To My Life Mentor

Dear Life Mentor,

It seems impossible that I have known you over a year.  Not personally per se, but you have had enough of an influence in my life that I believe I need to write you.

As I read of your life's journey, I see a lot of similarities.  One of the biggest is brokenness.  After coming out of your divorce, you chose the road of getting your life back together; most likely because you didn't have a choice.  More importantly, was the speed with which you were able to do it.  It is because of your story and encouragement that I believe I would not be where I am today; you have made a profound difference in my life!

We became online buddies quite by accident.  It is through our communications that you made me believe there is life for people after divorce.  I don't think you know how significant that is!

One of the biggest things you taught me was how to have fun again.  I remember it was in the fall.   You told me to go rent a movie and watch it with my kids.  Oh, and have popcorn with M&M's in it.  Genius -- really!  I never thought something so simple (and inexpensive) could be so earth-shattering fun -- but it was!  Not only did I enjoy it but so did my kids.  It brought a sense of normalcy back to our home for the first time since the divorce.  By the way, vanilla yogurt raisins are far better than the M&M's.  Just thought you might want a "head's up."

When I was going through my first Thanksgiving, you checked in with me periodically and got me through that important day.  I enjoyed hearing bits and bobs about your holiday, which seemed to take my mind off of myself and that ever-difficult first holiday alone.  You taught me that building new traditions was the key to not just survival, but embracing life post-divorce. You were right.  

We came upon Christmas and we kept in touch a little; just enough to make it through the holiday.  I believe you suggested I go out to a movie.  I went to Walter Mitty with one of my boys.  That was a day that I was charged as a "senior" and I was beside myself, even though seniors are 50 years old in Nevada.  You laughed and said go get some popcorn with the savings.  Yes, that took the sting out.

I must confess,  you remind me of the baby brother I never had growing up.  I like that you have a certain wisdom of having lived.  You have experienced much in your young life.  You are spiritual, kind and despite your success, humble.  You have shown me how to have gratitude for all things in life; the good and the bad.  You have taught me that life is a journey.  You have showed me how to have balance in my life.  I am not there yet, but one day, I believe I will be.

As time passes, your success is skyrocketing.  I am in fact, happy for you.  Of course, that means our communication is winding down.   God put you in my life for a reason and most likely, just that season.   We may or may not ever cross paths but despite it all, you have been one of those people I deem as an "earthly" angel.  Through it all, you have taught me valuable lessons; the biggest ones were to go after your dreams and that nothing is impossible.

I doubt that I would have had the courage to write a book, were it not for you.  You have guided, counseled and lifted me up.  You have done so despite your time constraints and given of self without asking for anything in return.  That is truly a gift you have given to me.  One day, I hope to have the opportunity to pay it forward.

And so life mentor, know that in my heart, I am ever-thankful  That you have helped me in ways that are immeasurable and I praise God for putting you in my life during that ever difficult period.  As you continue your work, know that it has touched me to my core and served me well.  I am a different person because of you.

God bless you as you continue on your life journey,
Lisa

To My Ex

Dear Ex,

I am writing this as a means of learning who I am.  You were a very important person in my life.  I spent over half of it with you and so, I think you should know how I really feel about you.

We've been divorced for nearly a year and a half now.  Most women would be bitter.  I'm not.  I chose to forgive you for all that happened between us. 

I wish that you would have married me for the so-called "right" reasons.  I think you loved me as best you could, or at least, convinced yourself in some way that you loved me.  The truth is, I don't think you really loved me.  You loved yourself.  That is a hard truth to say and even harder to admit to myself.  You could not go beyond who you were or what your culture dictated in your head.  That's a dose of reality that has taken me a long time to understand.

We were young when we met.  Even in the beginning, we had a dysfunctional relationship.  How I did not see that, I don't know.  My best guess is that I strayed from God's will for my life.  I chose a man over God.  That is never a good thing.  He will always allow us free will and choice.  I made my choice and lived according to my will...a decision that would turn out very badly.   I will never do that again!

Not long into our marriage, I recognized it was not as it should be.  However, I did believe in marriage covenant, and hung in there.  Thirty one years is a long time, particularly when one realizes, there probably wasn't a covenant to begin with.  If nothing else, that taught me perseverance and tenacity.  Oh, and to study God's Word so you know exactly what something means, particularly when it has to do with Him.

