Beautiful Day

Although I don't write about it very often, surprisingly my good days do outweigh my bad days -- at least, I like to think they do!  Today was one such day!  I was off work.  It is Nevada Day and a beloved holiday out here because -- for you trivia buffs -- the state celebrated it's 150th birthday today AND it falls on Halloween!  So kids, in essence, party for two days instead of one!!  It is also a nice respite for the teachers, as we begin to gear up for the end of the semester.   Yes, I do plan ahead! 

More importantly, for the first time in a long while, I had a truly excellent day.  My week-ends of late have been a flurry of non-stop action.  Although, I don't mind having fun, I have been putting myself last again.  No more.  I am done being the last in line.  It is not healthy.  It is not soothing -- and it makes me incredibly cranky! 

First of all, I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing.  It was my kids.  They began group texting -- grandkids in Halloween costumes.  Normally, I might be annoyed at a buzz so early in the day but truth be told, I've been going to bed earlier.  Taking a walk every night. It makes getting up a lot easier!  And of course, I was off work -- which is the equivalent to a snow day in the Midwest!

The first thing I did this morning was talk to my daughter in Texas. We also Skyped briefly.  Apparently, I sounded very garbled and it was a bad connection; however,  I did get to see my grandbaby and daughter, which made my day.  We gave up Skyping after a few minutes and just talked for awhile.  I also texted some friends I hadn't spoken with in awhile and made a coffee date with one -- at her new house!  So, after chatting with my daughter, I went to my friend's house.  I was starving and picked up some fresh fruit salad.   I also got a grand tour of her house which, is gorgeous, I might add.  I'm incredibly happy for her!   I stayed for about an hour.  We caught up on life-- such an incredible treat to get together after so long.

After my visit, I headed to the park for a walk.  This is my all-time favorite place to walk. It is actually nicer in the evening but I had time and decided to just take some time and check it out in the daytime.  It was 81 degrees and sunny. I have to tell you, the heat took me by surprise.  It was extremely warm.  I got through the one mile loop, no problem.  I will say this; it is much more conducive for a prayer with God in the evening.  It is surrounded by mountains and the little retention ditch, smells like a lake.  With a little imagination, it is one -- at least, in my mind!  But it has to be dark...otherwise, it's very clear what it is!  That's ok -- I still communed with nature.  There were dragonflies and ducks out.  Many people were walking their dogs.  It was a gorgeous day, and well worth the time I spent getting some extra Vitamin D. 

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home for some fruits and veggies.  For lunch, I had veggies and hummus . Now few know this but I am, quite literally, the self-appointed "Queen of Hummus".  I not only make some of the best, I can also "doctor" up some store-bought stuff to rival that of any Lebanese restaurant -- in the Middle East!!  Who knew that some off-beat brand would actually be far better than the pricier ones?  I was happy with my selection which, by the way, was quite delicious without any assistance from me.  I then proceeded to make dinner -- chicken in the crock pot.  It's an old recipe of my mom's -- Chicken Paprika.  Making it stirred up some memories for me.  I thought of her making it, as I cut up the onions and put in the carrots.  Food for my heart and soul.

I had a book I wanted to read and just as I was about to go to the local coffee shop for a read, my oldest son called.  He was having an allergic reaction to some medication he was taking.  I picked him up from work and we called his doctor who suggested Benadryl and stopping the meds. He wanted a haircut, too. 

There is a hair place next to our local drugstore, which is also next door to my favorite coffee place.  So, I did get to go have my coffee -- while he was getting a haircut.   BTW, the barista made my day when she handed me the coffee cup and told me "no charge".   Happy - Halloween- to- me!  The book is one my pastor asked me to read for a project at church.   My understanding is I will be developing an interactive blog with it.   It is rather lighthearted and so, I found myself laughing out loud at the stories.  My son finished his haircut and joined me about an hour later.  I got in some good, undistracted time alone.  I also felt better doing something as enjoyable as reading.

I came home to the smell of my dinner.  As I write, I sit in my $5 garage sale rocker;  still the find of the century, as far as I'm concerned. I listen to my two "boys" upstairs playing some computer game.   They're 19 and 24 years old -- and men!  Yet, when they come home, it's like they're 8 and 13 again!   I love it because we have not all been together in several weeks.   The cat is undoubtedly with my oldest son.  He moved out recently and she has missed him. 

This is a day like any other and really, it's a day like no other.  I savor the smells and sounds within the house.  I feel blessed to have a day of "real" leisure. I feel blessed that people called me this morning and I am happy to have had a day such as this.  I needed it.  My soul has been elsewhere of late.  Even those closest to me know that I have been "different" - - I'm not sure what it is but I do find I am more impatient; the complete antithesis of who I am.  I think it is all the changes with work and my personal life.  I want to be out and enjoying life with others and yet, it is not what I need right now.  I need time with God.  I need some quiet.  I need to just be Lisa and not worry about anyone or anything but myself. 

The last few months have rushed past me.  I am working non-stop and feeling like I am behind on everything.  The truth is, I am not behind on anything; not even my bills.  It is me.  It is my ever-racing mind and body.  My spirit has been depleted.  I've been running on empty for a very long time.  I need to get healthy and whole.  The truth is, I have not allowed myself to really and truly heal from my divorce.  I am still discovering who I am and what a relationship means.  I have been dating without any real purpose.   I suppose many do but it's really not who I am.

Today and the last few days, I have allowed myself to really feel God's presence.   I have taken the time to look around and appreciate all that is surrounding me.  I have tried not to focus on what I can't control.  Instead, I just enjoy the scenery.   Beautiful mountains and sunsets and yes, even weather that does not sync with my idea of fall.  Yet, I am blessed beyond measure.  Sounds cliché but the truth is, I have nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to complain about. 

I hope that each of you takes just one day for yourself.  Take some time and just be alone with our Creator.  Let Him know how much you love him and appreciate His love for you.  I suppose to some,  this blog is lame. Yet, to me, it is what's in my heart tonight.  It's important because I know I'm not the only one who needs to hear this.  We all do.  Turn off the cell phone, turn off the television, sit in solitude and just enjoy the quiet.  My favorite Bible verse comes to mind.  Psalm 46:10  "Be still..." Yes, make that time for you but more importantly, for God.  You won't find him on some electronic device.  Rather,  He's with you.  Beside you.  In your heart and spirit.  His closeness is palpable, if you just take a moment and stop.  Be still.

