Living the Dream

Last night I did something I had dreamt of for an incredibly long time....I submitted a manuscript for a book I wrote to my publisher.  What a thrill and yet, when I pushed the "send" button on my e-mail, all I wanted to do was sleep.  It was only 9:00 PM, and yet, I was exhausted.

I am, living the dream.  It is the culmination of doing what I believe is God's will.  Yet in the process, has lifted the cover off many taboo subjects and I'm not sure how my family and friends will react.  I'm scared and yet, in my mind it is a "must do". 

Reading and re-reading the manuscript to make sure it was as perfect as I could make it before submitting it was exhausting.  The original draft took a week -- not terribly long as I'd had most of the book in my head.  I waited a month, then read it again.  I then passed it to two trusted people to edit.  From there, I re-read it three times for final editing.  That was the most difficult part, as it was reliving my experiences over and over again.  It is hard to face the past.  And yet, I know in my heart that the past does not predict the outcome of one's future.  Far from it.  This is a story of hope.   A tale of God's love.  How we can be guided by His presence in our lives, even when we can't feel it or see it.  We just have to believe it and have faith. 

As I read my manuscript, I couldn't believe what I had written.  Some things I had forgotten about; even from the rough draft to the editing process.  How is that possible within a month or two?  Yet, I know with God, all things are possible.  You see, I believe the Holy Spirit guides my writing.  He is there, whispering in my ear and telling me what to say.  He is my editor -- the Editor.  Without Him, I would not possess this gift that He has given me; the ability to express myself on paper.

And so, I hope this book will be read with the purpose for which it is intended .  I want people to know that God is with Us -- Emmanuel.  He is our healer-- Jehovah-Raha .  He is our provider -- Johovah-Jireh.  He is the Word.  He is the Alpha and Omega -- our everything from beginning to end.  And so, it was and is my intent to not just be a witness to God's power but to allow others to feel His hand on them.  I pray that He blesses this project -- not for financial gain but to further His kingdom.

This book is not about me but about glorifying Him.  I want others to know that God is real, that He is present and He loves us even more than we can imagine.  I also want others to understand that He ultimately guides our path.  So, I have aptly named the book, "Not My Own".  I don't believe we are our own -- nor should we be.  He is our source and strength.  And we should act in accordance with His will, despite the fact that we can indeed, live by our own will.

I don't have the answers as to why bad things happen to people who don't deserve it.   I only know that sometimes they do.  But, don't make the mistake of blaming God.  He doesn't promise a perfect life but He does promise to walk with us throughout life's journeys.  The lesson of this story is to discern His will for your life.  In order to do so, we need to read His holy words; do your actions align with His word or not?  If they don't then rethink what you are doing.  If you are unable to discern His will then talk with other Christians; God can use them to help us discern His will when we are too blind or stubborn to see what He wants for our life.   Often, your Christian friends can help you with the discernment process.  They can ask you the hard questions and get to the heart of the matter.  Finally, always remember that God loves you -- more than you can imagine.  It is with that intent that I hope you will read, "Not My Own."  For we truly aren't our own -- we're His.  Knowing that offers comfort, peace and a sense of Truth.  It is where we ultimately belong -- in His loving arms.

God's Work

The are times in your life where you are completely blown away by a piece of art, a book, a movie, or in this case, a play.  I just finished watching one such play called "God's Work".  It's the story of a family, steeped in abuse; all in the name of God.  It is a play that not only shows the horror and tragedy that this family suffered at the hands of a madman but the indomitable strength of the human spirit.

I learned about this play from a friend.  This is a play written by after his adult sister recounted the abuse in their lives to someone; yes, it is a true story.   Many times, people say to me, I don't know how you did it -- how you came through everything you have been through.  Trust me; my story pales in comparison. No, this was a tale of more than abuse; and as I later learned, the father did ultimately go to jail, though surprisingly, on very minor charges and for a short time.  No fairy tale endings here.

The young man I know is a genteel sort.  The kind of person with a smile on his face all the time.  He is inquisitive and loves to read.  I know him and yet, I have learned more about his life in this past seventy minutes than in the time I've known him.  I cannot wrap my brain around the person he is and where he came from.  He broke free from a life in prison to go to college and obtain his Master's degree.  He loves to work with at-risk youth.  One would never know of his dark past.

