My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Tonight I heard some pretty devastating news.  Someone I know died due to complications of gastric bypass surgery.  A perfectly beautiful woman with an incredibly Godly spirit.  It did not have to happen.  She was my age -- maybe even a few years younger.

I write this because society is obsessed with thin.  Not just our society, either.  Popular culture equates beauty with seeing ones' collarbones protrude from a shirt or hip bones hanging out of a bikini.  I know this because that is what I used to equate with beautiful.  The thinner, the better.  That is how I was raised; that is what I believed.  I grew up in the 1960's. Twiggy was the marker for beauty.  Straight hair and skinny.  Then came Christie Brinkley  and the supermodels of the 1970's -- more straight hair and again, skinny.  By the time the 1980's rolled around, I'd had two decades of straight hair and skinny.  Imagine being a curly headed, slightly zaftig, 20-something -- a "poster child" for Janis Ian's song, "At Seventeen".

Fast forward some thirty years.  My views began to change ever so slightly.  It began last fall.  My youngest daughter had given birth a couple of months prior to my visit.  Although she was heavier than pre-pregnancy, I thought she looked beautiful.  I thought back to my post-pregnancy days and how unhappy I was...I felt fat.  I didn't see my body as beautiful, but rather as something that needed to get back into shape as soon as possible.  Her lack of concern was a stark contrast to my post-pregnancy obsession. I didn't understand it -- and yet, I admired it.   And it got me thinking.  Tonight, I'm thinking again --there must be a happy medium between anorexia and morbid obesity!  So what is that happy medium?  And how can one find it?

I still struggle with weight issues.  It doesn't matter what my scale says -- it is never enough.  When I lost 40 pounds last year, I could not push past it.  It didn't matter how little I ate, my scale stayed at the same spot.   Is it possible our bodies are designed to be a certain weight within our DNA -- something that is not possible to push past without even more extreme exercise or diet?  I lost the 40 pounds by eating between 700 and 1000 calories a day.  It was a no-win situation.  Yet, I didn't care at the time.  In my heart, I knew I would gain back the weight and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I haven't figured out the magic number on the scale,  the formula for weight loss for my body or keeping it off.   Menopause has only served to fuel that fire and my insecurities.  I have a very supportive friend who just says, you are who you are.  Exercise and eat right.  Perhaps he has the right idea.  Maybe in a few years, there'll be a famine and my extra pounds will serve me well? 

As I mull this over, I pray for the family of this beautiful woman.  Although I don't know them, I am certain they are feeling the loss.  Yet, I am confident she is enjoying the beauty of heaven.  The size of her body no longer matters -- she is at peace.  She is with God.

"But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Summer School Reflections

Summer school is coming to a close.  It's 20 days with students we don't know.  You do baseline testing part of the first week, work with the students for 15 days or so, then test again to see if they have maintained or I suppose, possibly even improved a little.  I'm not an administrator -- all I know is that is the drill.  From my viewpoint, you barely know the kids when they come to school and you are just getting to know them when they leave.  They are there a short time, yet they still tug at my heart.  Each child is unique and even in that short period of time, there is a certain bond you develop with them.  They come into a new school, are given a new teacher and have no idea what to expect.  From a teacher's point of view, it's sort of the same for us.  The difference is, children with autism have difficulty adapting to change; it is incredibly hard for them to develop a new routine.  By the end of the session, a certain amount of trust has been formed.  You can usually tell because the kids are happy to come to school and sad to leave.  The students who are non-verbal reach for your hand.

The other night I wrote out progress reports for my group of fourth and fifth grade students.  All have autism; several have a comorbidity with other health issues.  As I looked them over, I felt that much had been accomplished in our very short period of time together.  In fact, it touched my heart to see the gains.

I don't talk about this to boast for truly, this is all about bringing glory to Him.  How else can one explain the gains that were made by these students in such an incredibly short period of time.  Believe me, although I am a good teacher -- I am not a teacher that could possibly cause these things to happen in 20 days.  It is all about Him.  Truly these are His miracles.

One of the first things we do before summer school is read a student's individualized education plan (IEP)  and tailor learning to their needs.  Most have reading, writing, math and social/behavioral goals.  Our goal is to maintain what they have learned throughout the school year.  This is no small task, as many teachers mark all of their goals for summer school; and students with autism have a good six to eight goals on their IEP's.  Multiply that by the number of students you have and well, it's a lot of goals! So, in order to remember them, I write down the goals that I am focusing on lest I confuse the students and the goals; easy to do. 