I look out my window and see some sort of pink bush blooming.  Yes, the desert has its own beauty.  I try to make peace with it.  My home is where my heart is, and right now, it's in my cozy little condo.  It's with my cat and my two sons.  It is here that I am surrounded by the peace of God's everlasting love.  Quite simply, it was a beautiful day!

"It's a Beautiful Day" by Jamie Grace
http://youtu.be/Sxohx7IcN1Q

Playing and Praying

     Tonight, I found this on www.biblegateway.com .  I was looking for a particular Bible verse. This isn't it, but this one really spoke to my heart.  Sometimes God will do that, you know.  The verse says, [ When We Practice Real Love ] My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.  1 John 3:18-20 (The Message)

It seems of late that I am batting 1000 when it comes to the "love" department...NOT!  As I read the verse above, my eyes are more drawn to what prefaces it.  "When we practice real love."  An interesting statement; and frankly, I've never seen anything like that preface a Scripture on that or any other Biblical website.  A coincidence?  I think not...and so, another topic is born.

How do we practice love?  According to www.dictionary.com, practice can mean a habit or custom.  Hmmm, interesting.  Easy for many -- hard for those of us who really don't understand what it means to be in a relationship.  My baseball analogy -- yes, it's World Series time and so, I want to run with it.  In baseball, players train before the season begins.  Do we need to train for love?  After all, it speaks of practice.  I'm going to substitute practice with the definition  I found in the verse.  Now, let's read it.

"My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice (get in the habit of) real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

Great!  We need to be in the habit of real love.  But what's love?  Those of us who have been in relationships lacking love, really don't have a concept of what love is.  I am heading back to www.dictionary.com  Oh, boy -- as I suspected.  There are many "laymen" definitions for love out there.  It can be defined as anything from a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person to a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend or even sexual intercourse.  Wow!  I didn't see that coming!  Different kinds of love?  Yes, you are never "in love" with a parent, child or friend but when you are in a relationship, doesn't the love and passion you start with eventually become that sort of love?  I mean, how can the love you feel in the beginning of a relationship sustain itself?  I believe I have now officially hit a foul ball.  I'll tell you what.  I'm going to the Bible for this one.  God has a definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.  Let's have a look at the verses I'm referring to; most of you are familiar with them.




Ah yes -- that is the one I'm looking for.  That is an incredible definition of love.  Now, I want to ask you -- how many of you are treating your significant other in this way?   Are you patient and kind?  Are you humble enough to bow before God?  Because if you aren't, how can you expect your significant other to allow you to the be the spiritual leader? Are you rude to your spouse?  Less than generous?  Angry?  Bring up past mistakes? Are truthful?  Do you protect the one you love?  Do you trust them?  Do you believe in them?  Do you remain steadfast even when times are tough? 

I don't see anything about sex in there, which makes me wonder -- can sex be defined as love?  The layman's definition says it is but is it really?  Ump is calling for the ref.  What's the word?  It seems to me, that is up to the people in the relationship.  However, real love cannot have less than these parameters in order to have the foundational love that God wants all of us in a relationship to have.

I bring all this up for a reason; that is, the other night I found myself praying to God.  I asked God to remove me from a relationship that I knew was not rooted in love nor could I see it going in that direction.  The person I was with was spiritual but seemed to be pulling me further away from God instead of closer.  The Holy Spirit was telling me to leave.  I had tried to break it off twice but wasn't strong enough to say, "go away" when he called;  he knew it and I knew it.  Loneliness or even fear of loneliness, can keep you in a place where you don't want to be; I know because I was there a little over a year ago.  And so, interestingly enough, when I was meeting this man to watch the World Series, I found myself wanting to turn the car around at least three or four times.  I had a talk with God along the way to where we were meeting.  And I prayed for God to give me the strength to walk away.  Well, that night, I was not with him five minutes when I was so disrespected by him that I just said, "Goodbye" and left.  As I was getting my purse he said, "If you leave, don't come back!" to which I responded, "Fine."  I was mad but in complete control.  I just want to say, that was the single most empowering and pivotal moment of my life.  Why?  Because I found the strength to walk away.  To know that I was better than putting up with abuse.  To know that I am worth being loved and respected by a man.  I found the inner strength that night to say, "Enough!"  That was my very own "home run!"  I scored and I scored big!  I felt like a winner that night, even though the circumstances were not the best.  "And the crowd goes WILD!"

And so, I know that I am healing.  God can heal someone that was even as broken as I was a little over a year ago.  We need to trust Him.  We also need to listen to the Holy Spirit; when we hear that voice, LISTEN!   I was lucky -- I was only verbally lambasted but I could just as easily have been abused in another way.  Only God knows what our future holds.  He loves us so much more than any mere mortal and He proves it because He sent His Son to die for us.

We can doubt another person's love for us but we can never doubt God's love for us.  He has our best interests at heart.  And so, as I continue on my faith journey, I await the one that God has for me -- if He has someone for me.  I hope He does.  I want to know that wonderful love that I see in couples' eyes when they look at one another with complete adoration; I'm talking the couples that have been married fifty or sixty years.  The ones who have made it through the rough patches and all that life has thrown their way.  Call me an optimist but I know it exists and I believe that one day, God will bless me with such a love.  In the meantime, I have not "a man" in my life but "the Man" in my life.  Jesus.  He is my Hope and my Redeemer.   May you feel His love today and everyday.  It's real and it's powerful.




   
This is a favorite song of mine.  May it bless you.


"Hope in Front of Me"  by Danny Gokey
http://youtu.be/9KIhYZQ_ovw



















 






 

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Hard to believe a week has passed so quickly.  I had much success this week -- not in terms of weight loss but just in terms of life.  Again, life hit hard.  It was work stuff -- more than the usual but for someone who doesn't much care for change, a lot is getting thrown at me this year.