You gave me some very valuable lessons.  First of all, never ever stray from God's perfect will for my life.  Pray for guidance.  Look to Him for all things including self-worth, love, peace and joy.  That is something you cannot get from another person.   Read the Bible for that is his handbook for this life.  Pray.  Forgive.  You weren't the only one to teach me about forgiveness but prayers for you were extremely difficult.  God taught me, through you, that I needed to pray anyhow -- whether I wanted to or not.  And if I really couldn't find the words, to ask others to pray for you.  For despite how our marriage ended, that was indeed God's will for my life in Christ Jesus.

I learned how to be more tolerant of others' beliefs.  You would probably say I was less tolerant but truly, quite the opposite.  I shared in your religion's holidays and wanted our children to learn as much about their father's heritage and beliefs as possible.   I also learned that it is not up to me to convert someone.  They have to come to Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit.   By the same token, I also learned that being married to a non-believer in the Christian tradition is extremely difficult.  I have found that the man has to be the spiritual leader of the household and that marriage is about giving to one another;  in the way Christ gave to the church. 

One of the more difficult things that has been hard to overcome is the years of emotional abuse and the scars of being with someone who does not tell the truth or chooses what they want above all things, including their family.  That has been my biggest challenge.  Some days, I want to understand how you could do the things you did but simply, cannot wrap my brain around it.  I can't say, "It's all good." because it's not.  I am still trying hard to not overthink things -- lack of trust will tend to make someone do that.  Sometimes, you just have to be.  Ps 46:10  Be still and know that I AM God.  Yes, one of my "go-to" verses.  Still relevant.

As the result of our marriage,  I find myself making lots of relationship mistakes and frankly, don't even know what a real relationship is.  I know that no man is perfect, that being a 50-something generally qualifies any of us to have a lot of baggage, and that no marriage is perfect, despite how it may look to others.  I know ours looked great to outsiders, as all of our friends and family were surprised at the divorce.  I do know our marriage has helped me determine what kind of man I would like in my life.  I am looking for someone who has a generous spirit and is a giver.  One who looks outside themselves and to God.  Now that is good stuff. 

I learned that being unhappy is not a perpetual state, as I believed it was; and in fact, God wants us to be happy.  After our divorce, I learned what freedom felt like for the first time in my life.  I was no longer in bondage.  It was as if the prison door had opened and I walked out into the sunshine for the first time in 31 years.  I'm sorry if that hurts.  However, think of it from my perspective;   I was never able to worship freely.  I could attend church but not take our children, even if they asked.  As time went on, I was castigated and made fun of -- God was made fun of -- your excuse?  You were joking.  I told you many times how blasphemous I felt you were.  Many would question the good in that, but that was probably practice toward my ability to speak up for my religious beliefs.  I found after the divorce that writing was a release and a gift from God.  That is something that has changed my life forever.

Lastly, I want to thank you for our four beautiful children.  Each one shares qualities from each of us.  Our marriage taught me to be grateful -- our four children have each been a joy and blessing; and now our grandchildren, as the family continues to grow beyond us.

Be well -- may you have the peace in your life that I have found.  Bless others as you have been blessed.  And always remember, God is good.


In Him,
Lisa

Love Letters: The Series

The next few posts will be letters dedicated to some of the most important people in my life.  I have chosen to do this series for several reasons. 

First of all, I want to know who I am.  This includes looking at not just my past but my present.  How has each person impacted my life?  Good, bad or otherwise.

Additionally, this is not being done as a means to embarrass anyone -- rather, I hope that they will learn how important they were/are to me.  Even the bad things were important, as they taught me some very valuable life lessons.

Last, I believe this is a step toward my own healing.  Although very introspective and personal, I hope that it will inspire others to write to those who have impacted their lives.  

As I continue this personal journey to learn who I am and become the person I want to be, I pray that you will likewise seek to join me. 

Most of all, give it all over to God for He is truly my inspiration.

Dem bones, dem bones...

Look at this picture carefully...what do you see?  I see myself.  It is those skeletons that I thought I had gotten rid of --  here they are -- waiting for me...rearing their ugly heads.