As I reviewed the IEP goals while writing their progress reports, I noticed that I had students writing -- real essays for the first time! They were using graphic organizers to brainstorm and write their thoughts down.  Those children with behaviors -- those behaviors had decreased tremendously.  A behavior mentor commented to me that one child I had would not touch Play-Doh, something that would help her keep her hands to herself.  Hmmm, she not only played with Play-Doh in my class but Silly Putty as well, which she really loved!  Some students could only stay on task for 5 minutes prior to coming to my classroom.   They now stay on task for 15-20 minutes.  Rarely, do I ever see such progress in a school year, let alone 20 days!   As I went into my classroom this past week, I noticed friendships being formed.  Again, children with autism enjoy solitary play; so to watch them have conversations, share food and toys and help one another is incredibly gratifying.   This is something that sometimes takes years to happen; yet, my students were actually to engaged in "real" conversation.  Not just the prescribed 2-3 exchanges but an entire conversation about a video game or story they had written.

This summer did not come without its price for me.  I was hit, kicked, spit on, pinched, scratched until I bled, clothes pulled on until they were nearly torn and several attempts were made to bite me.  Fortunately, having worked with children with autism, I do have extremely quick reflexes and was able to avoid being bitten.  People are amazed that I am able to do what I do and remain calm and professional.  Granted, from a physical standpoint, this was a rough summer.  I am 54 years old and come home mentally and physically exhausted.  I usually take a power nap.  But then, I see how far these children have come.  And frankly, so few people are willing to go into this line of work.  I often hear, "How do you do it?"  The truth is this is not a profession for the faint of heart.  But also, I come from a different perspective. The question isn't "How do I do it?" but rather, "Why do I do it?" I believe that God uses me in my classroom.  I always pray before I start my day, that it would not only be a good day but that God would be there with me; guiding my instruction and giving me the patience and knowledge that I need.

 I have since moved on to working with high school students primarily with learning disabilities only because I believe that at age 54, I am unable to handle the physical toll that this job can indeed mete out on a teacher.  However, I still work with children with all disabilities including autism, as they do come through my classroom periodically. I will continue (as long as the district allows me) to work with this very special group of children during the summer.  They are some of God's most precious gifts.  As with any gift, we just need to be accepting and allow God to bless us through them.  And through Him, offer up our gifts and talents to likewise be a blessing. 

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16 (ESV)

The Armor of God

Today is a day where it is hard to muddle through.  I had a migraine today, precipitated by several life events.  Unexpected events that just -- well, did not take me completely by surprise but certainly, should've happened long before now.

I have often thought of closing down this blog because, well, I wonder how much is too much?  Do people really want to know what's happening in my personal life?  Yet, I hear God telling me to press forward.  I don't know why...the process is painful and yet, if it will help others, I have always been willing to do it.  I have been filled with self-doubt this past month.  It is, I'm certain, a spiritual war. 

Many believers and non-believers alike do not believe in spiritual warfare.  Yet, we do live in a spiritual world.  God reigns but don't be fooled; Satan also exists.  You cannot have light without darkness.  Make no mistake, there is darkness in this world.  These are just a few verses but the Bible is full of them.  Just do an Internet search on what the Bible says about spiritual warfare. 

1 Peter 5:8 says,  "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (ESV)

James 4:7 says,  "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (ESV)

Luke 10:19 says,  "Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you." (ESV)

2 Corinthians 11:14 says, "And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." (ESV)

Today is hard.  Last night, I went through a completely abusive situation with my ex-husband.  I was lambasted in ways I couldn't even comprehend.  I was not just shocked and appalled by his words because they were cutting and he knew exactly which buttons to push  (as 31 years will do that), but also, they made me sick.  He spoke to me like I was his property; chattel.  Who is this person I was married to for 31 years?  I knew he had the propensity for being cruel and my God-given discernment told me to stay because our children were young and it would get ugly.   He had threatened to take them overseas.  So, I stayed -- knowing the potential for a severe backlash was inevitable.  Surprisingly, it didn't come that first year and a half of our divorce.  But it is coming now; and it is harsh.  I have been crying ever since.

I'm not sure what to say to someone who tells me I broke up our family?  I'm not sure how to take being called horrific names because I choose to move on with my life?   I'm not sure how to process someone so cruel?  It makes me sad that he is so broken.  Even more important, that he is still able to break me.  Despite my beliefs, he can still hurt me in unimaginable ways.  It scares me that I am still so vulnerable to him.   He is working hard to build family alliances among our family.  It is the way it is done in his culture.  I just didn't think he would be successful.  However, he is a cunning fellow and quite the manipulator.  I find myself asking God, "Why are you allowing this?  I can't be strong anymore!"  And yet, I am.  I am on my knees but I am still upright -- that is all that matters.

