The Do-Over

People often ask me, how do you find the energy to do all the things you do.  Granted, I work full-time, take classes on the side and run a rather fun Mary Kay business on the side.  So, how DO I do it?

I must confess, I was never EVER a workaholic.  I used to be more of a slacker.  That is, after I met my first husband.  I had tons of dreams and goals before I married him, but I settled down way too young.  And he just didn't share my dreams or vision.  So, I just sort of hung out.  I hung out for a long time -- 31 years to be exact.  That is waaaaaay too long to hang out.  I saw an Igram post that said, "If you're looking for an excuse to leave, you already found it."  That was me.  Looking for an excuse when I didn't really need one.

By the time I left -- (let's just say, I drew up the paperwork -- the marriage was loooong over) -- I realized that time had passed.  Far too quickly.  I was now in my 50's, alone and broke.  And I.let.it.happen.  I think that's my biggest regret -- I allowed it to happen -- to me.  I was the victim.  This once, strong girl had allowed herself to be manipulated into nothingness. We can get into the whole psychobabble of why it happened but the bottom line is, I had to pull myself together (quickly) and make the most of what was left of my life.

Now truth be told, I don't really want a do-over.  Frankly, if I did things differently, I wouldn't have my four fabulous children or my soon-to-be nine amazing grandchildren.  So, I can't say for certain a do-over is the answer.  But sometimes in life, we find that the timing in our lives is all wrong.

For instance, you meet the love of your life but the ink on your divorce papers isn't dry enough and you are not healed enough to get involved in another relationship.  My husband remarked the other day that I am much calmer than  I was when we first met.  He''s right.  More healing has been done.  But I digress.

But I think the reason I find I work (and play hard) is I am making up for lost time. Thirty-plus years is a lot to lose.  And so, I work.  When I first divorced, I worked three jobs.  Mostly to keep afloat.  I now look at what I have to pay back in student loans (go figure, the loan companies have no sympathy with the fact that this is a joint consolidation and my ex has skipped the country and court orders) and I realize, I'd like to retire debt free.  How freeing that would be.   And so, I continue to work...hard!  Currently, my 70-year-old husband is working to help while much of my money goes to pay debt.  One day, he will no longer be able to work and there goes 30K in income.  Swallow that.  Not easy.  And so, I work harder so that by the end of the day, I will hopefully be able to recoup that loss and continue paying down the loans.  But for those, I would be living the "sweet life".  It's okay though.  It's a humbling reminder of my past and how I never want to be left in that situation again.

And so, my motivation for working and playing hard is simply this.  I don't get a do-over.  None of us does.  And those years fly by.  So, make the most of life.  Live like tomorrow will never come, because you may not get a chance for another do-over.

OolaPalooza 2018

Every year, I write about OolaPalooza.  This year I'm writing from a little different perspective; because this year, I didn't go.

I purchased my ticket a year ago and yet, I knew I had to stay behind.  God began talking with me about it around September.  I felt in my soul that my ticket needed to go somewhere else.  I didn't know where but I knew that I needed to stay behind.

You see, I'm working on my goals.  I'm working on my future.  And so, as adults do, I made a very tough but very good decision.  I gave my ticket to my mentor Dr. Dave and said, "give it to someone who can really use it."  He didn't disappoint.  He gave it to a woman who had lost everything in the California fires.  I wish I could meet her because the truth is, she has a tough road ahead and I would love to know her dreams and goals.  And also, share where I was five years ago.  Trust me, it was not a good place.

I'm not sure I like this "adulting" business.  It means making hard choices.  I have been to OolaPalooza every year since it began.  It is a two day seminar where we write down our goals for the next year.  We look at potential blockers and things that will accelerate our goals.  And then we spend a year going after them.

This year for me was quite different.  I prayed about my ministry.  Where does God really want me?  And then, it hit me.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Teaching.   Helping at-risk youth.  It is something I have always loved.  The pay is low but the reward is high.

Last Christmas, it occurred to me that perhaps I needed to go higher to make a real difference.  You see, being in education for ten years can do that...make you want to change the system.  And so, I moved swiftly.  This fall, I enrolled in college to get a second Master's degree...this time in administration and leadership.  Is it easy?  Hell no!  It is hard.   It is all online and my biggest frustration and stress is the technology. (I am old...'nuff said).

I moved to a new job.  It too is a challenge but one I love.  I am now an English Language Learner Facilitator instead of a special education teacher.  It is my first love.  I worked in Kuwait for five years.  I never really understood my reason for moving there other than the fact that my husband at the time wanted to go.  And frankly, I knew God wanted me there.  I made the move.  A huge adjustment but it was there I discovered my love of teaching and working with students whose first language is not English.

I look at my Oola goals.  This was nowhere on the radar.  Yet, God had a plan and purpose and I decided to take the risk and work my tail off.  I pray that at the end of the day we remain a three star school ( our ELL department last year got us there).  I know it is where He wants me because I remember His words to me 11 years ago..."You will go into ministry and it will cost you 100,000 dollars".  He didn't lie.   My schooling is costing me every bit that much and with interest,  you can double it.  Yet, I know that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  I am content to live in an apartment and work my tail off.

So, what do I do for next year?  I have not planned my life.  There is always Christmas break, and I plan to write my goals for next year; just as I did for this year.  By  the way, I think the only goal I didn't meet was fitness although I am still working on it.

At the end of the day, Denzel's right...a dream without goals is just a dream.  Attach some goals and you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish.  Adulting is hard but life is good.

School Daze

It is fall, and of course, going back to school for all children...and some adults.  This year, at the age of 58, I decided to live my dream of getting a 2nd Master's degree in the hopes of one day becoming a school administrator.  For me, it would not just be the accomplishment but also, offer the possibility of a much higher salary in order to finally get rid of my student debt before I retire.

And so, with much trepidation,  I chose my school based on where I had taken coursework to get my certification in Autism and English Language Learners.  I took those courses in the traditional way -- after work and in person.  They were not easy and I was often tired.  This time, I am doing all online.

Now, many youngsters prefer all online.  It's convenient in that, you don't have to go after work and you can do it on your own time and you can do it whenever it's convenient for you.  Those aspects I love.  I do, however, own a Chromebook and therein lies the problem.  Not having money to purchase a computer, I tested the Chromebook the first week and it seemed to be working fine.  Except a paper I submitted disappeared from my files.  It did, submit -- or so I thought.  Until I got my grades this week and was told, I had turned in a blank template.

