Buyer Beware!

Before you apply for another credit card, student loan, car loan or any other kind of loan, I beg you to hear me out.  I have a tale that I am certain is not too uncommon for the masses; and it's not pretty, either.  It's a tale of how I got myself into the kind of debt that makes one contemplate suicide; particularly when you are not in a healthy state of mind to begin with.

My story begins in 2004, when I decided to return to school.  At the time, my then husband, encouraged me to take out as much as I could in student loans.  I kept asking him, "Are you sure?"  Clearly, at this point, a normal individual can see that I was not in a good frame of mind, I trusted him and also, I had no financial knowledge.  He said "yes."  And so, I did.

I have to confess, having a few extra dollars in the bank made life easier for us.  However, in the back of my mind I kept wondering how we were going to pay all of it back?  I was going for a Master's degree in Special Education but having no education background, also had to take about an extra 40+ hours in coursework.  I trusted he had a plan.  I was wrong.

In fact, we divorced in 2013, making this story even more frightening.  I had little income at the time, making $38,000 and probably, $150,000+ in student loan debt.  I never used credit cards much so fortunately, I only had about $1,500 in that sort of debt and only because of interest that was mounting.  No, the lion's share was and is, the student loans.  However, in 2015, I received a legal notice on our house in St. Louis, which had been foreclosed on in 2012.  Another legal wrangle.  And so, I filed bankruptcy as I could not, despite working 3 jobs and receiving spousal support afford any other payments.

2016...spousal support stopped coming in April and consistently from June forward.  I was eligible for a Chapter 7 bankruptcy.  Mind you, student loans are excluded from bankruptcy -- however, it did buy me a little time to catch my breath.

2017, the loan repayment amounts are now being re-billed with interest for the year and a half that I did not pay on them -- and they are massive.  $175,000!  I am frustrated because my ex has flown the coop for his home country, and a group of loans are a spousal consolidation -- which are now illegal.  Although the interest rate is low, the spousal consolidation has excluded them from any loan forgiveness, despite the fact I am a public servant.  They have never been paid on time because -- I'm sorry to say -- my ex is a deadbeat and never paid our bills on time.  And so, as I stare at a payment of $1200/month, I am sick to my stomach.  I bring home $1600 every two weeks.  The other two loans are just over $400 which means, I get to keep one whole paycheck.

The truth is, I used the money at the time but because of intimidation, lack of self-esteem and insufficient knowledge of how money and debt works,  I ended up with a whopping amount of debt that I will probably never be able to pay off.

Fortunately, I am no longer at the point where suicide seems like a viable answer.  I have in fact, taken charge and am using every means I can to see if it is possible to reduce the payments.  It is, at best, a horrific mess.

At the time, my gut kept saying "no" but I chose to listen to my then-spouse.  It is a hefty price I am paying because I was too emotionally battered to understand the enormity of what I would be left with if we ever separated. Although this story does not have a happy ending, such as money dropping from the sky or that I become the benefactor of some unknown estate, it does have some positive points.  It allows me to tell my story. So before you decide you want to "establish" credit by getting five credit cards, decide -- do I need it?  If you can't pay cash for it, perhaps you really don't.

If you are back in school -- do it the most economical way possible -- not the easiest way possible.   Although I worked through school, I probably should have had a higher paying job or gone for a career that pays more than a little over minimum wage to start.  Use student loans for tuition not for life.  If I can help one person who is in a situation where they are intimidated by their spouse ie: emotional abuse,  or have helped them understand the burden of debt, then I have done my job.  Take Dave Ramsey's course Financial Peace University.  It will teach you a lot about money.  I wish I had taken it in my 20's.  Instead, I am nearing retirement age, with no retirement in sight.  Before you reach for those new pair of shoes, just remember...buyer beware!

Spoiler Alert

So, if you have been reading my blogs, this little picture above clearly lets you know if I'm running to or from the man I love....everyone loves a great love story, right?

Today, after messing around with wills (and I mean, the legal kind) it became very apparent to both of us that we needed to set a date or write up a new will in six months.  Truth be told, my mind was made up on Valentine's Day.

We met up with a group of friends at a little bar that has a live band.  And my fiance and I danced, a slow dance.  Never mind this is music I grew up on..."Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton was being played by this little band.  And I fell -- hard.  No, not on the ground but "in love".  As in I looked up at my fiance's face while we were dancing and saw the smile on his face...the sparkle in his dark blue eyes...and I knew right then and there, I could wait no longer.  Done deal.