I am working hard to be the example and live according to His will; yet, Satan is coming at me with both barrels. And at times, I am far from the perfect Christian.  I fall short when I am called terrible things and sucked into this vortex of evil.   This is indeed a spiritual battle.  For Satan is the great deceiver and yes, allows evil to creep into the hearts of others.  Purely for his delight, I might add.  The closer my book gets to publication, the greater the battle.  It is time for me to do what I need to do; that is,  put on the full armor of God.     
               

The Armor of God

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.  Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

I prayed for my ex last night.  I prayed for me -- for a hedge of protection.  God has been telling me to leave for awhile.  I have one more year to be vested in my pension at work, then I will go.  To where, I have no idea.  I am completely open to His leading.  I need a place of solitude and quiet respite.  Where I can find "Lisa" again, and feel completely free.

Am I running away?  Perhaps.  I like to think I'm running toward something.  I do know that without God's armor, I have no protection against these spiritual battles.  Although they ensue daily, we often resign ourselves to the belief that this is how life is and has to be -- it's not.  God has a perfect plan for our life.  We will, periodically, encounter trials for that is how we grow as Christians.  But a battle of this size?  It is, in my eyes, of epic proportion.  I am one person -- yet, I have a God who walks with me and sends angels to watch over me.  He is in the midst of this battle.  Know what?  I know Who's going to win!  As you walk through these spiritual battles, stay strong.  Put on the armor of God.  Look at that picture and really focus on God's Truth.  Those are Satan's arrows coming at you; lies and half-truths; deception.  We have the power to fight them off; but are we willing to do what it takes?  Friends, stay in the Word, pray with fellow Christians and listen for God's leading in all areas of our lives.  If we do all these things will it work?  The truth? Satan may win the battle but in the end, God will win the war.  He is our hope and healing.  Have faith in Him.

Hope and Healing

Yesterday on Facebook, I found a great article that explains emotional abuse.  You see, I thought emotional abuse entailed someone constantly yelling at you.  It isn't.  It is far more insidious than that.  It also damages a person's psyche as much, if not more, than physical abuse.  I am attaching the link for the article because I believe that it's important to get the information out there. I was surprised when my counselor told me I had suffered emotional abuse.  Yet, when I read the article, I see I was a victim of it.  And yes, it leaves deep scars.    If you are in such a relationship, please seek professional help.  May this article bless all who read it.

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalAbuse.html

The Perfect Moment

I'm rocking in my garage sale bargain -- an old mauve rocker I picked up for five bucks.  Yeah, it's tattered and somewhat rickety but it filled a space in my home that really needed a rocker.   I was looking for a rocker when I found this at my neighbor's house -- at a garage sale, right across the street.  You see, that's an example of God's provision.  Instead of spending money I didn't have, I found something within my budget.  Granted, it isn't leather but just because it's old doesn't take away from the fact that I love to sit and gently rock back and forth.  It's something I've always loved to do -- even as a child.  Tonight especially -- it is soothing to my spirit.

Tonight's a near-perfect night.  As I rock, I hear the crickets outside, signaling that summer is coming to a close.  I love that sound.  It reminds me that fall is coming.  I love the change of seasons.  Okay, well Las Vegas doesn't have a change of seasons except for hot, hotter, hottest and, thank God that's over with!  But you can find the occasional tree with leaves that go from green to red to orange to burnished gold and finally, brown.

I love listening to the near-silence of the outdoors, pierced only by the sounds of nature.  It is restful to me; and I need to rest.  This week was rough.  I am tired and worn out.  We are in the hottest season and frankly, working all the time is wearing thin.  I'm a little burned out; pardon the pun.

It's not my students...it's life.  My personal life has taken a hard hit.  I was looking forward to this week-end.  I needed solitude and solace.  Instead, I was hit with turmoil from out of nowhere.  It is hard to have to take the punches that others' throw at you; and yet, I've bobbed and weaved a lot these past couple of years.  I think my opponent got the better of me and knocked me out -- I didn't even see that right hook coming!

Granted, I'm talking in metaphors but the truth is, sometimes our soul is weary.  It needs quiet.  It needs a gentle reminder from God that all is right with the world.  Tonight is that reminder.

As I get ready to head upstairs and sleep, I am thankful that God is ever- present.  I know He will take care of me.  I will sleep better knowing He's there.

So as you sleep tonight, may you close your eyes and settle into a peace that surpasses all understanding.  May God send you angels to watch over you.  Prayers as you sleep, for tomorrow is a new day.  Be grateful for today and all He gives.