He possesses an inner strength that ultimately broke the cycle of abuse.  He was the catalyst for the end of it all.  Yet, he was a teenager at the time; fourteen years old.  Somehow, he found the courage to go head-to-head with his father.  His father never touched him again.

It's interesting...the children went to school and yet, despite their horrific bruising and blackened nails, no one questioned what happened to them.  Social workers checked out their home.  They were a family that fell through the cracks.  How is that possible with sixteen children?  How is it possible that this type of abuse could go on for so many years without being detected? 

It makes me wonder, as I'm sure it does you; Where was God?  Why does He allow such horrific things to happen, particularly to children?  It sounds so trite to say that it is for His glory.  After all, what glory is there in children being locked in a basement for years, having horrid acts of abuse perpetrated on them, while being told to memorize Scripture?  Where is God's glory in that?

Yet, I see the monumental strength it took to take back their life at such a young age, and turn the tables against someone who had such an incredibly evil hold on them.  It took an act of God; a miracle.  And yes, I believe it was that. God's hand was truly in that child's heart and spirit. 
Despite all of this, does this young man have a faith in God?  Yes, and he maintains that his faith helped get him through this time in his life.

So what is the lesson in all of this?  Is there one?   If nothing else, it shows that good ultimately triumphs over evil.  I believe, God walks with us through even the worst of times.  He is there to pick us up; if not through someone else, then solely, by His means.  It is clear that He watched over these children and has helped those who wish to, forge a new life.  Clearly, they went through the fires of hell.  Yet, they were refined in some way; small pieces of gold.  Treasures. 

We can never understand why they were put through such hardship.  However, I do know they have giving spirits and choose to use them to show how faith in Him has sustained them; that their past does not have to define their future.  Most of all, God shows me through this story that the human spirit is stronger than we are capable of imagining.  The very spirit that God created.

So as I dry my tears and put away the DVD, I am left with a feeling of new-found closeness to my friend.  For having the courage to share his story with me and even more so, for entrusting me to write this blog about it. 

If by chance this play happens your way, go see it.  The choreography is superb and the story, unimaginable.  It is disturbing and yet, a visual masterpiece.  It is hard for me to describe.  Just know that it is indeed, God's work. 

Link to review and portion of play:


http://www.elbeisman.com/article.php?action=read&id=151

A Day in the Life

"I'm a dirty, little Mexican!"  Words spoken by a child that broke my heart today.  A child incredibly broken by the world.  I ask myself, "Who tells him these things?  Where does this sort of language come from?"  My aide tells me, "His classmates."   I'm speechless but not terribly surprised.  He has a poor self-image and acts out as a result.
  
I have taken an interest in this boy.  He struggles with doing the right thing; such things most children do automatically such as behaving in class, doing his school work and functioning in life.  His teachers have written him off.  Granted, he does make me a bit crazy most days.  He slides his foot across the floor to make his shoes squeak.  He acts like a "badass" despite the fact he's probably shorter than my 5'2".  He talks tough like a "gangsta" yet,  he lives in one of the more affluent suburbs.  And yet, I see promise.  He is funny and I believe, bright.

I spoke with him before spring break.  I told him that I thought he could finish high school and get his diploma.  And the truth is, I believe he can.  None of his other teachers believe it, but I do.  I have seen it done before.  I used to have a class full of kiddos like him. All of them not only graduated but  went on to have success in their life; whether it was a job, a trade school or community college.  These were kids general education teachers would write off as "punks".  Yes, this one is a "punk", too.  But he's smart.  Street smart and I believe, much brighter than he is given credit for.  He has played the system for a long time -- and the system is failing him.

My class is the only class he is passing.  I have a simple requirement; do your work.  You can listen to your cell phone, use a calculator, use whatever means is necessary; but you must complete the task at hand.  I'm the only teacher he will do work for; a miracle from God because for some reason, he relates to me.  He is willing to do what I ask him to do.  He is also willing to listen to my advice.

