On Trusting Again

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Many times in our life we face challenges.  I was thinking about trust the other day, and how on so many levels that people can shatter our trust.  With social media today, it is quite possible to have several personas out there.  One minute you can be someone, working a day-to-day job with one group of friends, while on another page, you could be retired and living in some completely different place with a whole different group of friends.  You can "follow" whoever you want and although it all seems innocent enough, you have to wonder -- is it?

I participate in several social media outlets -- Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.  I've also used online dating websites.  It's really hard to trust individuals once your trust has been taken away.  You have to give a person the benefit of the doubt.  You have to rely that they are being truthful and frankly, in this day and age, I'm not sure there are many people left like that in the world.  I apologize if I sound cynical, but I have been one of those people whose trust has been shattered and have been left to pick up the pieces.

A friend of mine told me today that anyone can say anything; true.  People do say any- and everything.   Yet, I still trust.  I want to believe in people and hope they would be as truthful as I am.  I don't know if that is fortunate or unfortunate.  In my case, I would hope that is fortunate but I have to wonder; is it really?  As I face the world of suitors and potential suitors, I find myself screening everything they say and do.  That is, in my opinion, unfortunate.  I find myself questioning everything they say.  I think I hurt someone really badly the other day because I questioned a behavior I saw them display.  And yet, it was for my protection.  "Guard your heart..." Proverbs 4:23   The thing is, this was a very nice person, spiritually in a great place and yet, I can't trust...not yet.  My friends tell me I'm still gullible and naïve.  Are they right?  Yes.  I know they are.  Currently, I stink at relationships and that's because I ask myself hard questions.  I overthink what I see.  I respond in a way that does not mirror my Christian values; I believe I overreact.  I find myself questioning if I want to be that hard and that cynical of others.  I'm definitely not perfect, but I try to live my life to the highest standards that I can and that means not lying or portraying myself as someone I'm not.  I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person.  But the world does not operate that way.  I know it, and it makes me sad that I have to go to such lengths -- be who I am not -- in order to protect myself.

I see a counselor.  I wonder, can he change me?  Is this something that can be fixed?  Do I want to fix it?  I suppose I need to and yet, it is hard.  I don't want to be gullible and naïve but I don't want to question people I meet on every level.  It is, hard to "be on your toes" all the time.  It is emotionally draining.  I look and listen as if there is a sieve in my brain that is sorting out the good from the perceived bad.  Surely, there is a place in between.  Perhaps it's just the fact that I have not dated much in my life or that I have not been divorced long enough.  I'm not sure which but I'm sure, both play a factor in my trust issues.

As I continue to date, I find more and more, that perhaps I'm not ready to be with someone.  I don't want to ask the hard questions.  I don't want to make the observations.  I don't really want to listen to my gut.  I just want to "be".  I want to be in the moment, be with the person and enjoy their company. I want to be able to just relax and forget about my past.  It is a difficult task.  I can do it but then it takes me right back to where I started; naïve and gullible.

So, for the time, I am being still and listening to God.  I am waiting on Him to tell me who is the right man for me.  I am trying to be patient but when you are alone it is, at times, painful to be in that place of quiet and solitude. Sometimes it is too quiet.  Now, I guess the question becomes -- is that really so bad?

Today I was in church.  I felt incredible peace.  It was beyond amazing.  My cares were gone.  I felt healed and whole.  For a few minutes, I felt like the person I want to be.  So, what's the secret?  Was it the sermon?  Was it the music?  Was it the scripture?  A combination of all of it?  I think, pure and simply, it was this; I felt God's presence.  He was there with me.  I felt Him throughout the sanctuary but more importantly, in my heart.  As a friend prayed with me, I felt that peace that surpasses all understanding.  I left, with a renewed spirit.

As for the trust issues?  One day they will be gone.  God may or may' not place a man in my life.  It's not really for me to concern myself with right now.  I do know that God needs to place someone very special in my life; one who understands that He is first in my life.  That my writing is important and if it leads to other things, then I need to run with it.  It may be something that pulls me physically away from my significant other.  That will take someone very special and who likewise, puts God first.  I need to focus, not just on me but on the world around me; those in need of prayer and encouragement.  That is what I need for now.  It is not about me; it is about Him.  I need to trust but for now, I'm placing my trust in the Lord.

 

 

Link to Stephen Curtis Chapman singing "Be Still and Know"  May it put you in a place of quiet and peace, forgiving all others including yourself.

 

http://youtu.be/BgaHaioAjyg



Discernment: Listening for God's Voice

"Listen to your gut."  It's the advice I seem to get a lot of these days.  I know what my gut is saying, but what are my head and heart saying?  Hmmm...somehow, the two just don't seem to be in sync.  Therein, lies the problem.

You see, I believe your gut is God speaking to you.  Somehow, you have a feeling inside that helps you ascertain right from wrong.  A lot of people have that feeling but they brush it off.  I know I've done it and I'll dare say, you have too. 

Here's the thing.  We need to listen to our gut.  That is actually the Holy Spirit speaking to us and He's telling us some really important stuff.  For instance, have you ever had a feeling about someone but somehow, there is something that is not quite right?  From a logical standpoint, we may justify it in our heads and say, "You're imagining things."  I suppose that could be true.  Likewise, it could indeed be something that is whispered in our hearts by God.  Something that we know we should listen to.