This past week, I did some serious working out and not so serious working out.  The serious working out consisted of really busting my butt on the treadmill as well as using weights.  I did do that consistently for three days.  On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, my energy came to a grinding halt.  I work two evenings a week -- Tuesdays and Thursdays -- and get home around 6:30 PM.  It's a 12 hour work day.  As a result, by the time I have dinner, it is around 7:30 PM and frankly, I don't particularly want to go and work out.  I need to relax for the evening and prepare mentally for the next day.  This is an area that I may have found an answer; where the not so serious workout comes into play.

Last night, I took a walk.  Nothing over the top but spent an hour in the cool evening; a welcome respite after the long summer we've had.  It definitely was fall-like weather.  I walked in a local park -- a leisurely walk.  I even stopped for awhile to look at the pond (okay, it's a pretty retention ditch but I can pretend, can't I?).  It has a marshy area and ducks.  Lots of them -- big and little.  And for a moment, I was transported to a different place.  I sat down for about 30 minutes and thought about life.  I talked to God.  Most of all, I listened for that still small voice; His voice.  And yes, He made some things very clear to me.  I hated to leave but it was getting late, so I continued my walk.  It was dark, cool and incredibly relaxing.  I discovered that those are the kinds of walks I need during the week.  Something where I spend more time with God; not just talk to Him but listen.

As for eating -- well, not one of my better weeks.  But I have incorporated something into my eating plan that a friend suggested; no eating after 7 PM.  Hard to do with my schedule but again, I gave it a shot this week-end.  Instead of dinner last night, I had a protein shake.  It is by a company called Visi.  I like their particular shakes because they don't taste horrible.   I add berries, pineapple and sometimes a banana to it.  They are packed with protein and collagen.  As we age, we lose collagen and this helps to restore it.  I can't say that I look any younger (maybe on the inside) but I have been using their products for a month and really like them.  I also take a capsule which helps with hunger and gives you energy,  and eat a protein "caramel" when hungry.  Those definitely help curb my appetite during the day.  These products are all natural and most importantly, I have not found them to interfere with my blood pressure medication. 

I lost a little over a pound this week.  My weight loss has never been fast -- even when I was in my mid-20's, it took 6 months to lose 15 pounds.  I am a very slow loser; one who is definitely in the throes of menopause, which I'm certain doesn't help.   However, anything that I do that increases my motivation and movement is a plus as far as I'm concerned.  Losing a pound -- although not a lot, is encouraging.   I did not gain my weight overnight.  This has been a lifelong battle -- a fight against my genetics. However, the last 19 years have been the hardest; I had my 4th child at the age of 35, and for some reason, that really slowed my metabolism.  In fact, I think it stopped it!  I will say this -- when I look at my health status at my age compared to other people my age (including my parents), I am doing great.  I don't have arthritis, have never had any joints replaced, I still continue to exercise, eat right most days and am learning how to manage stress.  I am 54 years old but frankly, don't feel like it.  In my mind, I am far younger.  I just have to fight (and I mean, hard) to get my body to match my mindset!

As for my journey -- it will be long.  I knew that going into this; but I am taking positive steps.  No longer are my "bad" days outweighing (pardon the pun) the "good" days.  Everyday is a learning experience and one that continues to propel me toward my goals.  I try to live my life with a positive mindset rather than a negative one.   It would be so easy to put myself down but I have moved beyond that -- those days are over.  I am a new person in Christ; one who is changing from the inside out.  He is healing me.

I am grateful for my Oola Life and even for the "hard" goals I have set.  I have no doubt I will reach them.  If I have one area to improve on, it's time management.  I will be attending OolaPalooza 2014 in Las Vegas, Nevada on November 7 & 8.  I am certain it will be life-changing.  If you would like to attend, I'm certain @OolaSeeker or @OolaGuru on Twitter could let you know if there are tickets available and the pricing.  Tell them Lisa sent you!  : )

Until next week, remember to stay positive, focused and reach for the moon.  Even if you miss it, you will land in the stars!

Letter to God

Dear God,

Today in church, you came to me and the Holy Spirit convicted me to write about my contribution to the end of my marriage.  For years, I never thought that I contributed anything.  I did, in fact, contribute a lot.

When I look back, I see many things that led to the culmination of the end of my marriage.  But the truth is, I should have never married this man.  I was never vested in the relationship.  I don't believe I knew it when we were dating, but I certainly knew it within the first year.

Someone has suggested that perhaps I was afraid of my husband.  I believe that to be true.  How else can one explain having over 30 years of anxiety attacks that disappear the day he leaves?  I have to face and admit to myself that yes, I stayed because I was scared.  I was scared to stay yet, I was scared to leave.  Very early on in our relationship, he hurt me physically.  And I believe that at 19 years of age, I was scared.  I remember him telling me over and over throughout our marriage that his father was a diplomat and that he could never be arrested outside of Kuwait.  Yes, he would not have gone to jail for his crime but rather, been deported.  I was also scared because I was not just a victim.  I had allowed things to escalate and therefore, in my mind, culpable for what happened.  Guilt.  As time went on, probably something similar to Stockholm Syndrome.   Yes, hard to believe but that is the only way I can explain feeling let out of my "captivity" on the day I realized I did not have a covenant marriage.

The day I decided to leave, he told me that we had a superficial relationship.  I remember feeling indignant.  How could he say that?  We had been married 31 years and had 4 children!  But you know what?  He was right.  I had second thoughts leading up to the marriage but went through with it for fear of what my family and our friends would think or say.  It's one thing to be a "pleaser" but quite another to be one to the detriment of your own self.

On our wedding night, he proved it was a terrible marriage.  I was sad and disappointed.  Within six months, things had changed dramatically.  We were having sex once or twice a week; this in our 20's!  I wanted to leave but didn't know how.  I kept hoping that somehow I would be rescued.  It didn't happen.   I didn't realize I had to save myself!

I found happiness and joy in our children but that is so different than finding it with a mate.  I had wanted our marriage to be forever but by our seventh year, I went to see my dad.  I told him how unhappy I was and that I wanted to leave.  He, in essence, told me to go back to my husband.  He was a good man and that it would destroy the lives of our two very young children.  I went home; disappointed he didn't understand and sad that I had no one in my corner.  I had hoped he would be my advocate since he never liked him when we were dating.  Instead, he shared with me the ills of divorce, and how he and my mother should never have gotten one.  Ever the dutiful daughter and wife, I returned home. 