I have listened to conversations about this boy from counselors, special educators and general education teachers.  The words are not kind.  He is not a student they wish to be bothered with; and that bothers me.  I understand that classes are large.  In a classroom of thirty-five kids, he would be a major disruption.  Yet, I also know that you should never give up on a child.  I pick my battles; I can look at a child and see whether or not there is promise. I won't throw "good money after bad"; I need to save my strength for those that really need it and are willing to take the help I offer.   However, I also do not judge a child until I have personally worked with them; and not just for a day or two.  I'm talking a few months.   It is then that I am able to determine who they are;  if they are even accepting of praise.  Some kids make me wonder, "Have they ever been praised?  Or have they only been criticized and condemned?"  I would say the majority in my special education classes have been the latter. It makes me sad.

Last night I cried.  I cried for the way this boy has been treated.  I cried because I feel his pain.  I cried because I see the way others talk about him. I cried because God put him in my care.  I also cried because he is now willing to come to my class after school and make up all the work he has missed.  I cried out of frustration because despite his efforts, he may not pass his classes due to so many absences.  I cried because I believe I am making a small difference in his life.

That's right ....the boy who has no interest in school, is now coming to my class and spending extra time to make up his work.  He can do it -- he just needs it explained to him.  It's a little extra help.     He also just needs the reassurance that someone in that room cares and does not judge him.

I was told my first year of teaching that I care too much; that I would burn out if I continued to care as much as I did.  As a result, I pulled back a bit.  Yes, I am still passionate about these children but it is a job that can, at times, be overwhelming.

 I don't share this story to praise myself ; rather, I do it to point the finger at our educational system and at the teachers who have become so jaded that they cannot see a child's eyes or heart. I point the finger at those who would rather just collect their salary and go home at the end of the day.  Frankly, I would love to do that, too.  But I have committed to staying late 2-3 days a week to help these kids in whatever way they need it.  If I don't do it, who will?  There are several like myself.  Each has their own reason for staying late.  I personally, just want a child to know that help is available.  All they have to do is ask.

Granted, I have only been at this six years and not twenty-six years but I'd like to think that I will never give up on a child; especially one that needs someone in their corner.  As special educators, we are told that we need to advocate for these children.  Where are these advocates?  Surely, I'm not the only one...if we don't stand up to the teachers who give up on these kids, then who will help them get through the system?  Who will help them advocate for themselves?

I truly believe it is our responsibility to encourage these children.  We don't know their home life, we don't know what they face in school all day; we only know what we see for that fifty minutes a day.  When I look in the face of a child, I see a person.  I see possibility.  I see their future.  Is it going to be jail?  Unemployment?  A life of misery?  Or am I going to do my best to encourage a child through their struggles in life and offer them hope?  A way to support themselves?  Help them to understand that school is a means to an end?   That school is their priority; their future.

I don't know how many educators will read this but I hope that it convicts those who have looked past a child because they do not conform to their world;  that the Holy Spirit will nudge them into action.  I am no saint; far from it.  I am "only"  a teacher.  I offer an education.  I offer encouragement.  I offer children peace and hope. Can those of you that share in this profession say the same?

And So It Begins: Maundy Thursday

Maundy Thursday -- a day of remembrance.  It is the day our Lord Jesus Christ was led to the slaughter like a lamb. 

Yesterday, I travelled from my hometown to Las Vegas.  It was a 3+ hour flight.  I was tired. I'd slept fitfully for the past few nights.  Yet, I knew last night I needed to go to church.  It is not a celebration but rather a remembrance of our Lord.   Jesus being betrayed; the final pronouncement of his "guilt".  It was the "perfect storm" and yet, planned from the beginning of time.  Last night was a time of reflection; for what have we done to deserve God's grace and mercy, poured out in the sacrificial blood of our Savior? 

Our Scripture was from John 13: 1-35. (The Message) "Just before the Passover Feast, Jesus knew that the time had come to leave this world to go to the Father.  Having loved his dear companions, he continued to love them right to the end.  It was suppertime.  The Devil by now had Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot, firmly in his grip, all set for the betrayal.

