Old and Sassy

This morning I woke up with sarcasm just rolling off my lips.  Quick to quip, my husband decided I needed a caffeine fix.  He was right.

You see, last Friday I had surgery and I've been pent up on our couch ever since.  Yesterday, was the first time I escaped our home in five days.  What a relief.  There are only so many, "My Great American Gypsy Wedding" shows you can watch before your mind turns to jello.

When a doctor tells you a procedure is minor and you're in your 50's...don't believe them!  I can tell you, my recovery from this is slow and it annoys a cantankerous, old broad like me.  Although it is indeed minor to the 20 or 30 year old, at 50, it is just nonsense.  But for the pain that I was having in my foot, I would not have embarked on this journey.  I will be wearing a boot for the next month and am losing the last 2 weeks of my summer break.  Ice and pillows have become my bff's.

My first post-op drive was to the podiatrist.  Despite WHERE I was going, I was happy just to get out.   I took a sponge bath the night before and washed my hair in the sink...date night! Unfortunately, I left about half the shampoo in.  We're in monsoon season and I recognized immediately, this could be a potential disaster.  One heavy rain and there would be suds everywhere.  Fortunately, the sky merely remained cloudy (although I must confess, I would have liked to have seen that transformation!  Yes, I am easily entertained these days.)  

The podiatrist changed my bandage -- and I must say, he does fine handiwork.  I think the scar will be minimal.  However, with a bandage change, my foot has become far more flexible.  Enter pain.  UGH!  He ordered pain meds and I got a call from the pharmacy as I was checking out of his office -- my insurance refused to pay for the pain meds he prescribed -- $86.00!  After talking to them for 10 minutes, he decided samples were the best way to go.  God.Bless.Him.

My husband and I decided to celebrate my being out by having dinner at our favorite local pub.  The familiar smell of cigarettes and beer hit my face the moment we hit the door.  We were greeted by our favorite waitress and ordered breakfast for dinner.  This was my first "real" meal post- surgery, as everything my husband cooked the past week has just made my stomach turn.  I have been on a heavy diet of toast and not much more.

Of course, that has made my waistline all the more "comfortable," as described by my husband.  Thank God for a man who loves a voluptuous woman 'cause he sure got one (and a half!)  After I got home and watched a Dr. Phil and several Judge Judy's, I realized I could no longer stand the feel of my hair.   The distinct feel of shampoo stickiness was more than I could bear. So, climbing onto a step-stool with my big, clunky boot and praying I would stay on the stool and not break my ass, I proceeded to first rinse (I was correct -- suds came rolling out) then, rewashing my hair.  Although it is now standing out in every direction, it does at least, feel clean.

I then decided I did not like my hair color.  No, I did not attempt this procedure myself (thank God!) but I did text my hairdresser until 9 PM with screenshots from Pinterest with suggestions for my next appointment.  I am actually choosing what I would deem a "normal" color, having spent the past year as gray, pink, platinum, red and burgundy.  I am slowly accepting that at 57, perhaps pink and purple are not the colors for me.  But, it is a relatively harmless change (except for the bald patches on my head!  Just kidding...)

And so, this morning, I am snarky.  I am going to see the movie Dunkirk later today and not sure how that will play out with my sarcasm in tow.  I am certain it will die down (no pun intended).  I'm not sure about watching a film of that intensity, having watched every reality show that no one could ever possibly want to see and then some.  I will probably cry.   Of course, I am starting to cry when I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" so it will actually be nice to cry to something of substance.

As my nausea from pain meds gears up, so must this blog die down.  It has been a fun, little diversion for the last 20 minutes.  I promised myself I would read but cannot seem to focus.  Must be the meds.  Maybe the pain or nausea.  In any case, I can tell you this much.  Getting old does give one certain advantages -- you can be as sassy as you like and no one will bat an eye.  I am thankful this nausea is from pain meds rather than pregnancy...a strong reminder that getting old is indeed a blessing!

