Note to Parents: Do You Know What Your Kids are Doing?

 





Today's post is to all those who use their phones for the internet...basically, everyone.  You might wonder why I would make such a strong statement?  It's because I am watching it take our students down first-hand in the classroom.  What do I mean?

Nearly every high school student in this country has a phone.  It is a status symbol of sorts and a "must have" among today's youth.  I wouldn't mind students having phones if they were actually using them for a good purpose;  research, writing, mathematical calculations, watching scientific experiments.  Instead, they are on SnapChat, TikTok, FaceTime, YouTube videos and porn sites.  Yes, all this during class time and sadly, during instructional time.  I had a parent argue her son needed his phone so that if she needed to get in touch with him, he had it.  He was sent to the principal's for watching porn in class.

Parents,  I get that the phone is today's answer to yesterday's babysitting by television (you can't do that either today due to content).  However, during class time, it is expected your children will learn.  They don't.  I have students in high school counting on their fingers in an Algebra 2 class or using a calculator that does everything that pops up the answers.   Oh, and there are downloadable apps that all the student needs to do is take a picture of the problem and it solves it for them.  They just copy.  In my day, it was memorizing the math facts and using a slide rule.  Most likely,  you don't even know what a slide rule is. 

Parents, I have students today who cannot write a 5-7 sentence paragraph or quote sources.  When I was a junior in high school, I distinctly remember having to write a 10 page paper.  This required going to the library, looking up the information and writing down quotes on 3 X 5 cards along with the citation.  The majority of today's students cannot read at grade level, and in fact, YouTube has taken the place of teachers reading to them.

Parents, you students now have a great time-waster and distraction -- it is the cell phone in the classroom.  Try and take it away and it becomes a very serious thing; in fact, I was threatened by a student who did not want his phone taken.
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As we continue down this path, I wonder what it will be like in 40 years from now; when all these kids who are given a free pass in the classroom will be in the work force?  I am thankful because I'm certain I will be dead.  I do not want to see what our world will be like with these kids at the helm.

And so parents, this is a stern warning to you...the question used to be, do you know where your kids are?  Even if your kids are in school, they can do, see and get everything with little repercussion from the administrative powers that be.  I would ask you instead, do you know what your kids are doing?

We are educators, not glorified babysitters.  We are NOT the problem.  We are doing our best with what we are given.  You need to do your job.  Check --- who are your kids hanging out with after school?  Do they come home high?  A word of warning -- pot today can be laced with Fentanyl -- the gateway to heroin.    What web sites is your child perusing?  Perhaps you need to remove internet from the home and take your child to the library to do homework?    Or better yet, spend time with your child, helping them with their homework.

We have children failing in our schools today only to hear from parents, "What are you doing?"  Fortunately, I don't scare easily.  Instead, I would ask parents, "What are you NOT doing?" 

Let Them See You in Me

Have you ever heard the song, "Let Them See You in Me" by JJ Weeks?  It is amazing!  I used to listen to it a lot.  The other day, I was praying in my car on the way to work and I began to think about that song.  My prayer for that day was that my students would see Jesus through me.  As it turns out, I saw Jesus.  What do I mean by that?

It was an exceptionally rough day at work...so much for the last few days that I really don't think I can continue my teaching career.  But that's a whole other blog!  On this particular day, I had caught a student showing another student porn as he was on his cell phone.  Add to that, another student saying to me, "Fuck You!" for telling him to get out of the teacher's desk.  I certainly didn't deserve that.   It was disheartening, to say the least.  

The next day, when I returned to class, I was mocked for my actions of reporting the two students.  And then, I started to think about Jesus and did so for the next few hours, the next day...to be honest, my faith walk of late has not been the best.  I am not active in church; something which at one time I enjoyed.  What happened?  I don't really know.  But what I saw from those two incidents was the face of Jesus as he was on the cross...  Calling out to His Father to forgive others because they didn't know what they were doing...The mocking, the cursing, being beaten and hung for crimes not committed.  It drove me to the cross.  You see, we are to pick up our crosses and follow Him.  That day (that week, really) I was my picking up my cross to bear.

