Dear Kids,
I have often written to people in my life, but never to you. Today, I feel the need to. Five years ago, I left your father. I know you didn't understand at the time but I always felt that one day you would. You understand a lot more now but not everything.
First of all, when I married your dad, I came from a highly dysfunctional home. I went from that directly into a dysfunctional marriage. You see, I didn't understand love. It was never modeled in our house. All I saw growing up was fighting. My parents were completely mismatched and yet, they stayed together for the "sake of us kids"...something that was done during the time I grew up.
When I married your dad, he said all the right things. My grandmother, in a moment of lucidity before she passed said, "That Lisa's husband...he's a charmer but he doesn't like to work much." Well said, Grandma. And I must be honest, it was true.
Your dad, as you may or may not have noticed, flittered from one job to the next. He never stayed in one place for very long. Just as he was starting to get a taste of success, he changed jobs. He often left the country for months on end to see his family. How he could leave our family for such lengthy periods, I didn't understand.
At the seven year mark, I confided in my dad and told him I wanted a divorce. Since two of you were born already, he basically patted me on the head and told me to go home. I could not do that to my children. I listened to him like a dutiful daughter. Perhaps he saw the handwriting on the wall.
At the ten year mark, I had the financial means to leave your dad and told him I was going to. He looked me square in the eye and told me if I did, he would take you kids to Kuwait and I would never see you again. I believed him. He had a look in his eye that I could tell he would do it. And frankly, no judge would have not allowed visitation with him because he had never really done anything terrible other than emotionally destroy me. By this time, I was suffering daily anxiety attacks, so much that I wanted to end my life. But, I hung in there -- because I had recently lost my own father to suicide and knew how devastating it was.
The next 21 years were spent suffering from continual anxiety and what I now know was depression. Your dad did not believe in anti-depressants or seeing doctors for psychological disorders. In his mind, it was a conflict of interest to keep someone sick. We did not have any marital relations for the last 10 years of our marriage. At year 23 of our marriage, he announced he would work for the US government in Iraq for one year. That one year turned into 3 1/2. I was hanging on by a thread. I think your brother and sister knew it but you girls were already out of the house. I just lived each day at a time. I functioned...barely.
Over the years, I inherited over one million dollars but it disappeared. Your dad's work history was sporadic and I used the money to raise you. I worked throughout the years but never made enough to care for a family of six. This was his excuse for leaving in 2004. To make money. Unfortunately, it was always about the money. In 2009, after grandma passed away, I gave him my inheritance to open an insurance agency. As you know, he chose to leave...this time for Las Vegas. After a year, I moved out here. I don't think he expected me to. He opened the agency and maintained from day 1, it was losing money. He maintained the agency was not making money when in fact, our household income was $300,000. Unfortunately, I trusted him, as I did over and over again. I did not think someone who was married to you for 31 years would screw you over. I was wrong. He not only screwed me over but also your sister and brother. He didn't pay the household bills and gave me a song and dance that we only had $50 a week for groceries. I don't know where the money went but I left and let him keep the agency, which he sold.
So why am I writing? To lambaste your father to you? No. The truth is, I want to apologize. I want to tell you how sorry I am that I raised you in such a dysfunctional household. I did it so I would not lose you. I didn't know how depressed I was until I took myself to a doctor after I'd left and asked for an antidepressant. Suddenly, my world changed. I changed. I did not know what emotional abuse looked like until I stepped away from your dad. It took me over three years of therapy to get better. I didn't know what real love looked like as I had never seen it. I only understood control. And I'm sorry your dad left the U.S. for Kuwait after our divorce. It would have happened 21 years earlier with you in tow. At least, I still have my children and grandchildren. Nothing else matters to me. And know that it wasn't you...it is him.
And so, please accept my apologies. I love you all more than life itself. My only "real" regret in our marriage was not having the courage to leave sooner.
