How I Spent My Spring Break

How I wish I could write that I spent the week partying away at some amazing beach!  However, that was not the spring break God had planned for me.  Instead, I spent my vacation moving.

Sounds like a drag and yes, it was a bit of one.  Thankfully, my fiancé stepped up to the plate and packed everything the week before.  All I really needed to do was hire a mover, a cleaning crew and a carpet cleaner and make sure that the job was completed.  Oh, and cleaning the garage.

Yes, the week before was spent cleaning my garage -- the bane of my existence for the last three years.  There were boxes I didn't have space for or look in for three years.  And so, I had to be ruthless and brave -- for God only knew if there were cockroaches, scorpions and/or rats in there.  The worst?  I swore I was going to catch Hanta virus!  And so, I threw away many things -- even books!   Yes, I even threw away my beloved textbooks and school books.  I decided that since we have gone to Common Core, most of my books  were pretty obsolete.  And so, I trashed them.  I also found treasured photos -- not trashed, but which stirred up a host of memories that I would have preferred to let lie.  The garage was finished on Friday evening; down to the wire as I had a dumpster until then. 

We took a little respite and celebrated getting through the house.  Tuesday, the movers came.  Although they did a phenomenal job in record time, I now had the task of figuring out where to put things.  Apparently, I hadn't thought that part out very well.  The garage is now filled with furniture that is going to consignment.  Or sold on Craigslist.  Whichever comes first.

The cleaning crew came Thursday and had the place sparkling in a mere 4 hours; record time in my book, considering there was a stove to clean.  Costly but worth it.  The carpet guy came on Friday and in two hours, the carpets looked -- almost new?  Certainly, much better than they had minus a little wear and tear.  After all, I was there three years with two semi-grown boys and a cat.

At this point, I feel overwhelmed!  I spent two days of break, feeling like a stranger in my new place.   I sat in my rocker and continue to do so for the majority of the day.  It is my refuge and place of comfort.  So glad I spent a whole $5.00 on it a few years back.   Change IS hard.  But, I believe this is a good move.  I am moving forward, not backward.  And in my book, that's always good!

It is Saturday and I have a few small errands to run, then I can rest.  Although I stopped at various times Thursday and Friday to remember Jesus and all He'd done, it wasn't as I would have liked.  I would have liked to have attended church services.  But I was busy...and tired. 

I think about all He has done for me.  Provided a roof over my head, given me the strength and courage I never knew was within me, helped me achieve the impossible -- surviving during some incredibly difficult times.  And all I had was a few minutes to think of Him and His sacrifices?  No, this is not the way I usually rock and roll, especially during Holy Week.  However, I know He forgives me as only He can do.

Today, is a quiet day.  It is the day before Resurrection Sunday.  It was a quiet day as well some two thousand years ago.  Think about Christ and His ultimate sacrifice.  Suffering on a cross -- not just for me, but for you and the rest of mankind.  God's ultimate plan for redemption.

If you haven't accepted Christ as your Savior, consider it.  He doesn't care what you've done...He will forgive you.  If you need someone to pray for you, reach out to me @LisaLehr1 via direct message.  I will pray for you and put you on a prayer list anonymously.  And yes, God hears our prayers.

So rest today and tomorrow,  remember -- Christ has Risen!  He has Risen, indeed!  May you all find peace and have a blessed Easter! 

As for spring break?  It's kind of overrated.  Summer's where it's at and there's only nine more weeks left until then!

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

As a child, we used to play a card game called "Bullshit!"  The object of the game is to try and bluff the other players.  If they think you are bluffing, they call "Bullshit!"  Well, that's the topic of today's post.

You see, a few weeks ago, my fiancé called "Bullshit!" on me.  As I was in my mode of seeking the "ultimate" diet, he said, "I thought you believed in this Oola stuff?"  I acknowledged I do, to which he said, "Then why don't you just do it?"  In other words, don't just talk about your goals but reach them.

