As I described my husband's symptoms before his hospitalizations, I watched him. We'd had an enormous fight a few days before. During our argument, he was adamant that nothing was wrong with him. Rather, I was trying to prevent him from driving, conspiring with the doctors, trying to get even with him for the ills of my ex-husband, etc., etc. It was ugly. It was two days of circular logic. No reasoning or explaining could make things better. My husband refused to take his medicine and refused to go to the hospital. I gave up and left the house. Married less than a month on what was one of the happiest days of my life.
I found myself wondering, what had I gotten myself into? He was argumentative and unwilling to do what was necessary to get better. We were both frustrated. I spent nearly two days listening to accusations. I finally called his son who left him a message -- I presume regarding taking his meds, since he finally did so. My husband was angry. I had, in a sense, betrayed him.
And so, this was what I went into the doctor's office with. No calling this episode seizures -- simply, an episode. I described what happened to the physician's assistant. "So he became more paranoid?" was her question. "Yes", I answered. Mind you, this had never, EVER happened in the three years we have been together. This was all new behavior.
The doctor came in with an air of confidence. It felt good turning over our worries to him. He said, "We are not looking at what we are reading but rather, we are going to be reading between the lines." And so, this is what we learned. My husband had a stroke in the past -- probably a silent stroke as he was never, ever hospitalized for one. It is in the area of the brain that handles impulse control. For whatever reason, something happened to my husband on May 12. We are still not sure what it is but for now, he is taking a larger dose of anti-seizure meds. The doctor asked if we owned a gun. "No." He told me if we get into a heated argument again to leave the house and call 911 since his reasoning and memory will be impaired and he will need help. Point well taken.
We also learned that he could have had a transient ischemic attack (TIA), encephalitis or seizures. He is checking for all of these things through a variety of tests. Those will take place in July. We should know by the beginning of August what he experienced and continues to experience. In the meantime, he is not allowed to drive for three months. A hard pill to swallow for a "take charge" kind of guy.
And so, we left the doctor's office with more knowledge but not everything. We also had the "hard" talk. He asked me if I would have married him knowing what I know now. I was honest. "No." However, this could have happened a day after we got married, so really, does it matter? He asked if I was scared of him? I'm not gonna lie -- I was the other day, which is why I left. We talked about putting deadbolts on the spare bedroom. I don't think that's an option. If I'm that scared, why am I here? No, the current locks will suffice -- at least, in my mind. I also told him, he better prepare himself for the fact that not only might he never drive again but he may have to stop working. We talked about that eventuality. Again, not easy. We both spent the day in conversation and emotionally eating. And then, today came.
I spoke with a friend of mine and the truth is, although I entertained the idea of leaving, I could not leave this man. I.love.him. To leave would really, in my head, be the unthinkable. How would I feel if the tables were reversed? And so, I have done what I have preached to so very many for so many years. That is, to turn it all over to God. The truth is, this is just too big for me. Thinking about the different possibilities is overwhelming. This is simply going to have to be a day-by-day situation where we handle whatever comes our way.
Neither of us saw this coming. I had figured a good 10-20 years before our health would decline. We may still have that but right now, this is a bump in the road. And so, I am turning over my fears to God. I am positive He is in the midst of this situation. I no longer feel worried; rather, I feel at peace. I don't believe God makes bad things happen but I do believe He is in the middle of our lives if we invite Him in. We have. He is holding us up throughout this entire ordeal. Our situation is not great but it could be so much worse. I thank God that I have this man by my side and that I am able to be next to his. It's about having faith more than fear. Give it to God and get some rest.
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