My mom used to say that after people get married, they change. Well, she was correct about this one! Boy, did my spouse ever change (and not for the better!) Without getting into the details, suffice it to say that there is nothing fixable about this. He has become a person I no longer recognize nor care to have a relationship with. Kudos to me that this time around, I recognized I needed to get out. That I am in therapy and taking medication to keep my emotions at bay. But it is sad. And it hurts.
Two years ago, we bought our dream house. Nothing fancy -- 2 bedroom in a 50+ neighborhood with lots of activities and a restaurant, where we had our weekly date night. Date night. Now, you'd think with something like that in play, one could never go wrong. Think again. We also held hands every night as we slept. Again, how could we go astray? Well, sometimes you are powerless to stop another from making poor life decisions. And frankly, my husband believes he is living his best life, so who am I to stop him? It is a very shallow existence and one that I believe, will come back to bite him in the ass.
And so, I moved out last week. To a nice apartment with plenty of space for my kitty to roam while I go to work. An apartment with rent that's higher than my house payment. But I digress (altho' that too is a thorn in my side). The good news is, I have a great job and get to continue collecting my retirement and social security. This is a completely different financial circumstance than the one I found myself in, in 2013. I have worked my ass off the last 9 years, and it shows. I have gotten a second master's degree (this time in Educational Administration) and with no husband to go home to, I am going for it... administration, that is. Late nights? Bring 'em on!
Which brings me to getting busy....my last divorce, I spent so much time being "busy" with school, church and second and third jobs, that I don't think I had time for anything except work and sleep. I never really processed my emotions. This time, I have the luxury of time to myself. I haven't had that for many, many years. Imagine, being able to buy smooth peanut butter instead of chunky (which I never liked). Or sitting and watching HGTV all day with my cat. Sounds blissful, right?
The hardest part is being alone and being ok with it. I suffer from social anxiety and so it is hard for me to make myself get out of the house. I can do it for work, but it is hard for anything else. So, this is something I will be working on.
I do know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This is not a saying but a promise. Yes, we can always stand on the promises of God. As I have always said, He is there. Carrying us in times of difficulty. I think because my faith is strong, I have shed few tears this go-around. I am also older...wiser...more pragmatic.
So for those of you who are struggling, remember this. God loves you.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)
Also, Christian music cheers me up, so here you go...