Now, with God as my witness, that template was not blank when it was submitted.  In fact, it was filled out completely and appeared to go through.  Granted, I was sick and frankly, it wasn't my best paper but it was completed.  WRONG!

And so, yesterday, I attempted to recover the paper so I wouldn't have to redo something I spent a couple of hours on.  It was distressing to say the least.  I sat at my husband's computer and finally found my paper which I had copied and pasted into some discussion group.  I had to re-format it (because Google Docs is not the same as Word by any stretch) and then attempt to resubmit it -- which, unfortunately would not happen.  And so I did what any 58 year old would do...I went to my bedroom and had a melt-down.  I literally pulled the blankets up around me and cried.  I stayed there for 30 minutes or so, and then decided, I only had a few more hours to write and submit my second paper -- so I needed to figure this out.

I got up, went to the kitchen and gave it another attempt.  No dice.  So, I attached it to an e-mail to my instructor, telling him I could not re-submit it but if he wanted the original date I turned it in, to check the date on the discussion page.  No TurnItIn.com but I figure he can do that easier than I.  Nothing, to my knowledge is plagiarized.  I worked hard on that paper, through the haze of cold medicine-- as I was really sick when I wrote it.  Perhaps it was better he didn't print it out as the formatting was terrible.  Again, Google docs and Word just don't sync up.

And so, last night, in a little over an hour, I wrote an impassioned paper about religion in schools.  I cited away and it was, in my humble opinion, a very good piece.  Having done it on my husband's computer and in Microsoft Word, it submitted as it was supposed to and I have no worries that it was done (the submission) correctly.

And so, my first week of school is over.  I have 5 more weeks (of which 4 have assignments) and I am finished.  The material of this course is School Law and exceedingly dry, although interesting.  It is case study after case study.  It makes me glad I never went to law school...I wouldn't have survived!  However, I did prove to myself I could compete with a younger group on not only a scholastic level but also, a technological one.  For that I am thankful and relieved.

So, this is school in the 21st century.  One day, I suppose, I will be replaced by a computer.  For now, I enjoy the ease of doing my homework whenever and wherever I like.  As I sit in a Panera Bread Company enjoying a cup of soup and coffee, I realize that my school days are quite different from those with which I grew up.

Obsessed

"Jewelry has the power to be this one little thing that can make you feel unique."
                                                                                                              --Jennie Kwon


Welcome to my Etsy shop --vintageblissbylisa.  It's my own little piece of heaven.  It's a vintage jewelry shop with very unique pieces of jewelry; pieces that seem to have some sort of history.

My love for jewelry came very early in life.  My dad had saved a brooch from his mother for me.  I was always told it would go to me.  Although I preferred the ring my sister was getting, as I grew older I came to appreciate the brooch.  It is filigree and diamond.  Definitely Art Deco styling and unique.  I suspect he had the same thoughts about it that I later did.

This past summer, my love for vintage was revived.  My BFF lent me a ring she had purchased...amethyst and white gold.  It is interesting looking with a cabochon stone.  Most of all, it came from her.

And so, as I have been looking to have a side business, this seems to be a perfect fit.  I love shopping for unique pieces that I hope someone will love as much as I do.  I  purchased a book on pieces that are valuable and am pricing as I think they should be priced.  I'm not sure about my pricing but trying to keep most pieces at $200 or less.  The reason being, I don't want these pieces to be unreachable to my customers.

I have to say, at present, my shop is not over-the-top successful.  However, I also think that word is not out about it.  So, I decided to take to a little self-promoting by paying for advertising as well as writing this blog.

When I look at jewelry, I feel happy.  I especially love pieces from the 1950's and before...they remind me of jewelry my mother and her friends wore and somehow, that makes me feel very comfortable.  I also have very old pieces, such as a flip ring that is cameo on one side and a red stone on the other -- a versatile two-in-one piece of jewelry.   I have put some watches on the site -- high end designer pieces.  Classic and priced to sell.  This week-end, I received a mourning ring/pin.  It is very macabre and one of the most unique pieces of jewelry I've ever seen.  Apparently, these were worn in the 1940's and before if you lost a loved one.  This one came with a picture in it but you could change it out for a picture of your loved one...or not.

Some things that many people don't know...during WWII, high end metals were hard to find, and so many pieces were made of a metal called palladium.  It is a cousin to platinum.  Additionally, Coro duette brooches are extremely valuable.  Coro jewelry company patented the design in 1931.  Their gold looking costume pieces are brushed with gold.  The pieces can be worn as a large brooch or taken apart into two smaller pins.  Once polyester became en vogue, so the duette clips went away, because they had the potential to harm the fabric.  Anything stamped Coro is considered high-end costume jewelry.

Clip earrings were very much the fashion during the 30's and 40's.  I guess people didn't pierce their ears back then.  Sometimes, I just like how pieces look.  For instance, I have an acorn brooch and clip earring set -- in autumn colors of garnet and amethyst.  It caught my eye simply because it reminded me of fall and living in the desert southwest, I found the pieces very pleasing to the eye.

The bottom line is, if you are looking for some amazing vintage jewelry, check out my shop.  If you love history, jewelry and a unique fashion find, I have it.

Oh Ye of Little Faith

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3: 5-6

These past few months have been a roller coaster ride of misspent emotions.  You see, a few months ago, I felt God was calling me to step up to the plate and get a 2nd Master's degree...this time in Leadership or School Administration, as it is referred to more frequently.  I knew He was calling me because I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach...familiar when He calls me to something.  Also, within one week of applying, all my school transcripts arrived and everything fell into place.  I was accepted.

 I had planned to start last January but took the online course required to start and felt completely overwhelmed.  I am not a technology guru and got scared...I started to overthink things.  For instance -- What if I'm in a group of overachievers and I'm just happy to get my B?   I also heard what is required to actually get into the "pool" of qualified candidates for my district.  Basically, you retake your Master's degree over a semester with our school district's own program to qualify you as an administrator and you have to stay up until 9 PM on some nights.  Seriously?  I'm asleep by 8:30 PM just to give you a bit of perspective into my life.  Yes, I'm a real fireball during the school year.  And so, the overthinking began.  At the end of the day, I took a pass and a leave of absence from school. (Something you definitely have the option to do with God but it doesn't bode well for our faithfulness).