You know, it is impossible to change your past.  Nothing will change it.  But I believe we can change ourselves and our future.  Yet, at the most inopportune times, those skeletons I thought I had emptied out of my closet, are back.

Here's a great example.  Last night, I had an amazing day with someone I dearly love; one who treats me like a queen.  Frankly, I'm not used to that; I'm the giver, not the receiver.  And so,  I asked a question -- one that, I don't even know where it came from, except my own insecurities.  My past.  It was a ridiculous question, and yet, it rolled off my tongue -- not just because of my past but because of what my past has done to me.   You see, I don't feel deserving of such incredible treatment or of someone loving me back so completely. 

I felt incredibly bad at the time but the "I'm sorry" just wouldn't come...I did not want more of "dem bones" to fall out of the closet -- the mess was already there.  I'd done the damage. 

I woke up this morning with an apology; knowing not only that I owed one but also knowing, it was not enough.  The incident shouldn't have happened in the first place.  There are some days I am so together and others, I'm a mess.  So how does one get rid of those ugly scars that tear at their mind and heart?

First, I believe that like all things, it takes time for the healing to take place.  It takes patience, and yes, even reassurance from the one I've hurt.  They may read where I've come from on my blog, but they haven't been there.  It's a lonely place...a dark place.  It's my own "special" place.  I guess in a way, the familiarity of it is comfortable.  A good analogy would be getting out in the light after having been in the dark for years.  You have to squint and allow your eyes to adjust.  And so, having been in that kind of darkness, it will likewise take a long time for my eyes to fully allow the light to come in. 

Secondly, I have to quit dragging those skeletons around with me. I feel like they are chains, and they are dragging me down.  Some days are very hard.  It is because of my skeletons that I don't mind going to work or writing.  I don't like to be alone or quiet or in what I deem a state of perfection for very long.  It is when I am in a place of comfort that they can do a number on me.  Last night was a prime example.  Amazing day and evening.  Sure enough, they come tumbling out of the recesses of my mind.

Last, I have to learn to trust again.  Ah yes, the ever-elusive concept of trust.  It is something that is hard to do after you have been burned badly.  Imagine this; it's sort of like putting your hand on a cold stove after someone held it down on a hot one for a very long time.  You are scared you will be burned again.  And so, you touch it tentatively, fully expecting to be burned.  But it's not happening.  So, you put more of your hand on it, and more, until you realize that it was cold all along.  That's hard.  Having faith that no one lied to you and told you the stove was off when all along, it was on?  It takes faith -- trust in God and trust in fellow humans.  I'm okay with God; it's everyone else, I struggle with...and truth be told, I'm sure they struggle with me.

I guess the reality is that, just like visible wounds, emotional wounds take time to heal.  There is a scab.  A scab doesn't hurt unless you keep picking at it.  I need to stop picking at my scab and let it heal, once and for all.   I need to believe that no two people are the same and every relationship is different.  I need to get off the "I don't want to be hurt and therefore, will sabotage myself before it happens" bandwagon.

I pray that the individual I questioned will forgive me; that this person understands me enough to know that I am not a spiteful or hurtful or a deranged individual.  Rather, that I am human and that, I'm fallible to not just my mind but to my past as well; at least, for the time being.  My journey is not just one based on faith; it is also necessary to have the love of friends and family.  My entire core being has to be leveled and rebuilt.  I am using Scripture and love to rebuild myself.  In time, I will no longer be the shattered person I am now; put together with some super glue and having a lot of rough edges.  Right now, I continue to be a work in progress.  It will take time, but I believe that in the end, I will be whole again.  A trusting person who is able to receive love freely; subject only to the present, and that my past will no longer have a place in my life -- even if it is relegated to the closet.

Happy Father's Day and More...

For those of you that don't know, I have been a contributing author to "Open to Hope"--a grief website.  The following are articles I have written ...one of which is for Father's Day.    To all of you who are Dad's and Grandpa's may you have a blessed day!  For those whose fathers have passed away, this is for you...may it inspire you to think about how your father helped shape your life and make you into the person you are today.

http://www.opentohope.com/author/lisak58/

The Dark Night of the Soul

 

Yesterday, a Twitter acquaintance reminded me of an experience I had many years ago.  It is called "The Dark Night of the Soul".  Sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo but really, it is a force to be reckoned with.    I was living in Kuwait at the time and in a state of utter confusion about my faith.  Living in an Islamic society will do that to a Christian.  It is a constant spiritual battle.

