Look at this picture carefully...what do you see? I see myself. It is those skeletons that I thought I had gotten rid of -- here they are -- waiting for me...rearing their ugly heads.
You know, it is impossible to change your past. Nothing will change it. But I believe we can change ourselves and our future. Yet, at the most inopportune times, those skeletons I thought I had emptied out of my closet, are back.
Here's a great example. Last night, I had an amazing day with someone I dearly love; one who treats me like a queen. Frankly, I'm not used to that; I'm the giver, not the receiver. And so, I asked a question -- one that, I don't even know where it came from, except my own insecurities. My past. It was a ridiculous question, and yet, it rolled off my tongue -- not just because of my past but because of what my past has done to me. You see, I don't feel deserving of such incredible treatment or of someone loving me back so completely.
I felt incredibly bad at the time but the "I'm sorry" just wouldn't come...I did not want more of "dem bones" to fall out of the closet -- the mess was already there. I'd done the damage.
I woke up this morning with an apology; knowing not only that I owed one but also knowing, it was not enough. The incident shouldn't have happened in the first place. There are some days I am so together and others, I'm a mess. So how does one get rid of those ugly scars that tear at their mind and heart?
First, I believe that like all things, it takes time for the healing to take place. It takes patience, and yes, even reassurance from the one I've hurt. They may read where I've come from on my blog, but they haven't been there. It's a lonely place...a dark place. It's my own "special" place. I guess in a way, the familiarity of it is comfortable. A good analogy would be getting out in the light after having been in the dark for years. You have to squint and allow your eyes to adjust. And so, having been in that kind of darkness, it will likewise take a long time for my eyes to fully allow the light to come in.
Secondly, I have to quit dragging those skeletons around with me. I feel like they are chains, and they are dragging me down. Some days are very hard. It is because of my skeletons that I don't mind going to work or writing. I don't like to be alone or quiet or in what I deem a state of perfection for very long. It is when I am in a place of comfort that they can do a number on me. Last night was a prime example. Amazing day and evening. Sure enough, they come tumbling out of the recesses of my mind.
Last, I have to learn to trust again. Ah yes, the ever-elusive concept of trust. It is something that is hard to do after you have been burned badly. Imagine this; it's sort of like putting your hand on a cold stove after someone held it down on a hot one for a very long time. You are scared you will be burned again. And so, you touch it tentatively, fully expecting to be burned. But it's not happening. So, you put more of your hand on it, and more, until you realize that it was cold all along. That's hard. Having faith that no one lied to you and told you the stove was off when all along, it was on? It takes faith -- trust in God and trust in fellow humans. I'm okay with God; it's everyone else, I struggle with...and truth be told, I'm sure they struggle with me.
I guess the reality is that, just like visible wounds, emotional wounds take time to heal. There is a scab. A scab doesn't hurt unless you keep picking at it. I need to stop picking at my scab and let it heal, once and for all. I need to believe that no two people are the same and every relationship is different. I need to get off the "I don't want to be hurt and therefore, will sabotage myself before it happens" bandwagon.
I pray that the individual I questioned will forgive me; that this person understands me enough to know that I am not a spiteful or hurtful or a deranged individual. Rather, that I am human and that, I'm fallible to not just my mind but to my past as well; at least, for the time being. My journey is not just one based on faith; it is also necessary to have the love of friends and family. My entire core being has to be leveled and rebuilt. I am using Scripture and love to rebuild myself. In time, I will no longer be the shattered person I am now; put together with some super glue and having a lot of rough edges. Right now, I continue to be a work in progress. It will take time, but I believe that in the end, I will be whole again. A trusting person who is able to receive love freely; subject only to the present, and that my past will no longer have a place in my life -- even if it is relegated to the closet.
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