Close your eyes and rest well, knowing He is with you.  As you do, give a listen to the song below.  It has helped me through many difficult times and reminds me of His promises.

http://youtu.be/Q4Af1zhUPxs

The Bucket List

I did it -- the social experiment of a lifetime; I joined a dating website.  The bigger question is, "Why did I sign up?"  I promised myself, my sister and my children  that I never would.  Yet, I did so.  Was I desperate?  Not really.  I was happy to be alone.  Was I looking for the love of my life?  Again, no.  Far too soon after my divorce to want to be in a heavy relationship.  What did I think I would gain?  I figured at best, I would meet someone to call to go out for coffee or go check out the latest movie; a friend, confidante and/or someone to just "hang with".  I ended up with way more than I bargained for. 

My whole reason for signing on with a dating website was that it was on my bucket list.  Yes, I decided I would get out of my comfort zone.  That's it.  I've heard of friends of friends who had done it, found the man of their dreams, married and lived happily ever after.  It's not gone quite that smoothly for me. I've pretty much decided that either those folks were extremely lucky or they went through so many profiles that eventually they found someone; sort of like looking for a needle in a haystack.   I personally, do not have that particular drive.  Several dates later, I find that is just not the case. 

First and foremost, I waited until I could hear the word "date" and not feel like throwing up before even thinking of signing on.  That finally happened in January of this year.  Yes, I thought perhaps I was indeed ready to date.  And I did go on several dates.  The problem is, many men are looking for more than conversation and coffee.  And therein lies the problem; conflict between their views and mine.  Or they want the perfect look, body, whatever.  I am 54 years old.  Perfect doesn't exist in my world.  In fact, it never did.  I have many fine qualities, but I am not loaded up with silicone or botox.  I happen to think that's a plus -- but apparently not in the LVNV!

So ladies, just in case you are thinking of getting on a dating site, let me just offer you a little food for thought.  First of all, if it sounds too good to be true, it is.  Rarely, does a man fall hard for a woman just by a picture.  Any picture that looks like it was done in front of a green screen is probably not legit.   If a man says he's a widower and asks for your e-mail and phone number, beware.  I'm not sure what is the connection but apparently, it's a bad sign.  Do not talk via instant messenger only.  You need a real phone conversation prior to meeting.  Much can be gleaned from hearing how a person speaks.  If it is a long distance relationship, be sure to Skype to make sure you are not involved in a catfishing scam.  Don't be afraid to tell a man you are going to run a background check and that you are going to need a picture of his driver's license.  Yes, it sounds like a lot.  However, just go on your registered sex offender website and see how many "normal" looking men are on there.  It's a little frightening, actually.

When meeting someone, be sure to do so in a public place.  Let someone know who you are with.  Either text them his driver's license or print off the profile from the website.  And make sure the gentleman you are with knows that your friends have this information.  This is for your own protection.  Yes, we live in a very scary world.

Having said all that and at the risk of sounding like your mother, I will say this.  I think there are some really genuine men out there.  And the men who are, will patiently put up with your demands.  Most men, particularly in my age group, have their fair share of baggage.  Let's be honest; we all do.  It's a matter of what you can or cannot live with.  I know people who have been married over my "two time" limit and found that the third, fourth or even fifth time's the charm.  I still believe in love and all that goes with it.  God made us as people who desire to be in relationships.  However, I personally, do not find I have to be in one to be happy.  It is okay to be single and hang out with girlfriends.

Will I continue looking on the Internet for that one true love?  I'm on the fence.  One part of me says, "Sure, why not?"  The other part of me says, "Are you serious?"  Yet, I live in Las Vegas, don't do clubs or bars, which makes it really hard to meet people of the opposite sex.  I'm not sure how this "social experiment" will end.  I do know that if I put God first, everything else will fall very nicely into place. 

To My Mom

Dear Mom,

Today is one of those days.  It is a day I need you.  You would give me sound advice and make me laugh.  This is one of the things I miss most about you.

You were a woman of strength and courage.  You divorced in a time when divorce was nearly unheard of; you went to work when women your age were home raising children and baking cookies.  Despite coming home to an empty house, which I hated by the way, I learned many things; cooking, laundry and grocery shopping.  Basics I would need for the "real" world at the tender age of thirteen.

You were an incredibly social lady.  When you divorced, you got the house and dad took the friends.  To develop a new social circle after 22 years was painful for you.  These friends were not nearly as prominent as the one in your "old" life.  I know that hurt. 