Years ago, I discovered that I had a discerning spirit.  To me, it's a gift from God as it has helped me in many difficult situations.  One day I was sitting down with a gentleman and his wife; both Christians.  We were at a mutual friend's house.  I'd never met the man and his wife before, but I definitely had an uneasiness as I sat down and listened to them talk.  The gentleman was eating crackers and yet, when he offered them to me, I refused; simply because I did not want to touch the box he was touching.  I didn't know why I felt so strongly about this person, but I did.  It was a feeling of the presence of evil.  After he and his wife left, my friend turned to me and said, "He was a murderer."  I couldn't quite wrap my head around that but he added, "He was a member of Hamas."  Most have heard of this group.  My goal is not to get into the politics, but rather, simply to point out that my spirit knew on some level that he had something about him; and my spirit did not like it.  The Holy Spirit was indeed letting me know that there was something not quite right.  And my Christian friend had indeed confirmed it. 

I'll give you another example.  I accepted my first teaching job in 2007. It was for an inner city school.  I was very excited about the job; it was a school that was considered top notch and also seemed to have an amazing administrator.  It was a good fit, as far as jobs go.  The first day that teachers reported to the school, I walked into my classroom and instantly knew I was not supposed to be there.  My gut was screaming, "Leave!"  Let me tell you, that is a killer!  Spending four years getting my degree and wanting that first job so badly; knowing if you turn it down, it is a potential career killer.  Yet, my spirit kept nagging me to leave.  Finally, I drove some distance to human resources to sign my contract and explained I could not take the job.  They told me to talk to my site administrator.  Well, bottom line is I did.  And I did not take the job.  I went home and cried for days.  I spoke with a friend who told me, her spirit was telling her that I needed to "Be still and know that He is God."  I took that advice.  I read my Bible and sat on my front porch and just looked at the nature outside.   I still cried for a few days but got over it.  That event happened the second week of August.  Labor Day week-end, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer.  I took her home with me and took care of her until she passed away.  You see, God was telling me that He had a different plan for me; a better plan.  I didn't know that at the time, but as hard as it was to say "no" to that first job, I "listened to my gut."  And although my mother passed away, I was able to care for her as I had always promised her I would.   Additionally, I was able to secure employment at a time that coincided with God's plan and purpose; when the timing was right and without any difficulty. 

I've given you a couple of examples of discernment but perhaps you are like me and actually need a good, solid definition.  So here is one from www.dictionary.com  It says it comes from the verb discern which means to distinguish or discriminate.   That's not bad but I wonder if there's a definition from a Christian perspective?   The website www.yourspiritualgifts.com describes it in the following manner:

Discernment—This (spiritual) gift equips one to know instinctively what is going on beyond the surface, whether of a situation or an individual. Those with the gift of discernment have the ability to determine genuineness or phoniness.

I'd say that's pretty close.  It is a spiritual gift, given by the Holy Spirit.  It helps us determine what is genuine.  The site goes on to list attributes of those who possess the gift of discernment.

• Are good judges of character
• Are able to understand different personality types
• Are aware of things that go on under the surface in people and situations
• Can quickly recognize authenticity and see through falsity
• Can sense the Spirit’s working (forces of good) and Satan’s attacks (forces of evil)

Obviously, Jesus was able to discern things.  In Mark 2:8 (NIV) it says, "Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things?" 

John 6:63 (NIV) says, " The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit^[a] and life."


1 Corinthians 12:10 (Tthe Message) describes it as, " God’s various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God’s Spirit. God’s various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God’s Spirit. God’s various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful:

wise counsel
clear understanding
simple trust
healing the sick
miraculous acts
proclamation
distinguishing between spirits
tongues
interpretation of tongues.

All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when."

The bottom line is that although not everyone recognizes the gift of discernment, God does.  He sends the Holy Spirit to convict our hearts and speaks to us in a still, small voice.  He can do it in many ways; through His word, other Christians or even listening to music.  This YouTube video describes how we can hear that "Still, Small Voice."   Listen and open your hearts so you too can hear Him speak.

http://youtu.be/ZzU0x1lFvBw

Journeys

. 

Here it is.  The start of a new school year.  Doesn't hardly seem like summer should be over, and yet it is.  This summer, I had the rare opportunity to travel -- more so than I ever imagined, thanks to the generosity of some very dear friends.  They not only opened their hearts to me but their home.  For that, I am grateful.  I'd like to share with you a bit about my travels; for they were not just journeys in a physical sense but also in a spiritual sense as well.

My first visit was with my grandchildren.  What a treat!  They have grown tremendously.  Although some are too young to remember me from my last visit, after a day or so, they tend to warm up to me; after all, how often does Grandma Lisa get a chance to visit?  When I first moved to Nevada, I remember being scared my grandson wouldn't remember me.  My daughter kept a book with pictures of grandma and grandpa in it to show her oldest son.  Yes, he not only is at an age where he remembers me, but looks forward to my visits.  Each time I see those babies, I see how they have grown.  I also see my daughter, and love what a remarkable young woman she is and how clearly in love, she and her husband are with each other.  It is nice to see that.  It makes my heart happy.  It makes me proud when I see her and her family.  I must have done something right!

 I also love to visit my hometown.  No matter how many years I'm away, it will always be home.  It is the warmth of the people there.  Strangers who hold doors open; something you don't often find out in Nevada.  It is nice to visit old friends but also wonderful to return to the new ones.  The weather is different, the local customs are different, the people are different.  And yet, I like both places.  Nevada is not "home" per se,  but it is where I've spent the last five years of my life.  It has been a place that I have grown accustomed to;  I love the blue skies and watching the sun rise and set behind the mountains.  I avoid the "Strip" at all costs.  It is not me -- it does not coincide with my Midwestern roots.  However, it is a place that I realize offers many opportunities for people in the hospitality industry.  I also realize, I've been given many opportunities out here as well.  I have a job that I love.  Las Vegas is also where I began my very long and deep faith journey.  I have been walking with the Lord for a very long time, but it is here where I have felt His presence greatly and watched Him work miracles in my life.  That just goes to show you that God is anywhere -- even in "sin city;"  or should I say, especially in "sin city?"