OK, so come summer, I got some rest and decided, I'm up for this.  I registered for classes and was ready to roll.  Then, the unexpected happened.  No pay raises or column moves were forthcoming.  That meant, if I take on this program (and the loans), I would merely set myself back another 16K in student loans for retirement and bank on actually being hired as an administrator.  My friends who had gotten into the "pool" had not gotten jobs.  They were a good 10-20 years younger than me, too.  To add the icing to the cake, our district went to court one last time to try and not have to pay our raises or column moves, even though in arbitration, the teachers had won.  I'm not going to lie...I dropped the classes again, scared by the thought of being further in debt with 11 years until retirement.  The "what-if's" played again in my mind....

Yesterday, we got confirmation that the steps and columns on our salaries would be honored.  The $68 million the district had been short for so many years was determined to be a problem because they  never asked for money for the increase in teachers' salaries.  I HATE when that happens.  And so, once again, a win for the teachers.  I immediately re-registered for classes.

What's my point?  The point is, I should have never gone to THAT place last year.  That place of overthinking.  Questioning myself but more importantly, questioning God.  I DO believe in God -- I believe He has our lives mapped out for us, so we can live our lives with greater purpose and to serve Him.  So if I know all this, why do I question?  Why do I allow my own self-doubts to creep in?  Why do I allow what I see in the world to effect my decision-making?  Lord knows, when I have been left to my own devices, I have failed miserably.  The only thing I can say is that it comes down to one thing...faith!

If you don't believe me, re-read this blog.  Up-down-up-down-up-down...decision making or lack thereof.  At the end of the day, I am back to square one.  I spent a lot of emotions making that final decision when the truth was, there was no need...the decision was made six months ago.

And so, once again, lesson learned.  If you are struggling with making a hard decision, take my  advice.  Let go and give it to God.  He will give you that nudge saying, "yes, do it" or "run for the hills!"  At the end, once you are at peace, you know you have His seal of approval.  Let this blog serve as a reminder to all...Trust God.  He has your back.

But Pastor...

I must confess...of late, I have not  been attending church.  I love Jesus with all my heart but I have a  beef with the church right now -- and that is, it's position on the LGBTQ community.  You see, I have a transgender daughter.  It has not changed who she is as a person, other than the exterior.

The more time I spend with her in the "real" world, the more I see the looks...the stares...the treatment of her by normally pandering salespeople.  Her life is hard - there is no question.  There is also no question in my mind that one would not subject themselves to such ridicule unless they actually felt different...to a degree that they felt they had to make the outside match the inside.  And churches are not particularly welcoming.

I understand that as Christians we are flawed.  But didn't Jesus command us to love one another?  Not just the heterosexuals but all people?  Please don't write me and say, "but Leviticus says...."  Yes, and Leviticus also says don't eat meat and dairy together and a whole list of rules and regs.  Yet, we don't follow those unless we are Orthodox Jews. 

I have said it before and I will say it again...Jesus was far more concerned with the lust of money than the desires of the heart.  As my mother used to say, "The church has no business in anyone's bedroom."
#truth

And so, today my daughter and I are attending a potluck at my church.  It is, I suppose, a way of helping to educate church members on transgender and other LGBTQ issues.   I'm not sure what will be discussed but I know that one of the pastors leading it, also has a transgender daughter.

Our church, the United Methodist Church is probably one of the most liberal churches out there; yet, there may come a divide.  The church denounces homosexuality in its Book of Discipline.  It is, a book of how the church should function.

Our school district recently had a board meeting  just to discuss transgender bullying and how we now must protect these children.  I find it ironic that we have to have a discussion on something the Constitution already grants them...all men are created equal...the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...you know, all things we take for granted.  That we have to actually make a rule to treat a transgender child with respect is really beyond my ability to process.  But there are some who have to have a rule or a law in order to do it.  Shameful.

I would like to attend church again but until Christians are willing to open their hearts and doors to the LGBTQ community, I feel compelled to study the Bible at home with my husband.  It is not as I would like to worship but it is all I have for now. 

"Love one another as you love yourself."  A simple commandment given by our Lord and Savior.  And yet, a difficult one for Christians to follow.

Overthinking

I'm overthinking today.  Should I change the name of my blog?  Move to WordPress?  Start over?  You see, people who are anxious, tend to do that...overthink.  And not necessarily about what they are truly anxious about.

For instance...work is starting in two days.  I am anxious about that.  Should I go in and give the bulletin board a face-lift or wait until I go back to work?  Will I have time at work?  What all do I need to do to get ready for the school year?

School...I am going back for my Master's degree in Administration.  Is that the right decision?  Do I really want to go through two more years of grad school for a job I may or may not ever get?  Will I get (at the very least) a raise for my efforts?

Retirement...a huge thing on my mind of late.  I am 11 years from retirement, 150K in debt and looking to take on 16K more with the Master's degree and frrrrrrr-eaking out!  It seems so enormous.  I may have to work until I drop.  Meanwhile, as I get older, my patience is waning.  My students who can be incredibly disrespectful are depending on me for help.  I have to swallow my pride at least ten times a day to ignore the disrespectful remarks, otherwise, my time in the classroom would be spent passing out referrals instead of doing what I am there for -- to help.

These are the thoughts I have been wrestling with for at least two weeks.  Suffering from anxiety, it tends to flare up when I feel overwhelmed -- which I definitely am.  Instead of enjoying myself, I am stewing in my own juices.

So, how do I overcome this anxiety?  How do I move past it?  I take the standard anti-depressant and have medication for full-blown anxiety attacks.  But until I actually meet it when it comes up, my overthinking will continue.  I exercise, eat healthy and do all the things that are good for it.  But genetics trumps it all.  It is something I will have to live with for the remainder of my days.

Truth is, there is nothing I can do except meet it head on.  I have to see what it will actually looks like.  This is a case of the glass half empty when I know I have a very full glass.  I have so much that I have been blessed with and I don't want to minimize that in any way.

For instance, instead of worrying about going back to a job -- I HAVE a job to go back to...when so many don't.

I am seeking to improve myself with another degree -- even if I DON'T see a monetary reward, there is something to be said for my capacity and willingness to continue learning.

What about the blog?  What about it?  It has been successful.  I don't have to change the name in order to get more readers.  And what do I gain by getting more readers?  I never expected to have more than a 100 or 150 readers at best.  I have topped out at 72K+ readers from all over the world. That is no small feat.

