It's been a little over a year since I began this blog. I'm not sure that people understand why I began writing -- I'm not even sure I understand it. I can tell you this. It was not a way to get back at my ex. I have, in fact, been accused of that by others. I've also had men who are reluctant to date me for fear they will end up on here. Truth is, I write about my life. If you happen to be in my life, then you may find yourself on the pages of it. However, I always try to write a positive message. Even from the negative -- I want to know, what have I learned and how can I inspire others from my experiences? I not only want to experience life but also, need to process it. Writing is my way of doing so.
Back in 2007, as my mother lay in her hospital bed dying from lung cancer, I had a meditation on my heart. It was "Lord have mercy upon us, Christ have mercy upon us, Lord have mercy upon us." It was something I had said many times in church. I repeated it over and over in my head for hours. I don't know why I had that on my heart. When I have looked it up on the Internet, this is what it is used for in a church service:
"As a sung prayer for mercy in the service of confession and forgiveness; as part of a litany, sung after each petition (as in the oldest traditions); as a frame around spoken prayers."
--Psalter Hymnal Handbook
At the time, I didn't know why I was meditating on that; only that it brought me comfort. Looking at her in that bed, tiny and frail, was almost more than I could bear. And then, I heard the voice of God telling me that I was to go into ministry and it would, cost me $100,000. Crazy, right? Not only does God give me a command but a price tag to boot! Still, I knew I was not imagining this. I felt incredible peace at the time.
I wracked my brain for years trying to sort out the meaning of God's message. I thought perhaps it had something to do with cancer patients. I was in school at the time, trying to finish up my teaching credentials and master's degree. I didn't really feel like finishing my degree, but I did. I came to Las Vegas and one of my church pastors suggested to me that I become a deacon. I spent a couple of years researching that possibility but it was never quite a fit. Was I to become a pastor? No. As I settled into life in Las Vegas, and just began living, I found out that my ministry is exactly what I am doing now. Teaching, writing and I believe, one day reaching out to congregations and giving my testimony. Truth is, right now I am $100,000 in debt with student loans. It is, I believe, coming to fruition. It is not anything that I thought it would be. It is His vision, not mine. That's sort of how we know we are in His will; because we cannot even imagine it! And yet, as time goes on, He will reveal it. But, you have to be willing and open to receive it.
My blog has touched the hearts of thousands of people on six continents -- six! I say that, not to boast but rather, to give glory to Him. I frankly, am quite incredulous at the enormity and impact that it has had on others. I have been told by others how it has encouraged them; which is, in my mind, the purpose of it. I write from the living room of my little rental condo and yet, it has gone worldwide. But that's not why I do it. As I write, I feel closer to Him. The words spill from my fingertips. It is a feeling unlike any I have ever known; indescribable. These are not my words but His.
I used to ask God, "Why me? Why can't I have a 'normal' life?" He has answered me. He has used all my experiences so that I could write them down and help those that need it the most. He has also used my love for Him as an example of how to live for Him. I write because He has given me courage, strength and a will to speak out when others are too afraid or ashamed to do so. I say what's in my spirit despite the risk of losing those closest to me. I do it because I love Him. If Christ could die for me, why would I not be willing to do what He asks? His will be done -- not mine.
This past year and a half has been one of change for me. I went from being a housewife, mother and teacher just trying to get through my days, to one who lifts up others and makes the most of my time left here on Earth. I feel your pain. I know your hopelessness. I also know your dreams. I hear you wanting to change and not knowing how. I have lived it. I am here to tell you, if I can do all things through Christ, so can you. Open your hearts. Reach out to Him. Discover His plan and purpose for your life. How is He using your experiences to help others? Allow Him to work in your heart and be the catalyst for change. Be in His will -- not yours --and watch the blessings flow.
" Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)
Link to song "Not Guilty" by Mandisa
http://youtu.be/S7fokl9riJ0
No comments:
Post a Comment