I also travelled to Ohio this summer.  I went to Cleveland, which was, I must admit, a nice surprise.  I stayed with a friend out there.  He offered me the opportunity to write and get to learn a little bit about this gem in the heartland.  Although this is a Midwestern town, it offers much.  Not only does it have multiple sporting stadiums but it also has fantastic museums and universities.  "The Deer Hunter" was filmed there, and I had the opportunity to see some places where filming took place.  It was that movie which gave Meryl Streep and Christopher Walken  their break-out roles.  I also saw some beautiful old churches and had an opportunity to go to the downtown farmer's market.  That was a veritable delight.  So many foods that filled the senses -- fruits, vegetables, breads and fresh meats. I had an opportunity to try some fantastic micro-brews which were distilled locally.  I also dined on gourmet meals and would share nice conversations with my friend in the evenings over dinner.   He felt it was important to talk at night since he worked all day; I'd have to agree.  You see, my interactions with my family are mostly "on the fly" and so, to sit down and actually converse was something I have been missing.  More importantly, the home where I stayed gave me a sense of peace.  I could look out onto acres and acres and see the more than fifty trees on his property and the wildlife that abounds.  It is something I have missed in Las Vegas.  We don't have much besides cockroaches the size of ponies.  No, this was a place that was filled with lots of greenery and nature at work.  I appreciated the quiet and stillness.  It made me think of God.  It inspired me to write; not just one or two blogs but a series of blogs.  The beauty of this simple place in the heartland coupled with friendship and lots of laughter made this a memorable trip.  It was all things I love.  I hated to leave but I did have summer school, and so it was time to return to Nevada.

As my journey continued, it wasn't without its ups and downs.  I worked summer school again this year.  I had just a handful of students, but they definitely gave me a run for my money.  As always, I learned something from each and every one of my students.  I enjoyed the routine of school and seeing friends that I haven't worked with in a year.  It was hot, as Las Vegas is this time of year; certainly not pleasant but not completely unbearable.  Our high was 112 degrees; hotter in the car as I got into it after school.  There was a week or so of  balmy breezes and a more temperate climate.  On those evenings, it was around 100.  Well, it did feel cooler -- sort of like a blow dryer --and was preferable to the incredibly high daytime temperatures.   It was during this period of time that a friend offered to pay for airfare for me to visit her in Oregon.  She said I needed a vacation.  You know what?  She was right!  So, I booked a trip for the week before school began in the fall.

I had a few days after summer school to just relax.  There were things that needed to be done around the house; things I had long neglected.  Some things were done, while  others were left undone.    I can't explain why I didn't get everything done, other than my own willful self.  Yes, I just wanted to sit and do nothing but sleep late, drink coffee and watch sitcoms.  Sometimes, even something that ordinary is soothing to the soul.  During this period, I decided to get off the dating websites which were just distracting and frankly, annoying.  I had one day where four -- count them -- four gentlemen were particularly rude to me.  I heard a voice from God saying, "Is this the men you want in your life?"  The answer was a resounding, "No."  And so, I knew it was time to close down my accounts.   Since getting off, I notice that I have more time to enjoy the things that I once enjoyed; such as reading the Bible and listening to Christian music.  And of course, writing.

My last trip was to Oregon.  I met up with my friend who lives in an idyllic, little town.  Quite frankly, it was more than I could ever have imagined.  Her house is nestled in the mountains.  There are fir trees everywhere and lush greenery.  It's almost surreal.  We played hard, laughed hard, talked for hours and had an amazing time.  She took me to the Oregon coast to spend the day.  We went to lakes and drove through incredible vistas.  I got to absorb everything I'd been missing in Las Vegas -- God's beauty everywhere.  Yes, Oregon truly is God's country.  Although Las Vegas does have moments of beauty, it pales in comparison.  It is a place that is often noisy from a spiritual sense.  It is a 24/7 town. 

To give you an idea of what it's like to live in Las Vegas if you're a more quiet type like myself, I'm going to give you an analogy.  Think about this.  You know when you're in the hospital and nothing ever stops?  Doctors, nurses, technicians, x-ray rooms, laboratories, the cafeteria and on and on?  That's Las Vegas -- only their industry is entertainment.  So, imagine that your hometown feels like a hospital.   It is not restful.  Just as one goes to a hospital when they need to, they also leave as soon as they've recovered.  So too is it with me in Las Vegas.  You see, I have felt for a long time that God is calling me to a new place.  This summer, I had the opportunity to visit several places.  Just as a patient is weary of the hospital, I too am weary of Las Vegas. I came here for surgery; to excise a cancer that wouldn't stop growing.  I am now healing and the Great Physician is saying, "It's almost time to go home...just a few more days."

The truth is, I felt at home on all of my journeys this summer.  I also feel at home in Las Vegas, although I know it is not my forever home.  My spirit is being called away from here.  I don't quite know where I will land, but it will not be without prayer and much discernment.  It will be a place that offers quiet, nature and feeling God's presence even more so than I do here.  There will be no glaring lights; just darkness in the evening.  Slot machines will not be in every grocery store and gas station.  My entertainment will not be the headliners that perform here, but rather, the sound of the cicadas signaling that summer has ended.

