So How's Married Life?

I must confess, starting out a marriage with a husband who is ill is not ideal.  Although he is older than me, I walked right through that open door.  I figured we'd have AT LEAST ten years or more before we started suffering ill health.  Not so -- one of the reasons I say, "Live each day to the fullest!"  You are not guaranteed a year, a month, a day.

So as we were comparing notes yesterday, we were both saying, "I'm tired."  Unusual since we are getting a great rest without work and lots of playtime.  Yet, we are both exhausted.  And then it hit us...emotional stress.  It is the toll of the uncertainty of his illness.

So, we did what most people with stress would do...we exercised.  Worked the shit out of ourselves.  You see, exercise releases those endorphins that make you smile again.  In fact, we had a great day.  After exercise, I floated in the pool and read for an hour or so.  It's almost like being in the womb again for me...incredibly calming.

Today was a typical day -- lots of errands to run.  Except when your husband can't drive (and hates the way you drive) it can become a much dreaded chore.  In fact, some of our worst fights have been after car trips.  And so, today we drove across Vegas -- Henderson to Summerlin, and then some.   On a good day, it would take us 20 minutes.  Today was construction traffic on all the major freeways.  On the way home, I had a doctor appointment, which I was running late for -- thanks to the traffic.  So we went there next.  Spent a little over an hour to inquire about surgery on my left foot.  The podiatrist prefers a more cautious approach and decided orthotics and cortisone rather than surgery for something that may or may not help my foot.  On the other hand, my husband wants me to have the surgery -- a quick fix.  I asked my sister (a physician) for her advice and she agreed with the podiatrist.  My husband wants me pain-free and playing tennis -- also my goal.  But neither of us was in a good mood --especially after the car trip.

At the end of the day, we went to exercise.  Again!  And yes, I was too exhausted when we returned to worry about any trivialities that we were "discussing"...I hurt too much from lifting weights.  I have to say -- it felt good.  I personally think we need a boxing bag to kick in the garage -- but that blog's for another day.  In any case, we both felt satiated by our exercise.  The good news is his blood sugars are great when he exercises and he can pretty much eat what he wants.  As for me, I am beginning to wonder about this extra fifty pounds I'm carrying.  I honestly don't eat much to begin with and it doesn't MOVE! Again, for another day -- another blog.

So, how IS married life?  Aside from the ups and downs of worrying about my husband, it is good.  I think he might agree.  He hates not driving but this is something we both need to get used to.  I am looking at Plan B's in case he is unable to return to work in the fall.   How can we save 30K a year if that eventuality happens?   I hope it doesn't, as he has an amazing brain for science and loves his job.  But if it does, then we need to be prepared for it.  Again, I figured in sickness and health gave us time to catch our breath and maybe be closer to retirement and Medicare age.  Not always the case.

And so, we take each day as it comes.  I don't worry too much about tomorrow because you never know what tomorrow will hold.  I pray for renewed health for my husband and for patience when he loses his.   I pray that we will grow together in our Christian faith and continue to grow closer as a couple.  And most importantly, I pray for God's hand to hold us through all of this.  How's married life?  Certainly not what I expected -- it's better than I thought...full of love, laughter and surprises!

Faith > Fear

This week has been a rush of emotions; the culmination of the last month or so.  It finally came -- we had the  appointment with a neurologist.  Let me tell you, when something is wrong with a loved one's brain, THAT appointment cannot be soon enough.  And so, it arrived...yesterday.

As I described my husband's symptoms before his hospitalizations, I watched him.  We'd had an enormous fight a few days before.  During our argument, he was adamant that nothing was wrong with him.  Rather, I was trying to prevent him from driving, conspiring with the doctors, trying to get even with him for the ills of my ex-husband, etc., etc.  It was ugly.  It was two days of circular logic.  No reasoning or explaining could make things better.  My husband refused to take his medicine and refused to go to the hospital.  I gave up and left the house.  Married less than a month on what was one of the happiest days of my life.

I found myself wondering, what had I gotten myself into?  He was argumentative and unwilling to do what was necessary to get better.  We were both frustrated.  I spent nearly two days listening to accusations.  I finally called his son who left him a message -- I presume regarding taking his meds, since he finally did so.  My husband was angry.  I had, in a sense, betrayed him.

And so, this was what I went into the doctor's office with.  No calling this episode seizures -- simply, an episode.  I described what happened to the physician's assistant.  "So he became more paranoid?" was her question.  "Yes", I answered.  Mind you, this had never, EVER happened in the three years we have been together.  This was all new behavior.

The doctor came in with an air of confidence.  It felt good turning over our worries to him.  He said, "We are not looking at what we are reading but rather, we are going to be reading between the lines."  And so, this is what we learned.  My husband had a stroke in the past -- probably a silent stroke as he was never, ever hospitalized for one.  It is in the area of the brain that handles impulse control.  For whatever reason, something happened to my husband on May 12.  We are still not sure what it is but for now, he is taking a larger dose of anti-seizure meds.  The doctor asked if we owned a gun.  "No."  He told me if we get into a heated argument again to leave the house and call 911 since his reasoning and memory will be impaired and he will need help.  Point well taken.