Now, I must confess, his candor took me back, but it gave me much to think about; after all, it's true.  If I believe in Oola as much as I say I do, why am I struggling with this goal?  Just freakin' do it!  And so, I began with a renewed resolve.  It was hard to get back on program.  In fact, yesterday I observed that when I was 25 years old, it was so much easier to stick to a diet...why is it harder now?  Is my resolve less, now that I'm older?  Does it not matter if I am fat or thin?  The truth is, it is no longer about looking good so much as optimal health; being the very best physically that I can be.  Does it make it easier to say "no" to things I love?  Not really....but, I have something in place that I haven't had in a very long time -- an accountability partner.  Yes, my fiancé is now holding me accountable when I am feeling weak-willed.  AND he's calling "Bullshit!"

This past week-end was a huge struggle for me.  Friday night, we hit a favorite restaurant.  Oh, how I wanted a margarita but held strong.  Then, after dinner I suggested getting dessert at the local frozen yogurt place.  He looked me square and said, "because you didn't get the margarita, you want the frozen yogurt..."  Bullshit!  Yup, he called it -- knew me better than I knew myself.  So, I then suggested that we go home, have a sugar-free popsicle and watch a movie.

Now, some may think that his words were harsh.  They really weren't...they were honest.  I wanted a reward for not drinking the margarita -- and yes, tried to pick a reasonable substitute.  But the truth is, the frozen yogurt was not on my diet plan either.  I confessed to him that I felt because I had eaten out, I felt like I had blown my diet to which he said, no you didn't.  He was right.  I hadn't, but surely would have done so if we'd gone to the frozen yogurt place.

Pulling from my last blog on weight, I will share with you something.  I have lost 10 pounds.  Remember what I said about motivation?  When the problem is better, we think it's ok to indulge?
I'm calling "Bullshit!" on me for that one!  Truth is, I'm starting to look and feel better.  Is the larger goal of optimal health met?  Not until I'm 60 pounds lighter, in a normal BMI and my blood pressure medications are gone. 

Yesterday, we went out to breakfast and I had egg whites scrambled with turkey.  It was a disgusting looking mess, although in fact, was tasty.   What I really wanted was the coffee cake or banana chocolate chip pancakes.  However, my fiancé is supporting me on this one.  We talked at lunch and decided, if I am making this lifestyle change, my days of coffee cake are probably over.  I am, one of the unfortunate ones, who is 5'2" tall and medium framed and a genetic predisposition to holding weight along with a host of other health problems.  If I were 6' tall, my weight would be a non-issue.   Yet, if you look at my labs, I'm doing well -- especially given I'm 56 years old. 

And so, last night, I made it to bed without throwing away the hard work I've accomplished so far.  I love going to the movies and have learned that I don't have to have popcorn, even though the smell of it may drive me crazy.  I am content with a Diet Coke -- large, please!

I woke up this morning feeling strong again!  It felt good!  Sometimes, we need a push...tough love!  We all need someone to call "Bullshit!" on us every once in awhile, because let's face it....we will never call it on ourselves!

Pieces of the Past

I'm moving.  Going through the boxes in the garage and finding old pictures sets off sadness.  Sadness at thirty years of my life....wasted.  I am finding old overdraft notices from bank accounts when my then-husband was in Las Vegas -- "alone".  Who overdraws by over $4,000 per month?  At that, he was asking me to send him money as well.  My mind goes to so many places but at the end of the day, I will have to make peace with it all.  It was only the start of a very bad ending to a very bad marriage.

So how does one grasp this sort of information?  How do I wrap my mind around the fact that I allowed myself to be manipulated so easily.  It is terrifying!

I have nightmares about my marriage.  I have shared them with my counselor who says that I am having anxiety about moving.  That would be an understatement.  The other night, I looked at the lease, picked up all my clothes and left the house.  My counselor says that control is my trigger.  It is, what sets me off.  A lease, however, does not constitute control.  At the end of the day, the lease was rewritten and the move continues.

I didn't anticipate feeling like this by going through my possessions.  They are, after all, just things.  I look at pictures of myself and say, "Why?  Why on earth did you think you were fat, ugly and had a big nose?"  I was, in fact, very pretty.  It makes me sad that I spent years never seeing it.