I love you,
Mom
Saturday, March 17, 2018
A Mile in my Shoes
One Christmas break, I wrote a book. I felt a strong leading by the Holy Spirit that I needed to be writing and speaking. Truth is, I never got very far. I never had the money to publish my book and never knew if it would serve anyone or even be remotely interesting. Yesterday, I got my answer.
I was talking to our students -- our hardest class in fact -- about their grades and in the process, shared just a bit of what I had gone through these last five years. Initially, they were laughing at the fact I went back to school so late in life. They continued to laugh when I said I was 50-something when I got divorced. "Why did you say 50-something?" someone shouted. "Okay -- 53..." I told them to just listen for a moment...they stopped laughing when I told them my circumstances and how no one -- NO ONE -- could take away my education. At this point, someone shouted, "Preach!" I responded, "you got it, bro!"
I continued. " You can lose a job...you can lose money but you will always have your degree. You never know what circumstances life will deal you." Someone shouted, "Where do you think you would have been without your degree?" to which I replied, "on the streets." And so with that, they stood they up -- they applauded -- they whistled. And I knew -- I knew at that moment, God put me here for exactly what I knew I was here to do...inspire others.
It has been my dream for years, and yet, that one moment made me realize, I had in me exactly what it took to make others sit up and listen. Is it students? Is it adults? Is it those in dire circumstances who are at their last straw? I don't know. What I do know is that God has put that calling in my heart for the last few years. The confirmation has been slow in coming but yesterday, it was there.
Our toughest class, sat up and took notice. One student who I had been nagging to turn in work all quarter, turned it in at the end of class. Unfortunately, he still didn't pass but he tried. He now understands the difference between having a degree and not having one, as do many others. As I recounted my story, I had difficulty looking at the kids. I wasn't sure if they were listening or making fun of me. A little of both.
Their image of white privilege -- which I have heard often -- has been shattered. Who I am today is not the person I was five years ago. When you are digging yourself out of a $150,000 hole, suddenly the playing field is level. The truth is -- even though I have that debt, I have hope. I am working toward paying it off and doing the best I can. I no longer fear my future because I saw the power of the Holy Spirit in that room yesterday. I felt it. And I know those kids felt it.
I am often judged by others and that's okay. Don't judge too harshly, because until you walk a mile in my shoes, you will not understand who I am. I am strong, I am courageous and I teach others. I live by faith in one who is greater than I. I am a sojourner passing through this life.
I was talking to our students -- our hardest class in fact -- about their grades and in the process, shared just a bit of what I had gone through these last five years. Initially, they were laughing at the fact I went back to school so late in life. They continued to laugh when I said I was 50-something when I got divorced. "Why did you say 50-something?" someone shouted. "Okay -- 53..." I told them to just listen for a moment...they stopped laughing when I told them my circumstances and how no one -- NO ONE -- could take away my education. At this point, someone shouted, "Preach!" I responded, "you got it, bro!"
I continued. " You can lose a job...you can lose money but you will always have your degree. You never know what circumstances life will deal you." Someone shouted, "Where do you think you would have been without your degree?" to which I replied, "on the streets." And so with that, they stood they up -- they applauded -- they whistled. And I knew -- I knew at that moment, God put me here for exactly what I knew I was here to do...inspire others.
It has been my dream for years, and yet, that one moment made me realize, I had in me exactly what it took to make others sit up and listen. Is it students? Is it adults? Is it those in dire circumstances who are at their last straw? I don't know. What I do know is that God has put that calling in my heart for the last few years. The confirmation has been slow in coming but yesterday, it was there.
Our toughest class, sat up and took notice. One student who I had been nagging to turn in work all quarter, turned it in at the end of class. Unfortunately, he still didn't pass but he tried. He now understands the difference between having a degree and not having one, as do many others. As I recounted my story, I had difficulty looking at the kids. I wasn't sure if they were listening or making fun of me. A little of both.
Their image of white privilege -- which I have heard often -- has been shattered. Who I am today is not the person I was five years ago. When you are digging yourself out of a $150,000 hole, suddenly the playing field is level. The truth is -- even though I have that debt, I have hope. I am working toward paying it off and doing the best I can. I no longer fear my future because I saw the power of the Holy Spirit in that room yesterday. I felt it. And I know those kids felt it.