We also learned that he could have had a transient ischemic attack (TIA), encephalitis or seizures.  He is checking for all of these things through a variety of tests.  Those will take place in July.  We should know by the beginning of August what he experienced and continues to experience.  In the meantime, he is not allowed to drive for three months.  A hard pill to swallow for a "take charge" kind of guy.

And so, we left the doctor's office with more knowledge but not everything.  We also had the "hard" talk.  He asked me if I would have married him knowing what I know now.  I was honest.  "No."  However, this could have happened a day after we got married, so really, does it matter?  He asked if I was scared of him?  I'm not gonna lie -- I was the other day, which is why I left.  We talked about putting deadbolts on the spare bedroom.  I don't think that's an option.  If I'm that scared, why am I here?  No, the current locks will suffice -- at least, in my mind.  I also told him, he better prepare himself for the fact that not only might he never drive again but he may have to stop working.  We talked about that eventuality.  Again, not easy.  We both spent the day in conversation and emotionally eating.  And then, today came.

I spoke with a friend of mine and the truth is, although I entertained the idea of leaving, I could not leave this man.  I.love.him.  To leave would really, in my head, be the unthinkable.  How would I feel if the tables were reversed?  And so, I have done what I have preached to so very many for so many years.  That is, to turn it all over to God.  The truth is, this is just too big for me.  Thinking about the different possibilities is overwhelming.  This is simply going to have to be a day-by-day situation where we handle whatever comes our way.

Neither of us saw this coming.  I had figured a good 10-20 years before our health would decline.  We may still have that but right now, this is a bump in the road.  And so, I am turning over my fears to God.  I am positive He is in the midst of this situation.  I no longer feel worried; rather, I feel at peace.  I don't believe God makes bad things happen but I do believe He is in the middle of our lives if we invite Him in.  We have.  He is holding us up throughout this entire ordeal.  Our situation is not great but it could be so much worse.  I thank God that I have this man by my side and that I am able to be next to his.   It's about having faith more than fear.  Give it to God and get some rest.

The Return

May 12th changed my life.  It is the day my fiance got ill and had to be hospitalized for seizures.  Released the next day, he was taken back to the hospital on May 14th.  Kept another two days and released the 16th.  After his last hospitalization and a trip to the doctor, it became apparent that a medical leave was in both of our futures.  And so, four weeks before the end of the school year, we both applied for FMLA.

It was granted; a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because there are very few resources for people in our situation unless you want to place your loved one in a nursing home or adult daycare (no and no).  And although I could have probably put him in the daycare, it was totally not for him.  He is waaaay too vital for such a drastic step.  It was pricey, too.  Either way, home or daycare, I would lose a week's pay.  And although I was taking care of my (now) husband, I felt bad.

 I felt like I had let my students down.  I was gone without a word.  I also felt like I had let down my co-teacher.  I knew he was grading 160+ papers for each assignent and posting grades for our students to see, pre-finals.  And my department?  I still had a gazillion things to do to wind up the year.  I was asked to do one thing -- progress reports from home for my IEP students -- not difficult; unfortunately, my password had died and I was unable to change it from home.  I racked my brain and decided to e-mail all the teachers at my school to see if they knew anyone who could stay with my husband and could drive.  Fortunately, one came through.  And so, although I am paying for someone to stay with him, I am still bringing home money, which is very much needed at this point.

And so, on Thursday, I returned to work.  My students were stunned..."Where were you?" was the reigning question.  I gave them the short version, "I ran away." to the longer version, "My husband was very sick and I needed to take care of him."  So many students told me how much they missed me (and I missed them, too).  On Friday, since it is different blocks, the same questions.  Kids I never would have thought  missed me expressed that they did!  And during 6th period, the period that had been the bane of my existence?  Applause for my return.  What do you say to that? There are no.words.

It felt incredibly good to return.  Next week are final exams and there will be much grading, posting to the grade book, filing and other things to be completed by Thursday's end.  Friday is checkout and I need to have signatures on my checkout card and turn in keys.  Fortunately, I am staying in my room next year, so no packing is needed.

This year has flown.  It has been a pleasure to work with my students -- most of the time!  I can't wait until they are seniors, so I can attend their graduation.   I am so proud of the strides they have made this year.  They are writing like it's no one's business, learned a LOT about grammar, improved their reading and English language skills, and are one year closer to holding that diploma in their hand.  As for my IEP kiddos, they will move on to a new teacher of record and I will meet a new group of twenty-plus kids...most who will be in English 11 with me.

As I think about summer (it is a month shorter this year), I am completely overwhelmed by reminding myself of what lies ahead in the next school year.  I am thrilled to be back and happy that my husband is doing well these last few days of school.  I am thankful for the opportunity to serve these young adults and help them get one step closer to their diploma.  Most of all, I am thankful for having a job I love.   Have a great summer!