After my father passed away, things came to a head.  The Gulf War was about to break out and I had, what I believe, may have been post-partum depression.  I was never diagnosed yet, I had near constant anxiety attacks.  I was very much, at risk for suicide. I had contemplated it quite seriously as I knew I could not live the way I was living.  However, sanity prevailed and I sought help from a therapeutic social worker, since I did not believe in taking anti-depressants at the time.  I had lost a significant amount of weight and couldn't eat.  I functioned for the sake of my children but there was no end in sight.  I took my husband to the social worker for counseling.  She diagnosed him as having a passive-aggressive personality disorder.  In essence, it goes something like this:

" Honey, will you take the trash out? "
"Sure."
2 hours later
"Would you take the trash out?"
"Yeah, after this show."
2 days later
"Will you take the goddamn trash out?"
"I told you I would!"
Finally, I take the trash out.

I believe that comes from his culture.  They use the expression, "Enshallah" a lot, which translates to, "If God wishes."  So our conversation in his world would go like this.

" Honey, will you take the trash out? "
"Enshallah."
2 hours later
"Would you take the trash out?"
"Enshaaallah."
2 days later
"Will you take the goddamn trash out?"
"Enshaaaaallah!"
Finally, I take the trash out.

Bottom line, is I asked for a divorce at that crucial time, to which he told me he would take the kids and leave the country.  Now I had a very real decision to make here.  Divorce him, and I had a lot of money at that time and could have done so easily, and risk him taking our 6 year old, our 4 year old and 6 month old out of the country and never find them or stay.  I decided to try and make the best of it and stay.  We renewed our vows and even had pictures taken.  We bought new rings (my idea) to symbolize a new beginning.  It was at our 10 year anniversary that we did this.  The thing is, you can take manure and throw rose petals on top and it will still smell like manure.  And that, is how we lived.

Was I vested in the marriage?  Absolutely not.  I was apathetic, lived to get through the day, and functioned well enough to take care of our children.  I was raised in an extremely negative household and was a negative person.  I cursed like a truck driver.  I never cheated but I was not really "in love" with this man.  If someone had expressed half an interest in me, and this is a very hard thing to admit to...I would have left.  I say that not because I am speculating but because I thought about that scenario many times.

As my book comes out with more details about my life, I pray that people will understand the choices I made.  I have people who do know the exact circumstances I reference and still say, "Why did you marry him?" God, only you know the answer to that.  Frankly I'm not really sure.  I do know that I have four beautiful children.  Yes, our genes melded perfectly!

It is hard to write this in a public forum because I am admitting my contribution to the demise of my marriage.  It is not pretty.  It is hard to face and yet, You are asking me to do this.  And so I do -- out of complete obedience to you, Lord.   I write it publicly in hopes that it will help others who want to leave and have no support -- or who are afraid to leave-- or who are marrying for the wrong reasons; such as saving face.  Lord, let them know that they can come to you.  For you have the answers, and you will guide them on the path in which You want them to go.  How I wish I had opened my heart and my mind years earlier.  It would have saved much pain in the long run!

God, I pray that they learn that when it comes to yourself, there is no saving face -- only saving grace.  You are the only One we have to please.  So Lord, I ask for your forgiveness for living a lie for so many years.  I stayed married for the wrong reasons.  I believed in covenant marriage and yet, in essence, this marriage was a sham; a complete farce.  Lord God, forgive me for taking something so sacred and not living in a place of love and joy but rather guilt and sadness.   For saying vows I really didn't mean.  I ask that you move me beyond where I am today and help me to find complete healing.  I cannot really love someone until I understand what love is...I know that you're love but I don't understand the love that men and women share in a marriage.  I can only guess when I see the faces of people who are happily married. 

I do know this; they put You first.  You are the foundation in a marriage and Christ is the cornerstone.  We are to love others as we love ourselves.  And so Lord, I ask you to help me find the self-love that I need in order to love another.  I ask that when the time comes, you put that perfect person in my life.  I know I will make missteps but pray for Your guidance and wisdom.  Help me to guard my heart and live as a Christian should.  I believe then, and only then, can I love another in the way in which You intended.

Humbly,
Lisa

"When I Say I Do" by Matthew West

http://youtu.be/Ui_FcYlI_NU
 

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Well folks, I think I finally "get it".  The light bulb went off at last.  Better late than never, I suppose.  This from an unlikely source...a gentleman friend.  Yesterday was a day like no other.  Little sleep, feeling depressed and just -- it was a very low day.  My friend is, a "pull-no-punches" kind of guy.  I like him for it but I also, kind of not like him for it.  His honesty is beyond brutal and often times, not what I want to hear.  But, truth be told...sometimes, we need to hear things we don't want to hear.  God knows that, and I'm a firm believer that he places people in our lives for a reason.  This person is no exception.

Yesterday, this friend told me in no uncertain terms,  I needed to quit thinking about my life and just go exercise.  Now, I preface this by saying, he practices what he preaches.  He himself is 60 years old, exercises 2-3 hours/day, sleeps like 4 hours a night, has very little body fat, used to be a professional kickboxer and was a personal trainer.  He also is the one who introduced me to the mind, body, and spirit connection.  And just for the record, when we went to the movies last night, I made him ask for a senior discount for me and then they asked him whether or not he needed one -- really more as an afterthought -- as if, show me your I.D.   Fifty is a senior out here, so that means the guy looks even younger than me...sigh!  And yes, he soooo enjoyed hearing that! 

Getting back to my morning,  I decided, "Ok -- maybe he's got a point."  After all, I read somewhere that walking 30 minutes a day gives you about the same amount of "medicine" as taking a low-dose antidepressant.  And truth be told, I was not in a happy place.  I was in an even less happy place after talking with him but thought (through gritted teeth)-- "Fine!"  I frankly think I did this to prove to him I could indeed do it.   I wasn't particularly motivated other than the fact that I knew I was going to see him that night and didn't want to hear about how I didn't exercise.  So I went to the little gym at my condo, turned on my Pandora radio (set to disco because that is music that I love to move to) and alternately walked and ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill.  But something was different with this workout -- I wasn't particularly motivated but I was focused -- determined -- and out to prove a point!  I kicked butt on the treadmill -- mine!  I actually ran 1/4  mile out of the 1 1/2 miles that I'd walked.  I actually had left the clubhouse after the treadmill but forgot my keys.  Ah, God has a way of convicting us.  I found myself  in the weight room where I used the weight lifting machine.  Ok, I don't know what it's called but it has the plates on it.  I was a driven -- a madwoman!  I did reps rather than a lot of weight.