Debt?  Well, I am working to pay it down.  I also have a husband who took on a full-time job, post-retirement,  in order to help me.  If that's not love, I'm not sure what is...

So today, I thank God for giving me all that He has.  I look at how far I've come.  In five short years, I have gone from working three jobs to one.  I am no longer staring at my bottle of Xanax every night, debating whether or not to take them all.  I have a stronger faith in God than I ever had.  I know I am incredibly bright and capable.  I would not have survived the hardest times of my life without my personal strength and God's grace.  I have remarried to a man who is the kindest, most sincere person I have ever met.  Is he perfect?  No, but then again, neither am I.  I have eight beautiful grandchildren, four children and although not a financially rich life, a very RICH life.  There is a difference.

And so, as I write, my anxiety leaves me.  I feel my body relaxing.  I will get through this as I have the other storms of my life.  Overthinking...the art of creating problems that weren't even there. (UrbanDictionary.com).  It is exhausting and non-productive.   It steals your joy.  And nothing...not anything...is worth that!

Some Bible verses to remember when you start to overthink or feel negativity about your life:

Romans 5:3-5 ESV 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

1 Peter 5:8 ESV

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

John 10:10 ESV 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Proverbs 3:5 ESV 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

James 1:2 ESV

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,

Galatians 5:22 ESV 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Psalm 51:10 ESV 

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Romans 8:28 ESV 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

On Reading The Bible

"Blessed are the poor in spirit..."  Luke 6:20

How many times have you read the Bible...really read it?  Today, I was reading a devotional -- My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers -- and it's the old school version.  A little tough to read because I believe it is written using the King James Version of the Bible.   In any case, I'm reading today's devotional and I come across Luke 6:20.  I've read that verse countless times, and yet, never really understood it whether in King James, the Message or NIV translations.  Well, today I.got.it.

You see, life has a series of turning points.  It's never perfect, yet God is always there.  He is calling to us.  Yet, many choose to ignore his call.  They don't step up to the plate.  The last six months or so, my husband and I have spent Sundays reading the Bible.  Discussing it.  We haven't gone to church -- I'm not sure why -- I said something about, everyone there is old.  Helllloooooo?  They're my age or older.  I don't feel my age.  Yet, I'm the demographic.  However, for several weeks, I've felt a calling to go back.  I suggested it to my husband but he wanted to stay home.  Last night, he agreed it's time to return.  So we had a season where we didn't worship God in a traditional manner but in our own way.

Anyhow, as I was reading this devotional a light bulb went off.  In the reading, Chambers writes, "As long as we have a self-righteous, conceited notion that we can carry out our Lord's teaching, God will allow us to go on until we break our ignorance over some obstacle, then we are willing to come to Him as paupers and receive from Him.  "Blessed are the paupers in spirit," that is the first principle in the Kingdom of God.  The bedrock in Jesus Christ's kingdom is poverty, not possession; not decisions for Jesus Christ but a sense of absolute futility ---I cannot begin to do it.  Then Jesus says -- Blessed are you.  That is the entrance..."

In other words, we have to surrender to God.  Be absolutely broken and say, "Enough!"  Trust in Him fully.  The paupers in spirit are the ones who are broken.  Have you ever been there?  I know I have, and it's not fun.  It's not easy.  Yet, during that period, I relied solely on God.  He was my Rock and Redeemer. When I didn't have money, somehow through my faith in him, something would happen and I had what I needed.  Whether it was money for a new tire, food or the roof over my head.  God always, ALWAYS provided for me.  It was not an easy time, but it was a turning point in my faith.

Life is better now.  I am grateful for every single day.  Some days I find myself crying because life is so different from 5 years ago.  It is good.  Is it perfect?  No.  But, it is good.  Through the tears, I can clearly see all the times God was walking with me.  He has been by my side my entire life.  I just never saw it as clearly as during that period when I found myself relying on His provision.

I pray I never have to go through another period like that but if I do, I know God will be right beside me -- holding me up.  He will send angels to me who will pray and build me up when I am too weak to do it myself.  For those who are struggling today, let this be your encouragement.  God is there and He loves you.  He will never fail you.  Trust.  Love completely.  Be grateful (even for the bad things in your life) for this is your will in Christ Jesus.  And have faith.

"I Do"

May 20, 2018.  A beautiful, sunny day.  We did it.  We had the wedding we planned for, but was cancelled.

After we eloped, we had decided to cancel the wedding.  Then, my husband gradually got better. Since we had already paid for the wedding, we called our venue to see if we could do a vow renewal.  They said, "Yes, of course."  And so the planning began in earnest.  Originally, a Gatsby-esque affair, it quickly just became a semi-formal affair.

The day finally came and as it turns out, all the things I worried about never came to fruition.  I fit into my dress.  My husband's suit fit.  The flowers arrived.  It was a clear, blue sky outside and not too hot...we could have pictures done in the garden area of the venue.  There was champagne in the dressing room.  I had on just enough makeup -- not too much, not too little.  We watched the Golden Knights win the game that took them to the Stanley Cup finalsfbefore the ceremony in the staff offices.  It was really laid-back.  While watching the game, the officiant heard our story of how we eloped due to my husband's illness.   He then asked if we would like a marriage ceremony instead of the vow renewal.  We both said "Yes!" simultaneously and without a hesitation.

In the preparation for the ceremony, I had spoken with the officiant a few days before.  I had wanted to play a song during the ceremony which was "When I Say I Do" by Matthew West.  Unfortunately, it is a four minute song and four minutes is an incredibly long time to stand in front of people, staring into your beloved's eyes.   Awkward!   And so, we nixed those plans.  Instead, we said we would play it for the first dance.  I really wanted the lyrics "out there" because it is so meaningful to me.

Then, Saturday afternoon, the day before the wedding, the DJ called -- what did we want for our first dance.  "The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra," came out of my husband's mouth.  Hmmmm, not exactly what I wanted or imagined but it is a great song and he does so love Frank Sinatra.  "Okay, let's do it.", I said to the DJ.  My husband had little to do with the plans of this party other than the first dance and having pigs in the blanket -- it is, after all, marriage #4 for him, and as he said, "I've been through this enough times...just do what you want."  Except that first dance.  Fair enough.

