On Being Bankrupt

The other day, the judge ruled in my favor for the Chapter 13 bankruptcy!  Congratulations!  You're insolvent! 

Somehow, I never imagined myself at 55 years of age going through this; in fact, it should never have happened.  I should never have allowed it to happen.   However, it is the culmination of my complacency in a marriage that was long over and a manipulative husband that got me into this position.  I can't do much about the past but I can now, move forward.

So, what does this mean for me?  Personally?  I feel like a failure.  I come from an upper-middle class family and I am truly, not in a place that would make anyone proud.  It was, in fact, my pride which kept me from filing bankruptcy sooner.  I kept thinking if I worked hard enough and long enough, I could pay off my debt.  I couldn't.  And the truth is, as much as I wanted to, I didn't really want to die trying.  And so, I cried "Uncle!"

It also means that I have, for now, relinquished my finances to an advocate.  They will pay my creditors every month for the next five years.  I can't make enough money to have a savings account -- any financial changes are reported to the court.  It is, a guardianship, in my humble opinion.  To me, it's like someone going to court to have you committed but you're sane; yet, you can't prove it.  That's what it feels like to me.  I have to be okay with that. 

The credit score I worked so hard to improve is now down to the lowest level it can possibly be; any gains I made over the past two years have been erased.  I suppose in five years, my credit will look better.  I will now only have student loans plus the interest that is being piled on; I can only imagine what my payments will be like in five years!  I choose not to think about it.

I cannot get married should I want to, as my spouse would then shoulder and be responsible with me for my debt.  You see, both our incomes would be subject to increasing the payment to the courts.  It would definitely be unfair for me to ever expect another to help clean up my financial mess.

I do accept responsibility for my complacency.  I lost hope somewhere in my marriage and "couldn't see the forest for the trees."  I made the mistake of  handing over my finances to another person-- at the end of the day,  people are people and greed is greed. 

I am sad yet determined.  I will get up and dust myself off once again.  I write in hopes that the sting of this will lessen.  Despite my circumstances, I understand that God has more to teach me.  I relish the lessons that are learned and the knowledge that is gained.  This journey has not been easy but I realize despite it all, I am blessed.  It may sound cliché but I have my health, family and friends.  I am ever grateful for those who have surrounded me with love and prayer.  I'm also grateful to God - because although money comes and goes, my faith is the one thing that can never be taken away from me.  At the end of this day, I thank God for His faithfulness, His grace, His mercy.  I am grateful...and have faith! 

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Well, here it is, three months into my new way of life and I am down 21 pounds.  It is nice to fit into clothes that have been hanging in my closet for the past two years -- definitely expands my wardrobe on my budget.  More importantly, it shows me what can be done when following the right eating plan for my age.  There are, however, some rules to this new way of eating.  I'm going to share a few with you!

Back when I was in my thirties, there was an eating plan that prescribed eating low fat foods.  Bread was low fat, so this definitely worked to my benefit.  I ate all sorts of carb-laden food and exercised.  However, that type of diet would never work for me now.  My metabolism after four children has come to a grinding halt!   Also, so many additives have been put into our foods that it can still be non-fat while highly processed and laden with sugar.

In fact, as much knowledge as I have, the food companies still "got one over" on me this week-end!   On Friday, I was craving yogurt, so I bought a 100 calorie Greek yogurt.  Healthy, right?  WRONG!  The problem is, it has 14 grams of carbs and is loaded with sugar.  I didn't realize at the time that non-fat and 100 calories were mutually exclusive and in fact, was not good for me at all, given the number of carbs.  Rule 1:   Read ALL of the label WITH your glasses on...lesson learned!

I've also learned Rule 2:  Don't become complacent about losing the weight.  I will give you an example.  My boyfriend likes to take me out to dinner on the week-ends.  We tend to have a drink or two with dinner.  Although great fun, it slows my weight loss and I dare say, the reason for two or three-week long plateaus.  So, with new resolve, I have decided to forego happy hour and see how my weight loss progresses.  I'm betting it will speed up dramatically, making me far happier than any cocktail  ever could! 