You seemed to need a man in your life.  As an adult, I understand the loneliness you felt but as a child, it was difficult.  It is not easy being a single woman in this world.  You showed me what not to do when divorced.  I have chosen a different path; yet, yours seemed to work for you.  It would never work for me.  

You were always witty.  You were also incredibly smart despite not having a college education.  I liked that you made me laugh and offered pearls of wisdom.  I think you passed that along to me, as many people think I am pretty hilarious; yet, I also have a more serious side.  Like you, people seek my advice.  You were incredibly straightforward.  You believed in what you said and did.  You had an amazing confidence.  Maybe because you were so incredibly beautiful.  I am just now learning in my 50's to live for me. I'm finding it's okay to be a little selfish.  I'm also figuring out that I don't have to please everyone -- that it's okay to be whoever I am. 

You believed in God but never attended church.  You had bad experiences growing up and even into early adulthood.  You said that you didn't believe in that Jesus stuff.  It was hard to accept those words as you were ill with cancer.  You did not want to talk spirituality or about your disease.  I did not understand that and I still don't.   As your disease progressed, you showed true bravery in the face of death.  Yet, one day, you woke up weak and barely able to move.  It was a sight I could hardly bear. It was the beginning of the end and I never saw that coming.

I am thankful I had a chance to pray with you.  That God gave us a few minutes alone together in the hospital.  I am not a bold person except when I write; and most certainly, if there were a nurse or anyone else about, I'd have missed that opportunity.  I know it gave you peace.  You talked about a "faith healing" afterwards.

You had a peaceful passing and despite your death, I had my own sense of peace.  I grieved throughout your illness; by time you passed, I had already cried a million tears.   I do miss you but know you are "home".  You are where you needed to go -- to your heavenly Father. 

I miss our daily talks.... I miss your smile, your soft hands and your incredible way of making those around you feel loved and secure.   Summer nights always remind me of you tucking me in bed when I was a child; the window open and hearing the cicadas outside with a gentle breeze blowing the curtains.  I miss those days...I miss you!

As I think back on your life, you didn't miss a beat.  You lived life on your terms and I admire that about you.  I wish I had the guts!  When you passed, you had done everything you wanted to do; of that, I had no doubt.

So, why am I writing?  To tell you "Thank you, mom!"  You taught me how to be a good mom, how to love others, how to throw a fabulous party, how to cook and to just be happy.  I remember you telling me one day that when you walked into my own house that you could "feel the love."  When I told that story to my eldest son, he said it was because of me.  I tend to think it was because of you.  Either way, the love was there.  That is the most important gift you could ever pass along!

If you were alive today, I'm sure we would talk.  We would compare imaginary illnesses, throw in some salty language and have a good laugh.  I would hold your soft hand in mine and say a silent prayer.  I would also thank God for giving me such a great mother! 

Until we see each other again...
Lisa

To My Girlfriends

 

 

Dear Ladies,

 

It is the sole purpose of this blog to encourage others like myself who have gone through some challenges in life. I spent much time in reflection and to find ways in which to write about my life so that my anecdotes would help others.  I summon these Truths and the courage it takes to write from Him.  It is, in my estimation, the Holy Spirit that guides my writing. 

  

I hope my message of you don't need a man in your life to be happy came through loud and clear.  Granted, it is wonderful when you have found your life partner but by the same token, the only man we really need in our life is God.  

 

Many have spent far too much time looking for the happy ending to that proverbial fairy tale of finding our prince.  The truth is, no such person exists.  It comes down to what we are able to compromise on and what we aren't.    What makes a relationship?  What makes a marriage?

 

In my humble opinion, we need to stick by Biblical truth for finding our perfect mate -- that is not to say our mate is perfect, but rather, one who is perfect for us.  The prince we are seeking may not conform to the standards of this world; that's okay.  If he did, I don't think he would be the spiritual leader we should all be seeking.

 

I also hope my message of it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, but it's what's on the inside that counts.  We have all heard that saying at one time or another but if we look at the Bible, it is one of God's truths.  It is not merely something our parents or friends said to make us feel good.  God looks at our hearts.  Any man we bring in our life should likewise.  If he is only seeking the physical, then he is not the one for us.

 

Read the affirmation above.  We are all princesses because we are the children of the one true God.  He is our Father; not our earthly one but our heavenly One.  The One whose home he has opened to us.  Follow His guidance.  He only wants the best for us -- and He will never let us down.  Seek his path for your life.  When we stray, things go wrong.  Pray, read the Bible, get into a Bible study and enjoy fellowship with other Christians. 