So, what's a woman to do, who wants the world to know how she feels about marriage and her life with this wonderful man?  She writes a blog...and add links.  So, here you go...enjoy.  Thank you, Matthew West for writing such beautiful lyrics.  They describe marriage perfectly.

https://genius.com/Matthew-west-when-i-say-i-do-lyrics

https://youtu.be/J87IEnoRByE

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.    Proverbs 3:5-6


And so, summer has begun.  It was a year, not unlike any other as far as school goes.  I spent much of my year wondering, is this where I need to be?  I am in a Title 1 school and a lot of our students come from impoverished families, single parent homes, homelessness -- you name it, we have it.  We are a very diverse school, which is one of the reasons I love it so much.  This whole idea of a "white bread" sort of society just is not something I embrace...instead of squelching diversity, let's celebrate it.  But there is one thing that has plagued me for 11 years now...11 long, whole years...and that is, that God told me (quite literally) that I would go into ministry.  And frankly, I am bothered by that...I mean, what if I am missing the plan God intended for me?  What if I'm supposed to be a vocational pastor, or a children's minister or some other type of minister...what we normally think of when we hear the word minister.  What if I am wrong?  What if teaching is not what He meant?

And so, another year, came and went with my overthinking everything.  In fact, while overthinking, I actually came up with a beautiful plan to change the system -- overhaul the educational flaws that I see.  So, I applied to and was accepted into grad school for educational leadership. And it fell into place beautifully.  Within days...much like my applying for college in teaching did.  And then, I got scared.  I looked over the books, became filled with self-doubt and wondered once again...is this where God wants me?  In short, I freaked out and took a pass for the spring semester.

I continued along throughout the school year and found that if I just quit overthinking God's plans for me,  things went much easier.  If I laughed more and worried less, life became better.  Yes, there are moments when I get completely devastated by the educational system we are in and when I see our students refuse to turn in work in a timely manner or skip class.  Yet, at the end of the day, an 80% + passing rate is not bad.  This includes over 200 students, a good third who have Individual Education Plans (special needs) and another roughly 5% ELL students who walk in the door speaking zero English.  It is those who refuse to come to class or turn in their work who actually fail.  And it saddens me that they have a free education and choose to do other things.  In ten years, Snapchat will be gone but where will they be?

And so, after taking some time, I have decided to move forward with the Master's degree in Educational Leadership.  I don't know whether or not I will actually have the opportunity to work as a dean, assistant principal or principal but I do know, that I am feeling that tug in my gut.  That perhaps this is the plan God has for my life.  Maybe I can be instrumental in changing the system.  Perhaps as I work through that school law class, I will have an epiphany as to what I can or cannot do to help the students who just don't recognize the value of education.  With Him, nothing is impossible.

Perhaps...again, I'm overthinking.  I dream.  I hope.  I pray.  I embrace God's plans for me.

Happy Mother's Day

2018.  How things have changed since I was a child.  Internet, cell phones, and living somewhere I couldn't even conceive of as a child.  But what's changed most of all, is Mother's Day.

Growing up, we made breakfast in bed for my mom.  I'm not sure whether or not it was particularly good, but she seemed to like it.  We brought home a flower from Temple  Israel- usually a single marigold in a plain pot.  And we gave her small presents that either we made or bought.  Some drugstore cologne -- Jean Nate and Emeraude were our favorites for gifting.

Fast forward to the days of our marriages.  We celebrated Mother's Day with my mom at her condominium.  We gave her more elaborate gifts and she was surrounded by her children and grandchildren.  It was a different time but definitely filled with lots of love.  We had dinner together and enjoyed time as a family.

In 2007, life changed forever.  My mom passed away.  Our matriarch was gone.  She was the glue that held everyone together.  When she passed away, things changed even more.  In 2009, our second daughter got married and stayed in Texas.  I moved to Las Vegas with our two youngest children to join my then-husband.  Mother's Days were never quite the same.

Eleven years later, I celebrated Mother's Day with my youngest daughter and husband.  We had a fabulous dinner out last night.  Although we live in Las Vegas, my forgetting that Mother's Day was on the 13th, prompted me to make reservations for the night before--places that took reservations were booked until 8:30 PM.  And no, I refused to wait in a line for brunch.  Apparently, I wasn't the only one who flaked...many mothers were at dinner last night with their kids.

  My daughter is coming over today and my husband and I are going swimming.  It is a far cry from the large family gatherings we once knew.  It is a different kind of Mother's Day.  Gentle and warm, yet missing the other members of the family -- my three other children and my sister and her family.  I feel an emptiness in my soul.

Although last night was a wonderful evening, I miss my children and grandchildren.  My mom used to frequently say, "I wish my kids were little again."  I totally "get it" now.  Although we all love each other deeply, the distance make my heart just a little heavier today. 

Yet, I know I am loved -- just as they know they are loved.  We are a family and would be at each other's side in a heartbeat, if the need ever arose.  For now, I sit on my patio, enjoying coffee with my husband.  It is a beautiful day and my heart is filled with gratitude.  Grateful for my children and grandchildren.  Grateful for my husband.  Grateful for a beautiful day.  But most of all, grateful to God for allowing me to see the blessings in my life.

Happy Mother's Day!

A Letter to my Children

Dear Kids,

I have often written to people in my life, but never to you.  Today, I feel the need to.  Five years ago, I left your father.  I know you didn't understand at the time but I always felt that one day you would.  You understand a lot more now but not everything.

First of all, when I married your dad,  I came from a highly dysfunctional home.  I went from that directly into a dysfunctional marriage.  You see, I didn't understand love.  It was never modeled in our house.  All I saw growing up was fighting.  My parents were completely mismatched and yet, they stayed together for the "sake of us kids"...something that was done during the time I grew up.

When I married your dad, he said all the right things.  My grandmother, in a moment of lucidity before she passed said, "That Lisa's husband...he's a charmer but he doesn't like to work much."  Well said, Grandma.  And I must be honest, it was true.

Your dad, as you may or may not have noticed, flittered from one job to the next.  He never stayed in one place for very long.  Just as he was starting to get a taste of success, he changed jobs.  He often left the country for months on end to see his family.  How he could leave our family for such lengthy periods, I didn't understand.

At the seven year mark, I confided in my dad and told him I wanted a divorce.  Since two of you were born already, he basically patted me on the head and told me to go home.  I could not do that to my children.  I listened to him like a dutiful daughter.  Perhaps he saw the handwriting on the wall.