I  left after 45 minutes, feeling exhilarated.  Yes, I was tired but not overly sore and  more importantly, realized what a "good" workout feels like.  In my mind, it is pushing yourself beyond what you think you can do.  Sweating until the beads of sweat run down your face and drop onto the floor.  THAT is exercise.  For a split second that day, it reminded me of being in college and running with a roommate.  She was a runner in high school.  I joined her a few evenings a week to get in shape.  And I always felt the endorphins kick in.  Guess what?  They kicked in yesterday, too.  I left feeling happy for the first time in about a month.  I had a "runner's high".

And so, today I couldn't wait to get back to that little exercise room.  I wanted that "high" again.  I worked out for an hour.  And guess what?  I ran a 1/2 mile today.  Today, my mantra while running in short spurts was "fake it 'til you make it!'  Whatever works, right?  For those few, brief moments, I was a runner getting in shape for a marathon.  Truth be told, I am not planning to run one but I would like to one day be to the point where I run for my entire workout.

So, what have I learned this week?  It's not just about exercising.  Walking is fine for cardio but to lose weight, you have to make yourself go -- push yourself to the limit.  Now, I do not recommend any of this without seeing a doctor first.  I have already been checked out by a cardiologist and have had both a stress test and echocardiogram, so I know I am physically able to do this.  Truth be told, my heart rate wasn't any higher than when I am in his office.  For others who have more weight to lose, take it slower and work your way up.  I have a friend who has lost 100 pounds in the last couple of years.  She's lost 40 pounds recently over a period of 4 months.  She didn't eat much and she pushed herself hard.  She is now running 4 miles at a time.  She looks great.  I personally cannot go the route she did for those 40 pounds because I need to eat and want to eat.  I am also twenty years older than her.   However I know I can push myself when I'm on that treadmill and get those synapses in my brain fired up.  Get in the "zone" ... my "happy" place.

So, the big question becomes this...why am I doing this?  To get my friend off my back or for me?  I must confess, yesterday it was to get my friend off my back.  However, quite by accident, I discovered  that by pushing myself more than I dreamed possible, I not only feel better but know eventually will look better.  At this point, my goal is to be down 20 pounds by Christmas and you know what?  I feel confident that I can do it. 

 Proving to myself that I could do it was a huge step in the right direction.  I am more confident in my ability to become the person I want to be -- healthier, stronger,  prettier, more energetic and do I dare say it? Sexier!  I'm finding there is a mind, body and spirit connection and it begins with your attitude! 

"I Got a New Attitude" by Patti LaBelle

http://youtu.be/QWfZ5SZZ4xE

Life's Treasures

Tonight I'm laying in bed and as tired as I am, I can't sleep.  I am mulling thoughts around in my head.  It has been a terrible week topped off by my getting a bad reaction to a flu shot; something that had never happened before.  I want to cry but I know the tears will not stop once they start.  It's really not the culmination of the week but more like the past few years. I have done all the right things and yet, it seems as though it doesn't matter.  That is a hard reality to face.

You see, I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am today.  I have come from a bad marriage and made a new life for myself.  Not one without its share of difficulties mind you.  I have gone through doubt, pity, hurt, financial woes, family crises, depression and a host of other feelings.  As long as I've fought it, it feels like the sting of life is finally catching up with me.

I have my dreams and I still chase them.  This week-end, I was not going to write.  I thought to myself, "You're burnt out.  Take a vacation from writing this week-end."  I was going to  -- really, I was.  And then, I heard a song.  And the song made me sad.  And so, I write this as tears slip down my face.

I had to make some very hard choices over the past week; choices that were positive for myself.  It was me taking charge of my life and my health.  I put myself first.  So, why does it hurt so much?  Because it involved my child.  It involved my forcing him to grow up and face his life.  It also made me face the choices I made in life because he is a product, to some degree, of his environment.  And so, I will have to accept responsibility for that and live with the guilt.

I have been asked by many, why did I marry his father?  Why didn't I leave his father?  As my story comes out next fall, I hope that people will understand.  It is so easy for others to pass judgment on something they haven't lived.  I'm not even sure I understand it myself.  I only know that when I met my ex-husband I was a very young and naïve 19-year-old.  When I divorced him, I was 53 years old.  I somehow found the strength and courage to do what I should have done 25 years earlier but couldn't.  I can't change that, even though I wish that somehow I could.

Today, I am facing some hard facts.  First, I am left with a broken child.  I am left with broken finances.  I am living in a place that never quite felt like my home and where it only holds some very bad memories.  I am, in the midst of this crisis, talking with my ex-husband.  It is a "must-do" and yet, after I speak with him, I find myself broken once again.  I am tired of working the hours that I do because he chooses (and make no mistake, it is a choice on his part) not to do the right thing.

I could go on but more importantly, I need to look at myself and try to figure out how I can make this better?  There are only so many ways I can cut my budget and trust me, it is down about as low as it can go.  Yet, I keep reworking it.  I will make it happen.  And yes, I will rebuild the savings account that had to be spent to keep the world on its axis when my ex decided he was going to take control and "rework" his payments to me.  "Smile.  Life is good!"  I am lying to myself and I know it, but I also know you need to "fake it 'til you make it!"  I am in that mode.  Pure survival.