Oola Goal Check Up

Picture of The Oola Bus -- some of my goals are on their VW bus.  The OolaGuys goal is to collect 1,000,000 dreams on that bus.  Changing the world with a word:  Oola

So, it is midyear since OolaPalooza 2016.  I vowed 2017 would be a great year and in many ways, it has been.  I have looked at my own "mini-surfboard" with my goals written on them several times over the last couple of weeks and realize, I need to get going on these...the final push!

My goals were the following:

Field -- mentor others in the area of finance
Faith -- mentor students to believe in themselves and achieve their goals
Finance -- add an extra $150/month toward my student loans
Friends -- look for mentors to meet up with regularly
Fitness--have a healthy BMI within 1 year and physically fit within 6 months
Family -- work toward a healthy marriage/relationship
Fun -- I didn't write anything; I think I decided I was having enough fun and added an extra fitness goal!!

So, how did I measure up so far?

Field:

I spent several months trying to put together a group for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  Unfortunately, my home church was not interested.  I sort of gave up but now am pressing other places for that opportunity.  I cannot do this on my own as the kits for it need to be purchased ahead of time and I simply don't have the funds for that; I need a "backer".  However, the good news is I have been approved by Dave Ramsey's group to facilitate a class since spring.  I am still working on the logistics.  Hopefully, it will happen this fall.

Faith:
Met.  I mentored many students throughout the school year.  Of the many special education students that passed through room 203, 92% passed English 11 for the school year.  My goal was 60%.  I far surpassed my own expectations of what these students could do-- they rose and met the challenge to become the best they could be.

Finance:
This is interesting.  No, I did not add $150/month toward my student loans.  However, I found a company that is helping me sort through the financial quagmire I have been left with post-divorce.  Bottom line, it is slow and I will be debt-free in 10 years.  But considering where I started, I am happy I will be able to retire debt-free!  Additionally, my bankruptcy was discharged which removed close to $100,000 in debt.  Not the way to go for everyone but for me, it was a necessary evil.

Friends:
I have fallen short in the friends category.  Turns out, I am the mentor rather than the mentee (is there such a word?)  I have mentored teachers and students this past year but still looking for folks to help me out with regards to my goals.  I am still looking.  Volunteers?

Family:
I seem to have aced this category.  I went from "I don't ever want to get married" to "I do" in a period of 6 months.  There was a slight push...my fiance became ill and needed care.  FMLA does not allow unmarrieds to care for one another. And so, the wedding date was moved up.  Of course, the "I do" is the easy part.  It's the marriage that's the challenge!

Fitness:
Aaaah -- the bane of my existence.  My fitness goal.  Truth is, I have been exercising regularly with the help of my daughter who is a personal trainer.  It is a bit of a struggle as I do have a bad foot (for which I am having surgery later this month).  That will, sideline me about 4 weeks.  On the positive side, I am definitely stronger than I was.  My bat wings are disappearing.  With any luck, they will be gone by Halloween!   I also want to start yoga in the fall and some stress management techniques.  I truly suck at managing stress in my life (and unfortunately, it is simply a part of life).  Now for the bad news -- I weigh the same as I did six months ago.  I keep playing with the same 5 pounds.  My counselor did say that stress (again, managing it is not my strong suit) can affect weight loss.  And Lord knows, I've had my share.  However, I am hoping stress management and yoga will help me progress with this goal.

Fun:
Yeah, I'm good.  Weekly movies, dinner out, get-togethers with friends, a mini-vacay, and eloping with my honey (which frankly, was the most fun I've ever had in Vegas!)

And so, although not perfect, I am continuing to progress toward my goals.  No, I have not met them yet but am working systematically in my haphazard sort of way toward them.  I continue to seek balance and growth in the seven key areas of my life.  I watch my friends "knocking their goals outta the ballpark" while I am slow and steady.  They say, don't compare your journey to that of others.  I agree -- we all have completely different lives.  If I could change one thing, it would be to meet rather than improve in areas.  I need to work harder on THAT goal!  So, which category does that fit into?

Friends

There are friends and then, there are friends.  What do I mean by this?  I have a variety of friends that I sort of tend to categorize.  Admit it -- I bet you do the same thing...right?