At the ten year mark, I had the financial means to leave your dad and told him I was going to.  He looked me square in the eye and told me if I did, he would take you kids to Kuwait and I would never see you again.  I believed him.  He had a look in his eye that I could tell he would do it.  And frankly, no judge would have not allowed visitation with him because he had never really done anything terrible other than emotionally destroy me.  By this time, I was suffering daily anxiety attacks, so much that I wanted to end my life.  But, I hung in there -- because I had recently lost my own father to suicide and knew how devastating it was.

The next 21 years were spent suffering from continual anxiety and what I now know was depression.  Your dad did not believe in anti-depressants or seeing doctors for psychological disorders.  In his mind, it was a conflict of interest to keep someone sick.  We did not have any marital relations for the last 10 years of our marriage.  At year 23 of our marriage, he announced he would work for the US government in Iraq for one year.  That one year turned into 3 1/2.  I was hanging on by a thread.  I think your brother and sister knew it but you girls were already out of the house.  I just lived each day at a time. I functioned...barely.

Over the years, I inherited over one million dollars but it disappeared.  Your dad's work history was sporadic and I used the money to raise you.  I worked throughout the years but never made enough to care for a family of six.  This was his excuse for leaving in 2004.  To make money.  Unfortunately, it was always about the money.  In 2009, after grandma passed away, I gave him my inheritance to open an insurance agency. As you know, he chose to leave...this time for Las Vegas.  After a year, I moved out here.  I don't think he expected me to.  He opened the agency and maintained from day 1, it was losing money.  He maintained the agency was not making money when in fact, our household income was $300,000.  Unfortunately, I trusted him, as I did over and over again.  I did not think someone who was married to you for 31 years would screw you over.  I was wrong.  He not only screwed me over but also your sister and brother.  He didn't pay the household bills and gave me a song and dance that we only had $50 a week for groceries.  I don't know where the money went but I left and let him keep the agency, which he sold.

So why am I writing?  To lambaste your father to you?  No.  The truth is, I want to apologize.  I want to tell you how sorry I am that I raised you in such a dysfunctional household.  I did it so I would not lose you.  I didn't know how depressed I was until I took myself to a doctor after I'd left and asked for an antidepressant.  Suddenly, my world changed.  I changed.  I did not know what emotional abuse looked like until I stepped away from your dad.  It took me over three years of therapy to get better.  I didn't know what real love looked like as I had never seen it.  I only understood control.  And I'm sorry your dad left the U.S. for Kuwait after our divorce.  It would have happened 21 years earlier with you in tow.  At least, I still have my children and grandchildren.  Nothing else matters to me.  And know that it wasn't you...it is him.

And so, please accept my apologies.  I love you all more than life itself.  My only "real" regret in our marriage was not having the courage to leave sooner.

I love you,
Mom

A Mile in my Shoes

One Christmas break, I wrote a book.   I felt a strong leading by the Holy Spirit that I needed to be writing and speaking.  Truth is, I never got very far.  I never had the money to publish my book and never knew if it would serve anyone or even be remotely interesting.  Yesterday, I got my answer.

I was talking to our students -- our hardest class in fact -- about their grades and in the process, shared just a bit of what I had gone through these last five years.  Initially, they were laughing at the fact I went back to school so late in life.  They continued to laugh when I said I was 50-something when I got divorced.  "Why did you say 50-something?" someone shouted.  "Okay -- 53..."  I told them to just listen for a moment...they stopped laughing when I told them my circumstances and how no one -- NO ONE -- could take away my education.  At this point, someone shouted, "Preach!"  I responded, "you got it, bro!"

 I continued.  " You can lose a job...you can lose money but you will always have your degree.  You never know what circumstances life will deal you."  Someone shouted, "Where do you think you would have been without your degree?" to which I replied, "on the streets."   And so with that, they stood they up -- they applauded -- they whistled.  And I knew -- I knew at that moment, God put me here for exactly what I knew I was here to do...inspire others.

It has been my dream for years, and yet, that one moment made me realize, I had in me exactly what it took to make others sit up and listen.  Is it students?  Is it adults? Is it those in dire circumstances who are at their last straw?  I don't know.  What I do know is that God has put that calling in my heart for the last few years.  The confirmation has been slow in coming but yesterday, it was there.

Our toughest class, sat up and took notice.  One student who I had been nagging to turn in work all quarter, turned it in at the end of class.   Unfortunately, he still didn't pass but he tried.  He now understands the difference between having a degree and not having one, as do many others.  As I recounted my story, I had difficulty looking at the kids.  I wasn't sure if they were listening or making fun of me.  A little of both.

Their image of white privilege -- which I have heard often -- has been shattered.  Who I am today is not the person I was five years ago.  When you are digging yourself out of a $150,000 hole, suddenly the playing field is level.  The truth is -- even though I have that debt, I have hope.  I am working toward paying it off and doing the best I can.  I no longer fear my future because I saw the power of the Holy Spirit in that room yesterday.  I felt it.  And I know those kids felt it.

I am often judged by others and that's okay.  Don't judge too harshly, because until you walk a mile in my shoes, you will not understand who I am.  I am strong, I am courageous and I teach others.  I live by faith in one who is greater than I.  I am a sojourner passing through this life.

The Wedding Part 2

Last summer, I had the perfect wedding planned.  Gatsby-themed, it was indeed, the wedding of my dreams.  And then disaster struck.  My then-fiance became ill and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder.  Due to the Family Medical Leave Act and four days remaining on my personal sick leave, something had to be done.  I spoke with his doctor who said, "Get married quick!"   I followed the doctor's "orders" and married my now husband.  We cancelled the dream wedding in lieu of one in Las Vegas City Hall; a far cry from what I was thinking but I still cried when we said our vows and it had its own charm ...sort of.

As my husband became better, we talked about whether or not to do something with this wedding that was paid for...we either lose the deposit or have one helluva vow renewal ceremony.  We opted for the latter.  Although only one year in, I think the struggles we have been through in the last year merit a marker.  And so, let the vow renewal commence.

Gone are the dreams of Gatsby.  My husband requested I wear a long dress.  I think I went overboard as I have ordered a silver ball gown.  Sweetheart neckline which looks amazing on my bustline.  However, as I look at the pictures I took, I think, is this merely living out my fantasy of going to prom since I never did?  I'm not sure.  He, in the meantime, says I will find the right dress when the time is right.  It is also a lesson in not going dress shopping after having a couple of glasses of wine. 