 So as summer comes to a close, I have the memories of my journeys.  Often adventuresome, filled with nature's beauty and God's grace.  And my friends and family -- "my angels" -- for picking me up when I needed to be.  That, my friends, is the real beauty of our journeys.  Our spirit calls us to a new place; one that God has hand-picked for us.  Just as I did when I moved to Nevada, I will allow God to guide my footsteps again.  I will follow the journey He makes known to me.  I will let Him choose my new home. 

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."  Psalm 16:11 (NIV)

Grace Defined

 

Tonight I have been thinking about grace.   I've been listening to the song "Unredeemed" by Selah and as I do so, the word grace keeps coming to mind.  What exactly is grace in Christian theology?  On the website, About.com Christianity, Mary Fairchild defines it in the following way:

"Grace is God's unmerited favor. It is kindness from God we don't deserve. There is nothing we have done, nor can ever do to earn this favor. It is a gift from God. Grace is divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration (rebirth) or sanctification; a virtue coming from God; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine favor."

But that's from a Christian viewpoint.  How does a more secular source such as  Merriam-Webster.com define grace?

• a :  unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification
•  b :  a virtue coming from God
• c :  a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

Let's think about that a bit.  If a stranger off the street came to you and asked, "What is grace?", how would you answer them?  You don't know if they're Christian or not, so let's see if we can come up with a definition using both the secular and Christian definitions.  Hmmm, there's the word sanctification in there.  It's used in both, so it must be important. Both also talk about it being a virtue (honor) from God. Divine assistance (aid) -- so we can't earn it.  Anything unearned is a gift. But how do we receive this gift?   And by the way, just what is sanctification?

Ok, well let's talk sanctification since both definitions use it.  I'm a Methodist, so I'm using the United Methodist Church's definition of sanctification.  It say on UMC.org

"Salvation is not a static, one-time event in our lives. It is the ongoing experience of God’s gracious presence transforming us into whom God intends us to be. John Wesley described this dimension of God’s grace as sanctification, or holiness. Through God’s sanctifying grace, we grow and mature in our ability to live as Jesus lived. As we pray, study the Scriptures, fast, worship, and share in fellowship with other Christians, we deepen our knowledge of and love for God. As we respond with compassion to human need and work for justice in our communities, we strengthen our capacity to love neighbor. Our inner thoughts and motives, as well as our outer actions and behavior, are aligned with God’s will and testify to our union with God."

Dictionary.com defines sanctify as:

1. to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate.

2. to purify or free from sin: Sanctify your hearts.

3. to impart religious sanction to; render legitimate or binding:

to sanctify a vow.

4. to entitle to reverence or respect.

5. to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing.

Adding the suffix -ation turns the verb sanctify into a noun.  In other words, we become a blessing by becoming an example of what it means to be a Christian.  So how do we become sanctified?  In John 17:14-19 (NIV), Jesus says this:

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. ¹⁵ My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. ¹⁶ They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. ¹⁷ Sanctify them by^[d] the truth; your word is truth. ¹⁸ As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. ¹⁹ For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified."

In other words, once we accept Christ, we become sanctified.  The process of sanctification allows us to continue to grow as Christians.  We don't just accept Christ and that's the end of our faith journey.  Rather, it's only the beginning.  Accepting Christ is a first step toward receiving God's grace.  Christ died on the cross for us, so that we could be saved from our sins.  That's God's gift to us.  There is nothing we could do to earn that kind of grace (favor). But, as Christians, we need to continue to grow in our faith in different ways such as, through Bible study, worship, fellowship with other Christians and helping others, to name a few.  It is what defines us as Christians and sets us apart. 

So what about when bad things happen?  Is grace still there?  Yes, it abounds in all circumstances.   The important thing is to turn it over to God.  You see, God will take your circumstance and  use even the most terrible things for His glory.  There are many examples in the Bible but let's look at Acts 11: 19-21 (NIV), in Antioch, where the disciples were first called Christians; the following happened:

"Now those who had been scattered by the persecution that broke out when Stephen was killed traveled as far as Phoenicia, Cyprus and Antioch, spreading the word only among Jews. ²⁰ Some of them, however, men from Cyprus and Cyrene, went to Antioch and began to speak to Greeks also, telling them the good news about the Lord Jesus. ²¹ The Lord’s hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord."


Read the sections I have put in bold typeface.  A bad thing happens, yet grace abounds.  People still came to the Lord, despite knowing they too could be persecuted.  Lysa TerKeurst sort of sums it up.  She says, "When to give grace?  I'd rather stand before God knowing I loved others too much rather than regretting that I judged too harshly."  As the song "Unredeemed" says, "Places where grace is..."  Give a listen to it.  Grace is one of those things that is difficult to put into words, yet I think I think this song puts into words the essence of grace.  May it bless you today and fill you with the grace of the Holy Spirit.

"Unredeemed" by Selah

http://youtu.be/N9kMYkYcT6w 

Aftershock

As many of you know, I write for a grief website called "Open to Hope."  After reading about Robin Williams death for the past 24 hours, I decided to submit a blog.  The following link will take you to it.

http://www.opentohope.com/robin-williams-suicide-brings-back-difficult-memories/

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

Peace in Him, 

Lisa

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

It's been a little over a year since I began this blog.  I'm not sure that people understand why I began writing -- I'm not even sure I understand it.  I can tell you this.  It was not a way to get back at my ex.  I have, in fact, been accused of that by others.  I've also had men who are reluctant to date me for fear they will end up on here.  Truth is, I write about my life.  If you happen to be in my life, then you may find yourself on the pages of it.   However, I always try to write a positive message.  Even from the negative -- I want to know, what have I learned and how can I inspire others from my experiences?  I not only want to experience life but also, need to process it.   Writing is my way of doing so.