First off, I have my BFF's.  I have more than one -- each knowing me so well, but also, offering different perspectives on life.  For instance, one I have known 50 years -- a lifetime.  She makes me laugh and we pick up where we leave off every time we get together.  Then, I have another BFF who has known me since my divorce.  This person has seen me through thick and thin, and knows how much I have grown.  Both of these people are folks I can count on no matter what the situation and they are completely non-judgmental.  We are of the same generation and share similar life stories.   We love each other dearly and would walk through fire for one another.

There are also friends that you meet and remain friends throughout life.  Mostly former neighbors who, although are still important, have walked a different journey than myself.  As time goes by, we do not stay in touch as much as we used to, but when we meet up, it is as if nothing has changed over the last twenty years.  They are people you can count on and love with all your heart.  We are bonded by our children and old memories; yet continue to make new ones.

Then, I have the friends I hang with on the day-to-day.  We go out to dinners together, coffees, lunches, have parties-- whatever.  We are a pack of older folks who just love each other's company.  We are always there for each other but our relationship tends to be deep on a different level.  We are, in a sense, a family.  All of us have relocated to Vegas for various reasons and have worked together at one time or another.  We are our own little support group.  We are a variety of generations.  Our journey in this strange place called Las Vegas allows us to bond on a whole different level.

I also have my mentors; people I have met in life through social media.  They offer support on life decisions.  They may not realize the impact they have on my life but they are each incredibly important.  They have supported me throughout my divorce and watched me soar to heights I never thought attainable.  They are also bold, to some degree, as to what is helpful to growing and what is not helpful for growing.   I may not always listen to them because my journey is different from theirs; but their advice is very much valued and contemplated.  We follow each others journeys and cheer one another on as we reach our goals.

Lastly, I have a group of friends who are important on the day-to-day.  They are my work colleagues.  Although we may "just" be lunch buddies and plan lessons together, there is a certain camaraderie.  We understand each other's joys and upsets in the classroom.  We laugh and relieve stress during the day.  We reach out to one another when we have a problem at home which may affect our performance as teachers.  We are, indelibly bonded by our work lives.

Everyone has friends.  We may have one lifelong friend, or we may have several friends we have accumulated through our many years of living.  Each has a special place in our heart.  Without these people in my life, I would not be the person I am today.  We are...friends.

Spiritual Sickness

2 Corinthians 12:9

Verse Concepts

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Today I went to lunch with some friends and we got on the subject of spiritual sickness.  It began when I confessed the anger I felt toward my ex-husband for leaving me in financial ruins.  One gal questioned why I was still angry and I said, because I am reminded each and every month of it as I pay the bills.  Fair enough.  She then asked me if my ex-husband was spiritually sound.  Was he?  Not during the period I knew him.  And so, therein lies my answer.

You see, when we are spiritually sick, it is just as if we have cancer or some other physical illness except it affects everything; decisions, relationships, beliefs, etc.  And, let's face it -- who among us is perfect?  I'm not!  If we each held a measuring stick from us to our Heavenly Father, how far short would we fall?  I dare say,  A LOT!

So what is spiritual sickness?  Spiritual sickness can manifest itself in many ways:  fear and anxiety (check), resentment, anger and blame (check), guilt, shame and remorse (check), irritability and chronic negativity (healed), addictive behaviors (check), apathy and listlessness (sometimes), physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach upsets, muscle tension and fatigue (check), inability to form healthy attachments (healed), depression (check), and soul loss by those who have suffered abuse or some sort of trauma (healed).  So, as I'm analyzing whether or not my ex has spiritual sickness, I see I too suffer from it to a great degree.  Me!  One who has an incredible amount of faith!   And yet, my faith is not enough...not yet.

