Blues

And so, vacation blues have hit.  After two fabulous days in San Diego, I am exhausted, depressed and anxious.  With doctors appointments looming, familial messes that are coming to light and work just around the corner, I am feeling completely overwhelmed.  I am also looking over my goals from the last four years and realize there are some pretty big ones that I haven't hit...I can't help but wonder if these two have something to do with my depression.

First, there is my book.  I vowed I would work on it this summer and I can't even look at it right now.  At the time I wrote it, I felt it was perfect.  I am now wondering.  Is it?  Is this the work God had planned for me?  If so, why am I struggling so with it?  I was ready to publish three years ago and now, it just sits.  It is, a cautionary tale with elements of courage, strength and perseverance.  I realize I am no longer that person.  I have, in a sense, traded in my hard work and efforts for love.   Have I sold out?  Perhaps I am letting down people who need to hear my story?  Know that they can do anything they set their mind to?  It is something I have been thinking about long and hard.

I also never met my weight loss goal.  Again, I am married and my husband loves me the way I am.  Do I need to change?  I don't feel like I look my best and yet, he adores every square inch of me...thin, fat or otherwise.  So, maybe I have made too much of this weight loss goal all these years?  Maybe it is the voice of my upbringing that is ringing in my ears.  Or perhaps, I actually realize that my health could be in jeopardy?  I'm not sure which; puzzling to say the least.

Lastly, I am looking at my friends who started where I was four years ago.   I was going great guns a couple of years back and now?  I have settled in -- or have I settled?  I am not who I was four years ago.  They, on the other hand, are knocking their goals out of the ball park.  They are, unfettered.  A different journey altogether.

Today, I had a talk with my daughter.  The truth is, on many levels, I am frustrated and bitter with the situation I was left with...I do not feel healed.  I am angry.  As I hear of my ex travelling to Paris, I can't help but wonder, "How is he funding these trips?"  He moved abroad to escape having to pay any debt (he has dual citizenship) and left me holding the bag.  Since he has no job, I can only surmise that my belief he stole money from our family is correct.  I cannot reconcile that in my head...who does that to a wife of 31 years and two children?  I am angry...furious...and yet,  I know I need to forgive him.  I believe in God and that he will one day...one day -- even out this injustice.  I shared liberally with him my inheritance and he chose to do the wrong thing; leave me $200,000 in debt. It's a hard pill to swallow.

And so, I am happy -- albeit, overwhelmed by life.  I know life is never perfect and it is what we make of it.  As summer wears on, I miss my grandchildren but don't want to leave my husband.  I am torn.  I want time away -- alone -- in a cabin on a lake.  Yes, that sounds great!  I need a getaway and yet, I WAS just away.  And so, as summer wears on, so will life.  "This too shall pass."  It will.  It will just take time to get rid of these summertime blues.