 

If nothing else, I hope you have found that He is always in the midst of our situations.  He will send others to us to help us and pray for us.  He is our King of Kings.  We are princesses -- not because of our prince charming-- but because of Him.

 

As you travel through this life, guard your hearts, sisters!  May you have a peace that surpasses all understanding and a deep and abiding joy that comes from knowing Him.

 

You are all wonderful women and I admire your strength,  courage, and tenacity.  Going through life without a partner is difficult.  God made us as people who seek relationship.  Yet, our worth does not come from someone other than God.  I too, am guilty of that.  The truth is, we don't need approval from anyone.  We only need to look to God.  Seek Him first.  Everything else will fall into place. 

 

For now,  "May The Lord bless you  and keep you; May  the Lord make his face shine on you  and be gracious to you; May  the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

 (Numbers 6:24-26)

 

 

Here is an awesome song, with an awesome message.  May it bless you!

 

http://youtu.be/GXoZLPSw8U8

 

 

In Christ's Care,

Lisa

To My Spiritual Mentors

Dear Mentors,

There is more than one of you; hence, the plural.  You have each brought something to the table as far as my spirituality.  You have deepened my convictions  and beliefs about God on many levels.

When I was distraught, you held my hand and prayed with me.  You showed me what it means to be a brother or sister in Christ.

When I had questions, you answered them.  You realized that, even though I had been a Christian for many years, I did not have a relationship with God.  You didn't judge but rather, took me to a place of deeper understanding and spirituality.

When I wanted to become more involved and serve in the church, you proverbially took me by the hand and helped me get plugged into a ministry or six.  That was okay; I really did not understand how much manpower it takes to run a church and that, more than the same twenty people are necessary to keep it up and running.

When I expressed an interest in ministry and possibly becoming a deacon, you helped me to discern what God's will was for my life.  You were, in fact, the first ones to take me seriously when I said God had called me to ministry.    It took many years, but I think I found my place; to spread the Word of God and show others how to apply it to our personal lives.

When you are short-handed at the Communion table and ask me to help or allow me to do a Scriptural reading, it is an honor.  I love to participate in worship services.  It makes me feel closer to God.

I know my place in this world is to be an example.  To share the light of Christ in whatever way I can.  Some days,  it's in my actions while other days, it's through my writing.  I am not a particularly bold or knowledgeable person from a theological standpoint.  Speaking to others about my beliefs and convictions is something I find exceedingly difficult.  However, without your encouragement, prayer and thoughtful listening, I would not have discerned God's will for my life.  You see, none of us knew what He wanted for me; yet, He made it so.

I take this time to thank you for being there.  It is what being the church is all about; it is not a building, but rather, the people that comprise it.  The church, as a body, is what God intended for us; worship, prayer, service, ministry and also fellowship.

I praise God for putting such amazing people in my life.  Thank you for your patience as I learned who I was as a Christian and what God's will was for my life.

In His Service,
Lisa

To My Dad

Dear Dad,

You have been someone who has had an incredible impact on my life.  Although you passed away over 25 years ago, your words still continue to stay with me.

You were a man with much integrity and honor; a hard worker who had incredible perseverance.  You were a first-generation immigrant and taught me that "when in Rome, do as the Romans do."  Unfortunately, that did not allow me to share much in your heritage or language.  I wish you would have done that, as I think it would have greatly enriched my life; however, I'm sure that due to your persecution during the days of the Nazis that it was something you chose quite purposefully.  I understand it but I think it is sad you felt you needed to give up that part of yourself in order to be safe. 

 Although you were a wonderful man and provider,  you did have a way about you; a way that left some scars on my heart.  Perhaps it was because you were a doctor, or that you personally knew the sting of being overweight because you were for many years. For whatever reason, that was a bone of contention with you.  You wanted thin children and I did not make the mark.  In high school, unbeknownst to you, I developed an eating disorder.  I became thin but it was at a price.  I think you noticed something was wrong, as you then began to encourage me to eat; but I didn't want to.  After you left for work, I would throw away the food you made for me.  In my mind, being thin was equated with pretty.  You made that abundantly clear when you remarked how unattractive women friends became as they got heavier in their 50's.    I tried to explain to you that they were no longer young but that didn't seem to matter to you; they were no longer beautiful.

As I grew older, I continued to struggle with my weight.  I still do.  The truth is, I have been very thin in my life and very heavy.  At my thinnest, it was never enough.  Frankly, I'm not sure what the scale would have to read in order for me to be "pretty."  Unfortunately, that is the message that you sent.  Your words still ring in my ears.  "Your ass is too big, sweetie!"   I don't know if it was something lost in the translation but tact was certainly not your strong suit.  I suppose the endearing term on the end was meant to take out the sting.  I have forgiven you for the comments you made  and yet, I am continuing to heal and accept myself as I am.  It's not easy but I am trying really hard.