Someone on Facebook sent me a post this week to list 3 things I was grateful for.  I passed the challenge to my children.  None of them responded.  I don't know why they didn't respond -- I hope they are just too busy or think it's a stupid post.  I, for one, took the challenge for 1 of the 7 days that was required. I listed I was grateful for God, family and friends and my job.  If I really sat down and thought about it my list would be much more comprehensive but those are the basics.  I want to take that time for that more comprehensive list.  I want to do that for two reasons.  One, because I feel terrible and I know that when I look at everything I am grateful for that I will feel much better.  I will see all that God has blessed me with rather than what Satan has tried to steal, which is my joy.  And two, I didn't really fulfill the challenge due to my circumstances during the week.  And besides, I think it was kind of a wimpy, cop-out sort of answer.  A little glib.  Written one morning as I was trying to get out the door for work.  And so, I am going to fulfill that promise to my friend who challenged me, and to myself.  I need to think about what I really and truly am grateful for tonight.  It will not just fulfill that Facebook challenge which really, doesn't amount to much but it will fulfill a much deeper need inside of me; that is, to make me realize that I really and truly am blessed.  Despite my circumstances, I am thankful.  As a sidebar, as I write this, I am reminded of a boy I once read about; he was grateful despite his circumstances.  His story touched my heart.  And so, in memory of a special boy who passed away far too early, here is my list.

I am grateful for (deep breath) God, my family, friends, job (s) (which keep a roof over my head, my bills paid, and food on the table), writing, my students, my colleagues, rainbows, fall colors on the trees, swimming pools, oceans, lakes, God's country, my St. Louis family, friends and connections, my Texas family and friends, my Kuwait family and friends, my experiences in life -- good, bad or otherwise-- my ability to type 60 wpm (otherwise, these blogs would take FOREVER to write!), my sense of humor, the people God has sent to me who offer me hope and share in my journey and vision for my future, my counselor, antidepressants (thank you, Lord for those!!), healing of a broken heart, strength, courage, peace, security, God's grace and mercy, Jesus dying on the cross, the Holy Spirit that lives in me and builds me up, my prayer warriors who do battle with me and for me each and every day, my faith, my "besties" in St. Louis, Oregon, Kuwait and Ohio, those who read and (lest we forget) share my blog, my Twitter-land friends, the sound of the gentle rain on a fall day or a thunderstorm in spring, the sound of cicadas calling to their mates and signaling the end of summer, fishing, camping trips, boating, anything lake-related, 5-star hotel rooms with room service, books (real ones, not e-books -- although, those are handy for trips), ice cream (a double-edged sword since I love how it tastes but I don't wear it particularly well on my hips), exercise (another double-edged sword since I love what it does but hate to do it), a sense of style, my curves (although I could use a few less) and my curly hair (sigh, it will never be straight so I have made peace with it), a field of sunflowers, movie popcorn and a tall diet Coke (Because really?  What else can you have with a 1500 calorie tub of popcorn covered in grease?), coffee (any kind, anytime!), a great glass of wine, a cold beer (preferably Bud Light), saccharin (because I have grown to love its taste and never mind that it causes cancer -- so does everything else we eat!), non-stop sunshine (in Vegas of all places!), skies that look like they were painted by God himself, airplanes (ok, that's a love-hate relationship but they get me where I'm going),  a cold shower after surviving 112 degree day in Vegas and deodorant for the very same reason, air conditioning, a reliable car that gets me to work and well, you get the idea.  I truly could go on about everything I am grateful for.

Well, my tears have stopped.  They stopped about a paragraph ago.  You see, reminding ourselves of the bad things in our lives only feeds the negative.  When we think about the positive things in our lives, we realize how incredibly blessed we are.  Life isn't perfect.  It hasn't been since Adam and Eve.  So, why should I expect my life to be perfect?  Why should you expect your life to be perfect?  But we can be perfectly content even in the midst of chaos.  All we have to do is look heavenward and say with our hearts, "Thank you, God!   You have truly blessed me and for that, I am forever grateful!"

So take a few minutes when you are in the midst of sadness and pour out your heart to God.  Write to Him your love letter and let Him know how you truly feel.  Reach out to Him and you will feel His presence surround you.  He will give you unimaginable treasures; you just have to recognize them.


"Beautiful" by Mercy Me
http://youtu.be/7C2o0jHNRuU 

It's All about Me

 

Self-care.  I frequently write on my student's Individual Education Plans how they will manage self-care in the future.  But what am I doing about my own self-care?

On airplanes, as you are being shown the oxygen masks, the flight crew makes certain that you understand to take care of yourself first before helping your children.  It is the cardinal rule in order for both of you to survive.  How come we are able to do this on an airplane in a life-or-death situation, but not in the day-to-day?

After a few intense days, I realize that although I work in the day-to-day and function in the day-to-day, I am completely empty.  All my reserves have been drained.  There hadn't been a lot to begin with but I managed.  Yes, that is the extent of my caring for myself -- managing the situation.  That is not a very positive image or statement, is it?  Managing implies that, you are present but not in any particular capacity other than to just get through the day.  At least, that's the connotation I get when I read that statement.  And although I am able to do a lot, I can't do it all.  Especially when my energy sources are depleted.

The point of this blog is to reflect on how I can become whole again; healthy.  I have always been there for others and in fact, probably even prided myself on it a little.  But the truth is, there is nothing to be proud of --- because, as someone so eloquently pointed out to me -- Jesus in the Bible states, love your neighbor as you love yourself.  If you are not putting yourself first, you are probably not taking care of yourself.  You don't love yourself enough to do it.  So, how can you love others if you don't even know how it feels to be loved yourself?

As I write this blog it feels selfish.  And yet, our emotions should not dictate who we are; rather, we should rely on God's Word to help us through difficult times and to make sure our actions line up with our thoughts, words and deeds.  So here it is.  Putting yourself first is not selfish.  There, I said it.  Now, I have to read it and believe it.  Putting yourself first is not selfish...putting yourself first is not selfish...putting yourself first is NOT selfish.  Putting yourself first IS necessary.  Ah, there we go.  Something I can understand.  It's a necessity of life.  Not a luxury but a necessity.  How is it I have a friend who functions at pretty much 100% capacity?  Can sleep for four hours and feel rested?  Because he takes care of himself.  He puts himself first.  He is not selfish -- rather, he is taking care of himself.  Huge difference. 

Dictionary.com defines selfish as this --devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. Now put X marks through that.  Let's look at the definition of take care of -- to watch over; be responsible for.  So we are watching over or being responsible of ourselves.  But why would we want to do that?  Maybe it's so we can feel better...so we can serve others.  Ah, so we can have a servants heart. 