So what precipitated this?   I asked God a question.  You know, never ask God something you don't want to know because He will answer you.  And often times, not in a way you might expect.  He is, after all, the Almighty; and His ways are not our ways.

The Dark Night of the Soul is defined as, "A term of Western mystical theology. According to the classical exposition of John of the Cross, the dark night is the stage in which the soul is purified in preparation for union with God." (Bowker, John)  In theory, it sounds great.  In reality, it is a very dark period and you feel a complete blackness in your soul.  It is as if God has abandoned you.

At the time that I experienced it, I did not know what was happening.  It was scary and lasted several years.   Let me say that again...years!  I am sure you are wondering, "What in the world was my question to send me into such a spiritual free fall?"  I asked God for one simple thing; to show me the Truth.

I had gone to a Bible study that day, and it had taken an ugly turn.  The facilitator was asking for people to confess their sins before others.   To sit in the center of a circle and tell all.  I personally, was not comfortable with that, and wanted to leave -- badly!  So, I prayed a quick prayer asking God to get me out of there.  As if on cue, my phone rang.  My sister-in-law asked me to bring some bread to dinner.  No problem!  And, "Thank you, God!"  I explained I had a "family emergency" and left.

When I got to my car, I was profoundly confused because I did not feel that what had occurred was of God.  It felt very dark.  I was also on the fence about Christianity versus Islam.  What was the Truth?  And so, I asked God to show me. 

Oddly enough, He did -- at that very moment.  I had a vision.  All I remember is scenes from the Bible.  As bizarre as it seems, I had sort of a split screen for my field of vision; the top part was the vision, while the bottom part was the world.  I could  drive and continue doing my day-to-day, which was difficult with this going on.  I know it sounds bizarre -- even crazy.  I went to Penney's in hopes of trying to feel normal.  I didn't.  I was scared; and yet, God was doing exactly what I prayed for -- "show me the Truth".  The last thing I remember is the Last Supper.  After that, there was nothing else.  My question was never answered.  Did Christ really die for us on the cross?   At the end of this vision, I heard a voice telling me to return to the United States.  Although I vacationed there that year, I was unable to stay due to my husband's insistence that I return.  And so, I chose man over God; never good.

The vision was just the beginning.  Once I returned to Kuwait, I felt a blackness in my soul. I knew I had disobeyed God.  I experienced depression.  My usual feeling of the Holy Spirit or a Light within me, was gone.  Hell is often described as being cut off from God.  I very much felt in a spiritual sense that I was; this was my own Hell.

Upon my actual return to the United States in 1997, I attended church regularly.  I prayed constantly for God's presence to be felt.  Nothing.  I am here to tell you, that is the scariest and most empty feeling ever.  I didn't know what I was experiencing but felt like God was mad at me or abandoning me.   Had I overstepped my bounds?  Was my question too much?  In retrospect, I think it was the fact that I disobeyed God rather than asked God to show me the Truth.  Maybe it was a combination of both.  The truth is, it doesn't matter.  What only matters is it happened, and I am here to testify that it does indeed exist.

I continued to seek God.  The bottom line is my faith was eventually renewed.  The Light within me returned -- but slowly.   I know that what happened at that Bible study in Kuwait that day was not, in my opinion, a "normal" Christian experience.  I also know the vision I had afterwards was God's way of saying, "You decide the Truth".  Eventually, I did sort my way through it, but it was not easy and took a tremendous amount of patience.  I read books on both the Christian and Islamic faith.  It was a journey; one filled with obstacles and times of pure physical and mental endurance.  I had to actively seek the answers.  God was not going to hand it to me.

I have done some reading on the Dark Night of the Soul.  It appears that it is a spiritual experience wherein one either comes out of it a stronger Christian or an atheist.  Thankfully, I came out of it as a Christian.  I don't know that every Christian has to go through this.  I know I would never want to go through it again.  There is nothing more lonely than not feeling the presence of God.

Yet, I believe God was there -- overseeing this experience from afar.  He did not leave me alone other than to allow me to discover, whether or not Christ died for us on the cross.  My answer?  Yes, He did.  And so today, I am a stronger Christian than ever before.  It has taken me years to get here; it wasn't just that experience but a culmination of life experiences that have brought me here to a place of peace and joy.   I feel the Holy Spirit working in me and Jesus is the cornerstone in the foundation of my life.