And so, the only thing I can do is pray and move forward; to pray for those who need the discipline and love that they receive from God through me.  They don't know it but if they would only open their eyes and hearts, their lives would change forever.

Courtesy of YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOg-1JjAdGk 

Forever in My Heart: A Love Letter

Dear Readers:

It is time to let AmazingGrace go.  Although Grace will forever live in my heart, I have many things I wish to accomplish.   AmazingGrace served a very specific purpose:  to help me heal from my life and to help others who may have gone through similar circumstances.  I am healed, by the grace of God and the gift He gave me to write down what I felt over the years.  Six years later, I am moving forward.

For those who read my blog, I appreciate your following Grace, more than you know.  To see individuals from different 

countries follow along was

beyond my wildest dreams.

You are the reason I 

continued to write, even

past Grace's expiration 

date.

It is time to go but I thank

you for the opportunity to

serve you in whatever way 

I did.

Forever in my heart,

Lisa

Into the Light

I got the call January 10, 1989 -- my wedding anniversary.  It was my mom.  "He did it...the son-of-a-bitch did it!"  "Mom, what are you talking about?"  "Your father -- he killed himself!"  I stopped...I couldn't process the information I was hearing.  I remember the phone conversation he and I had the night before.  His words, "This time, your mom's not here."  I didn't understand the cryptic message at the time.  I did now.  He and my mom had divorced 16 years earlier.  Neither were happy and  my father had attempted suicide several times.  Guilt...raging guilt.  Why didn't I pick up on it?  Why didn't I call 9-1-1.  I lived with that guilt for years.  My husband and I were having financial problems at that time.  Those types of issues were taboo in my family, as my dad was a physician.  We didn't discuss them or even acknowledge them.  I had prayed my father wouldn't find out that we were having financial struggles and that somehow our money issues would be resolved.  Because he had died and I had inherited money, that prayer was answered.  More guilt.  It took me years to resolve these incredible feelings of guilt and sadness.

1990 rolled around.  The invasion of Kuwait.  I was married to a Kuwaiti who wanted to make the issue national. He went on news shows and the radio.  Relatives of his who got out came to stay with us.  I had a new baby and two small daughters.  I began to have anxiety attacks -- bad ones.  So much, that they were non-stop.  I contemplated suicide myself but did not want to do that to my children.   I sought some help and was prescribed Buspar.  A non-addictive medication but it made me so sleepy I couldn't care for my kids.  I stopped taking it.  My (now ex) husband, continued his bandwagon and eventually, we received threats.  I had demanded he stop, but  to no avail.  Eventually, I told him I would leave him.  He said he would take the children to Kuwait and I would never see them again.  I was stuck.  I put on a happy face and decided to move forward. 

2012, I filed for divorce.  The children were grown, he had left the family for 4 1/2 years to pursue whatever the hell he wanted.  First, working in Iraq as a contract translator -- a job that was supposed to last a year and he stayed three.  Then, he came home and stayed (only because our oldest begged him) and promptly moved to Las Vegas.  I joined him with our two youngest children in 2009.  Throughout the next three years, he lied about our finances.  In 2012, he let it slip that he made $260,000 and I made $40,000.  That was 300,000 and yet, I was given $50.00 per week for food and our home bills went unpaid.  Something was not right.  I could take no more.  The divorce was final in 2013.

Although my lawyer got a so-called good settlement, my ex did whatever the hell he wanted.  He defaulted on student loans in my name, destroying what little credit I had left.  He paid me here and there for the spousal support I was awarded.  I went to graduate school and used gold I had purchased overseas to make ends meet until my salary was higher.  I also had suicidal ideations.  Every.single.night.  I laid in bed, knowing I had 3 months worth of Xanax in my bathroom drawer.  I could have ended it whenever I felt like it.  If I did, all the loans would go to my ex.  No more financial worries.  No more working 3 jobs to make ends meet.  It would all be over.  But then, I would think of my kids.  I would pray to God to take away these thoughts.  I was in counseling but didn't tell anyone what I was feeling as I knew I would be locked in a mental ward.  I was on an anti-depressant, but somehow, that doesn't help when you are drowning in the darkness.  I would get on my knees crying and praying that God would help me sort things out.  I could not talk with anyone about it because...well, financial situations were taboo in our household.  Eventually, I began to talk about my life...through blogs, co-workers, etc.  Somehow, it turned the darkness into light.  I eventually realized that I had a temporary problem and suicide was a permanent solution.  I met a  man who was able to help me find my way through this financial quagmire.  To this day, he is a friend.