Jesus knew that the Father had put him in complete charge of everything, that he came from God and was on his way back to God.  So he got up from the supper table, set aside his robe, and put on an apron.  Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of his disciples, drying them with his apron.  When he got to Simon Peter, Peter said, "Master, you wash my feet?"

Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing but it will be clear enough to you later."

Peter persisted, "You're not going to wash my feet -- ever!"

Jesus said, "If I don't wash you, you can't be part of what I'm doing."

"Master!" said Peter.  "not only my feet, then.  Wash my hands!  Wash my head!"

Jesus said, "If you've had a bath in the morning, you only need your feet washed now and you're clean from head to toe.  My concern, you understand, is holiness, not hygiene.  So now you're clean.  but not every one of you." (He knew who was betraying him.  That's why he said, "Not every one of you.")  After he had finished washing their feet, he took his robe, put it back on, and went back to his place at the table.

Then he said, "Do you understand what I have done to you?  You address me as 'Teacher' and 'Master, ' and rightly so.  That is what I am.  So if I, the Master and Teacher, washed your feet, you must now wash each other's feet.  I've laid down a pattern for you.  What I've done, you do.  I'm only pointing out the obvious.  A servant is not ranked above his master; an employee doesn't give orders to the employer.  If you understand what I'm telling you, act like it--and live a blessed life."

"I'm not including all of you in this.  I know precisely whom I've selected, so as not to interfere with the fulfillment of this Scripture:  The one who ate bread at my table turned on his heel against me."

"I'm telling you all this ahead of time so that when it happens you will believe that I am who I say I am.  Make sure you get this right:  Receiving someone I send is the same as receiving me, just as receiving me is the same as receiving the One who sent me."

After he said these things, Jesus became visibly upset, and then he told them why.  "One of you is going to betray me."

The disciples looked around at one another, wondering who on earth he was talking about.  One of the disciples, the one Jesus loved dearly, was reclining against him, his head on his shoulder.  Peter motioned to him to ask who Jesus might be talking about.  So, being the closest, he said, "Master, who?"

Jesus said, "The one to whom I give this crust of bread after I've dipped it."  Then he dipped the crust and gave it to Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot.  As soon as the bread was in his hand, Satan entered him.

"What you must do," said Jesus, "do.  Do it and get it over with."

No one around the supper table knew why he said this to him. Some thought that since Judas was their treasurer, Jesus was telling him to buy what they needed for the Feast, or that he should give something to the poor.

Judas with the piece of bread, left.  It was night.

When he had let, Jesus said, "Now the Son of Man is seen for who he is, and God seen for who he is in him.  The moment God is seen in him, God's glory will be on display.  In glorifying him, he himself is glorified -- glory all around!"

"Children, I am with you for only a short time longer.  You are going to look high and low for me.  But just as I told the Jews, I'm telling you:  'Where I go, you are not able to come.'

"Let me give you a new command:  Love one another.  In the same way I loved you, you love one another.  This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples -- when they see the love you have for each other."

I've highlighted some key points in that passage; holiness, humbling yourself, live a blessed life, glorify God, and love one another as Christ loved you.  Maundy comes from the word mandate.  Jesus gave his disciples a mandate on that night.  Love one another the way He loved them.  Make no mistake.  This was Jesus' chosen ones.  He hand-picked these men to travel with him.  He knew that they would one day glorify the Father; but they needed to love others -- even the unlovable.

In the same way, we are called to love others as He loved us.  This mandate was not just for those twelve but for the generations to come after; for although they were vessels with which he poured his light, they were able to spread the Good News so that future generations could likewise be the light.

When Jesus met with people, he frequently met with them at night; in darkness.  Why is that?  Why would He do some of his most significant work at night or in the darkness?  Because He is the Light. 

So what is your darkness?  What are your failures?  Do you serve others as God Incarnate served His disciples?  Are you willing to be the one to 'wash the feet of others', knowing that you are no greater than the one you serve?  Think about the power in this section of text from the Bible.    Are you able to humble yourself, glorify God, and love others?  By doing so, you will be holy and live a blessed life.