As I read the statement above, I get it.  I have been active in my church for some time.  Yet, for the past few months, had not had any "real" joy from doing so.  I realized that I am tired.  Not tired of serving but just physically and mentally worn out.  The truth is, God doesn't want us serving from that place.  He wants us to serve with a joyful heart.  I told my pastor I had been praying about this -- letting go of some of my obligations at church.  I don't like to do that, yet it is beginning to feel more and more like another job.  I am serving from a place of obligation.  It is true, we will at times need to perform duties out of a sense of duty--otherwise, there would be zero volunteers.  However,  it shouldn't be how you feel all the time.  And when you do, it's time to let someone else step in.  Each and every time I prayed about letting go of some of my volunteer work, I got the same answer.  Serve with a joyful heart.  I was no longer serving joyfully.  I knew it was time.  And so, I am serving in ways that are much more meaningful for me.  Paring back.  Doing things that I can do from home, rather than from outside my home.  I will one day be ready to serve again, but I see this period in my life as a time of rebuilding and getting healthy and whole.  There was a period of time when I rebuilt the spiritual from the inside out.  Now it's time for the physical and with that, I believe the mental will follow.

I hope you take away a couple of things from this article.  You cannot be all things to all people.  Pick and choose wisely.  You must be completely whole in order to function at more than just  "getting by".  You need to be at peak performance.  Think of yourself as a runner training for the marathon.  After all, the journey we are on is not a sprint; rather it is a marathon. I know that sounds cliché but that is the truth.  And for that, we need to build endurance.  We need to eat right, get enough sleep, exercise and focus on God; for He is our strength in those times when we are weak.  Life can wreak havoc on us.  It will throw the unimaginable our way.  Yet, take heart for God is there.   However it does not negate the fact that we need to be present; healthy; whole. 

My challenge for this week is for each of us to take time for God, and work toward living a better life, so we can be a better us.  A better you.  A better me.  Our lives will no longer be empty but rather, rich and full.   In that way, we can live and love others as we love ourselves.

"Dear Self: I Love You" by Blueprint for Love

http://youtu.be/Bp7HRw2LNJU

Reflections on Healing

It's kind of amazing -- that God can truly heal us.  I know, because I've been there.  I have been down and at times, life does hit me hard.  And yet, with God, I am strong.

Not too long ago, a male friend reminded me of how much healing I have to do.  Yes, I have more healing to do but what he was missing is how much healing I've already done.  I told him, you may have muscles on the outside but I have muscles on the inside.  I have what he couldn't see...inner strength.

I have been through much in my life and continue to go through trials.  God never promised us a life free of hardship.  He does, however, promise to be there.  He is there and He walks with me. He sends people my way to care for me.  He has done more for me than any man I have met ever could.

This week I went through some particularly difficult challenges.  I am not going to discuss them in order to protect this person's privacy.  Suffice it to say, it caused everyone involved much pain.  However, despite the situation, it taught me something new.  It made me realize, I cannot be all things to all people.  A valuable lesson for someone who has been a "giver" all of their life.  There are sometimes when we just have to say, "I've done all that is humanly possible."  It's difficult for someone like me to say that -- even harder to let go.  But when life becomes such that it begins to interfere with your mental state, happiness, job, and family life, it is time to just let it go.  I used to be annoyed when friends or family would suggest that to me.  I think I am healing enough that I realize it's true.  They told me to let go because they loved me; more than I loved myself.  I couldn't see it because I chose to put another person before myself.

Healing is not easy.  I don't believe seeing a counselor is the only way to heal; for me, it is part of the process.   How has counseling helped me?  I have learned there are various ways we attach to others based upon how much we trust and how much we feel we deserve to be loved.  I do not have what would be considered healthy attachments.  Whereas I used to be anxious about another person's feelings towards me, I am moving away from that.  Currently, I am at the break it off fast stage but with some components of the anxiety stage.  I want to move away from a person before I get hurt.   I am learning that relationships should take time.  They take effort.  This is why Internet dating is a "dangerous" place for me.  Men on the Internet move very quickly.  It is not like the good "old" days where you have a drink and get to know a person.  No, you are thrown into a social media situation where everything is instantaneous -- even romance, love and sex.  So, I moved away from all of that; a good move, in my opinion. 

But, there are also other ways to heal.  For me, it is my faith in God that has healed me more than any counselor could.  He has brought people in and out of my life that have all served a purpose.  I personally believe if you have a deep and abiding faith, He will send you some incredible friends.  They are there for a reason, and over time, you discover their purpose.  This is part of God's plan for you.  You know these people are from God if they have a positive message and are able to help you find yourself and heal.  They will also serve to fill in the areas where you have deficits.  For instance, I have met people who have helped me with life plans, budgets, spiritual, physical and other needs.  As time goes on, I see where everyone has a place and a purpose in my life.  I am also now wise enough to understand that not everyone deserves a place in my life.  Sometimes we are blessed to have a mate and other times, we are equally blessed to have amazing friends.  Right now, I am blessed with the latter.

And so, I am healing.  I am learning that it's ok for my life to revolve around me--that I can be just a little bit selfish in order to be happy.  I do not have to please everyone -- I will never be able to be all things to all people.  This is a new concept and hard for me to wrap my brain around.

 I have discovered, I am incredibly strong.  It is one of my best qualities and I thank God for giving it to me.  My inner muscles are flexing.  One day I will have it all together or at least, be close.  I am on this journey for the long haul and in a place of peace.  Despite the challenges I have been through, I am grateful for they have all served a purpose in making me the person I am today.

If you are facing struggles, I encourage you to seek wise counsel; whether it be with clergy, a counselor or both.  As you walk through life, you will find that it is not perfect but it can be amazing!  At times, the road  is rough, but you will eventually come to a place of peace.  Hold tight to your faith.  God is present.  I am not healed completely but I am, in my opinion, well on my way.  I know where I was and where I am.  I no longer care what others think of me, except for those who matter in my life.  As time goes on, you will find your inner circle of friends shrinking.  That's a good thing.  Those are the people who love you and accept you for who you are; they do not want anything from you other than your happiness.  Those are the ones who love you.