I am often judged by others and that's okay. Don't judge too harshly, because until you walk a mile in my shoes, you will not understand who I am. I am strong, I am courageous and I teach others. I live by faith in one who is greater than I. I am a sojourner passing through this life.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
The Wedding Part 2
Last summer, I had the perfect wedding planned. Gatsby-themed, it was indeed, the wedding of my dreams. And then disaster struck. My then-fiance became ill and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Due to the Family Medical Leave Act and four days remaining on my personal sick leave, something had to be done. I spoke with his doctor who said, "Get married quick!" I followed the doctor's "orders" and married my now husband. We cancelled the dream wedding in lieu of one in Las Vegas City Hall; a far cry from what I was thinking but I still cried when we said our vows and it had its own charm ...sort of.
As my husband became better, we talked about whether or not to do something with this wedding that was paid for...we either lose the deposit or have one helluva vow renewal ceremony. We opted for the latter. Although only one year in, I think the struggles we have been through in the last year merit a marker. And so, let the vow renewal commence.
Gone are the dreams of Gatsby. My husband requested I wear a long dress. I think I went overboard as I have ordered a silver ball gown. Sweetheart neckline which looks amazing on my bustline. However, as I look at the pictures I took, I think, is this merely living out my fantasy of going to prom since I never did? I'm not sure. He, in the meantime, says I will find the right dress when the time is right. It is also a lesson in not going dress shopping after having a couple of glasses of wine.
The colors will be similar. Silver and black instead of charcoal and black unless I change my dress, which I might. I am leaning toward red. The cake is definitely different. Gone is the amazing looking cake with black scrollwork and real red roses on top, this one will be plain. White scroll on white icing with white roses. Again, unless I go with the red. If it sounds like I haven't quite made up my mind, you would be correct.
Previously, I planned appetizers, drinks and dancing. This may stay the same, depending on the number of people who can come. I may stretch the budget a little and go for an all-out buffet and an extra hour of socializing. All of us teachers report to work the next morning, so it will not be a late night. May, I found out, is a particularly popular month for weddings. Our real wedding date is May 19. Last year, all of my children, best friend and sister's family were attending but it was scheduled for June 10. This year, I am pretty certain they can't come. It is a Sunday afternoon, and I seriously doubt folks, even close relatives, want to pay for airfare for a vow renewal unless it's like your 50th. We are doing this on the May 20th to save $1000, a substantial sum which will go toward our honeymoon.
Our honeymoon destination last year was Hawaii. Unfortunately, the doctors did not want my husband to go on a long flight; they feared a seizure which presents itself as someone who is having a serious meltdown. Instead, we went to Coronado Island, California (driving distance) for three days. This year, we are spending two weeks there. Although not Hawaii, it holds many special memories for us and we are taking time to relax...something we were unable to do much of last summer.
And so, the plans continue. The invitations are here, my husband and I are losing weight to fit into our clothes, and we are moving forward. Wedding or vow renewal, what does it matter? What matters is a gathering of friends, loved ones and saying, "I do" all over again.
As my husband became better, we talked about whether or not to do something with this wedding that was paid for...we either lose the deposit or have one helluva vow renewal ceremony. We opted for the latter. Although only one year in, I think the struggles we have been through in the last year merit a marker. And so, let the vow renewal commence.
Gone are the dreams of Gatsby. My husband requested I wear a long dress. I think I went overboard as I have ordered a silver ball gown. Sweetheart neckline which looks amazing on my bustline. However, as I look at the pictures I took, I think, is this merely living out my fantasy of going to prom since I never did? I'm not sure. He, in the meantime, says I will find the right dress when the time is right. It is also a lesson in not going dress shopping after having a couple of glasses of wine.