I adore my kids.  However, I miss them terribly.  I find myself wondering my motivation for moving?  Am I missing something in my life?  I'm not sure.  I share my fears and doubts with my therapist.  He sees nothing wrong.  I'm normal given the trauma I've been through.

And so, there it is.  I'm normal but when I look at photos, I not only see the people but all the memories of that time.  I also wonder...what WAS I thinking?  Was I thinking?  I look at a Mother's Day photo.  I am smiling with my husband.  Yet I know the truth.  I bought my own gifts.  Six months pregnant and buying my own Mother's Day gifts.  It was not a happy Mother's Day.  It was, like so many other holidays, one of false smiles and hopes for happiness at some point down the road.

As I read my blog to my fiancé,  he reminds me of the joy my children brought me; that I need to be grateful.  He reassures me that I am magnificently gorgeous and that I have made a decision to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves and absolutely adores me. 

He is right.  My journey is really just beginning.  I tend to believe those pieces of the past can be used to make a cobblestone path toward a beautiful future; one filled with hope, healing and a brighter tomorrow!

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

"Put the fork down and back away from the cake!"  Words that played in my mind as I got halfway through a piece of birthday cake I was eating.  However, it certainly was a delicious cake and I am not one to say no to sweets.

So, if you're wondering why I haven't written much on this topic of late, it's because there hasn't been much to write.  I have been -ahem- derailed.  It started innocently enough.  I got through Halloween -- no problem.  But Thanksgiving began the downhill slide...it continued through Christmas and finally, up through family birthdays in February and March.  However, today I lift my glass of water proudly and say, I am back on track!

I have, however, learned a lot from this particular setback.   First of all, I cannot ever go back to eating anything  close to how I used to eat.  In other words, this program is for life.  I cannot have birthday cake and expect to keep off my weight.  Nor can I go to happy hour every Friday evening or if I do, it's for a Diet Coke.  You see, losing weight and eating unhealthy, fatty foods are diametrically opposed.  I kept thinking, I need to make this program work for me.  It does...but it's not just following it for 3 months and slowing down but following it for life by developing good, solid health habits! (I write as I sheepishly look down).

I also learned, no one is harder on ourselves than us.  I may have gained 10 lbs but no one knows it but me.  Not one person can tell.  I can because my clothes are tight and that is a BAD feeling.  I also learned a lot about commitment and motivation.  I continue to be committed but my motivation waned for awhile.  Yesterday, I read up on motivation.  In order to be successful on a weight loss program, you need to focus on the outcome not the problem.  If you focus on the problem, once it becomes a little more manageable (ie:  some weight lost) you will instantly shift gears, think the problem is solved, and regain weight.  Also, emotional eaters (you're looking at one) have a harder time of keeping weight off than others.

I also began to overthink...is this the right eating plan for me?  Is it healthy?  Maybe Weight Watchers is better?  What about Jenny Craig?  Oh, I'll just follow my own plan!   So what happens as a result of my overthinking?  It gets me into trouble every single time!  And so, four days ago, I went back on my weight loss program.  It's Take Shape for Life.  Low calorie but dense foods.  It don't know what it does exactly but after 5 days, you no longer crave sugar.  I have promised myself that another 20 pounds and I will become a health coach.  Talk about accountability!

Although Oola teaches positive self-talk, I really need to practice my "scripts" more.  When faced with real temptation (physically tired, hungry and emotionally spent), I need to just say two words, "no thanks!"   In the past, saying one word, "Sure!" was always easier but not getting me where I need to be.

And so, this is day 4.  Day 5 begins the fat burning process.   So far, I have lost 5 1/2 pounds of my holiday detour.  No doubt, significant water weight -- especially since I am drinking more of it!  I have looked at the BMI scale and I need to lose more weight than I thought to be "normal".  The number no longer scares me.  It is just a number.  As I continue this journey, I will be looking at not only the scale but the non-scale victories -- smaller sizes, compliments, loss of inches and a vacation at the beach in July to which I will buy a fabulous swimsuit in which to showcase my new figure.