2016 -- bankruptcy. 

2017 -- still in debt -- student loans of around 180K.  Ex leaves the country for his home in Kuwait.  Well, that's one way to get out of paying your obligations.

2019 -- I get the call.  One of my children is suffering from depression -- so much that suicidal ideations have kicked in.  I want to go to my child but they ask that I not come.  I know it is bad.  I finally got the ok and am leaving in a week; I have to get through doctor's appointments for some very real health issues.  I am struggling with the pain.  I know where my child is...a place of darkness.  Slowly, the veil is lifting but it is a fight, and will continue to be a fight.  One of courage and bravery.  I want to move back "home" but know this is their fight -- their life.  I have remarried, have a job I love and frankly, had planned to retire where I am. 

I know the pain my child is in.  I want to scoop this "baby" in my arms and say it will be alright.  The truth is, from here on out, the battle begins.  It is a slow recovery and additional stress, adds to the pain.  One thing that helps is shedding light on this darkness.

Whatever you are going through, this too will pass.  It is true.  I'm still in debt but the reality is, I will probably be in debt until I die.  I can live with that.  I don't think of all the things my ex did to me because it is incredibly painful.  I have given up forgiving him because I have given enough of myself in the process of forgiveness.  I don't think God wants us to continue to go through pain.  I have nothing left for him.  He has taken all he will, and is now powerless in my mind.  My focus is my happiness and the happiness of my family.  They are my everything.

Life is good and it can be for you too.  If you are struggling, reach out to someone -- a friend, pastor or suicide prevention hotline.  Life does not have to be painful.  It can be beautiful.  Allow yourself to see the beauty.  There IS light after the darkness.

The Lotus

  

Sometimes you wonder, "What was I thinking?"  The problem is, you weren't.  Or maybe you were thinking with something other than your brain.  Hence, you are stuck.  Or so it seems.

I married badly the first time around.  I had an inkling beforehand that I should call off  the wedding.  I didn't.  I was aghast at how my wedding night played out.  I thought, I shouldn't have done this.  And then, I let myself forget.  Until 7 years.  10 years.  And it all came back to bite me in the ass.  I hung in there for 31 years.  The lowest point was when my now ex told me that we had a superficial relationship.  His words exactly.  Four children, 30 years, and that's how you describe our relationship?

Peace out, dude.  Life on my own can't be this bad.  I was right -- to some degree.  I worked three jobs.  He paid spousal support as he saw fit, not as court ordered.  He defaulted on two student loans in my name and decided he no longer needed to pay half on our joint consolidation loans.  He then sold the business I gave him 200k to start --from my inheritance--and kept the proceeds.  Then he said, peace out and left the country.

Last week, I received a summons on the defaulted student loans.  Some would say, "Well, it's your fault for not paying the creditors."  Well, let's see.  I'm a teacher who has not had a raise in 5 years.  I also cannot continue to work 3 jobs at the age of 59.  Emotionally, I am maxed out.  The reason I took so many loans for my degree is this clown kept saying, "Take the max, take the max."  He was not working for much of the time and we had four kids.  I worked during school but it was for $10/hour.  He worked at a hospital for a period for the same.  Truthfully, I was at a place in my life where I could mentally process little.  I woke up too late.

I should have used my inheritance to pay off the loans and our house.  Instead, he wheeled and dealed as he always did and convinced me that he could run a profitable business.  For us...for our retirement.   He knew what to say.  He had done it for nearly 30 years.

