Suicide

The past few months, we have seen headlines about celebrities taking their own lives.  Yesterday, I was reminded of my own father's suicide.  I felt it when talking with a student.

I had a sense (call me an empath) that something was going on with this student.  Answers to my questions rang in my head to memories of my own dad's suicide.  Yesterday, she told me she was moving and going to a new school.  She handed me paperwork for her IEP which was signed.  I asked her, "What about your IEP?"  She told me, "They'll do it at the new school".   I gave her a hug and said I hoped she'd feel better (as I had heard rumors things were not good with her).   I took the paperwork she handed me.  The bell had rung and so, I had to get to my class.  

Her answers didn't sound right to me and bothered me during that class.  Why give me the paperwork?  About halfway through class, I checked them.  They were signed by the parents saying they would attend the mid-October meeting.  It didn't add up.  Much like my dad's words did the night he took his own life.

I wrote my supervisor who told me she was in attendance.  I paid a trip to the counselor.  I showed him the paperwork.  He said he would talk to her.  I watched attendance all day and she remained in school.  Monday she is supposed to be in my class.  I hope that she is.

You see, when you have lived through someone taking their own life, you become hyper-vigilant to those around you.  Myself, I had suicidal ideations after my divorce because of my debt.  I had an old prescription of Xanax with maybe 100+ pills in it.  Every night, I wrestled with myself. Yet,  I couldn't  bring myself to throw those pills away, nor could I tell anyone as I knew I would be hospitalized and I needed to work to keep a roof over my head and my boys' heads.

I know what darkness and despair feels like.  And yet, despite my sorrow and guilt I felt after my dad's suicide, it is probably what kept me alive.  After his death, there were a million unanswered questions.  I didn't want my own children to go through that.  Eventually, I threw the pills away but it was more than a year later.

And so, if you have any questions about why someone is saying something...talk with them.  You never know what they are thinking.  And if they have wrestled with suicide and are suddenly happy, don't think their depression is over.  It may just mean they have made the decision to do it.

I write this piece for all the teachers who say, "It's none of my business."  I write it for those who have contemplated it.  I write it for those who may contemplate it.  Most of all, I write it for those who have gone through it with a friend or relative.  It is probably one of the hardest things to heal from -- yet, our experiences can be used to help others find their way.  If you suspect someone may be having suicidal ideations, get them help.  You may be their only lifeline.

Love

What is love?  Is it the passion we feel when we are in the arms of another? Holding hands?  Hugs?  Cleaning the house?  Or is it something deeper than that?   I am blown away, quite frankly, by my husband's continued acts of love.

Let me take you back...2013.  Divorced, broke and deeply in debt.  2014.  Began dating.  Ah, love conquers all...or does it?  You see, the moment any man heard of my debt, they ran.  Like scared bunnies.  Not this one.  He hung around.  In fact, he actively pursued me.  Personally, I was just looking for a guy to have coffee with...a movie partner.  Nothing serious -- just, a friend.  But this guy, he was different.  He went all out for me.  Movie partner extraordinaire.

This past Labor Day, we talked about budgets.  We've talked about it on and off over the past year but this time he wanted to see my numbers.  We worked together.  His debt left over from his wife's illness at an early age (and no health insurance), cremation and move here.  Mine -- 200K left in student loans for 3 kids, ex-husband and myself.  Not pretty....I told him, if he sold his house and we moved to a two bedroom apartment (a huge sacrifice)  he could be completely out of debt and my debt could probably be knocked out in five years.  To be sure, I called all the student loan companies.  It was true.  My figures with us in an apartment were accurate.  And so, he decided to put his house up for sale.

It sold in five days, with us taking the first offer that was originally put out there.  I just know this is the perfect place for them.  And so, we are off on a new adventure.  In thirty days, his debt will be paid off completely.  Two credit cards will be cut up with one for emergencies.  We should even have a small savings for emergencies.

This, my friends, is love.  Although scary for him, he wants to do it.  He confessed this is the first time in his life he has never had an investment.  True.  But we will be living in a place that has racquetball courts, a game room, two swimming pools and a gym.  Granted, it's less privacy but it's also, in some ways, freeing.  Year-round resort living.  No major expenses to worry about such as the A/C needing to be replaced or the washer breaking down.

Today, I begin de-cluttering; a huge task since I never got through it when I moved here.  I figured we'd be here forever.  Truthfully, still no rush.  I have two months -- but it is time to begin.  What to do with our six Monopoly games, my collection for when the kids come?  Truth is, they haven't been to Vegas since 2010 or so.  I'm guessing with 8 grandchildren between them, it won't happen for awhile.  Now, the hard decisions (okay maybe not so hard) begin.

And so, to all of you men who ran away because you were not man enough to love someone left with  debt, I say, good riddance.  It is being there with someone through the hard times that matters.  That's when you reach out and hold on tight.  That's the kind of love you can't find in the movies. That's forever.

Blessings

Earthquakes.  Hurricanes.  Protests.  Nuclear launches.  What are we to think of all this?  I know I stopped watching the news long ago, but when Hurricane Irma was headed to Florida's coast, I had to turn it on.  I had far too many friends living there.

Lately, the song "Blessings" by Laura Story has been playing.  It was my "go to" song during my divorce.  I shed many a tear to it.  I think about all the people left behind by the death and devastation.  Many people cry out and say, "Where is God?" during all of this.

Truth be told, I believe he is right there; holding the hands of those left behind.  Many argue,  "He can't be found."  I completely disagree.  Think about the world events just before all of this.  Arguing, name-calling, hate.

Then, something happened.  A storm.  People came out to help others.  Stories of help began to take over the news.  In spite of all the death and destruction, there was a light in the darkness.  Hope.  Love. Healing.  A chance to start over.

I believe God is speaking to us.  He does it daily but this is our wake-up call.  It is time to start focusing on the positive.  It is time to love others -- even those who don't "fit the mold".  God created us in His image.  We are ALL his masterpiece.

Love.  Give.  Help.  Pray.

I hope this gives you a sense of Hope. Healing. Encouragement.

Go out and be reminded that you too can be a blessing.


link to "Blessings" by Laura Story

https://youtu.be/XQan9L3yXjc