Jesus was betrayed on that night.  He was the sacrificial Lamb.  He was beaten beyond recognition and tortured; mocked and spit upon.  God Incarnate - our Savior.  He came for us.  He humbled himself for us.  He could have saved himself, and yet he chose to follow God's plan. 

As we move toward Easter, we need to reflect on all our Savior did for us.  He did nothing to warrant the punishment that was meted out on him; he was blameless.  Humble yourself for just one moment.  Love others as you have been loved.  Serve others -- be the example that Christ was for us.  We fall short everyday and yet, we each have the power within us to glorify Him.  Don't just talk the talk -- be willing to walk it.  He loved others enough to humble himself.  If you think about it, you can, too.  Imagine the world if we all just take that small, yet significant step toward Him.  Go ahead; glorify Him in your thoughts, words and deeds.  Be a blessing for you have been blessed by God's holy love, grace and mercy.  Without Him, we are nothing.

The Butterfly

And so God's trajectory is set in motion.  I met a man the other day -- just as I was preparing to sign off the websites forever.  It was a matter of days before my subscription expired and was just going to close up my account.  But as I was preparing to do so, I had a message that was sent to me via e-mail.  I said aloud to myself, "What loser is it this time?"  For truly, my experiences on this website have been less than stellar.

When I opened the e-mail, I didn't recognize the face but I sure recognized the profile.  It was someone I'd found incredibly humorous and wanted to get to know.  He'd written, "Let's chat" -- and so we did.

Interesting thing about God's timing -- it's never our own. And so, we began to get to know one another via telephone and text.  And the more we wrote, I found the greater the depth of his spirit.  Hard to believe from a man who used the song, "I Feel Pretty" in describing himself on his profile.  Yet, there he was; a kindred soul and one I adore.  And so, a relationship was born.  Truly unexpected and at a time when I realized I don't need anyone to make me whole.   I look to him and ask, "Are you sure you want to take me on?"  He assures me that he does; a generous spirit, full of love and  filled with laughter.

And so, that elusive butterfly has landed just long enough for me to examine it really closely.  It is beautiful.  As it flies toward me, I see not only its beauty but the strength in its wings, which carries it on a path that God has put it on.  It's a journey of a lifetime.  It's a journey that's been waiting to happen for a long time.  As it makes its way through time, this butterfly lands in my outstretched hands.  It sits patiently as I wrap my fingers lovingly around it and hold it gently. It relaxes, as if to signal it is there to stay.  It is a treasure; one I have longed for.  This butterfly is mine -- it's here; perhaps for a moment or maybe a lifetime.  It is there for as long as God allows it to stay. 

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Well, I have been following my plan for about ten days now.  1200 calories a day coupled with exercise.  The treadmill for 30 minutes on the fat burner level -- I burn about 200 calories on it.  Getting back to exercising has not been as difficult as I anticipated.  Every day I scoot up my heart rate just a smidge.  It has not been easy but also, easier than I thought!

Although time consuming, cooking on the week-ends and freezing my food has made a huge difference in my success.  My time during the week is incredibly limited.  I attend church one night a week and tutor two evenings a week.  I also like to try to hit the gym on the days I have nothing planned.  I'm not going to lie -- it is tough to motivate myself.  Yet, I have my Oola Fitness goals staring me in the face.  My exercise is written into my calendar.  I also have a couple of accountability partners.  And of course, writing this blog is a huge factor in my sticking to my program.  No one wants to write that they have failed.  And so, I do this not just for me, but to also encourage others who are struggling along the way.

This past week, I have lost 1.5 pounds.  It is my first weekly goal, and I have met it.  I feel good about that.  Not only is it a weight goal that I wanted to meet, it is much more than that.  It is a small taste of success.  I have worked hard and it is paying off.  The results?  More self-confidence and a higher level of self-esteem.  And the motivation I have been looking for.  I find myself WANTING to do this.  I want to look better -- feel better-- and live my Oola life. 

 As they say in Oola, dream...then, dream bigger.  My dream is to be at a size I am happy with by November.  I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time.  My plan is laid out.  You cannot fail using the methods offered by the OolaGuru and the OolaSeeker. Although I use them in all areas of my life, fitness is one area that I am focusing on heavily this year.  It is a must-do for health, agility, longevity and a better sense of self.  If you don't believe me, try it.  Go get your OolaFitness on and see how much better you will feel!