I have spent the week-end crying.  Crying because I am still cleaning up the mess of a marriage and financial shit he left me with for the last six years.  It's not enough I declared bankruptcy or have worked my ass off.  It's not enough I continue to work my ass off.  He is a U.S. citizen in another world (another perk of our marriage for him) without a care and I continue to work to stay afloat.  

I have since remarried a man who did not see me as a financial liability.  He looked beyond that.  A 50-something with around 200K in debt is not your typical "trophy" wife.  I was not looking for marriage, as I did not want him to get caught up in this financial quagmire.  But he knew what he wanted and pursued me.  Yesterday, as we celebrated Mother's Day and I had tears in my eyes, he said, "I love you.  We'll get through this."  

And so, divorce is not easy.  Life is not easy.  I am resolved to clean up this financial mess.  I have a book I have written.  I will polish it up this summer and get it ready for Christmas sales.  My goal is to get speaking gigs as well in addition to my "real" job.  I think I can help those that are hopeless.  I have been there.

From the mud, blooms the lotus.  So do I.

Three to Five Minutes

This week began the start of a new lifestyle for me.  Having read The Whole 30, I decided to use the suggestions in it, while not actually following the program.  Although I wholeheartedly believe you can reset your taste buds by not eating the crap you are used to, it is far too restrictive to me.  However, I did see something in the book that intrigues me; and that had to do with changing one's mindset about food.

One thing the book pointed out is that a craving will last three to five minutes tops.  I have to say, anyone who has ever craved ANYTHING will deny that is true.  I'm certain I've had cravings that have lasted far longer than that...and so, today, I was put to the test.

My family went to an Easter buffet.  I put on my best mindset and chose really healthy food.  Eggs, fresh fruit, 1/4 of a waffle with strawberries and a little whipped cream.  Not perfect but not horrible.  I was good until I spied the donuts, muffins, danish and chocolate eclairs.  Now, I'm going to tell you, these didn't look much better than the day-olds at the gas station.  But, donuts are my weakness...and it is Easter.  What better way to celebrate than to have a donut?  What would one hurt?  Oh, the devil and angel on my shoulders were hard at work, battling over that piece of crap.

Then, I remembered the book...three to five minutes.  Would my craving for something sweet go away?  Should I have another 1/4 waffle.  My daughter, a personal trainer, was there and said no.  So, I looked at the buffet and went back for some eggs and fresh fruit.  After a few bites, something happened...I was full!  And in fact, the craving for the sweet pastries was gone.  I was in control of food...rather than food controlling me!

My daughter told me she was proud of me; after all, she knows my weaknesses.  Had she not been there, I'm not sure what the outcome would have been.  I'd like to think I still would have passed on the sweets.  I'm not sure but I will tell you this...being in control was amazing!   I don't HAVE to give in to cravings.   According to the book,  if  you can distract yourself for a few minutes, you will be able to move on.  I just wanted to share this, as it is not often I win in a battle with myself when it comes to food.  Best of all, I enjoyed the celebration of time together with my loved ones without going overboard.

The lesson in all of this?  Think before you eat.  Three to five minutes is not long.  Distract yourself.  Decide what you really want...for me, I choose to be healthy.  I plan to be around for a long time ... for my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I would not miss the opportunity to dance at all of their weddings (and make it disco, please!) 

A Weighty Issue

I did the unthinkable yesterday...I called a bariatric surgeon and made an appointment.  Even as I did it, it did not feel right.  I wanted to cancel the appointment before I hung up but didn't for fear he would think I was calling as a joke -- or worse yet, indecisive.  Truth is, I am indecisive.  I made the call after realizing I've been on a diet for 2 years straight and seen no results...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'm certain I'm not the only one who thinks the struggle is real.  My weight loss issues are rooted in childhood.  A father who was a physician, did not want his children to be made fun of the way he was when he was younger; as a result, weight was always an issue growing up.

I was on Weight Watchers when I was 12.  We're talking old school Weight Watchers where you ate 4 eggs a week and broiled liver once a week.  From there, I had a lead in a play but I just wasn't small enough to fit into the wardrobe.  Once again,  I dieted down 10 pounds.  Then, freshman year in high school, I got mono and lost more weight.