So what was different about that night than all the others?  It was actually an accumulation of things over the past two years.  Daily texts telling me how much he loves me or to say have a great day, GORGEOUS!  Let's not forget the "gorgeous" because that is ever so important!  Coming home to a warm and welcoming hug and kiss.  Waking up in the middle of the night to find he is holding my hand.  Or to feel him kissing my face as I am sleeping.

It's not just the little things but the fact that he "channels" my mother. He has many Midwestern sayings that he grew up on because of his own Midwestern mother, lest I forget, he is a tried and true, So Cal boy!  Surfer dude from back in the 60's.  When is the last time I heard the expression, "Peck's Bad Boy?"  Well, before my love, it was out of my mother's mouth -- probably several years before she passed away.  And the blooming roses outside...a sure sign, at least in my heart, that I have my dad's approval on this guy.

Yes, he's twelve years older than me, and doesn't have the perfect feet that I look for in a mate (yes, I know it is peculiar at best).  Yet, his other qualities far outweigh the fact that his feet are less than stellar (in my humble opinion).   He has stated unequivocally that as a diabetic, he is lucky to have feet.  True story.  And his sharp, sense of humor is another reason I love him.  Frankly, he makes me laugh more than I have in a very long time.

 As people have asked me, ever so indelicately, am I willing to wipe his @ss in our golden years, I can say without hesitation, "Yes"!  And God forbid that either of us should become ill, we will weather it, as in all storms in life.  With God at the forefront, we are certain to not just get through it but to come out the other side.

And so, (spoiler alert), the date is set for June 10.  Just a small gathering for whatever family members choose to join the festivities, then a honeymoon to Hawaii.  When we get back, we will probably throw a party -- a celebration for our friends.  And then, hoping to get away for a week-end in Sonoma.

For now, the planning commences.  And let me tell you, in Vegas there are an amazing number of venues and ways to get married.  All you need is your imagination.  Who knows?  We may just sky dive into the Elvis wedding chapel or have a huge pancake breakfast at the Denny's that marries and then feeds you.  Yes, it is all very exciting.  But the most exciting part, is sharing my life with this man!

Here Comes the Bride

Ah, so here comes the bride...maybe!  I have had cold feet -- more like cold sweats.  I have been engaged for a year and each time I try to sit down and think about getting married, I freak out.  I'm not sure what this means?  Am I not ready to get married or is this simply not the man for me?

I have had plenty of people (more than I like to admit), tell me I'm settling.  I sort of take issue with that; in some ways, maybe.  But truth be told, there is no perfect person out there.  None.  And so, if I am with someone who makes me laugh and loves to do the same things I do, is this wrong to want to spend my life with him?  On the other hand, I see their point.  He is twelve years older than me.  I am wondering, what will our golden years really look like?  Does it matter?

I put the word out yesterday that we were going to get married this spring.  And then, I wavered.  More like faltered.  Fall...fall is better. More time to get in shape.  More time to decide if I'm really ready to get married.  He has suggested we just live together and have wills, providing for the other.  Now it gets messy.  I've watched enough "Judge Judy" in my day to see what happens if it doesn't work out.  I also don't want to just "play house".

We are older, so no children are involved.  You might be wondering (as we both are), what's the rush?  Is there a rush?  Not really.  But the longer we stay together, the deeper the heartstrings.  Either could walk away.  Is that what we really want?

And so, life remains status quo.  I can't move forward yet, I can't move backward.  I wish I could say, "Let's just do it!" as he has suggested so many times.  I remember the pain.  I questioned my last marriage before tying the knot and it was indeed disastrous.  Is this my gut, serving as a warning?  Or just sheer terror at the thought of getting married again?

October or November sounds like a lovely time to get married.  After my parents' wedding anniversary but before Thanksgiving.  I might be ready by then.  For now, I look at wedding dresses, trying to imagine life with another person again.  I look at venues, trying to figure out what is reasonable to spend on a second wedding for 30 of my closest friends.  I think about a "real" honeymoon and spending the rest of my life with this man.  For richer, for poorer.  In sickness and in health.  Til death do us part.  I guess the biggest question is, which direction will I run?  Toward him or away from him?  For now, I'm leaving it in God's hands and letting Him guide my path.