One of the most interesting things about this experience was that it happened in 1996.  I did not know anything about the Dark Night of the Soul until I recounted this vision in 2011 to my son-in-law's father, who works in the church.  As soon as he heard me describe it, he told me what I had gone through.  It was reassuring to hear a rational person tell me this.  I was not crazy or having a nervous breakdown or many other things that I heard told to me over the years when I recounted that day.  No, I was in a spiritual battle. 

I know many will read this and say, "Wow, that lady's crazy!"  That's okay.  I speak from the heart.  I know I'm not alone and there are others who need to hear this story; Immanuel is indeed here. God is with us.  And for those of you feeling cut off from God?  My advice is this; surround yourself with other Christians, read the Bible and pray.  This is a test of sorts; and just like all tests, you need to study for it.  You will pass, but you need to take responsibility for knowing and understanding the material that is presented.

The good news is, You are clay in the Potter's hands right now.  Let Him mold you -- refine you -- do what it takes to make you a better Christian.  Most of all, have patience.  You will get through this -- and when you do?   Pay it forward by sharing your experience.  God has a purpose for your life.  Live it!

Milestones

 I remember as a teenager listening to Alice Cooper's song "School's Out for the Summer".  Summer was definitely around the corner when the DJ's played that on the radio.   Who knew some 40 years later, I would be an educator in my own right.  Today as I walked through various classrooms, I noticed the bare walls.  A bit of sadness came over me.  Another year is over. 

I moved to high school after 3 1/2 years as a teacher in a self-contained room where I taught students with autism in grades 3-5.  It was no small feat, and I was definitely in my "groove".  Yet, I felt God calling me to a new place.  I accepted the challenge, and it was not easy.  Definitely, another baptism by fire!  However, as with all things, God opened a door and I walked through it.  And it was fine.  Some days were harder than others; yet, I was able to withstand the complexity and turmoil.  If you asked me what all I did this year that was different than in years past, I would tell you; everything!  Yet, God made it possible. 

Cross references:

1. Matthew 19:26 : Ge 18:14; Job 42:2; Jer 32:17; Lk 1:37; 18:27; Ro 4:21

"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible."  Matthew 19:26  (NIV)

One thing we are taught as educators is to reflect.  Reflect on your lessons, your student interaction, your day.   At times, it can become overwhelming and almost a compulsive habit.  Today, I am reflecting on my school year.  I'm thinking about it all; the lessons, the students, the days that have passed.

It has been a good year in many ways.  I have watched children grow, learn and graduate.  It feels amazing to see a child with special needs get that diploma.  They have earned it!  I know that it was not easy for them because as a special educator, I have at times hit road blocks in my trying to advocate for them.  Despite those times, I will always find my voice -- for them.

 As they grow older, we teach them to advocate more and more for themselves.   High school is one step away from adulthood and the "real world".  This is a crucial time for them to understand that projects must be completed; that they should work to get along with peers and teachers.  Life is not always very kind; in fact, it can be downright cruel.  In the "real world", if they choose not to do something a boss has asked them to do, they will most likely be fired.  It is something we stress.  Many understand; others, just don't quite get it.  They will one day, though.  They will learn through life's experience.  You can't always shelter children from that.

I have worked with students from grades 9-12 and even beyond.  Each one is different.  Each one has their own set of special circumstances.  Each year, the school year begins with expectations; hopes to teach them something new.  This year is the first time I saw incredible growth in the students I worked with.   It is a nice change, and one that fills my heart with joy.

As I look around my room one last time, I see the boxes that are packed in anticipation to a move to a new classroom.  I stare at the bare walls.  I listen to the stillness and quiet.  It is an empty place -- one that was so full of life just a few days ago.   I close my classroom door with a little more knowledge myself.  It's the knowledge that all  my students are special; whether they have special needs or not.  I think it is safe to say that we have all grown this year; whether it was through writing lessons or some other experience; a "life" experience.  I leave the building with the satisfaction of knowing that I have helped many children take steps toward that milestone called adulthood.  It is an incredible feeling -- and one that will linger in the coming days!