The Empty Nest

Yesterday it hit me hard...my kids are grown.  Moving back to my hometown will not change anything.  The fact is, my children have their own lives.  I have done a good job as a mom.  They are independent.  Yet, I am sad.  I don't see them often enough.  Even if I lived closer, I doubt I would see them more than once a month.  And so, that is my reality.

I know in my heart of hearts, they are happy and healthy.  I can't ask for more than that!  However, it is hard.  I miss them.  I miss my grandchildren.  I live too far to drive a couple of hours.  I am a flight away and it requires "real" planning to get there...saving money for the flight and making sure our schedules are cohesive.

It is hard to realize that I need to move forward with my own life.  This is my time to enjoy.  No responsibilities, save my job.  That's it.  I am not in school, no second jobs, no babysitting duties....life is good.  Yet, there is an emptiness inside of me.

And so, I am looking for ways to keep myself busy.  I am hoping for more travel, possibly a hobby or just finding a way to hang out with other women my age.  I may go back to school and get an administrator's degree.  The world is my oyster.

And so, although I miss my children far more than they miss me, I also realize that my role as a mother has changed.  It has gone from taking care and nurturing them to being supportive in their decisions and offer advice, IF they ask.  I also get the pleasure of spoiling my grandkids when I visit them.  Feeling those little arms around my neck fills me with love that I can't even describe.

I continue to work to find my place in this world.  I hope that I can make it a better place.  Perhaps my writings will one day give my grandkids a better insight as to who I am and my belief system.  This is one of the greatest times in a parent's life.  It is also one of the hardest.  I know I need to learn how to savor it.

Growing Older

Last night while talking with my sister, I shared with her that my 50's were my favorite decade.  She was somewhat surprised.  Even though I have gone through some incredibly difficult thing such as divorce and bankruptcy, I have also gained a tremendous amount of wisdom.

The other day, my students asked me, "Miss, how old are you?"  I said, "How old do you think I am?"  I got the gamut from being in my 30's (yeah, I can smell someone who wants an A a mile away!) to my 40's.  When I shared my actual age, they were incredibly surprised!  They all said they thought I was in my early 40's.  I told them I loved them all!

Truth is, I wouldn't go back to my 40's for anything.  Looking at pictures, you can see how very unhappy and unhealthy I was.  The smile I wore was a facade for what I was truly feeling.  I can remember my co-workers asking me everyday if I was okay - I looked tired.  I WAS tired!  Tired of my life... I was living a lie.

Today, I live life authentically.  I try to be as honest as possible.  Life is too short for negativity.  You see, that is the beauty of growing old.  You appreciate each and every day.  You understand that life is not a given and that, at any moment, you could be gone.  You are joyful.  Yes, I have and continue to go through difficult times but I turn them over to God.   It is probably why I look and act like I don't have a care in the world!

I have lived a life with so many experiences...some good, other not so good.  Yet, I cherish all of these experiences because they are the building blocks of who I am today.  I have turned my life over to Christ and He is the cornerstone of the foundation upon which I have built my life.  I was always a believer but you never truly realize how important that statement is until you go through something incredibly devastating, such as losing someone  you love dearly, a divorce, losing a house or suffering from a debilitating illness and /or emotional issues.  

I have lived long enough to be a grandmother many times over, and the joy my grandchildren bring me is immense.  Although I loved having my own children, it is so amazing to see your own children with their babies, and to be able to nurture those children in ways you could never nurture your own.  Spending time with my grandchildren is probably the most enjoyable thing I do.

I am also an empty-nester, leaving me time for things I never had time for before; taking care of myself, spending time with my friends and enjoying a healthy relationship.  I love being able to pick up and head out to dinner or a movie without worrying about getting a babysitter.  I can facilitate Bible study AND have time to study the Bible without worrying about disruptions.

Yes, life is good.  If you're not there yet, you will be one day.  Enjoy the present.  It's called the present for a reason; because it is truly a gift from God.