You were an older parent; 51 years old when I was born.  I don't know how you had the energy for a young family, but you managed.  As I grew older, you did not like my choice of boyfriends or husband.  You made sure I knew it.  As a dad and doctor,  you were incredibly overprotective.  Perhaps that's where all that stemmed from -- your not wanting me to get hurt; either physically or emotionally. 

You also did not like the fact that I was living with my future husband.  I will give you that...it was the wrong thing to do.  However, my heart was not with God at that time.  I wish instead of criticizing me and calling me names, you would have directed me to get counsel from an outside source.  That would have been incredibly helpful.  Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?   You were not a perfect dad nor was I a perfect daughter.  And yes, I am sorry for any pain I caused you.

I am sorry you felt a need to end your life.  Although you were not young, I still think you had plenty of life to live.   I don't know why you did it but it left an incredible void.   However, had you not done that, I probably would not have become a "born again" Christian  I suppose that is the silver lining in that very dark cloud. 

You taught me many things.  That it is not easy to make a living; it takes a lot of sacrifice to be financially secure.   Although I did the "right thing" by getting a college education,  it was not until many years later that I realized the importance of not just an education, but a profession.  I think I missed that particular lesson when I was younger because all I heard was you wanted me to be a physician.  True enough, but if I read between the lines, I would have heard, you need a profession.  I also learned about my Jewish heritage and the impact the Holocaust had on our family.   I know it affected you greatly, as you talked about it to me quite often.  As a child, I didn't understand -- as an adult, I do.  It helped to keep the story alive in my heart and has allowed me to tell others your story.  I didn't know until this year that you never talked about it with anyone else in our family.  Interesting.  Perhaps you saw something in me that no one else did?  You also taught me that faith is important.  You didn't care what religion I was as long as I believed in God.  Most of all, you believed in strong family ties; as a result, my family is incredibly close.

I am sorry for the things you had to go through in your life.  I know yours was not easy.  You did the best you could as a parent.  I see that even more as I grow older. 

As I continue to struggle with so-called "baggage" in my life, I am trying less and less to blame my childhood and more importantly, you -- and focus on who I have become as an adult.  What did my childhood teach me?  To focus less on the negatives of my life and more on the positives.  And although I know you would be appalled at my physical stature if you were alive today, you would probably be pretty happy with who I became; an educator, a woman of Christ and someone who is independent and learning to like herself for the first time in her life. 

Thank you for being there for me for my those first 28 years of  my life.  It was not as long as I would have liked but I have to believe it was God's plan and purpose for both of our lives.  In spite of our limited time together,  you had a profound impact upon me.  I need to remember who you were in this life; a good man, an amazing father and one who would give the shirt off his back to help another.  Most importantly, a man who knew God.  I pray you are resting in peace.

I love you,
Lisa

To My Students

Dear Students,

It doesn't matter how many years ago I had you in my class; you helped shape me in a very important way -- you made me a better teacher.   I'm certain that I never showed you more than pure professionalism; yet, each of you held a special place in my heart.

Collectively, you taught me how to manage a classroom efficiently, reflect on a lesson I carefully planned out, or even how to teach a lesson "on the fly" because there was a "teachable moment."  You taught me to maintain a sense of humor and not to take your sassiness too seriously; you are, after all, just children whose minds are still developing.

To my autism class...you taught me patience and understanding.  You taught me that your disability is incredibly profound.  You taught me that you have a neurological disorder which affects your ability to communicate.  I have often pondered how it must feel to want to say something and be unable to do it; frustrated, to say the least.  Of course, you lash out!  But others don't understand that.  I do.  After a six hour day, I was exhausted; some days, you took it out of me both physically and emotionally.  Yet, each and every one of you is special and unique.  You each have your own gifts.  You are a child of God.  Don't ever let anyone tell or make you feel otherwise.

To my students with learning disabilities...you have made me smile more than you know.  Although you can at times drive me to distraction,  you have made me equally proud with your accomplishments.  To watch your writing improve, pass an important exam and go on to graduate has filled my heart with pride.   I hope I  have instilled with you what I know you are able to do -- be successful in your own right.  For success is not merely a college degree -- it is being comfortable in your own skin, able to make a living for yourself and having the happiness you so richly deserve.  High school is tough enough for students who don't struggle with learning.  Yours is not just the challenge of growing up with your peers who can be exceedingly judgmental, but learning how to overcome the educational challenges you have had in your young lives.  You have taught me what it means to be courageous; being in classes where teachers do not take your disability seriously or with those who are clearly annoyed you are in their class.  You have shown them that you are persistent and given an equal footing, can compete with your peers quite nicely. 