Back in 2007, as my mother lay in her hospital bed dying from lung cancer, I had a meditation on my heart.  It was "Lord have mercy upon us, Christ have mercy upon us, Lord have mercy upon us."  It was something I had said many times in church.  I repeated it over and over in my head for hours.   I don't know why I had that on my heart.  When I have looked it up on the Internet, this is what it is used for in a church service:

"As a sung prayer for mercy in the service of confession and forgiveness; as part of a litany, sung after each petition (as in the oldest traditions); as a frame around spoken prayers."
--Psalter Hymnal Handbook

At the time, I didn't know why I was meditating on that; only that it brought me comfort.  Looking at her in that bed, tiny and frail, was almost more than I could bear.  And then, I heard the voice of God telling me that I was to go into ministry and it would, cost me $100,000.  Crazy, right?  Not only does God give me a command but a price tag to boot!  Still, I knew I was not imagining this.  I felt incredible peace at the time.

I wracked my brain for years trying to sort out the meaning of God's message.  I thought perhaps it had something to do with cancer patients.  I was in school at the time, trying to finish up my teaching credentials and master's degree.  I didn't really feel like finishing my degree, but I did. I came to Las Vegas and one of my church pastors suggested to me that I become a deacon.  I spent a couple of years researching that possibility but it was never quite a fit.  Was I to become a pastor?  No.  As I settled into life in Las Vegas, and just began living, I found out that my ministry is exactly what I am doing now.  Teaching, writing and I believe, one day reaching out to congregations and giving my testimony.  Truth is, right now I am $100,000 in debt with student loans.  It is, I believe, coming to fruition.  It is not anything that I thought it would be.  It is His vision, not mine.  That's sort of how we know we are in His will; because we cannot even imagine it!  And yet, as time goes on, He will reveal it.  But, you have to be willing and open to receive it. 

My blog has touched the hearts of thousands of people on six continents -- six!  I say that, not to boast but rather, to give glory to Him. I frankly, am quite incredulous at the enormity and impact that it has had on others.  I have been told by others how it has encouraged them; which is, in my mind, the purpose of it.  I write from the living room of my little rental condo and yet, it has gone worldwide.  But that's not why I do it.  As I write, I feel closer to Him.  The words spill from my fingertips.  It is a feeling unlike any I have ever known; indescribable.  These are not my words but His. 

I used to ask God, "Why me?  Why can't I have a 'normal' life?"  He has answered me.  He has used all my experiences so that I could write them down and help those that need it the most.  He has also used my love for Him as an example of how to live for Him.  I write because He has given me courage, strength and a will to speak out when others are too afraid or ashamed to do so.  I say what's in my spirit despite the risk of losing those closest to me.  I do it because I love Him.  If Christ could die for me, why would I not be willing to do what He asks?  His will be done -- not mine.

This past year and a half has been one of change for me.  I went from being a housewife, mother and teacher just trying to get through my days, to one who lifts up others and makes the most of my time left here on Earth.  I feel your pain.  I know your hopelessness. I also know your dreams.  I hear you wanting to change and not knowing how.  I have lived it.  I am here to tell you, if I can do all things through Christ, so can you.  Open your hearts.  Reach out to Him.  Discover His plan and purpose for your life.  How is He using your experiences to help others?  Allow Him to work in your heart and be the catalyst for change.  Be in His will -- not yours --and watch the blessings flow. 

" Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Link to song "Not Guilty" by Mandisa
http://youtu.be/S7fokl9riJ0

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Well, I am back on the wagon again.  I have been working toward getting this old body back in shape.  I had taken a bit of a hiatus due to just being too darned tired from working summer school.  But after looking at my Oola goals the other night, realize I am behind in the area of Fitness.

This goal of fitness has been hanging in front of my like a carrot on a stick since the 1990's.  You see, back then, after I had my third child, I was in incredible shape.  I played tennis twice a week, exercised twice a day and watched what I ate.  However, back then, I was able to eat more carbs -- something that I dearly love.  I did, however, have an epiphany at that time.  If I exercised enough, I could pretty much eat what I wanted.  Then, we moved to Kuwait.  It was hot.  I didn't have access to tennis courts or home gym equipment.  And so the pounds came back; and even more so after the birth of my fourth child.   I've been hanging onto this "baby" weight for 19 years.  I guess that excuse is wearing pretty thin!  Yeah, but it worked for a really long time!   

I will say this -- I am physically more fit than I was a year and a half ago; just heavier.  How can that be?  Well, although I lost a lot of weight between 2012-2013, I never exercised.  I hit a plateau and just became frustrated.  I was working two jobs and taking 17 hours of graduate coursework that year, and so, I did not have the strength to exercise; I was just plain tired!  I was also incredibly stressed physically and emotionally, and had difficulties eating much at all. 

Of course, I needed to give that plan up because it was extremely radical.   Although I was thinner, I had a lot of skin hanging on my face; according to a trainer, a sign of malnutrition.  I believe it.  I was eating far too little -- anywhere from 200-500 calories less than I should have been eating.   I probably messed up my metabolism as well. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for you?"  It wasn't; and it couldn't -- at least not for the long term.  I also attracted a lot more attention from men than I was comfortable with.  Frankly, when I began to gain weight and my face began to fill out more, I felt better.  Even co-workers noted that I looked better.  And therein, began the downward spiral of my weight gain. 

