My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

So what has it been?  A year since I've written?  Easily.  And just as easily, I am at the same weight.  But this is my year.  How am I so sure?  Because  I have finally realized there is not easy way to lose weight.  It requires eating less and moving more.  And the eating less is 80% of the formula.

I also have not been realistic.  I have been cheating on myself.  Yes, I have been lying to myself about how many pounds I need to lose.  My doctor got real with me when I had a very thorough check up.  He told me the truth, and it wasn't pretty.

It took me awhile to accept the number of pounds he told me I needed to lose.  And then, instead of burying my head in the sand, I decided to come up with a plan.  My weight is the culmination of a good 20+ years of unhealthy eating and lack of exercise; and so to expect immediate results is not realistic.

And so,  I had to get real, and make a plan. How many pounds can I realistically lose in a month?  To me, six was the magic number.  That is a pound and a half a week; resulting in all my weight being gone by February 2020.  Now, this is no small task and in fact, there is a reason I chose that month and year.  It will be my 60th birthday and I do believe, the 60 of today does not have to look like the 60 of yesteryear.

Growing up,  my dad was a doctor and his 60 year old patients were retired, walking on canes and living not much beyond 65.  Today, it's different.  With a healthy lifestyle, women can expect to live into their 80's -- easily.  Fortunately, I have longevity in my family on my mother's side and most women lived until their 90's.  And I want my 90's to be spectacular.  I personally believe in the next 30 years, medicine will make great strides and that, with a little help from my friends, will be able to dance at my great-grandchildren's wedding (to disco music, no less!)

So of course, we all know our "why" plays a huge part in weight loss because let's face it -- motivation and even, inspiration wanes. So, what is my why?  First of all, I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  For years, I felt my weight was insurmountable and that is a  limiting belief that I have to fight.  I also had a "why bother" attitude because of my age.  Reality is hitting.  It doesn't matter how old (or young) you are...your health is important.  Looking good is important.  You don't have to have movie star looks but certainly should do the best you can with the looks you have been blessed with (yes, you heard me).  For years, I believed I was the ugly duckling -- curly hair, long nose, lots of curves.  But guess what?  My daughter looks exactly like me and she is no ugly duckling.  She is gorgeous!  So, why did I feel this way?  

Growing up in the 1960's.  Think about it -- who was en vogue?  Twiggy.  Thin, straight hair, small nose.  In 8th grade, all it took was one person to call me "the Schnozz" and that was it...I felt ugly until my 30's.  What changed?  Nothing.  I just realized as I got older that my nose was normal.  It was my dad's nose but not overly long...and it was straight.  I actually have a somewhat decent nose. 

Then came the the 70's  with the ice skater Dorothy Hamill...remember her 'do?  Every girl had it -- except me.  How I longed for straight hair -- and I had my hair straightened.  But then, one day, as the straightened hair began to grow out, I saw curls.  And so, I let my hair go curly...I had a great head of hair and grew into that look.  Eventually (in the 80's), curls were "in".  Fast forward to the 90's.  I had my third child and had 20 pounds left to lose.  I lost it and looked fabulous.  Size 9 and I still thought I was fat.  Go figure.  Best shape of my life.

Well, although those days are over, it does not mean that I can't look as good as I can for a 58-soon-to-be 59 year old.  But now, here's the other piece to the equation.  As a child I was sexually abused and for those who don't think that can take a toll on your body, think again.  To this day, when I lose weight, men look.  I see it.  And it makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.  To me, the looks are not compliments.  They are leering eyes along with unwanted comments --and I want to hide.  And I've done a fabulous job over my lifetime.  Hiding behind the weight.  This is something I have to overcome or I will never achieve my goals.

And so, with every last fiber of my being, I pray to God to help me on this journey.  I hope to encourage those of you who have struggled with weight.  I plan to write, not just for accountability but to see how far along I have come.  This is the battle of a lifetime -- and for my life.

Having said that, it is time to move forward.  I know I am not alone in this struggle.  And it pains me that I have been on this journey for years.  But it is time to get my Oola on, and just do it.  It is a journey of a thousand steps or in this case, one pound at a time.  It's doable and it is going to be my year.  