The colors will be similar. Silver and black instead of charcoal and black unless I change my dress, which I might. I am leaning toward red. The cake is definitely different. Gone is the amazing looking cake with black scrollwork and real red roses on top, this one will be plain. White scroll on white icing with white roses. Again, unless I go with the red. If it sounds like I haven't quite made up my mind, you would be correct.
Previously, I planned appetizers, drinks and dancing. This may stay the same, depending on the number of people who can come. I may stretch the budget a little and go for an all-out buffet and an extra hour of socializing. All of us teachers report to work the next morning, so it will not be a late night. May, I found out, is a particularly popular month for weddings. Our real wedding date is May 19. Last year, all of my children, best friend and sister's family were attending but it was scheduled for June 10. This year, I am pretty certain they can't come. It is a Sunday afternoon, and I seriously doubt folks, even close relatives, want to pay for airfare for a vow renewal unless it's like your 50th. We are doing this on the May 20th to save $1000, a substantial sum which will go toward our honeymoon.
Our honeymoon destination last year was Hawaii. Unfortunately, the doctors did not want my husband to go on a long flight; they feared a seizure which presents itself as someone who is having a serious meltdown. Instead, we went to Coronado Island, California (driving distance) for three days. This year, we are spending two weeks there. Although not Hawaii, it holds many special memories for us and we are taking time to relax...something we were unable to do much of last summer.
And so, the plans continue. The invitations are here, my husband and I are losing weight to fit into our clothes, and we are moving forward. Wedding or vow renewal, what does it matter? What matters is a gathering of friends, loved ones and saying, "I do" all over again.
Dreaming
Today, I am writing...something I haven't done in forever. I suppose I'm inspired by my daughter writing on her own blog. Yes, we all have that creativity that drives us to places beyond the ordinary.
You see, when trying to live out your life's dream, you strive for the extraordinary. However, of late, I have not been able to determine what that is...Years ago, I had a vision of who I wanted to be. I worked hard. On my "free" time (which was not much), I wrote -- and wrote -- and wrote. So much, that I had a book's worth. But in this day and age of self-publishing, being broke doesn't get it done. So, that dream sat on a much-frustrated, back burner.
Then one day, I met someone...my husband...and I found my happy place. A place of contentment. So much so, that people remark how happy I look. Strange men remark how beautiful my smile is...people I know tell me how happy I look. Just a few short years ago my co-workers were asking "What's wrong?" on a daily basis. There wasn't one thing wrong...I was just breathing...not living but trying to get through my day.
Happiness is not as elusive as we think it is. For me, it was a "simple" divorce. (to be read with sarcasm) -- no divorce is simple and I don't really want to make light of it. I just knew the marriage was over. I merely had the courage to hire a lawyer to draw up the paperwork, and put a period where it belonged.
The next several years were spent working my ass off. Although not perfect, life was good. I had a roof over my head and food on the table. I was happy. I had unfulfilled dreams and aspirations and spent every moment I had working toward them.
Then one day, everything came to a screeching halt. I had met my husband. He is a kind and generous soul and one who makes me laugh -- a lot. He has a caustic sense of humor, which I love. He also channels my mother -- not occasionally, but all.the.time. She was my best friend and one who, although different than myself, had an understanding of people and life. It is uncanny how he will say things that she often would have said herself. They are not of the same generation, nor was he raised in the Midwest, where many of these colloquealisms come from. I find myself telling him (a lot), you're channelling Marlys (my mother's name).
Our relationship was not without its ups and downs. I really was not looking for marriage...I wanted a partner to go see movies, hang out and have a coffee. I got more than I bargained for in that department. We see movies several times a month -- oh, and I have a ring on my finger. On the downside, just before we were married, it was discovered that he had trauma to his frontal lobe, which handles emotions, reasoning and memory. Many of our fights in the early years were probably driven by this. I knew something was off but wasn't sure exactly what...I found out weeks before we were married. We also usually argue after a day of travel. Low blood sugar and being overly tired. Now, when he has an outburst, I know that it is driven medically and not to be overthought on my part. It is part of who he is...along with a seizure disorder and diabetes. No, he is not a healthy man, which is why we spend each day living life to the fullest. Somehow, watching your loved one in a hospital bed fighting for his life will remind you of that.
