Can You Repeat the Past?

In 11th grade English, we just finished reading the great American novel, "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The story is about Gatsby, who tries to rekindle his love with Daisy -- who he knew five years prior.  He had to go to war and she ultimately married; but, he never forgot about her and his life revolved around winning her back. At the end of the unit, we asked our students to write a synthesis paper on whether or not you could repeat the past.  I decided that it might be interesting to write on the topic myself.

Case in point.  Three years ago, I met a man online with whom I was totally smitten.  He was my first "real" love after my divorce.  We eventually met up but for whatever reason, he decided he ultimately didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship.  However, we remained friends over the years.  I can't tell you, how I pined for him...carried this inextinguishable torch which only burned brighter when I spoke with him on the phone.  (He has the ultimate radio voice!)  Not terribly long ago, he sent me a picture of himself.  I looked at it and the only thing I could say is "What was I thinking?"  Although I'm certain that he probably hasn't changed dramatically in the looks department, I am, in fact, the one who has changed.  I am no longer the person I was three years ago (thank God!).  Chalk it up to infinite visits to my therapist, who thankfully, helped me to rebuild my life.

I also think about when I got divorced.  Before we divorced, I told my soon-to-be ex that we had to basically start with a blank slate if we were to ever be in a relationship together.  Our foundation of trust and financials had crumbled, and I was willing to rebuild with God at the forefront.  I honestly thought that perhaps we could "fix" what went wrong.  However, as we went through the divorce, more and more of his "true" self came out... and I was healing from years of emotional abuse.  It was a hard break, as I had always imagined we could somehow remain friends, at the very least.  But, it didn't happen.  He has moved on with his life and I have moved on with mine -- and ne'er the 'twain shall meet.

This is not to say there are moments in my past that weren't wonderful.  Take for instance, raising my children.  I think they are the very beings that kept my sanity intact throughout all my years in a very unhappy marriage.  They were the glue and they kept me happy.  I enjoyed motherhood more than anything and although I don't live close to my daughters, enjoy being a grandma even more (if that's even possible!).  Despite the joy of motherhood, I would not want to go back to the days of diapers, toddlerhood, and (yikes) teenagers!

Truth be told, I don't think you can relive your past.  You can enjoy the memories, learn lessons but ultimately, over time changes occur.  Whether they are within you or outside of you, they are what propel us forward.   I love where my life is today.  I am grateful for all I've been through as it has helped shaped me into the person I am today.   But repeating the past?  Not a chance!  Like that ever-elusive green light in the novel, it's effervescence dims as the light within me grows brighter.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I did it!  I said, "Yes to the Dress!"  Inspired by the novel "The Great Gatsby" which we just finished reading at school, I have gone for a 1920's look.  It is not white but charcoal gray with sparkle.  No mother-of-the-bride look either.  It is the perfect gown for my size and shape.

Unlike the brides on "Say Yes to the Dress", I neither took an entourage nor put a hefty price tag on my budget.  I didn't cry either.  No, this bride bought off the rack for $149.00 -- less than half of what my parents paid for my dress some 30+ years ago. 

You see, this is not my first rodeo -- and it is more like the fourth rodeo for my fiance.  This is, in fact, wedding on a budget....MAJOR budget.  We didn't want justice of the peace but we didn't want an over-the-top wedding either.

Planned for approximately 30 guests, we will have a bona-fide reception for the folks attending.  We "shopped" venues and I did my research.  I streamlined my search.   Anything over $5,000 was immediately scratched.  I also did not want anything that we had to plan ourselves, due to time constraints.  We, in fact, went with a place where it is a one-stop shopping type of deal -- officiant, flowers, food, photography (unlimited), open bar and DJ for a very reasonable price.  It is beautiful (aside from the strip mall it is in) and has an amazing garden out back which will make for great pictures.  The cake is already ordered and I am debating on the flowers.

I am excited to be planning this...it is so different from the first time around.  That was pretty much planned by my parents -- and had approximately 250 people in attendance; their friends, family and acquaintances to whom they owed a social invitation.  This wedding is planned by the two of us for the people who mean the most to us...family and close friends.  No gifts wanted or needed, thank you very much.  Our gift is the gathering of the ones we love most of all.

And so, spring break will be spent sending out invitations, buying shoes, and measuring for alterations.  For the big day, I plan to have my hair re-styled (it is growing out now and a total mess), get my make-up professionally done and yes, even add some eyelash extensions.  I also hope to have my planned 20 - 30 pounds off by June.  I want to look amazing for the man who has stood by my side and less than perfect self for the last two years.

We have both waited patiently for this moment.  It is getting close.  My heart pounds anxiously at the very thought of walking down that aisle.  However, I know that this is who I want to spend my life with...it has been a long time in coming.  As he likes to say, "our life is a series of small adventures." Whether dinner out or getting married...I love this man and can't wait to say, "I do."  For better or worse, we about to embark on the biggest adventure of our lives.