And so, what do we do when we find we do indeed have some forms of spiritual sickness.  First, surrender yourself wholly and completely to God.  We are where He wants us to be and no matter what we do, at the end of the day, He is in control.  Oh, you have debt?  Yes, you can worry and stew about how many years it will take to pay it off or you can do your best and hand the rest over to Him.  After all, do we even know if we will be here tomorrow?  And how much of our joy is stolen from worry and upset?  THAT is exactly what Satan would love ...to steal our joy!  So, don't let him do it!  Hand your worries to God.

Additionally, pray -- pray that God will heal your hurts.  Turn over your life completely to Him.  He loves us more than anyone, so let His love blanket you and fill you with His peace.

Next, stay in God's word...Read the Bible daily.  If there are any inconsistencies in the way you live your life versus what God's Word says, then change the way you live.  There are no inconsistencies in His Word.  If you find you have questions, seek guidance from someone who is knowledgeable -- a pastor, Christian counselor or friend.  One who you know to have  a true understanding of God's Word.

Finally, worship God.  Go to church.  Listen to how you can apply God's Word to your life.  You can also attend a Bible study, listen to worship music or sit outside on your patio and enjoy nature.  God reveals Himself to us in the most miraculous of ways.  You just have to "seek and you will find."

So, the next time you find yourself angry at someone -- don't look to them; look to yourself. See where you are falling short.  Then turn to God and ask Him to take your shortfalls and mold you into the person he wants you to become.  He is the potter, you are the clay; in essence, you are His masterpiece.

Men and Wine

I have to admit -- when I met my husband, I did not know he was as old as he was.   I seemed to recall writing in a maximum age of 63 on the online dating site profile; turns out, he was 67.  Twelve years older than myself.  Not what I had envisioned.  Yet, he was a youthful-looking man, and I swore he didn't look a day over 60.  I was scared, but continued to date him.  He was fun and charming.  What was the harm?  After all, I wasn't looking for a lifetime partner. We had a series of ups and downs that first summer.  The first of many break-ups.  I was not ready for him.

Fast forward 10 months.  Things were getting serious.  He bought a ring for me.  Not just that, he went back to work so he could buy a ring for me.  I still didn't really want to get married but said "Yes" to the proposal.  Why?  I'm not even sure why...I just knew that I couldn't say "No."

Three months later, I moved in with him.  He said it would save me money.  Besides, I was over so often, "Why not?"  Why not, indeed.  I could save money by moving in but it was a rocky time.  We had many fights.  I was scared.  I didn't want to be here.  Too little space -- he owned a one-story home while I had never lived in anything but a two-story for most of my life.  His home was bigger, yet I felt claustrophobic at times.

A year passed.  Then, one day, while driving home, I saw the garbage cans sitting outside.  It was a familiar sight and one that signaled home.  It showed me love.  I felt love; something that I hadn't ever really felt before -- and suddenly, I knew.  He was the man for me.

A few weeks later, I thought about our relationship.  Where were we going?  Did I really just want to be a live-in?  Is it possible that I could want to really marry this man?  I had said I would but would I really do it?  In the past two years, I had looked for a thousand excuses to leave.  I decided that I didn't want that kind of relationship.  I loved him and wanted to marry him.  We set a date.  We planned.  And then, things went horribly awry.

Shortly before the wedding he became ill; seriously ill.  And I again, questioned the age difference.  Did I really want to marry someone who could be chronically ill or die?  I played this question over and over in my mind.  And then he went to the hospital a second time, and I thought he was going to die.  And I started crying.  I didn't want to lose him.

So, how does one go from casual dating to this is the man I will love and cherish forever, even when he is ill?  I'll tell you how.  This is the secret of marrying an older man.

An older man opens car doors for you.  He takes the extra time to walk around the car for you.  An older man will tell you how gorgeous you are; he appreciates every stretch mark, wrinkle and gray hair you may have.  Whereas I dated men in their 50's, they seemed to be hypercritical -- apparently, I was not thin enough for their taste.  On the other hand, this man describes me as comfortable.  He loves my body and is not shy about showing or telling me such things.  During 

the summer months, he fixes my coffee.  He does not look like an Adonis, nor does he need to.  He has sparkling blue eyes, gray hair and wrinkles.  He is real.  He has lived a lifetime and is willing to let me live mine as I see fit.   He loves an independent woman. He snuggles and recognizes that life is short, having lost his last wife at my age.  He is a consummate gentleman and yet, he can be bawdy and funny -- making me laugh until I cry!  

