In 11th grade English, we just finished reading the great American novel, "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The story is about Gatsby, who tries to rekindle his love with Daisy -- who he knew five years prior. He had to go to war and she ultimately married; but, he never forgot about her and his life revolved around winning her back. At the end of the unit, we asked our students to write a synthesis paper on whether or not you could repeat the past. I decided that it might be interesting to write on the topic myself.
Case in point. Three years ago, I met a man online with whom I was totally smitten. He was my first "real" love after my divorce. We eventually met up but for whatever reason, he decided he ultimately didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship. However, we remained friends over the years. I can't tell you, how I pined for him...carried this inextinguishable torch which only burned brighter when I spoke with him on the phone. (He has the ultimate radio voice!) Not terribly long ago, he sent me a picture of himself. I looked at it and the only thing I could say is "What was I thinking?" Although I'm certain that he probably hasn't changed dramatically in the looks department, I am, in fact, the one who has changed. I am no longer the person I was three years ago (thank God!). Chalk it up to infinite visits to my therapist, who thankfully, helped me to rebuild my life.
I also think about when I got divorced. Before we divorced, I told my soon-to-be ex that we had to basically start with a blank slate if we were to ever be in a relationship together. Our foundation of trust and financials had crumbled, and I was willing to rebuild with God at the forefront. I honestly thought that perhaps we could "fix" what went wrong. However, as we went through the divorce, more and more of his "true" self came out... and I was healing from years of emotional abuse. It was a hard break, as I had always imagined we could somehow remain friends, at the very least. But, it didn't happen. He has moved on with his life and I have moved on with mine -- and ne'er the 'twain shall meet.
This is not to say there are moments in my past that weren't wonderful. Take for instance, raising my children. I think they are the very beings that kept my sanity intact throughout all my years in a very unhappy marriage. They were the glue and they kept me happy. I enjoyed motherhood more than anything and although I don't live close to my daughters, enjoy being a grandma even more (if that's even possible!). Despite the joy of motherhood, I would not want to go back to the days of diapers, toddlerhood, and (yikes) teenagers!
Truth be told, I don't think you can relive your past. You can enjoy the memories, learn lessons but ultimately, over time changes occur. Whether they are within you or outside of you, they are what propel us forward. I love where my life is today. I am grateful for all I've been through as it has helped shaped me into the person I am today. But repeating the past? Not a chance! Like that ever-elusive green light in the novel, it's effervescence dims as the light within me grows brighter.
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