Not long after that, I realized I had what boys didn't like...curves.  I had hips and larger breasts in the days of the flat chested supermodels.  At 5'2 and 105 pounds, I discovered I could go no lower.  And truthfully, I was sad because boys talked to the more athletic cheerleaders.  I became painfully shy, had one best friend, and we ate to console ourselves.  

I found myself at 160 pounds in my junior year of high school.  Then I developed a crush on a boy band and lost 40 of those pounds, thanks to my mother who brought home diet pills from the office of the physician she worked for.  I was unstoppable.  Up until midnight doing homework and awake at 

5 AM to go to school.  In short, I was on speed.  I lost the weight, alright but still did not get noticed.

I think my dad noticed because when I spent the night at his house, he would insist I eat breakfast (something I no longer did).  After he left the house, I dumped my cereal down the drain.  And so began the vicious cycle of an eating disorder (of sorts).  Later on, I discovered purging which helped keep my weight off because diet pills no longer worked.

In college, I gained the freshman 15 and began running with a roommate.  But it was hard as I had a D cup by then, and sports bras hadn't been invented.  

Fast forward to 20's and 30's.  I had my children and lost the weight.  The third one, I lost the weight due to severe depression and I developed a phobia to food.  I was afraid I would develop an anaphylactic reaction -- something I'd read about.  I would eat incredibly slow and no more than one or two bites of food.  I also began to exercise.  People commented I looked svelte.  In a size 8 petite, I felt fat.  Nothing I could do would make me feel like I looked good.

Fast forward to my 40's.  I finished having all of my children and was left 30 pounds overweight.  I could not seem to lose it.  I went through my 40's, refusing to take pictures with my family.  Let's get to my 50's.  I divorced my husband of 31 years, and lost a shit ton of weight.  40 lbs.  I looked...haggard.  The skin on my neck was sagging because I couldn't eat.  I was probably taking in 700 calories a day while working two other jobs and taking on graduate work.  I was not actually depressed but the stress was killing me.

One day, I ate a donut and it set me on a downward spiral of a 40 lb. weight gain over 2 months.  Since that accumulation of weight, it has been non-stop dieting.  Dating after my divorce didn't help.  It seemed every 50 year old balding, paunchy gentleman "weighed in" on my weight.  Seriously???  How about looking in the mirror, guys!  Bye-bye what little self-esteem I had.

So, I look at myself with self-loathing because I am a failure.  And as a person who succeeds in everything else, this is a bitter pill to swallow.  I love my husband but he is an enabler of the first degree.  If I am doing well on whatever eating plan du jour, he will bring in no less than three bags of Hershey's nuggets or a 6-pack of Hydrox cookies that he has ordered on Amazon.  Does he hold me down and force it down my throat?  No, but he might as well because it is like bringing in alcohol when there is an alcoholic in the house.

I get my relationship with food is not healthy.  It has been my friend for many years...during the time of my parent's divorce, my mother's years of alcoholism, my father's suicide attempts (and ultimate suicide), physical and sexual abuse, my years of suffering anxiety and depression and being in a marriage that was a 31 year prison sentence.  I am no longer that person, but I think saying goodbye once and for all may be what keeps me where I am.  If I don't have "my friend" what do I have?  That leads me to alcohol, which scares the crap out of me because I don't want to be on that trajectory my mother was on.  It was ugly and it was bad.  Although a disease, it doesn't make it any better.  But am I any better because my drug of choice is food?

This problem is not insurmountable.  It hurts to say goodbye to a lifestyle that although unhealthy, served me well during times when life was unbearable.  

As I shed a few tears, I realize why I have struggled all my life.  It was because of my life.  Food is not my friend...  And so now begins the change.  I always said change is hard and sometimes it hurts.  But, change is necessary.  This is going to be the challenge of my life because it is for me; someone I have rarely prioritized.  Blogging has helped.  I can see the issue much more clearly.  It's not laziness or guilt or anything else.  It is saying goodbye to my best friend; something that's seen me through the darkest moments of my life.  

