Back to the Beginning

Last week, I went back to work.  I began on Wednesday and found myself falling asleep at 6 PM on a Friday night.  Not unusual, considering the stress associated with the beginning of the school year.  For me, this is my 8th year of teaching and the first year ever I have felt completely prepared for opening on Monday.  Although I have some anxiety, it is not overwhelming.

I am at a new school, having moved from elementary back to high school.   I am in my element again.  I know exactly what I am doing and how to do it.  Always nice when you do not have a huge learning curve.  My caseload is 26 students; not unusual for resource.  It will be a busy year but not over the top.  I like this high school because my caseload consists of students that I will see daily...something that has never been my norm!  Additionally, I love the fact that my school administration takes enormous pride in our school and it seems to have a trickle down effect on the staff.  Everyone I have met has been most welcoming.  I am excited to begin this new gig!

 This is a culturally diverse school, which thrills me.  I began teaching in Kuwait, and love working with different cultures.  I love the fact that we will not just be teaching the subject English but actually teaching students how to read, write and speak English.  It will be a challenge but I definitely like that.  Having looked at our first two weeks lesson plans, I suggested a word wall for academic words.  He was not opposed, having been an ELL teacher (English Language Learners) as well.  I see good things happening for our students.

My "partner-in-crime" and I have been working diligently on our room and have our plans together for the first two weeks. The classroom I share with my English counterpart looks great.  That's not just my opinion; three administrators stopped by and remarked the same thing.  I should also say that admin told us they would be stopping by, starting from day 1.  They kept their promise.

Although I did not get everything finished, I got about 90% of what needed to be done, completed.  I will have the rest completed by the end of next week.  Some things just can't be done in the amount of time that we are given, which is only two days.  As a new teacher at this school, some things are just in flux.   I did not have computer access  and so, I was physically taking apart files and making copies.  This is an incredibly time-consuming task rather than just sitting at my computer and printing out what I needed.  As it turns out, I was pleased because last year, it took nearly ten days for computer access.  I got mine at this new school within twenty-four hours.  Sheer ecstasy!

And so, I am looking forward to getting past the first week of school.  I cannot imagine how stressed and tired I will be come next Friday, but I am ready for it.  It takes about three weeks to get back into the "swing" of things; waking up early, putting in long hours and meeting the over 100 kids that will be coming through our classroom.  I had an amazing summer and I look forward to this fall.  Traditionally, a time of new beginnings...for me, this is not just a school year or school, but a new season in life.  As with all things new, it will be a challenge; but in my estimation, a learning experience bar none!

It's That Time of Year

It's that time of year, and no, I don't mean Christmas!  BACK-TO-SCHOOL!.  I have spent the last nine years or so, trying to figure out what God said when He told me I would go into ministry.  I have finally decided that He meant "teaching".   He did mention a figure it would cost me ... 100K -- pretty much the amount of student debt I have.  OK God, I get it.   I am still encouraging others, teaching, writing and speaking...perhaps my chosen vocation is indeed what He was referring to; and frankly, I don't have the energy to start something new.

 And so, last week, I closed down my blog thinking, I will focus on teaching and not writing...WRONG!  You simply cannot take a writer --certainly not me -- and say, "All done!"  Writing will always be a part of me and my journey.  And so, the crux of my writing from here on out will probably focus more on teaching but without revealing student information as that would certainly be against FERPA laws.

I am starting at a new school this year.  In elementary,  I loved the students but found that administration and I simply did not get along.  I won't go into details but I can get along with most everyone.  Sadly, this group nearly "broke" me.  Although I had plans to return when I left for the year, I took a week to "cool down" and think about all that had transpired.  I hated to leave my group of kiddos and friends yet, at the end of the day, had to be true to myself.  I applied for a job at a high school and was hired "on the spot".  The administrator and I agreed on most everything.  I was ecstatic!

I met my "partner-in-crime" last week.  He is a 20-something former ELL teacher.  I also have an ELL background, so I am certain it is no small coincidence we were paired together.  Likewise, neither of us has taught English 11.  We will survive.  We are going to be reading some pretty amazing novels this year and I can't wait!

I went in yesterday and put together the bulletin board with his help.   He did the climbing, God bless him!   I started out with one idea and the board came out completely different.  So too with teaching; you start out with an objective and you will reach it -- just maybe not in the way you planned.  It's how I work best. and one of the reasons I love this job.

This week-end, I will be going through my garage and figuring out what I need and don't need.  I will be throwing useless stuff and packing up much needed stuff.  I doubt I will ever return to elementary.  I am looking for a "forever" home and feel certain this is it!

As for ministry?   I am definitely toying with the idea of getting my administrator's license and working my way toward becoming an actual administrator.  I have student loans to pay and I could use the increase in salary.  This is my new focus and I think the "plan" is a good one.  Over the years, I have met many administrators - some good, others not so good.  At the end of the day, it is not something I would have "aspired" to, yet necessity is often the mother of invention.  And so, let's just say my options are open.  I am going to get through this year and the ever-dreadful learning curve, and go from there.

Next week, school opens.  I am ready to learn.  Hopefully, my students are too!  Off on another great adventure...teaching...who knew???

Taking Stock

THIS.  This is one of my favorite quotes.  It so eloquently describes what I have been through in the last few years.  Time is ticking for me.  I know I am getting older and I can't help wonder where I will be in a few years?

I must confess; I have often thought of giving up writing.  Yet, I continue because what if...what if this article, this blog, this book...changes my entire life?  What if I am on the pinnacle of something?