 This spring I actually joined a gym and have been going fairly regularly.  Of course, eating the right food is key -- and so, I am working on that.  I must confess -- there are many days, being a teacher and losing weight are just not copacetic.  Once a month, we have a giant cake for all the birthdays in the building.  People are constantly bringing treats in -- and forget about the time leading up to the holidays and teacher appreciation week.  However, I am really working on the whole eating right part.  Perhaps once and for all, I can hit the magic formula of the correct amount of calories with exercise for my age and time in life? 

I will say this; my body image has improved over the past few months.  This is something I believe is key to being successful with losing weight and maintaining it.  I am less hard on myself.  I also realize that I am more than the sum total of the physical -- it's just that Las Vegas is very superficial.  Let's put it this way; if Maslow's hierarchy had a category for appearance, looks would be at the bottom in this town.  However, if  I ever find a man, I want someone who will admire the inner rather than the outer.  In truth, although a handsome man will turn my head (that is, if I'm not married), the truth of the matter is that if a guy has a great smile, wrinkles and grey hair, I'm down for that.  But they better have a keen sense of humor that can keep up with mine and put God first in their life.  For me, that's a sign they have lived -- really lived!  In fact, I prefer it to someone who is prettier than me. 

And so, I am now looking at the positive things I possess.  A great smile (so I've been told), intelligence, spirituality, a good job (always a plus) and a wicked sense of humor.  Also, I might point out that not all men like women who are a size 0.  And so, even though I am larger than I am comfortable with, I am okay with it.  I will never be satisfied about carrying around extra pounds; however, I am not going to feel less about myself if I do not reach the unattainable goal weight on a doctor's chart.  That my friends, is very Oola. 

So, you see -- I have indeed come a long way these past few months.  I have met many people who God put in my path.  People who helped me love myself and to really "see" who I am.  I am more than the physical; rather I am the spiritual.  It is love, understanding and acceptance that actually helps a person realize their self-worth and give them the courage to go after their dreams.  Thank you to all who continue on this journey with me.  You are my friends, my confidantes, my mentors but most important, the angels God has sent to me. You have blessed me richly and for that, I thank God!

Link to "Say Goodbye" by Mandisa
http://youtu.be/UG6Aa3DIg9Q

Strongholds

"The devil made me do it."  How many times have we explained away our behavior by using that age-old line?  Or the image of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, whispering into our ears.  The truth is, there is a spiritual world out there and we are constantly at war with it.  My understanding is that a spiritual stronghold prevents you from having authentic encounters with God.

My personal stronghold?  It's approval.  I suppose many people enjoy hearing someone complement them.  What's the difference between that and a stronghold?  In my case, I take it to the -nth degree.  It would explain why the dating websites are such an incredible draw to me.  You see, years of emotional abuse  have taken their toll.  That's my "baggage" as they say in the dating world.  My view of myself has always been skewed.  It is not realistic.  I am far more than who I have, in the past, believed that I was.  I can rationally look at the fact that seeking approval is a stronghold in my life but will react on an emotional level.  I will continue to seek out approval.  Therein lies the problem.

Hearing a complement to me is more than a confidence booster.  It is almost Pavlovian in nature.  So, when I joined the world of online dating, quite innocently enough, I did not realize that it could take such a bizarre turn.  That wanting to meet a man and enjoy something as innocent as a cup of coffee and conversation would suddenly became more than a distraction; the truth is, it became an obsession.  But the obsessive quality of it is not, in and of itself, the only thing that makes it a stronghold.  It is the fact is I was seeking approval from other than God.  I've written about getting off of the websites, which I did.  And I was sincere in my doing so.  But also, within a day or two,  I also would get back on them.  I realized that this actually was becoming a real problem.

Many people have strongholds.  It can be adultery, drinking, eating, pornography, making money -- almost anything can become a stronghold.  It  is something that is rooted in the mind that takes our focus off God.  But who ultimately controls our thoughts?  I often used to tell my kids when they had negative thoughts or looked at undesirable things on the Internet;  garbage in, garbage out.  However, there is good news.  If you change your thoughts, you can get rid of the strongholds.

Last night was sort of the breaking point for me.  I realized that 1) I am truly not cut out for the world of Internet dating and 2) this need for approval was getting the better of me.  And so, despite what I paid to join these websites and still have several months on them, I closed all the accounts.  I continued to get e-mails to say this person or that person had written to me but decided that it was really and truly time to cut those ties.  I needed to face this demon; and it was in fact, spiritual in nature.  Do you know how I knew?  Because last night was the be-all, end-all of spiritual battles.  I had the craziest of crazy men contacting me.  I was propositioned within one minute of talking to one man, I was accused of having anger issues from another, I was told I was judgmental by another, I had one chase me down all day and then finally deem he wanted to ask me one question, which was whether or not I had children at home.  I was completely overwhelmed by not just the individuals, but by the issues that were facing me.  This was more than your ordinary drama.  This truly was God saying, "Is this what you want?  Are these the men you want in your life?" 

