On Being Bankrupt

The other day, the judge ruled in my favor for the Chapter 13 bankruptcy!  Congratulations!  You're insolvent! 

Somehow, I never imagined myself at 55 years of age going through this; in fact, it should never have happened.  I should never have allowed it to happen.   However, it is the culmination of my complacency in a marriage that was long over and a manipulative husband that got me into this position.  I can't do much about the past but I can now, move forward.

So, what does this mean for me?  Personally?  I feel like a failure.  I come from an upper-middle class family and I am truly, not in a place that would make anyone proud.  It was, in fact, my pride which kept me from filing bankruptcy sooner.  I kept thinking if I worked hard enough and long enough, I could pay off my debt.  I couldn't.  And the truth is, as much as I wanted to, I didn't really want to die trying.  And so, I cried "Uncle!"

It also means that I have, for now, relinquished my finances to an advocate.  They will pay my creditors every month for the next five years.  I can't make enough money to have a savings account -- any financial changes are reported to the court.  It is, a guardianship, in my humble opinion.  To me, it's like someone going to court to have you committed but you're sane; yet, you can't prove it.  That's what it feels like to me.  I have to be okay with that. 

The credit score I worked so hard to improve is now down to the lowest level it can possibly be; any gains I made over the past two years have been erased.  I suppose in five years, my credit will look better.  I will now only have student loans plus the interest that is being piled on; I can only imagine what my payments will be like in five years!  I choose not to think about it.

I cannot get married should I want to, as my spouse would then shoulder and be responsible with me for my debt.  You see, both our incomes would be subject to increasing the payment to the courts.  It would definitely be unfair for me to ever expect another to help clean up my financial mess.

I do accept responsibility for my complacency.  I lost hope somewhere in my marriage and "couldn't see the forest for the trees."  I made the mistake of  handing over my finances to another person-- at the end of the day,  people are people and greed is greed. 

I am sad yet determined.  I will get up and dust myself off once again.  I write in hopes that the sting of this will lessen.  Despite my circumstances, I understand that God has more to teach me.  I relish the lessons that are learned and the knowledge that is gained.  This journey has not been easy but I realize despite it all, I am blessed.  It may sound cliché but I have my health, family and friends.  I am ever grateful for those who have surrounded me with love and prayer.  I'm also grateful to God - because although money comes and goes, my faith is the one thing that can never be taken away from me.  At the end of this day, I thank God for His faithfulness, His grace, His mercy.  I am grateful...and have faith!