Room 203

I hear it all the time...Special educator?  You must be a saint!  Not a saint...just someone who loves kids,  understands that some learn differently than others and am committed to help them succeed.

I began the year at my new high school with trepidation.  My last year in high school was not a great one.  However, this high school was different; different administration who believes that ALL children can reach the bar we set, a mix of different cultures, and a whole different vibe.  I was excited to begin the year.

From day one, being in this school has truly been a lesson for me.  Truth is, many of our students come from single parent homes, live in poverty (if their standard of living is THAT high), and have little in the way of role models from what I can see.  We are a Title 1 school; every child gets a free breakfast.  There are lovable and not so lovable students.  Some kids are juniors and have as few as four credits to their name out of the twenty-two and a half they need to graduate.  I sometimes wonder why they are in school?  Briefly.  And then I get to the task of doing what I do best...teaching.

Does this mean that we will let a student fail?  Not if we can help it.  Do we send them to administration for every single infraction?  Absolutely not!  Truth is, in my humble opinion, a child having a suspension merely results in a child being out of the classroom and frankly, I think we owe more to our students than that...and so, at times we have to take a deep breath and find that patience for the -nth time that day.  However, if it's a choice between that and non-learning, I choose patience every.single.time.

I'm in a co-taught classroom, which means that about 1/3 of our 35 or more students have an Individual Education Plan (IEP).  I am responsible for knowing what accommodations and modifications are for each and every student, which "level the playing field" for these kids.  I also need to know the "in's" and 'outs" of their behavior plan...if they have one.  Now, even though I am technically there for the students with IEP's, it does not mean that I can't help any other student that needs help.  For instance, I use Google translate for turning questions from English to Spanish.  I also help with grading and have a personal caseload of 22 students, down from 27 at the beginning of the year.

I have been a special educator for 8 years now and I have to say, this is one of the best gigs I have had to date.  The students are tough...no doubt about it.  But, I have always loved a challenge.  I have managed to get 98% or so of the students on board with learning.

A few weeks ago, I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with a student of mine.  I said, "Look -- you have X number of credits to your name.  You do have until the age of 21 to graduate but do you really want to be 21 when you do?"  Since that day, he shaped up.  He turned his act around. After failing first semester, he has a "C" in our class for this quarter.  What's the secret?  There isn't one other than the fact that I cared enough to ask the tough question...what do you want to do with your life?

I must confess, I am thankful every day of my life that my children are grown.  Today's society is not conducive to raising children.  The Internet seems to be doing that job, and it's not doing a very good one.  On the other hand, these are just kids.  They need stability and consistency -- something many of them lack in their day-to-day.  And so, I hope that my teaching style provides that; most students seem to like it.

And so, while I am in bed by 6:30 on most school nights and asleep by 8:30, I still love my job.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  These kids keep me young!  It is the end of third quarter and 81% of our kids have passed.  Pretty good odds for Vegas!  And so, I go to bed happy.  Proud of the work our students have accomplished.  I am exhausted and relieved at the same time!  I will sleep well knowing that the teachers in room 203 have done their job.

Lessons Learned from "The Shack"

Yesterday, I took my fiance to see "The Shack".  I had not finished the book because of a move and it was tossed in a box, never to be found.  When I told my fiance that this was a "must see" movie for me, he balked.   His movie pick was "The Great Wall" with Matt Damon.  But, for the sanctity of the greater good (us), he deferred to my pick.  After he picked up the tickets in the morning for an afternoon show, he laughingly said how we got back row seats (primo).  "We'll see.", I said.

When we got there, the theater was about half full.  "Look... We aren't the only ones here.", I told him.  As the theater darkened, I must confess, I was filled with anticipation as I had never finished the book and didn't really know the story-line.

Initially, the movie was kind of so-so.  I was not immediately drawn in...and then, it happened.  I was hooked!  I spent most of the movie crying.  It reminded me so much of my past.  It was convicting.  There were questions asked in the movie that I had asked so many times in my own life.  Never leaving my own faith behind, but always wondering, "God, why is this happening to me?"

And then, towards the end, it asks...forgiveness.  I have done this so many times in my own life.  Not even wanting to do it sometimes but doing it anyhow.  It is, as I imagined it.  Hard to do but just keep doing it.  Eventually, it will come.  And likewise, so did my crying.

I think it is safe to say, I cried through most of the movie.  I kept having flashes back to my own life...my marriage and divorce.  The wounds. The pain. The scars.  Sound familiar?  You see, we all have our crosses to bear.  We are to pick them up and follow Christ.

This is a good reminder of what God expects from us.  Forgiveness.  Love others.  Trust Him.  Have faith. Be open to the Holy Spirit and listen to "that"voice. God sees our tears.  He hears our prayers.  He answers them...just not in way that we expect.

 And so, this is not just another "run-of-the-mill" faith-based movie.  It is a movie that touches the very heart and spirit.  I found it captivating.  It will make you cry...rivers... so bring lots of Kleenex.  As for my fiance?  If tears measured the worth of a movie, he would have rated it 5 out of 5 stars.