Here Comes the Bride

Ah, so here comes the bride...maybe!  I have had cold feet -- more like cold sweats.  I have been engaged for a year and each time I try to sit down and think about getting married, I freak out.  I'm not sure what this means?  Am I not ready to get married or is this simply not the man for me?

I have had plenty of people (more than I like to admit), tell me I'm settling.  I sort of take issue with that; in some ways, maybe.  But truth be told, there is no perfect person out there.  None.  And so, if I am with someone who makes me laugh and loves to do the same things I do, is this wrong to want to spend my life with him?  On the other hand, I see their point.  He is twelve years older than me.  I am wondering, what will our golden years really look like?  Does it matter?

I put the word out yesterday that we were going to get married this spring.  And then, I wavered.  More like faltered.  Fall...fall is better. More time to get in shape.  More time to decide if I'm really ready to get married.  He has suggested we just live together and have wills, providing for the other.  Now it gets messy.  I've watched enough "Judge Judy" in my day to see what happens if it doesn't work out.  I also don't want to just "play house".

We are older, so no children are involved.  You might be wondering (as we both are), what's the rush?  Is there a rush?  Not really.  But the longer we stay together, the deeper the heartstrings.  Either could walk away.  Is that what we really want?

And so, life remains status quo.  I can't move forward yet, I can't move backward.  I wish I could say, "Let's just do it!" as he has suggested so many times.  I remember the pain.  I questioned my last marriage before tying the knot and it was indeed disastrous.  Is this my gut, serving as a warning?  Or just sheer terror at the thought of getting married again?

October or November sounds like a lovely time to get married.  After my parents' wedding anniversary but before Thanksgiving.  I might be ready by then.  For now, I look at wedding dresses, trying to imagine life with another person again.  I look at venues, trying to figure out what is reasonable to spend on a second wedding for 30 of my closest friends.  I think about a "real" honeymoon and spending the rest of my life with this man.  For richer, for poorer.  In sickness and in health.  Til death do us part.  I guess the biggest question is, which direction will I run?  Toward him or away from him?  For now, I'm leaving it in God's hands and letting Him guide my path.