The truth is, no.  I know I am worth more than a one night stand.  I do not have anger issues, nor do I judge people.  I don't think mulling over whether I wish to talk with someone who is an admitted felon is something that could be perceived as judgmental.  The fact that I was mulling it over in my mind, means that I am not judgmental.  Most people would spin on their heels and run the other way without even a thought.  Why is my having children at home even relevant to who a person is?  I love my kids and they are welcome in my home anytime.  I have, over the past few months, been told I'm an over-thinker, looked at like I have three heads when I did not meet the physical expectations of my suitor, and asked over and over to go to bed by men who professed to be Christians.  At the time I signed on to Internet dating, I had been told by my Christian counselor that something like (don't quote me) 70% of people today meet their mates online.  I'd like to see the statistics on divorce in about 20 years. 

It has taken me more than a year and a half to realize my self-worth.  It has taken me 7 months to realize that there really isn't a prince charming out there -- thanks, Mr. Disney for the fairy tales because, they too helped shape my perception of marriage!  The truth is, divorce is painful.  It is hard.  And it is something that I don't wish to ever repeat.  Next time I walk down the aisle will be with a man who recognizes my self-worth.  Who loves me even more than I love myself; as Christ loves the church.  A man who can live with all the peccadillos that I have.  I know my worth -- and I'm worth a lot more than anything I could find on the Internet.

So, how do we break these crazy strongholds?  Remember my "garbage in, garbage out" phrase I used to tell my kids?  Well, it is true.  Reading the Bible and Christian books, for me, is paramount to overcoming my issues. There are many great Christian movies out there, as well as songs.  I am focusing on my ministry -- this blog, for one.  I am also working on plans for my future; with God's help and discernment from the Holy Spirit.  I also fellowship with my Christian friends and meet with an accountability group once a week to talk about times of closeness to God as well as areas we feel we need to improve on.  I pray and have others praying for me and with me. 

It was hard to write this blog because it is facing up to a hard truth about myself.  Despite being strong in my faith and loving God with all my heart, I still have human frailties.  As such, I have issues that I continually face; maybe none too different from your own.  However, I write all my blogs with the hope that they will help someone else face their demons.  Most importantly, that they will offer encouragement and hope.  It is these two things that help us get through the day-to-day and bring us even closer to God.  As for that Scripture passage at the top of the page?  I love it!  It is a reminder that everything we do impacts our relationship with our Creator.  May the words of all our mouths and the meditations of all our hearts be pleasing to Him.

Link to "What Scars are For" by Mandisa

http://youtu.be/7Gvt__r9EU0?list=RDWpfI7R7xHEs

The Journey Continues

I've lived in Las Vegas nearly five years.  It would seem, God brought me out here to leave my husband.  Away from the peering eyes of our family -- in a place where I knew no one, so that I could live out His plan for my life.  Change is always hard.  Last year, I divorced, moved homes and then, changed job locations and took on a completely different student population.  It was not easy.  Now, I'm considering making another change; I feel God calling me to a different place.  Where that will be, I have no idea.

Following God's Will is not for the faint of heart.   It usually involves change and/or sacrifice.  Many people doubt the existence of God.  And yet, I feel Him in my spirit and have no doubts of His existence.  I want to do what's right and pleasing to Him.  I also know that when I am in God's Will that life just seems to be easier.  This is not to say that there are not any bumps in the road, as life is never trouble-free; but we are better equipped to handle the ups and downs that come our way.

I must say, when I came to Las Vegas, I fully expected to live out my life here.  To be married, retire with my spouse and own a pretty nice house; certainly comparable to what I had in the Midwest.  Instead, I ended up divorced, living in a rental condo about half the size of my old home and no retirement in sight.  Am I disappointed by how things turned out?  Well, in my wildest imagination, I did not foresee this.  Yet, God did.  It was a trial -- a huge one -- and in spite of it, God made everything turn out okay.  I have absolutely  no complaints.  I have more than one job which provides food for our family, gas in my car and I rest easy knowing my bills are paid.  I know I have said this in other blogs but I repeat it because I am not only amazed and blessed by God's provision but also that it truly is enough!  If He chooses to bless me with more, then that's great. And if He takes away, likewise that is His Will and something I will need to accept.   But for now, I am grateful beyond measure for all I have; physical well-being and spiritual peace.

As I begin to try and discern where I need to go, I am looking at places that appeal to me as starting points.  Yet ultimately, God will send me where He wants me to go to fulfill His plan for my life.  Likewise, I know it will be a place that will secure my ability to write and speak more and expand my ministry beyond this little blog.  Although this blog is very much laying the foundation of my ministry, it is by no means the end...rather, it is merely the beginning.

And so, I have various tabs opened on my computer;  Reno, Flagstaff, Boulder, Austin, San Antonio,  Utah, North Carolina, Oregon -- the possibilities are endless.  As immense as the expanse is from the east to the west; so too, are my choices.   Truly, it's only one choice that matters;  and that will ultimately be God's choice.  Yes, I will need to do the legwork.  In much the same way as He provides for my family through my working likewise, I need to do the research.  I need a place which inspires my writing.  Las Vegas is home for now but I don't feel in my spirit that it is my forever home.  God is calling me elsewhere.

Change is hard.  It involves leaving loved ones and friends behind.  It involves a lot of work in terms of reading, writing, consulting with others and doing research.  It is time and effort.  Yet, it is for my God.  He, who gave up His only Son for me...can I really say "no" to Him?  And so, although I do not know what the future holds, I do know that God is preparing me for something.  Is it a move?  Is it staying here and moving a different direction career-wise?  I don't know.  Time will tell. 