So as I move forward (and for those who have struggled like myself) I ask you to join me.  I am definitely out of my comfort zone but then again, no one reaches their goals being comfortable...that's why they're goals.  We may have to stretch to reach them but they are not out of our reach.  So, these words are not just for you but for me too...hang in there, eat right and know that "no thanks" are the two most fabulous words in the English language!

Oola: Reviewing my Finances

And so, here it is....nearly a year since I filed for Chapter 13.  It has not been an easy road, nor did I expect it to be.  I am still paying on debt, just in a way that is more manageable.  I am no longer working three jobs.  However, in spite of the fact that the bankruptcy was due largely in part to my divorce and ex-husband's irresponsible ways, I am paying the price.  What do I mean by that? 

First of all, I have handed over all my freedoms regarding my financials to a trustee.  I am deemed, too irresponsible to pay my own bills so they do it for me.  Additionally, I should not work any second and certainly not third jobs or it will put me on an ugly treadmill of having to pay the trustee more and never being able to quit any of my jobs.  I lived up to my promise of working summer school last year, a commitment I made before the bankruptcy and ended up paying a lot more than I could afford back to them.  But for the fact I had a boyfriend, I would not have eaten.
I also give all of my tax refunds to them and let them know if I move to a place that is cheaper, presumably, so I can kick in more money.  I cannot afford my rent and my 3 bedroom townhome is empty save for me, so I will be moving and take the hit-- even if it increases my payment.  I also will not be getting married anytime soon, as it would drag my fiancé into a financial quagmire that I would not wish on anyone.

The good news is I checked my credit score the other day.  I am 705 through one credit bureau and 640 through another.  I was at ground zero last year when I filed bankruptcy.  Prior to the bankruptcy, I worked the three jobs, paid my bills (on time) for 2 years and never got more than a 620 on my credit score.  So, I have made some gains.  I also have a five year respite on my student loan payments, although they will be accumulating interest over this period.

At the end of the day, bankruptcy is not for everyone.  It is necessary for those who simply cannot get on their feet.  I am thankful there are bankruptcy laws to help those of us in a bind.  I am culpable in that, I made the assumption I would remain married and have help paying back any loans, credit cards, or any other financial decisions that were made during the course of my marriage.  I am also culpable in that I checked out of the marriage probably ten years prior and allowed my ex to manipulate me into financial decisions that were not in either of our best interests ie: huge student loans.  The last three years of our marriage, he had carte blanche over our finances, which is when everything went from bad to worse.

At the end of the day, I am responsible for my participation or lack thereof, in the financial portion of my life.  When I left, I had $4,000 in credit card debt; $2700 which was interest.  I did not use my credit cards much but certainly, take responsibility for where they ended up.  I had one nearly paid off and the other was to be paid off in summer.  However, I got hit with a $93,000 bill on our second mortgage.  That tipped the scale.  Between that and the student loans, I was nearly $300,000 in debt.

I am solely responsible for the student loans despite a court order otherwise telling my ex he has to pay half.  At this point, I hear he simply does not respond to their calls or letters.  He left me a four inch thick folder of bills -- an accumulation of months of juggling our finances.  What he did with over $300,000 a year of earnings, I have no idea; nor am I interested at this point.  After the divorce, I made decisions based on the best of my ability which included selling off all of my jewelry to pay bills, working three jobs and at the end of the day, filing for bankruptcy.

I am writing this to serve as a cautionary tale.  First of all, if you are in a bad marriage, get counseling so that you can keep your wits about you.  Except for getting through the day to day, I was not all there mentally.  Checking out is not the answer and in the end, can cause you far more damage than you realize.  Secondly, if you are left "holding the bag" do everything you can to get out of debt.  However, at the end of the day, do not kill yourself getting out of debt.  I was working myself into an early grave.  The stigma of bankruptcy is far less painful than dying at a young age.  Lastly, if bankruptcy is your only option, find a competent attorney.  I have one of the best and he did not charge me an arm and leg. 

This story is not pretty but it is reality.  It is my reality.  Don't let it be yours.