For a long time, I felt special.  I felt like, "YES!  This is going to happen!"  But some days?  Some days I find myself thinking that I am quite ordinary.  And then I wonder, "Is that so bad?"  After all, most people are ordinary.  I guess the frustration with me lies in the fact that I want to be extraordinary!

So, today I have decided it's time to take a look back to 2013 and track whether or not any real progress has been made.  In 2013, I got divorced.  I sold off all of my jewelry in order to get an apartment, put a down payment on a car and just survive.  I worked three jobs over the next two years.  I declared bankruptcy in 2015.  Hmmm, this does not look nor sound very promising.  

Moving forward...2016.  I am still in bankruptcy -- Chapter 13.  No high marks there.  However, I began writing the summer after my divorce and began a blog.  This is that blog.  I have built my readership up to over 56,000 readers worldwide. I write whenever I get a chance; in essence, it has become my second (unpaid) job.  Yet, I get immense satisfaction from it.  I have also started a second blog which has an amazing following as well.

I have met many wonderful people who have been incredible blessings in my life.  I have a roof over my head and food on my table.  I was blessed to not only visit my children and grandchildren this year but was also able to take a bona fide trip to San Diego for a few days, compliments of my significant other.  Oh and that's another thing...I got engaged last December.  No wedding plans as of yet...this girl is exceedingly gun-shy.  However, he has met my friends and family and they all seem to think he is really fun and cute -- for an old dude! (my words -- not theirs!)

I stay in touch with www.creditkarma.com and check my credit religiously.  It is, getting better.  My ex-husband has stopped paying spousal support because he can.  At this point, I have no money to go to court and so, things are tight.  However, I'm a survivor.  

I guess the bottom line is...I fell...fast and hard!  But I flew!  In this crazy world, I ...me...myself...managed to keep from completely falling on my face.   It has not been easy but darling...it has been so worthwhile! 

TRANSitional

trans·gen·der

transˈjendər,tranzˈjendər/

adjective

1. denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender.

My son is no longer mine.  She is an adult.  She is female.  She is transgender.

How do I write a thoughtful blog about this?   I asked her if it was okay and she said yes.  After all, she is posting publicly on Facebook.  Some days it is not easy.  I see posts that rattle me and I have to stay off for a few days.  Some days, I cry; not because I am not supportive but because I remember her as a little boy and I wonder how this happened?  What will happen?  Will she get the surgery she needs to make her feel whole? So many unanswered questions.

First things first...She says she knew she was transgender in middle school.  That would make sense.  Her grades dropped from A's and B's to D's and F's.  Highly unusual for such a bright child.  I couldn't understand it.  I was convinced it was a learning disability.  As it turns out, it was most likely confusion and depression.

In high school, she shared with me that she was gay.  That was hard, and I was not supportive.  At the time, I took a hard-lined Biblical approach.  Bad idea...want to turn your child off God forever?  Talk to them about how God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.  Yet, the lines of communication remained open.  When she was 17, she shared with me she was transgender.  That was nearly 10 years ago.

Now, first off, I want to say, transgender did not have the play that it does today.  There was very little known about it -- at least, that I could understand.  I took her to counseling -- a Christian counselor.  In retrospect, not a great idea.  I believe reparative therapy was probably looming on the horizon.  A few weeks in, she said she no longer wanted to go...my gut told me to let things lie.  I am glad I did not force the issue as I believe that it would have been damaging.

In college, she flunked out of school.  She did not work nor did she take classes.  She literally sat on our couch, watched TV and got high.  Self-medication.  Although she sported a heavy beard, I knew there was something going on...and I was right.  Depression.  Suicidal ideation.  She went out with "stoners".  There were several "bad" years.  I offered to pay for therapy but she refused.

Finally, last year, I told her it was time to move out.  She went back to school and got her own place.  It is then she began therapy.  I'm told she has some sort of gender dysphoria.  I'm not sure if that's the correct terminology but she is legitimately transgender.  She has lived as a female for a year.  She is now taking hormones to begin the transition to align the outer to match the inner.

So, why do I write about this?  I hear so many things on the Internet...specifically on Facebook.  Things, I would never EVER say to someone.  This child of mine is not just a child of mine but a child of God.  This is a person who is an amazing person.  Since her journey began, she has been taking classes and doing well in school as well as working and staying physically fit.  Gone are the days of a scruffy, unkempt look but rather, she is neatly groomed.  Truth be told, her body is more female than male and this was before hormones.  She is slight of stature and clothes from the junior department fit her just fine; great, in fact!  Most importantly, she is drug-free and happy!  Yes, I see her smile that beautiful, carefree smile of hers and it makes my heart soar.

As a mother, I go through days where I am in awe of this journey she is going through.  This is no small task.  I am thankful she knows who she is and knew before she did something like get married and have kids, as so many do.  There are also days that I am scared for her.  We do not live in a nice world.  People are cruel -- hateful -- and this is my child.   I always knew that she was special but just didn't understand.  As a baby, she was absolutely beautiful; and frankly, I found myself often pulling his hair up into a pony tail because he had a feminine look and reminded me so much of his older sisters.

So, for those who hate just because someone looks different -- remember.  They are someone's family.  They are loved by God.  God made them and truth be told, if everyone walked around without skin,  gender would be a non-issue.  My prayer for her is that she can truly find the peace she deserves.  That one day, she will be whole; that the person who she sees in the mirror will be a reflection of her inner self.  Something so very simple and yet, incredibly complicated.