So, as I prepare my heart to listen to His leading, I press into Scripture.  I pray.  I ask my Christian friends for advice.  Where do they see me?  Is it in Las Vegas where I feel like a fish out of water?  Or is it in a place that offers the four seasons that I am so accustomed to and reminds me of my "real" home?  Only God knows the answer to that.  For now, I am content to wait and listen for the sound of His voice.

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Link to "Let Them See You" by JJ Weeks Band
http://youtu.be/uOg-1JjAdGk

My Oola Journey: Plan Review

 

Well, it is August 1; nearly 8 months since I wrote my Oola plan for 2014.  Can anyone say, course correction?  Yes, I have strayed -- and badly.  I suppose this is why the OolaSeeker and OolaGuru recommend checking over it daily!  Lesson learned.

My two goals this year were to improve Fitness and Finance.  Well, they have improved but not as much as they could have; especially in the area of Fitness.  I allowed distractions to get in the way.  That is never good, especially if you have goals you wish to meet.  I should know this; I was in sales at one time.  I wrote down the goal and checked it weekly until it was met.  And I did it without my district manager breathing down my neck.  So, why am I so willing to put it out there for a company I have no stake in, other than a paycheck, but not for myself?

Let's look at Fitness.  Well, I have joined a gym
and have actually used it, which goes on the plus side.  The negative is that I have not lost a pound and in fact, have gained a few.  Hard to admit and as my clothes become tighter, something I have to really face.  I know how to do this -- why don't I?  I suppose the bottom line is I don't need to think about it the "why" but rather, use the Nike slogan and "just do it!".  The year is not over yet, and I do have 4 months to reach my goal.  Still do-able.  And if nothing else, I can definitely get closer to where I want to be.

As for Finance, I have managed to keep my head above water.  That is a huge plus.  I got a raise after a three year salary freeze and secured not just a second job but work this summer.  The problem is, my nose is just above the imaginary water line.  I do have my summer school paycheck coming in during the month of August from my work, and that I can put in savings.  That will have helped me reach my goal of opening a savings account and actually having a few bucks in it.  By the grace of God, all my bills are paid, there is food on the table and gas in my car.  I am more fortunate than many; and for that, I am grateful.  A friend has paid for plane fare to go visit her, so I will have a bona fide vacation.  I must confess, were it not for the generosity of  several people, I would have had many more struggles this year.  I have never asked for help yet, God laid it on their hearts to do so -- a huge blessing!  My needs are very basic, and so I do not indulge in much other than the occasional $2.00 cup of coffee at my local Panera, where I can get free refills and minimal distractions to read or write.   My student loans continue to be an issue but some will be forgiven in ten years.  Some are my children's and ex-husband's responsibility.  The loans that were defaulted on this year may possibly be reinstated since I took over the payments .  If that's the case, they would be eligible under the forgiveness program.  This would leave me with very little debt in 10 years and able to actually retire.  So, my future is looking up.   A year ago it was bleak.  I would say I am about as good as I can be at this point of time in this area. 

Although not planned, Fun took off this year.  Yes, I began dating.  It is interesting dating after more than 30 years.  The world has changed dramatically, as have I.  I am still looking for someone that I can call on for a cup of coffee or a movie.  I am not looking for marriage right now unlike the folks I meet --I don't have time for a serious relationship.  My work is my life for now. 

That brings me to Field.  My blog readership is growing exponentially -- praise God!  Additionally, I have pushed back the publication of my book for a year.  I believe the timing is not right, and God continues to put people in my path with amazing ideas who are able to help me continue to grow this blog.  At present, it is read in six continents.  I cannot deny God's hand is on it, for I am just one; trying to make a small difference in the world.  To serve God and bring encouragement to others with His Word. 

Certainly, Friends have been plentiful these past few months.  God has placed people in my path that I can only refer to as my Earthly "angels".  Yes, they help guide me when I stray from God's plan.  They reach out when I am sad.  They pray for me and offer encouragement.  They build me up and keep me in a positive frame of mind.  It would be so easy to become bitter and unforgiving.  Fortunately, that has not happened.  Again, by the grace of God.  It is through my friends that I see I am living a life that others only dream of.  It is not filled with the material but rather the spiritual.  Most importantly, love.  And yes, I do feel it; some days it is overwhelming because I know that God is with me and putting these folks in my life exactly when I need them. 

As you can see, my Faith is never lagging.  Yes, I do go through periods where I do not read the Bible as I should or fall asleep when I pray.  I am working to be more disciplined in that regard.  I am signing up for a year-long course with studies in the Old and New Testament, apologetics, spiritual formation and other areas of Christianity.  It will not be easy with my schedule and will most likely fall on a night when I have to tutor after work, but it is a "must do" in my mind.  And once I commit, I do not back down regardless of how difficult it is to do.

And then, there's Family.  I have been blessed this year with the birth of another grandchild.  I now have five grandchildren.  Each one is different and yet, brings life full circle.  I see them and am reminded of my own children when they were that age.  My grown children continue to support me and help me as I continue my life journey.  Like my grandchildren, each one brings something different to the table.  It amazes me how each is raised in the same home, yet each one different and offers incredible insight at different times; times when I so desperately need to hear something from them.  Again, no doubt a God thing.  The bottom line is they are my everything.

So, in re-evaluating my Oola Plan, I see some areas that continue to need improvement.  I know this is not a year or two plan but an ongoing life plan; one that requires long-term planning, commitment and action.  Oola has changed my life in ways I cannot even describe.  I am a completely different person than I was a year and a half ago.  I am living my dreams.  It is possible as long as you have the guts to dream it, believe it, and do it!  Thank you, OolaGuys!  You have changed my world!