The colors will be similar.  Silver and black instead of charcoal and black unless I change my dress, which I might.   I am leaning toward red.   The cake is definitely different.  Gone is the amazing looking cake with black scrollwork and real red roses on top, this one will be plain.  White scroll on white icing with white roses.  Again, unless I go with the red.  If it sounds like I haven't quite made up my mind, you would be correct. 

Previously, I planned appetizers, drinks and dancing.  This may stay the same, depending on the number of people who can come.  I may stretch the budget a little and go for an all-out buffet and an extra hour of socializing.  All of us teachers report to work the next morning, so it will not be a late night.  May, I found out, is a particularly popular month for weddings.  Our real wedding date is May 19.  Last year, all of my children, best friend and sister's family were attending but it was scheduled for June 10.  This year, I am pretty certain they can't come.  It is a Sunday afternoon, and I seriously doubt folks, even close relatives, want to pay for airfare for a vow renewal unless it's like your 50th.  We are doing this on the May 20th to save $1000, a substantial sum which will go toward our honeymoon.

Our honeymoon destination last year was Hawaii.  Unfortunately, the doctors did not want my husband to go on a long flight; they feared a seizure which presents itself as someone who is having a serious meltdown.  Instead, we went to Coronado Island, California (driving distance) for three days.  This year, we are spending two weeks there.   Although not Hawaii, it holds many special memories for us and we are taking time to relax...something we were unable to do much of last summer.

And so, the plans continue.  The invitations are here, my husband and I are losing weight to fit into our clothes, and we are moving forward.  Wedding or vow renewal, what does it matter?  What matters is a gathering of friends, loved ones and saying, "I do" all over again.

Dreaming

Today, I am writing...something I haven't done in forever.  I suppose I'm inspired by my daughter writing on her own blog.  Yes, we all have that creativity that drives us to places beyond the ordinary.

You see, when trying to live out your life's dream, you strive for the extraordinary.  However, of late, I have not been able to determine what that is...Years ago, I had a vision of who I wanted to be.   I worked hard.  On my "free" time (which was not much), I wrote -- and wrote -- and wrote.  So much, that I had a book's worth.  But in this day and age of self-publishing, being broke doesn't get it done.  So, that dream sat on a much-frustrated, back burner.

Then one day, I met someone...my husband...and I found my happy place.  A place of contentment.  So much so, that people remark how happy I look.  Strange men remark how beautiful my smile is...people I know tell me how happy I look.  Just a few short years ago my co-workers were asking "What's wrong?"  on a daily basis.  There wasn't one thing wrong...I was just breathing...not living but trying to get through my day.

Happiness is not as elusive as we think it is.  For me, it was a "simple" divorce.  (to be read with sarcasm) -- no divorce is simple and I don't really want to make light of it.  I just knew the marriage was over.  I merely had the courage to hire a lawyer to draw up the paperwork, and put a period where it belonged.

The next several years were spent working my ass off.  Although not perfect, life was good.  I had a roof over my head and food on the table.  I was happy.  I had unfulfilled dreams and aspirations and spent every moment I had working toward them.

Then one day, everything came to a screeching halt.  I had met my husband.  He is a kind  and generous soul and one who makes me laugh -- a lot.  He has a caustic sense of humor, which I love.   He also channels my mother -- not occasionally, but all.the.time.  She was my best friend and one who, although different than myself, had an understanding of people and life.  It is uncanny how he will say things that she often would have said herself.  They are not of the same generation, nor was he raised in the Midwest, where many of these colloquealisms come from.  I find myself telling him (a lot), you're channelling Marlys (my mother's name).

Our relationship was not without its ups and downs.  I really was not looking for marriage...I wanted a partner to go see movies, hang out and have a coffee.  I got more than I bargained for in that department.  We see movies several times a month -- oh, and I have a ring on my finger.  On the downside, just before we were married, it was discovered that he had trauma to his frontal lobe, which handles emotions, reasoning and memory.  Many of our fights in the early years were probably driven by this.  I knew something was off but wasn't sure exactly what...I found out weeks before we were married.  We also usually argue after a day of travel.  Low blood sugar and being overly tired.  Now, when he has an outburst, I know that it is driven medically and not to be overthought on my part.  It is part of who he is...along with a seizure disorder and diabetes.  No, he is not a healthy man, which is why we spend each day living life to the fullest.  Somehow, watching your loved one in a hospital bed fighting for his life will remind you of that.

And so, although all of this may sound quite miserable, it isn't.  The happiness I feel shows on my face.  We have downsized significantly in order to pay off debt and enjoy life a little more together.  And if God forbid, anything happens to the other, no selling of a house and moving will be necessitated -- we have already taken care of that.  We enjoy our sacrosanct "date" night on Thursday evenings.  Dinner, drinks and conversation.  It is a "must-do" in our marriage.  Nothing comes between that...not even my children who know that is a priority with us.

I still feel a longing in my heart, and if I could determine what that emptiness is, I would chase it everyday of the week (except Thursdays and Sundays).  But, I tend to think that for now, those dreams are to be put on the back burner as I live out my wildest dream...a quiet life in a tiny apartment with the man I love.

Apples

They always say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....they would be right.  My daughter is a blogger, a near-type A personality and former strong-willed child.  She is a mother to 5 and works full-time.   She has, in her blog this evening, just shared more than I wanted to know...she too suffers from mental illness.  It is a stigma and it is time to dispel it.  Just as if we had cancer that ran in the family, this just happens to take a different form.  It can't be seen and it is a constant struggle with our inner demons.  

I say this because, I too suffer from anxiety and depression.  Mine started a little earlier than hers...primarily the result of post traumatic stress disorder and an unhappy marriage.  I suffered from anxiety attacks in college that progressed as I got older.  I could not work in my 20's and chose to do the acceptable thing...have children and be a stay-at-home mommy.  I was criticized for being lazy.  No one really understood, least of all my parents who had paid for my college education.  

At this point, let me say, this apple doesn't fall too far from her tree.  A family with a history of psychiatric disorders and a former husband who at the time, told me it was a shame to take medication or see a doctor for this type of illness, I ended up not seeking professional help until I was thirty -- it was that or suicide.  I could no longer cope and I didn't want to leave three small children wondering why they didn't have a mommy.  