Who are You?

Yesterday I was talking with a friend who paid me a really nice complement; telling me how accomplished I was and that I was really smart.  I kind of pooh-pooh the compliment -- a wave of the hand sort of response -- by saying, "not really" and yet, this person circled the wagon,  and insisted it was true.  I conceded with a very lame, "thank you."  Now, here's the question ... how many of you do the same thing?

This, my friends, is negative self-talk.  We let the noise of other people get inside our heads.  Where does this come from?  For me, it comes from my past.  I never felt good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, perfect enough.  You see, perfection (or at least striving for it) was key in our family.  If you didn't become a doctor (which I'm not), you're not good enough.  Doctors are rich and money equals success.  Unfortunately, the people in my family that believed that are no longer alive to see how my life is turning out.  It's quite different than anyone (myself included) imagined.

Over Christmas, my youngest child said to me, "Mom, you're a success!"  I said, "Really?" in complete disbelief.  Let's face it -- I don't have money other than my day-to-day paycheck, I am a teacher (not a highly esteemed job), I don't own a house or live a remotely lavish lifestyle.  I am in fact, in debt to my eyeballs.  Yet, in his eyes, I am a success.  I asked him why he felt that way.  He said, "You don't have to have money to be a success.  You are working at a job you love, you are happy, and you have a roof over your head and food on the table."  There you have it...his definition of success.  I must have done something right.

Am I a success?  The truth is -- if we take out money and personal belongings as a definition of success, he is correct.  I've had money and been miserable.  I've had debt and been miserable.  What I've discovered about myself and who I am is completely different from the reality of my first 50 years of life.

My first 50 years, money defined success.  My first 50 years, occupation defined success.  My first 50 years, my weight defined success.  My first 50 years, being married defined success.  Based on this criteria, I was NOT a success.  I didn't have money, I was only a teacher, I was overweight and had a terrible marriage.  Then, one day, the facade cracked.  I cracked.  And I had to rebuild myself from the ground up.  I did this with Christ as the cornerstone.

First of all, marriage does not define success unless you have a good marriage and are happy.  Bad marriage --gone.  I learned how to become happy alone.  Okay, not completely alone.  I had my two children for a little while and a cat.  But the kids moved out pretty quickly.  I became grateful for everything.  I experienced life to the fullest, realizing that life is finite.  I am not ONLY a teacher -- I am living out the purpose God entrusted to me...to help those in my path recognize who they are, that they can become whatever they want, and to stop the train-wreck of negative thinking before it consumes them the way it did me.  I forgave those who wronged me in my life. I got on medication for depression, knowing that I could not fulfill my purpose working with my brain consumed by negativity and sadness.  I worked several jobs while going to graduate school.  You know, for little things like money.  I found strength that I didn't know existed.  It was if I was super-human.  But I'm not...I worked to fulfill needs that were lacking -- little luxury items like getting my hair colored or clothes.  I took graduate coursework while doing all this in order to get a pay raise.  And I did.  I am now working on my second master's degree with the hopes of becoming an administrator so I can one day pay off my debts and retire for good.

Eventually, I was able to find the "real" me.  I am strong.  I am courageous.  I am a mentor.  I am a believer in God and His sovereignty.  I am focused.  I am happy. I am a mom.  I am a grandmother. 

I am neither thin nor rich.  We have been fed that line for far too long.  That is not the hallmark of success.  God help us if it is because very few people would reach it.

And so, I am many things.  I still have a way to go before I feel like I have become a complete person but if I died today,  I would be quite content with the life I've built.  If you haven't taken a personal inventory lately, do so.  If you feel less than others, thanks to social media or the uncaring remarks of others -- don't.   Living a life that touches others and most of all, completes you, is what we should all strive for; and if you are less than that, start working.  Let go of the negativity in your head and naysayers around you.  Set goals.  Work hard.  Believe in yourself, even if no one else does.  It has taken me five years to get to where I am.  I plan to use the remainder of my life to become the best I can be...but be sure of this.  I.am.a.success.  And the next time someone pays me an incredible compliment?  I'm going to smile and say, "thank you!" -- and mean it!