Following Your Dreams

How many of you are in jobs you hate...like dread waking up in the morning?  But for the fact you are getting paid, you would be out of there in a heartbeat?  Yeah, me too!  Not that I hate my job.  In fact, I'm probably one of the few who actually like what I do.  But I dream of being able to sit on my (imaginary) deck in from of my (imaginary) lakefront house, writing.  Oh and yes, the e-mails are burning up with offers to speak.

So, here's the deal.  I see this.  More and more each day.  It is almost like a vision.  I can see myself writing and speaking -- in my mind's eye.  So, how do I get myself there?  And am I just imagining all this or is it really possible?  How does one know?

First of all, my desire for speaking was imparted to me when I was in high school.  I don't particularly like a small group -- I will go the distance -- big groups.  It doesn't scare me.  No...really!  I majored in Communications in college and all we did was give speeches.  I have what it takes -- as long as I have a topic and inspiration.

So, I've spent some time thinking about this.  Praying.  Let's face it...those who've read my blog know that I have zero capital in which to invest into anything that costs much.  I've considered administration but after several years of schooling, I would really be too old to use it.

And so, my choices are now narrowed down to reiki healing or life coaching.  Reiki healing is done by harnessing energy.  I love the idea of helping others and having my essential oils diffusing in the background.  Very soothing, even for myself.

When I suggested I wanted to be a life coach to my husband and daughter they both laughed....heartily! Seriously?  Are you freaking kidding me?  After all I have been through and come out on the other side?...Okay, well almost.  Yes, there are still some areas of life I struggle with -- financial -- which, let's face it....being left with 200K in debt is going to take some time to overcome and fitness ...the bane of my existence.  But for the fact I'm not 6' tall, I would indeed be the proper proportions.  But I digress.

So, I do have a plan which I am no longer sharing.  There are too many dream stealers out there.  We all have enough negative thoughts that stop us from being the best we can...and so, I am going this course alone.  I will probably share with my life coaches but that's about it.  For now, I know it takes courage to step out into this journey.  It's a new one.  A course correction.  Dream...then, throw out that dream and dream bigger.  It's what keeps our souls alive.

#TGIF

Whoo hoo!   We made it!  All of us teachers have managed to get one week down.  We have what?  Only thirty-four more?  Not that I'm counting or anything.

This is my eighth year of teaching (nine, if you count the year I did overseas...uncertified).  Each day something new happens.  This year, I noticed something about myself.  I'm not as nice.  That's right kids...I am not the sweet, lovable lady you knew...I am now enforcing rules -- BIG TIME!

What brought on this sudden change?  Why am I suddenly willing to take away cell phones from kids who are texting or make them put away their ear buds in.their.pockets....not dangling from their ears or shirts?  What transpired this summer?  I'll tell you what...nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

The truth is, the longer you teach, the more you realize classroom management is a necessity.  It is survival of the fittest -- and I guarantee you -- the battle lines are drawn.  We are not going to haggle or make deals.  I am not going to smile and pretend I didn't hear the cursing under the breath or that I didn't see the rolling eyes.  This year, my health -- my sanity -- comes first.  And if I have to be "one of 'THOSE' teachers" in order to meet this goal, so be it.

Now, I don't want to say I'm totally unreasonable.  For instance, when I called out a kid for talking about my "big boobs", I did give him the benefit of the doubt.  He pretty much could've sold it to me if he hadn't said he was saying, "big boots".  Yeah, sure.  I have survived teenagers and their thinking is just ridiculous at times.  Especially after he had already apologized for disrespecting me.  In any case, he now knows that if I walk past and hear anything I deem derogatory or on the order of sexual harassment, he will no longer have the benefit of the doubt.  It's a done deal for him.  Or the two who came in horsing around this morning.  Progressive discipline has started.  1.  warning  2.  talked to in the hallway  3.  phone call home  4.  detention  5.  referral to dean  Unless, of course, it is something major, like the kid who told me he was going to the restroom -- left with his backpack and never came back.  Guess what?  No one leaves with a backpack anymore!

The other thing that made me realize that classroom management needs to change?  I have two students who have come back to me.  Now, 90%+ of my special education students did pass English last year and kudos to them!  I am exceptionally proud of them.  BUT, for the two that came back, I realize that in some way we failed them.  Not just literally but figuratively as well.  And so, one of my kiddos, I told him the first day of school, I do not want to see him next year.  Period.  He has already gone a round or two with the co-teacher but I told him today, "I will help you in any way possible in order for you to pass."  You see, he is completely capable, smart and I might add, has leadership qualities.  (If only he'd use his powers for good instead of evil!)  Last year, I challenged him to turn his life around and become a teacher.  Now, I don't know if he is taking me up on this challenge, but I do know he wrote in his journal the past two class periods and did his work today.  That is more work than he did all of last year.  Perhaps he's just maturing.  Maybe he took my words to heart.  I don't know.  But it definitely made.my.day.