And so, I move on...Monday I will cancel the appointment.  I don't think it is necessary.  I just need to break off this unhealthy "friendship" and move forward.  "Food, you are not my friend.  You are my sustenance.   That's it... we're over.  Thank you for being there for the hard times but now, it's time to go our separate ways.  I'll still see you...we just won't be as close."

Divorce: The Truth

My mentor is going back to his past and filming it.  It is a reminder of where I've been.  While married, I often found myself wondering what it would be like to be "free".  I found out in 2013.  Things had gone from bad to worse in our 31-year marriage and I finally had the courage to say "Enough!"

I remember walking into the lawyer's office and my knees were shaking.  I actually thought I might pass out.  But, I held strong.  No one could do this for me.  I had no family members locally who could go with me -- I certainly wasn't going to take my children with me.  And so, I walked into the office with a façade of bravery and gave the lawyer a retainer fee.  All in all, it cost me $5,000 -- money which I paid over time.  I left with nothing but a stack of bills that were several inches high.  I paid anything that had my name on it and left the rest.  I never learned why we could not pay our bills when my husband and I were making over $300K per year and lived a modest lifestyle.  It no longer matters.  I could ask forever but I would never get an answer.  And so, I began my life at the age of 53.

My mentor mentions in his video how long it took him to get on his feet.  That is definitely something I noticed.  If you are contemplating divorce, look to at least five years to get past the emotional baggage, the financial ruin and getting on my feet, in general.  I was making 34K a year as a teacher and working 3 jobs to feed my boys and keep a roof over my head.  Those were bad times, yet better than the situation I had been in.  I didn't date until a year after my divorce and even at that, very casually.  I was not looking for another relationship.  I finally gave up on coming out financially unscathed and after two years, declared bankruptcy.  Not something I wanted to do but I was killing myself trying to pay off the student loan debt my ex left me with.  Granted, it was loans for the whole family but somehow, he ducked under the radar and refused to answer calls and letters, leaving me with the burden of shouldering close to 200K in debt.

In 2015, I met my now husband.  He wanted to get married right away whereas, I was gun shy.  We dated for two years and got married.  After going through the dating scene, which let me tell you, at 50 is slim-pickin's unless you go a good 10 years younger and at that point, those gentlemen are looking for the 30-somethings.  I met a man 12 years my senior, a gentleman through and through.  Unfortunately, he suffers health issues which can be quite severe at times causing cognitive dysfunction.  Yet, we make it work.  No doubt, I am learning what a "real" marriage is and at times, it is exceedingly difficult.  We continue to go on little adventures and love one another through it all.  He is, what I would describe the love of my life; we have seen the best of times and the worst of times, all in the short span of a 1 1/2 year marriage.

As for my career, I have soared to heights I hadn't dreamed possible.  I am dreaming big and working toward a career in educational administration.  Right now, my job is somewhere between teaching and that.  I am also in school.  No small feat for a 58, soon to be, 59 year old.  It has taken strength and determination to break through the changes I have made this year.  New job and graduate school.  But I believe in what I am doing is God's will for my life.  I have a way of motivating students, which is important when working with an at-risk group of kids.  And somehow, I do it in a way that  makes them laugh.

And so, for those contemplating divorce, don't expect a quick turn-around.  It takes YEARS to get on your feet.  Some folks don't have the stomach for it and just continue in a bad marriage.  Others don't really want to go through the pain of change.  I don't advocate divorce, but if you are going to do it, understand it really takes time to get a foothold of your finances and personal life.

Having said that, would I go through divorce again?  Absolutely.  I have found that I am stronger and braver than I ever imagined.  I am becoming the person God always wanted me to be.  I found freedom and felt alive for the first time in forever.

I always told my ex I wanted to rebuild my life on a foundation of rock, not sand...with Christ as the cornerstone.  I have done that and continue to do so.