And if you need an accountability partner, leave a comment.  We can do this together!!

 

Lent: A Season of Reflection

 

 

When I began this series on Lent, I truly had a completely different vision in mind.  I figured I'd go to Wednesday night Lenten services and write what I gleaned from the service.  That hasn't happened at all.  I deem that all my writing is inspired by the Holy Spirit.  So when this series began to turn into  personal reflections, I did not think twice about it. 

Friday I took the day off.  A "mental health" day -- just so you know, teachers do take those every once in awhile.  This past week was one that just felt long. Only six days until spring break, yet I needed time to just "chill".  I had spent a lot of time crying throughout the week; always a sign of just being plain old tired. Working two jobs tends to take its toll, as does a long stretch between Christmas and spring break.  Yes, I needed that day off.  I had a flex day and if I didn't use it, I would lose it.  We only have five weeks after spring break left in the year; very hectic and difficult to take time off.  And so, with nary so much as a twinge of guilt, this teacher played "hooky". 

This week was the first time since my divorce that I felt scared.  I felt as if I had lost my footing.  I have been self-analyzing and overthinking myself to death.  I have been second-guessing myself because I have been listening to other people.  People who really didn't matter in my life.  I was trying to fit the mold of what I thought I should be, rather than just be me. 

Truth is, there's nothing wrong with me. It's society's view that's the problem.  No, I am not tall, lanky and all things that a super-model should be. I've always fallen into the trap of insecurity dictated by men's reactions to me.  I refuse to do that anymore.   I'm short, curvy and have curly hair.  It's how God made me and I'm certain that I'm beautiful; maybe not by society's definition but by God's definition.  And frankly, God means a whole lot more to me than society in general.

It's taken me a long time to get here.  I am at a new place of confidence and peace.  It is through the love of friends and family that have helped me get here.  Most importantly, it is through the grace of God.  He placed people in my life that made me realize I'm worth so much more than I've been made to believe over the years. 

God taught me a lot this week.  I learned that working too hard is not good.  I also learned that playing too hard is not good.  I learned to only listen to those who matter in my life.  I learned to live life and let God take care of the rest; those things I don't understand.  After all, sometimes we don't have to understand everything.  It's called faith.

I encourage all of you that as you journey with the Lord, that you take some time and reflect on the obstacles in your life.  Then, let God remove them.  It requires reading your Bible, praying and most of all, let other Christians in your life know of your struggles.  They are put in our path for a reason  They are God's way of reaching down to us and letting us know that He is with us and that He cares.  The good news is God is with us.  He knows our hearts.  He works all things out according to his plan and purpose -- if only we allow Him.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)

The Message





"...and she's back!"  Words spoken by a friend of mine after a discussion about how to get my life on track.  The last month, I've been gone; not physically but mentally.  I have been preoccupied with things of this world; dating, therapy sessions and work.  All this has been in a bid to be better adjusted to my newfound single status.  Yet, I have felt incredibly empty and sad.  Sadder than I have felt since I got divorced.  I couldn't understand it.  And then, I wrote a letter; a love letter to God.  You see, God is listening.  And He answers us-- we just have to be listening.

Tonight, I was on a dating website and a stranger repeated a message I have heard over and over.  The interesting thing is this man was not interested in me and I just replied "no worries... good luck" and signed my name.  However, he replied -- with a longer conversation.  Three e-mails later, he told me something; and it was the exact message I have heard from three other people. Although the words were written by his hand, I believe he was truly a messenger with a very special delivery.  You see, the message was not from him but rather, from Him --God Almighty -- my Father in heaven.   It is now a total of four times that I have heard the exact same message.  The message?  Well, that's between me and my Creator.  Although those four people have no connection other than knowing me, they were obedient in listening to their hearts and saying the words that were necessary for me to hear.  Yes, it took four tries and though I heard it each time and understood what they were telling me, it was not until tonight that I realized it was God speaking through them and to me.  The words clearly resonated in my head and my heart.  That, my friends,  is powerful!