To my students with health impairments...you have shown me how fragile life is.  You have shown me that by some fluke of nature, a chromosome short or extra, that lives are changed in ways that are unimaginable.  You too are special because I see how hard life is for you. I also come home praising God because He shows me how difficult life really can be,  through you.  Yet, you have incredible joy.  Your joy comes in getting a ribbon at the Special Olympics.  Your joy comes in taking your first steps at the age of 10 or developing your first friendships with your peers.  Your joy is in dancing to music videos at an assembly where you can't see them but can only hear.  I've watched you as your teacher tries to have you sit down and "behave" like the other 1500 students; except yours is a joy that can't be contained and you continue to dance anyway.  Truth be told, that secretly makes me happy...good for you!!!

I have seen much in my short career.  I am starting my sixth year in special education.  Our university professors warned us we would be "burned out" sometime between years 5 and 8.  I don't find that to be true, for each one of you touches my very soul.  I am grateful to have had you pass through my life, for you have enriched it in ways beyond measure.

I wish you much success as you continue to travel through this life,

Ms. L.

To the Men I've Dated

Dear Gentlemen,

You have all taught me some amazing life lessons.  I write to you, because first and foremost,  there are many ladies who give of themselves too freely.  I used to be like that but now find that I have become wiser.  In Proverbs 4:23 it says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (NIV)   Ladies, if you give of yourself freely, you are not guarding your heart.  You are actually making yourselves incredibly vulnerable.  Gentlemen, likewise, you are asking a woman to give of herself completely in a relationship that may or may not be a forever thing.  In a break-up, the woman is completely devastated because she has bonded with you.  In her heart, you are with her completely because she has given herself completely.  Meanwhile, you may or may not have been vested in the relationship from the get-go.  Please -- men and women -- keep this in mind while in a relationship.

Also gentlemen, women like to be courted -- nurtured -- loved. When going out for dinner there should be no expectation of anything, other than that; conversation and dinner.   And women, just because a guy buys you dinner, does not mean that you owe him anything else.  I hope both sides have found this is freeing and clarifying and not punitive.  Sex is a beautiful thing; it just has to be within the right context.

Gentlemen, you also taught me that it is okay to be on the receiving end of things.  I have always been a giver -- a big one!  And I was willing to give to you, regardless of  what it cost me emotionally.  That is no more.  You see, I was taught that it is always better to give than to receive.  But the truth is, in a relationship, you should both be willing to give and receive at different times.  It's called compromise; and when couples do it well, their relationships go the distance.

You've also mentioned a time or twenty, that I overthink.  That, gentlemen, is born out of insecurity and trust issues.  That is something that may or may not ever be resolved.  In my view, it is a non-issue.  It is no different than if you were bald or wrinkled.  I would not stand and tell you, "Hey -- you're bald!"  It's truly something that some people can't help.  I'm not sure if therapy would cure it.  It's there and whether it goes away or not...who knows?  But the truth is, we are 50+ years old and we are all bound to have some sort of baggage.  It's just a question of what you can and cannot deal with.   I personally can take a lot but being asked to take away my inquisitive or creative side?  I just can't nor won't do it.  It's innate.

You've taught me that although I like being spoiled and cared for, I also like my independence.  I enjoy working and paying my own way.  (However, preferably not on a date.)   Granted, I don't have a lot of money but it feels great to be strong and able to take care of myself and my boys!  This is the first time in my life I have had to be this strong and this independent.  Despite the stamina required of working multiple jobs, I don't mind it.  God has blessed me by putting these opportunities in my path.  I embrace them and feel grateful. 

You've taught me that I can get so wrapped up in a relationship that I can easily put God second.  I don't want to do that.  Hence, my waiting for the man God wants me to be with; a man who puts God first and me, second.  I'm really, truly okay with that.

Lastly, I want to thank you for all the wonderful memories you created.  From a first kiss to an evening on the town to even, walking down the aisle.  I would do it all again -- the memories gained were immeasurable.  Each and every one of you has shared a piece of my life journey.  Despite what ever became of our relationship, I know everything worked together for God's plan and purpose for my life.  I have a peace that surpasses all understanding.  If going through love, life and heartache helped me learn how to do that, then it was worth it!

Thanks for it all...the good, the bad and everything in between!

Blessings to each of you as you continue your life's journey,

Lisa