Rule 3: Set a tangible goal.  Not, I'd like to lose "X" pounds by XYZ date.  No -- you need to say, I will lose "X" pounds by XYZ date.  For me, that goal is 15 pounds by the end of October.  That is 3 pounds a week and very doable in my estimation.  I will be cutting it close to reaching my goal of 50 pounds by the time OolaPalooza 2015 comes to town.  October will be the "make or break it" month because that only leaves me November to get to the goal.

Rule 4:  Plan ahead!  Next week-end, I have a birthday party to attend at one of my favorite restaurants.  Instead of BBQ ribs which I love, I will be having chicken.  They also have a fabulous watermelon tea, which I will be drinking.  More importantly, I will be enjoying the evening with a group of my closest friends.  I am especially looking forward to our time together.  As you have probably noticed, losing weight is no small feat!  I am planning the menu a week in advance; that, is commitment. 

My boyfriend has asked me, "Are you losing the weight for Oola?"  No, not at all.  I'm losing the weight for me!  Oola has, however, given me the tools for how to succeed.  It's about balancing my life.  I've also learned that it's ok to put myself first -- I have put everyone else first over the years, and while that served its purpose, it is no longer okay. It's loving myself enough to realize that I am worth being healthy.  It is those thoughts that drive me toward the results I am experiencing.

And so, I know I have a cheerleading squad of some 37,000+ folks all over the world who are reading this blog.  I also have a team closer to home that are not only encouraging me on but guiding me along this journey.  I also just have to look at the faces of my loved ones to keep my commitment strong.  This has truly been a journey -- one that is getting me closer to being healthier.  Truth is, my "real" goal is not just to be down 50 pounds by December.  Honestly?   My goal is to dance at my grandchildren's wedding!   Now, that's a commitment worth keeping!

On Broken Hearts

Yesterday my heart was broken.  Yes, it was a bad break-up...nothing that could, in my estimation, save the relationship.  It is the most serious relationship I've been in since I was married.  I didn't really want to be in a deep relationship because I know all too well, the sting of a bad outcome.  It hurts and it's hard to get over.  But, I followed my friends' advice and my heart and went for it.

There was a huge learning curve on my part, since I'd never really been in a "normal" relationship.  My marriage was extremely dysfunctional.  I knew it would be difficult and I warned the gentleman that he was going to have to be patient -- very patient, since for all intents and purposes, I was learning how to love someone.

I know that sounds strange, since I grew up loving my family and children.  However, I never had a relationship modeled by my parents.  Nor did I have a "normal" marriage.  And so, with all the parameters in place, our relationship grew.  It grew quicker than I anticipated but again, I was okay with that; time is our friend, and I knew that if the relationship withstood the test of time, it was for keeps.

We talked marriage and all of our hopes and dreams.  It seemed to be a perfect relationship.  I was happy, he was happy.  We hit a few rough patches -- again, because I didn't really understand how relationships worked.  I was in a "fight-or-flight" mode for the first three months or so.  Then, I figured out that communication has to take place.  That certainly made all the difference and our lives settled down happily.

Yesterday, we hit an impasse.  It was something neither of us could change.  It is who we are inherently as people and as such, we either have to accept it and be okay with it or move on.  We both chose to move on.

It saddens me that this relationship did not go the distance but I also know that had I stayed,  it would be destined for disaster.  There are some things you can fix and other things you can't fix.  Having been through a bad marriage,  I know what can be fixed.  I would also refer back to 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 which says,

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (NIV) 

Did he fit the definition?  No -- but neither did I.  I see exactly where I fell short.  Yes, that is God's definition of love.  If you are seeing someone and you can put their name in place of love, and they fit that description?  Congratulations!  You got the prize!  If not, keep looking.  Seek Him first....the rest will fall into place.