I live with faith and that guides my footsteps.  Love yourself as God loves you.  You are worth it.  More importantly, love God.  He shines light in the darkness.  Even under the proverbial blankets, where we all want to hide.  It's time to get out of your hiding place and let His light shine in us and through us. 

¹⁴ “You are like light for the whole world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. ¹⁵ No one lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl; instead it is put on the lampstand, where it gives light for everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way your light must shine before people, so that they will see the good things you do and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16 (GNT)

"Light of the Earth" from Godspell: 

http://youtu.be/ivBFmfvSTS8

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Ah, reality check!  Last week-end, I began this blog but simply ran out of time.  I kept thinking I would get back to it but "life happens".  And so, albeit late, I am giving you an update on my progress.  With that in mind, these past two weeks found me taking to heart something that a friend told me - a balance between mind, body and spirit.  He makes time to workout and God bless him, he can function on four hours of sleep.  I, on the other hand, do not set my alarm on the week-ends and sleep twelve hours.  Now, he doesn't work with children or have a second job.  Perhaps that's the difference.  Maybe we're just wired differently.  Or maybe, because he's been working out his entire adult life, he just no longer needs a lot of sleep because his body is functioning at maximum efficiency.

I must confess, I cannot believe that I have a friend -- ok, boyfriend-- who is so darned physically fit. I am in awe of a sixty year old man who has incredible biceps and lean muscle mass.  Yes, not only is he attractive physically but also, offers words of encouragement.  He wants me to love myself enough to get into shape for me.  So, the truth is, that is what I'm doing.  I'm not doing this for anyone but me.  But, I have struggled in the past and this week was no exception.

 Last week, I said that I wanted to work out seven days.  I was able to do four.  I suppose if I got up at 4:00 AM, I could make it happen.  The truth is, right now I'm not so inspired. I am not in that place yet; the place where exercise is a priority.  I look at my boyfriend and the great shape he is in.  I know that in order to keep up with him,  I will need to be in better shape.  He doesn't ask me to do it and yet, I find myself feeling inferior.  I suppose that is the downside to dating someone who is more attractive to you than you think you are -- and I say that with some intentionality because dating this man does trigger old insecurities about my own physical appearance.   Nothing he says or does; this is all on me. 

Additionally, as I have said before,  this is, a mental game and my personal life won on many levels this week.  I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say, when you are mentally and physically exhausted, it takes a toll. This week, I started Monday feeling like I do on a Friday.  I had little, if any reserves, and found myself getting slammed--in a metaphorical sense --by life. I am making it through but it has left me shaken and bruised.  It is solely my faith in God, prayers and the help of friends that has kept me glued together. 

Last week, my eating was amazing. This week, not so much.  I found myself eating fast food not once but twice this week!  Note the word "found" -- the connotation is I had no control.  Wrong!  However, it was one of those days; horrific day, nothing in sight to eat save that one fast food joint and hunger.  A bad combination, to say the least!  About 30 minutes later, I regretted that decision on many levels -- mostly because I was physically ill as a result of throwing crappy tacos on a stomach that had been in pain for the last few days.  I fought nausea all afternoon.  Not good but also, made me realize that next time, I need to take 10 extra minutes and drive to find a more suitable place to eat instead of  taking the "easy" way out.

And so, my past two weeks were not exceptional.  I have struggled.  Last week was much better.  But I was actively working on my weight loss.  This week, I was working on pure survival.  This week-end, the game plan is to get some rest and resume a much more normal life -- which includes my Oola plan and focusing on fitness.  I think if this blog tells me (and you) anything it's that life can derail us big-time.  It is not an excuse for giving up but rather, an impetus for moving forward.  I did not accomplish what I wanted and yet, it is not an excuse to waiver and say, "oh what the heck!" and give up.  It also shows me that life is never going to be perfect.  And I have to learn how to rise above that, keep my emotions in check unless I am using them to drive me in a positive, rather than a negative direction.  I am continuing to work toward feeling better--yes,  even looking better -- but most of all, putting the mind-body-spirit into a place God intended; connected and fully enjoined with Him.  In that way, we can truly be all He intended.

²² But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ humility, and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23  Good News Translation (GNT)

 

 

Ok this song really has little to do with my blog other than I just love it!  Thank you Gloria Estefan for making music that makes me want to move!!

 

http://youtu.be/inHwBUo9Pzk

 

 

 

 

Five Minutes

<sup>Jesus was meeting with the Pharisees and Sadducees -- the leaders of the temple of the day and the question was posed:

36</sup> “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40 New International Version (NIV)
And so, began today's sermon.

Today, people talk on the phone, answer e-mails and IM simultaneously; something they didn't do years ago.  According to NPR, however, we simply aren't wired to multi-task.  Rather, we're only able to switch from one thing to the next. And we do it with incredible speed.  Hence, we think we're multi-tasking when in fact, we are actually switching tasks. (Hamilton, 2008)  And therein, lies the problem.

You see, in today's hurry up and get things done, kind of world, we don't take time to focus.  We need to allow ourselves to be focused so not only can we get the job done but we can do it to the best of our ability.  Likewise, we need to take time a few minutes a day to focus on our Creator.  And that requires stopping everything and focusing on Him.

Today, our pastor challenged us to take five minutes a day and focus on our Creator.  Pray, read the Bible, sing or listen to praise music or just be quiet.   But focus solely on Him.  Let Him be the center of your world for just five minutes a day.

I find it a little sad that we actually have to be "challenged" to spend time with our God.  But the truth is, sometimes we need that reminder.  Because in today's, hurry up and get things done kind of world, we sometimes put the least important things first -- and the most important things, last. 

So, I am passing along the challenge.  Be with God for just five minutes of your day.  Be with Him and allow His spirit to fill you.  Listen to what he has to say.  Put down the phone, turn off the TV and just be present.  Spend time with Him.  Love Him as He has loved us.  Try it.  Maybe...just maybe...you will feel His holy presence.  Feel His closeness -- in your heart.  Be still and spend time with your Heavenly Father.

"Be Still and Know" by Steven Curtis Chapman

http://youtu.be/BgaHaioAjyg