And so, although all of this may sound quite miserable, it isn't. The happiness I feel shows on my face. We have downsized significantly in order to pay off debt and enjoy life a little more together. And if God forbid, anything happens to the other, no selling of a house and moving will be necessitated -- we have already taken care of that. We enjoy our sacrosanct "date" night on Thursday evenings. Dinner, drinks and conversation. It is a "must-do" in our marriage. Nothing comes between that...not even my children who know that is a priority with us.
I still feel a longing in my heart, and if I could determine what that emptiness is, I would chase it everyday of the week (except Thursdays and Sundays). But, I tend to think that for now, those dreams are to be put on the back burner as I live out my wildest dream...a quiet life in a tiny apartment with the man I love.
You see, when trying to live out your life's dream, you strive for the extraordinary. However, of late, I have not been able to determine what that is...Years ago, I had a vision of who I wanted to be. I worked hard. On my "free" time (which was not much), I wrote -- and wrote -- and wrote. So much, that I had a book's worth. But in this day and age of self-publishing, being broke doesn't get it done. So, that dream sat on a much-frustrated, back burner.
Then one day, I met someone...my husband...and I found my happy place. A place of contentment. So much so, that people remark how happy I look. Strange men remark how beautiful my smile is...people I know tell me how happy I look. Just a few short years ago my co-workers were asking "What's wrong?" on a daily basis. There wasn't one thing wrong...I was just breathing...not living but trying to get through my day.
Happiness is not as elusive as we think it is. For me, it was a "simple" divorce. (to be read with sarcasm) -- no divorce is simple and I don't really want to make light of it. I just knew the marriage was over. I merely had the courage to hire a lawyer to draw up the paperwork, and put a period where it belonged.
The next several years were spent working my ass off. Although not perfect, life was good. I had a roof over my head and food on the table. I was happy. I had unfulfilled dreams and aspirations and spent every moment I had working toward them.
Then one day, everything came to a screeching halt. I had met my husband. He is a kind and generous soul and one who makes me laugh -- a lot. He has a caustic sense of humor, which I love. He also channels my mother -- not occasionally, but all.the.time. She was my best friend and one who, although different than myself, had an understanding of people and life. It is uncanny how he will say things that she often would have said herself. They are not of the same generation, nor was he raised in the Midwest, where many of these colloquealisms come from. I find myself telling him (a lot), you're channelling Marlys (my mother's name).
Our relationship was not without its ups and downs. I really was not looking for marriage...I wanted a partner to go see movies, hang out and have a coffee. I got more than I bargained for in that department. We see movies several times a month -- oh, and I have a ring on my finger. On the downside, just before we were married, it was discovered that he had trauma to his frontal lobe, which handles emotions, reasoning and memory. Many of our fights in the early years were probably driven by this. I knew something was off but wasn't sure exactly what...I found out weeks before we were married. We also usually argue after a day of travel. Low blood sugar and being overly tired. Now, when he has an outburst, I know that it is driven medically and not to be overthought on my part. It is part of who he is...along with a seizure disorder and diabetes. No, he is not a healthy man, which is why we spend each day living life to the fullest. Somehow, watching your loved one in a hospital bed fighting for his life will remind you of that.
And so, although all of this may sound quite miserable, it isn't. The happiness I feel shows on my face. We have downsized significantly in order to pay off debt and enjoy life a little more together. And if God forbid, anything happens to the other, no selling of a house and moving will be necessitated -- we have already taken care of that. We enjoy our sacrosanct "date" night on Thursday evenings. Dinner, drinks and conversation. It is a "must-do" in our marriage. Nothing comes between that...not even my children who know that is a priority with us.
I still feel a longing in my heart, and if I could determine what that emptiness is, I would chase it everyday of the week (except Thursdays and Sundays). But, I tend to think that for now, those dreams are to be put on the back burner as I live out my wildest dream...a quiet life in a tiny apartment with the man I love.
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