Over the years, my depression and anxiety has at times, gotten the best of me.  Although better now than I have ever been, suicidal ideations have, during difficult times, pushed through.  Having had a parent who committed suicide, I can talk my way past the thoughts.  They are, just thoughts.  I also am a very strong Christian and know that is not the path God would want me to take.

My heart breaks as I read of my daughter's struggles.  I had no idea.  She wrote everyone thinks she has it all together. She is right.  She talks about her children wanting to 'nuggle with her.  To be honest, I wish I were there to 'nuggle with her as well.  I know her pain all too well.  It is all-consuming and yet, we push through.  

The blessing in all of this is we are strong women.  No, it doesn't cure our health issues but it does help us get through the day.  It hurts when your child hurts.  It doesn't matter if they are 6 or 60.  The pain is palpable.  As I pray for her tonight, I will hold her in my dreams.  I will pray her nightmares stop.  I will also pray, my nightmares stop.  Our blessings lie with our families...both of us have amazing husbands and children.  

I am glad she is getting help.  And I write this...not just for me but for anyone else who has struggled with their mind.  If you struggle with mental health issues, please get help.  It may not go away completely but there is a better way.  Remember, you were designed by God for greatness.  You can move forward.  Life is good and it's way too short.  Live whatever life you have to the fullest.  Most of all, love yourself.  Stop being so damned judgmental when you look in the mirror.  Be kind.  That person is struggling.

Journeys

There are many journeys one goes through in life.  Mine, is one that many people struggle with...the journey of losing weight.

From the time I was small, weight was of great matter (no pun intended) in our house.  My father, being a doctor, did not want any of us to struggle with our weight; presumably, because he struggled with his.  As a result, we were not to be fed "junk food" such as McDonald's or potato chips.  We used saccharin from the day it was invented and Tab was a staple at our home.

When I hit pre-puberty, I put on some weight, which now I know is normal.  As a result, the diets began in earnest.  Words such as, "do you think you need that?" stung, even though they were well-intended.  My dad bought me a bicycle, and I found myself having to take 5 mile rides with him.  I wouldn't have minded so much except it was difficult for me to keep up with him on a 24" bike when he was riding a 26" bike...yes, the size of the wheels definitely make a difference!

And so began the years of weight loss programs...Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, near-impossible 1000 calorie a day diets, Atkins, Scarsdale, diet pills, bingeing and purging.  Although I started high school at 105 pounds, I felt fat.  I had curves while all the other girls were skinny.  No hips, no boobs.  Somehow, I managed to have both.  Twiggy was in...so were pelvic bones that one could see when wearing a bikini.  How I longed for that instead of the natural shape God intended for me.

As high school continued, I became intensely shy.  I felt fat.  I had curly hair (also not 'in-vogue').  My friends teased me.  At the end of junior year, I weighed 160 pounds, the culmination of sheer unhappiness in my home and school life.  It was that year that me and my best friend decided to diet.  I found diet pills and bingeing/purging worked to get my weight down to a reasonably healthy 120 lbs.  My dad, at that time, then became concerned since I had stopped eating breakfast.  He longed for me to have a bowl of cereal.  I would pour one then dump it when he went to work.  He never knew I was eating probably less than 500 calories per day.

In college, I discovered smoking (and not just cigarettes).  Welcome the freshman 20.  And so, even though I was taking diet pills, which by the way, caused palpitations, and bingeing/purging, it still wasn't enough.

Fast forward...I got married, had babies and was up to over 200 pounds.  Over 31 years, I had been as small as 120 pounds but after my last baby at age 35, I could not seem to lose the weight, no matter what diet I tried.

In the spring of 2017, I began exercising in earnest with a personal trainer.  My mentor kept telling me 80% was food, 20% was exercise.  But, I refused to listen.  I continued exercising until I had foot surgery in July.  I laid on the couch for a few weeks and gained 10 pounds.  I gave up.  I decided that I would eat my way up to gastric bypass surgery.  I was done with yo-yo dieting.

Funny thing is, when we are at our lowest, God usually sends someone to help us.  And that someone appeared right around that time.  It was October and someone 'friended' me on Facebook.  He was from my hometown and so I made the connection.  He had lost weight and looked amazing.  I looked at him and thought, 'Photoshop'.  I refused to ask him what he was doing as I was certain it was not legit.  Probably Garcinia Cambogia or some shit.  But, he was persistent.  Finally, one day I asked him what he was doing.  He told me.  He flooded my Messenger with before and after pics.  I was like, "What the hell??"  But I was interested.  I listened to what he had to say then researched the company.

Now, why is it when someone discusses nutrition, we have to research it but never, EVER look at what is in our food at the grocery store or what we eat in fast food places?  I got to thinking...the product he was using offered a 30-day-money-back guarantee.  When did I EVER get that with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig?  I was also pretty certain I had spent far more than $400 (which was the price of the system I was looking at) in my lifetime on gimmicks.  What the hell?  If it didn't work, I could always get my money back.  But, what if it did?

Fast forward one month...I lost 10 pounds and 31.75 inches.  I was three pants sizes smaller.   I realized within 5 days that not only did this system work, that I wanted to share it with others.  And so, I have begun a new, yet unexpected journey.   My goal by my 58th birthday in February is to be a size 10.  In spite of a small 4 pound gain over the holidays, I have no doubt I will do it.  I am not exercising aside from the occasional racquetball game and I feel great.  I have not EVER felt this confident about my nutrition.

I share my story because I know I am not the only one who has struggled in their lifetime with their weight. I've been there.  I know that feeling of 'giving up'.  And yet, as I roll into 2018, I have a renewed love and respect for myself.  Jesus said we should love our neighbor as we love ourselves. (paraphrased).  You cannot love anyone until you love yourself first.  So, as I end my story, I know that it is just the beginning of a new journey.  I will continue to write and let you know how I am doing.  It is the journey of one...it is the journey of many.  Jesus said, (again,  I'm paraphrasing) to lift up your cross and follow Him    We all have our crosses to bear -- we all have a story   I want your story to have a happy ending.  If you are interested in restored health, private message me at Lisa Lehr Lucero on Facebook.  Let me coach you to better health.  You.can.do.this.  How do I know?  Because I am!  And if I can be successful...trust me -- anyone can!  It is not the end of your journey but just the beginning.