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

So what has it been?  A year since I've written?  Easily.  And just as easily, I am at the same weight.  But this is my year.  How am I so sure?  Because  I have finally realized there is not easy way to lose weight.  It requires eating less and moving more.  And the eating less is 80% of the formula.

I also have not been realistic.  I have been cheating on myself.  Yes, I have been lying to myself about how many pounds I need to lose.  My doctor got real with me when I had a very thorough check up.  He told me the truth, and it wasn't pretty.

It took me awhile to accept the number of pounds he told me I needed to lose.  And then, instead of burying my head in the sand, I decided to come up with a plan.  My weight is the culmination of a good 20+ years of unhealthy eating and lack of exercise; and so to expect immediate results is not realistic.

And so,  I had to get real, and make a plan. How many pounds can I realistically lose in a month?  To me, six was the magic number.  That is a pound and a half a week; resulting in all my weight being gone by February 2020.  Now, this is no small task and in fact, there is a reason I chose that month and year.  It will be my 60th birthday and I do believe, the 60 of today does not have to look like the 60 of yesteryear.

Growing up,  my dad was a doctor and his 60 year old patients were retired, walking on canes and living not much beyond 65.  Today, it's different.  With a healthy lifestyle, women can expect to live into their 80's -- easily.  Fortunately, I have longevity in my family on my mother's side and most women lived until their 90's.  And I want my 90's to be spectacular.  I personally believe in the next 30 years, medicine will make great strides and that, with a little help from my friends, will be able to dance at my great-grandchildren's wedding (to disco music, no less!)

So of course, we all know our "why" plays a huge part in weight loss because let's face it -- motivation and even, inspiration wanes. So, what is my why?  First of all, I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  For years, I felt my weight was insurmountable and that is a  limiting belief that I have to fight.  I also had a "why bother" attitude because of my age.  Reality is hitting.  It doesn't matter how old (or young) you are...your health is important.  Looking good is important.  You don't have to have movie star looks but certainly should do the best you can with the looks you have been blessed with (yes, you heard me).  For years, I believed I was the ugly duckling -- curly hair, long nose, lots of curves.  But guess what?  My daughter looks exactly like me and she is no ugly duckling.  She is gorgeous!  So, why did I feel this way?  

Growing up in the 1960's.  Think about it -- who was en vogue?  Twiggy.  Thin, straight hair, small nose.  In 8th grade, all it took was one person to call me "the Schnozz" and that was it...I felt ugly until my 30's.  What changed?  Nothing.  I just realized as I got older that my nose was normal.  It was my dad's nose but not overly long...and it was straight.  I actually have a somewhat decent nose. 

Then came the the 70's  with the ice skater Dorothy Hamill...remember her 'do?  Every girl had it -- except me.  How I longed for straight hair -- and I had my hair straightened.  But then, one day, as the straightened hair began to grow out, I saw curls.  And so, I let my hair go curly...I had a great head of hair and grew into that look.  Eventually (in the 80's), curls were "in".  Fast forward to the 90's.  I had my third child and had 20 pounds left to lose.  I lost it and looked fabulous.  Size 9 and I still thought I was fat.  Go figure.  Best shape of my life.

Well, although those days are over, it does not mean that I can't look as good as I can for a 58-soon-to-be 59 year old.  But now, here's the other piece to the equation.  As a child I was sexually abused and for those who don't think that can take a toll on your body, think again.  To this day, when I lose weight, men look.  I see it.  And it makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.  To me, the looks are not compliments.  They are leering eyes along with unwanted comments --and I want to hide.  And I've done a fabulous job over my lifetime.  Hiding behind the weight.  This is something I have to overcome or I will never achieve my goals.

And so, with every last fiber of my being, I pray to God to help me on this journey.  I hope to encourage those of you who have struggled with weight.  I plan to write, not just for accountability but to see how far along I have come.  This is the battle of a lifetime -- and for my life.

Having said that, it is time to move forward.  I know I am not alone in this struggle.  And it pains me that I have been on this journey for years.  But it is time to get my Oola on, and just do it.  It is a journey of a thousand steps or in this case, one pound at a time.  It's doable and it is going to be my year.