Yet, most women pine for a younger man.  A young man may look better but they do not have the experience or wisdom to understand what a woman longs for.  A woman longs for a mate -- one who will cherish her as she is...and not look for younger, thinner or better looking.  A woman longs for a man who will provide for her and make her feel safe.  A woman longs for a man to look at her in a way that shows he loves her -- you can see it in the eyes.  A woman wants a man who is thrilled to have her and does not look any further.  I have that man.

I almost missed it.  I almost missed seeing that an older gentleman is a treasure and not a liability.  I almost missed having the love I always dreamed of, thinking about all the "what-ifs?"  I almost missed being with an incredible smile, who makes me laugh at ourselves and our silly, stupid love.  I almost missed out...

It's often been said that women and wine get better with age.  Truth be told, I think it's the same with men.  An older man (or a very mature younger man) can make the difference between "coffee and a movie" kind of relationship or someone who remains in your heart forever.  I chose  the path less traveled...I chose the latter.  

Blues

And so, vacation blues have hit.  After two fabulous days in San Diego, I am exhausted, depressed and anxious.  With doctors appointments looming, familial messes that are coming to light and work just around the corner, I am feeling completely overwhelmed.  I am also looking over my goals from the last four years and realize there are some pretty big ones that I haven't hit...I can't help but wonder if these two have something to do with my depression.

First, there is my book.  I vowed I would work on it this summer and I can't even look at it right now.  At the time I wrote it, I felt it was perfect.  I am now wondering.  Is it?  Is this the work God had planned for me?  If so, why am I struggling so with it?  I was ready to publish three years ago and now, it just sits.  It is, a cautionary tale with elements of courage, strength and perseverance.  I realize I am no longer that person.  I have, in a sense, traded in my hard work and efforts for love.   Have I sold out?  Perhaps I am letting down people who need to hear my story?  Know that they can do anything they set their mind to?  It is something I have been thinking about long and hard.

I also never met my weight loss goal.  Again, I am married and my husband loves me the way I am.  Do I need to change?  I don't feel like I look my best and yet, he adores every square inch of me...thin, fat or otherwise.  So, maybe I have made too much of this weight loss goal all these years?  Maybe it is the voice of my upbringing that is ringing in my ears.  Or perhaps, I actually realize that my health could be in jeopardy?  I'm not sure which; puzzling to say the least.

Lastly, I am looking at my friends who started where I was four years ago.   I was going great guns a couple of years back and now?  I have settled in -- or have I settled?  I am not who I was four years ago.  They, on the other hand, are knocking their goals out of the ball park.  They are, unfettered.  A different journey altogether.

Today, I had a talk with my daughter.  The truth is, on many levels, I am frustrated and bitter with the situation I was left with...I do not feel healed.  I am angry.  As I hear of my ex travelling to Paris, I can't help but wonder, "How is he funding these trips?"  He moved abroad to escape having to pay any debt (he has dual citizenship) and left me holding the bag.  Since he has no job, I can only surmise that my belief he stole money from our family is correct.  I cannot reconcile that in my head...who does that to a wife of 31 years and two children?  I am angry...furious...and yet,  I know I need to forgive him.  I believe in God and that he will one day...one day -- even out this injustice.  I shared liberally with him my inheritance and he chose to do the wrong thing; leave me $200,000 in debt. It's a hard pill to swallow.

And so, I am happy -- albeit, overwhelmed by life.  I know life is never perfect and it is what we make of it.  As summer wears on, I miss my grandchildren but don't want to leave my husband.  I am torn.  I want time away -- alone -- in a cabin on a lake.  Yes, that sounds great!  I need a getaway and yet, I WAS just away.  And so, as summer wears on, so will life.  "This too shall pass."  It will.  It will just take time to get rid of these summertime blues.