"Blessings" by Laura Story
https://youtu.be/XQan9L3yXjc

All in a Day's Work

The last two weeks have been CRAZY!  I have returned to work at my former elementary school as a resource teacher for grades 3-5.  Resource at our school means we work both in the classroom and in other teachers' classrooms in order to provide additional support to students to help them be successful.
 
Although I was used to this school, I had not been there for two years and there were some changes.  There was no master schedule -- rather, the teachers were making their own schedules.  This would not normally be a problem but this year was a little different; we have become a fine arts academy.  As a result, we lose 2 hours on Wednesday afternoon in order for our students to attend workshops in areas of their choosing; painting, writing, music or some other area of creativity.  I love the idea and truly believe our students will benefit!  In a day and age where arts are being cut, we are boldly moving forward and putting our thumbs to our noses to those who have believed we need to focus strictly on academics.  Additionally, all of  the teachers in my building work an additional 20 minutes per day without pay and teaching classes we normally wouldn't teach.  For example, I'm teaching first grade music, which is a little crazy when you consider my action research project for my Master's degree was music and its effects on student learning.  Oh, and my statistical work was done using a first grade class.  Just another example of how God makes these "little" things happen!

Now, back to reality.  In order to make sure students do not miss their regular specials (art, music, library and PE), each classroom has a rotating schedule -- A-E and F1-F5 days.  I work with seven teachers and each has a different schedule on different days and I had to figure out how my aide and  I were going to see the kids for the required minutes per week in their IEP's, which is a legally binding document.  That's my reality.  Let me tell you, it took quite a bit of prayer AND finagling!

The first week, my brain was on overload.  New job, new schedules, teaching first grade music on our fine arts day(!) -- how could I make this work?  I took a few deep breaths on the days I was completely overwhelmed and just stopped thinking.  I did things I knew how to do such as figure out my caseload, determine dates for IEP's and make lesson plans.  This time, I handed it all to God and left it at His feet.  You see, there are times that we take our problems and give them to God but then, we immediately take them back and worry some more.  This time, I had no solution.  It seemed impossible.  I was forced to take a step back.

One day, while enjoying a beautifully breezy day outside, I thought to myself -- I love to watch the kids run.  I don't know why, but it is so much more normal (in my humble opinion) than sitting in front of a TV playing computer games.  They are incredibly joyful as they play tag, soccer, or even just running while holding the ends of a jump rope.  They are using their imaginations to the -nth degree as they play.  And so, I began to use my imagination, and allowed my mind to wander a bit.  I thought, hmmm...I need a giant calendar; one that I can wipe off to figure out these schedules.  Yes, if I have that, I can change out the schedules every month to match the days.  When I went in, I shared my idea with the other resource teacher who thought me brilliant!  Honestly, I can't take the credit -- I'm certain this one was from God.  You see, when you allow Him to take control, He WILL come through.

We set to work and ordered the calendars.  Yesterday was a professional development day and yes, we completed the schedules.  Although we had quasi-schedules made previously and were testing them out throughout the week, our final schedule was finished yesterday.  It works!  Although exhausted, we left feeling quite happy that we had accomplished so much!

The moral of this story?  Be patient and listen for God's leading.  I could have allowed myself to become ridiculously anxious  and overwhelmed.  I won't deny there were days I wanted to run away!  However, on a rational level, I knew for every problem, there is a solution.  Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and look at the problem again; allow our minds to wander and think out of the box.  It's what we ask our students to do everyday; problem solve and daily application.  Why should it be any different for us?

So these past two weeks have been the start of what I anticipate to be a learning curve for this next year.  I did not bring work home this week-end.  Rather, I am using the days to gather my thoughts and rest my body, I am grateful to God for the job I have, the people I work with and the students that I have the opportunity to serve.  Having been in elementary, gone to high school and back, I realize I have found my niche in working with elementary students.  Their smiles bring great joy to my heart.  It is the place where I am happiest!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7