I wrote that kind stranger a note tonight and when I am sure he has read it, I will sign off all of the websites tomorrow.  I do not need them.  God is in the midst and He knows it all.  I don't need to know anything; just that I am to act in obedience to Him.  He has a greater plan for me.  I have felt it for awhile and now; tonight my confirmation came.   I know that my feelings are much more than that; I am on God's trajectory for my life. I am ready.  It is His path, not mine.  I don't know the details but I will -- in time.

It is hard to discern God's words at times but they are there.  Listen for them.  Sometimes it's a stirring in your heart.  Other times, it's found in a song.  Tonight it was found in the words of a stranger.   I cannot deny God is speaking to me for I hear His voice clearly in the message. A message that was repeated verbatim by four very different people. 

To those who were messengers -- I thank you all for delivering the words exactly as they were put on your hearts. You probably don't know who you are, but I do.   For without your words of truth and love, I may have been confused.  But there is no confusion tonight -- only confirmation.  God is alive and well.  He is in Las Vegas, Nevada.  He is in my living room.  He is beside me as I type.  The message has been delivered. 

"Then Haggai, the Lord’s messenger, gave this message of the Lord to the people: “I am with you,” declares the Lord."  Haggai 1:13 (NIV)

Love Letters

 

 

 



Dear God,

For days I have been feeling a stirring in my heart.  I realize I don't spend enough time with You.  I have been busy and distracted.  I have been trying to make a new life for myself but in the process of doing so, I have failed You in so many ways. 

I'm beginning to wonder if it is possible to "have it all?"   Don't get me wrong -- I love going out with friends and having fun.  Yet, when I do, it seems I have to give up something.  Lately, it's been You -- and that makes me feel incredibly sad.

I have a longing to be nearer to You...perhaps because I consider you to be my Father -- you are the One who loves me unconditionally; in ways the men in my life haven't.  As I seek "true love", I realize I already have it with you.  Yet, I am decidedly lonely.  As real as you are, I don't see you.  I don't feel your touch....your touch comes in the breeze that blows. Your arms are the arms of others who carry us when we are too weak to carry ourselves.  Your Spirit is present in my life and yet, I feel a heaviness in my heart.  Where is this heaviness from?  You?  Me?

What path would You have me follow?  Where are You leading me?  For I know Your plans are far greater than I could even imagine.  I'm scared to think -- what is it You want from me?  What is Your will?  The questions haunt me and yet, they are necessary.

Today in church, I realized that I am seeking self-worth from places other than You or even, myself.  A remnant of my past.  It's difficult to admit but I do not feel worthy of being loved the way I deserve to be loved.  Will I feel that ever?  Will I ever be happy with myself?  I ask You because only You know the answers.

A friend gave me a beautiful analogy today.  He asked me, "What happens when you chase a butterfly and try to catch it?"   My analogy would be closer to this;  "Ever have a bird that keeps flying into a window?"    Although they are basically the same, I prefer his to mine.  It puts me in a quiet place -- a lovely place.  Love seems so easy for others but not for those of us that have been scarred over the years.  Today's buzzword?   Baggage; It is a word I am beginning to loathe.  It implies a huge burden; heavy and hard to carry.  And yes, I have loads of it.  But you gave it to me -- so what am I supposed to do with it?  It's too big for me to carry.  I'm trying to get rid of it but it almost seems impossible.  I am in counseling, God.  A place of safety and refuge.  How I wish I didn't need it and yet, I know it is imperative to heal and become all that I know I can be -- to learn that I don't need the approval or love of others for me to be happy. 

It is hard to write this letter today.  It comes after much self-reflection.  It is part of the journey You have placed me on.  I am grateful for the self-realization, no matter how painful it is to face it.  I am thankful to know that one day I will be whole.  You are, after all, the Great Physician.  Your healing is real and I believe in it with all my heart.  I am blessed with the amazing people you've placed in my path.  It is Your way of reaching out to me.  Despite all my ups and downs, it is for that and so much more, that I am ever grateful.

Yours forever,
Lisa