Apples

They always say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....they would be right.  My daughter is a blogger, a near-type A personality and former strong-willed child.  She is a mother to 5 and works full-time.   She has, in her blog this evening, just shared more than I wanted to know...she too suffers from mental illness.  It is a stigma and it is time to dispel it.  Just as if we had cancer that ran in the family, this just happens to take a different form.  It can't be seen and it is a constant struggle with our inner demons.  

I say this because, I too suffer from anxiety and depression.  Mine started a little earlier than hers...primarily the result of post traumatic stress disorder and an unhappy marriage.  I suffered from anxiety attacks in college that progressed as I got older.  I could not work in my 20's and chose to do the acceptable thing...have children and be a stay-at-home mommy.  I was criticized for being lazy.  No one really understood, least of all my parents who had paid for my college education.  

At this point, let me say, this apple doesn't fall too far from her tree.  A family with a history of psychiatric disorders and a former husband who at the time, told me it was a shame to take medication or see a doctor for this type of illness, I ended up not seeking professional help until I was thirty -- it was that or suicide.  I could no longer cope and I didn't want to leave three small children wondering why they didn't have a mommy.  

Over the years, my depression and anxiety has at times, gotten the best of me.  Although better now than I have ever been, suicidal ideations have, during difficult times, pushed through.  Having had a parent who committed suicide, I can talk my way past the thoughts.  They are, just thoughts.  I also am a very strong Christian and know that is not the path God would want me to take.

My heart breaks as I read of my daughter's struggles.  I had no idea.  She wrote everyone thinks she has it all together. She is right.  She talks about her children wanting to 'nuggle with her.  To be honest, I wish I were there to 'nuggle with her as well.  I know her pain all too well.  It is all-consuming and yet, we push through.  

The blessing in all of this is we are strong women.  No, it doesn't cure our health issues but it does help us get through the day.  It hurts when your child hurts.  It doesn't matter if they are 6 or 60.  The pain is palpable.  As I pray for her tonight, I will hold her in my dreams.  I will pray her nightmares stop.  I will also pray, my nightmares stop.  Our blessings lie with our families...both of us have amazing husbands and children.  

I am glad she is getting help.  And I write this...not just for me but for anyone else who has struggled with their mind.  If you struggle with mental health issues, please get help.  It may not go away completely but there is a better way.  Remember, you were designed by God for greatness.  You can move forward.  Life is good and it's way too short.  Live whatever life you have to the fullest.  Most of all, love yourself.  Stop being so damned judgmental when you look in the mirror.  Be kind.  That person is struggling.