And so, cheers to all of my fellow teachers.  I know I am off to a great start.  I got a lot of work done this week, even though all I could think about is next summer and heading back to Coronado Island (my happy place!)  Who knows?  I may even make it to Hawaii!  For now, reality has set in.  Waking up at 5 AM and being cheerful by 7:40 AM.  Trust me -- that takes work on my part! For now, I am just hoping my students will pass and more importantly graduate.  Yes, it's Friday.  Time to close down the brain for two days and relax.  Then do it all again next week.  What can I tell you?  It's the life of a teacher.

Say What????

This blog is not about me.  It is about my daughter.  I have asked permission to share thoughts, feelings, etc regarding her transition from male to female.  You see, she is transgender.  I have written on another blog about my learning she is transgender.  Today, I want to write about the day-to-day.

The other day, she posted a pic of herself on Instagram.  She has only had hormone therapy so far -- surgery, at this point, is far too expensive.  And so, she does what she needs to do.  Her first order of business, she has told me, is to have laser work on her face.  Again, a pricey proposition for a college student working two jobs to survive.  I have no money to help and my credit stinks, so she will have to wait until she has her degree and a "real" job.  I wish I had the money -  I'd pay for it.  I really would.

We meet a couple of times a week.  As a college student, she comes here to do her laundry.  I make sure she has a meal, if she wants to join us.  She is a personal trainer, and so we (normally) workout together a couple of times a week.  She has more energy than I can account for...I certainly wasn't in as good of shape as she is at that age.  Her figure is changing due to the hormones.  She has 10 pounds left to lose.  As a male, she was short and somewhat muscular.  As a female, her stature and body type are darned near perfect.  Her hair is also very long...just past her shoulders.

So, how did we get to this point of not just acceptance but still loving one another through this time of transition?  It's called, being supportive.  She was indeed born with male genitalia but the truth of the matter is she never played rough like boys and she was always an extremely sensitive child.  I put her in martial arts at a young age so that she could defend herself against bullies.  Smart play...somehow, a mother senses these things.  She is now in Aikido and working toward her black belt.  She also teaches classes.  AND, when the bullies on our street did try to bother her in middle school -- she did not kick their ass -- rather, she kicked our front door in and THAT scared the crap out of them.  They never bothered her again!

I have to say, I did not accept her new life easily.  Transgender was not "out there" in the 1990's like it is today.  You can say all you want about Caitlyn Jenner, but she put this issue and acceptance on the radar.  Kudos to her!   Calling her by her now legal name and acknowledging that she was female at birth means the world to her.  When I am tired, I slip up.  The other night, after a long day at work, I said "Gentlemen, dinner is ready".  I then added, "and ladies!"  Yes, it is hard for a mother.  But she understands that after being in a male body for 25 years and female for 2, I am going to make these mistakes.  I try not to, but it happens.

How do I align my Christian beliefs with her transitioning?  Just fine, thank you.  You see, God looks at our hearts and not our bodies, IMHO.  And she has a GREAT heart.  She is closer to God than she has ever been.  He has been there for her as she goes through her emotional, physical and  financial struggles.  I always tell her when something unexpected happens, for her to "Thank God!"  You see, it doesn't matter if it's a good thing or a bad thing, "Thank God".  You are strong enough to handle whatever He gives you.

And so, the other day on my Instagram account, after she posted her pic - I stole it and posted how proud I was of her.  You see, it takes courage to be who you are -- to face people who hate you simply because of how you look.  Being true to one's self is desired in this country. Don't we always say, "Live up to your potential!"?  "Love yourself!"  If loving yourself means physically changing your outside self to match your inside self, more power to you!  It is not easy.  It is not fun!  It is necessary for some to not just survive, but thrive.

I have seen this caterpillar metamorphosis into a chrysalis.  She is working toward becoming her complete self...the butterfly she was meant to be.  One day, when she chooses to have surgery, she will.  For now, she is happy with who she is.  I am happy with who she is.  I couldn't be more proud or love my daughter more.  An easy life?  No.  A productive, stable life...yes!  That is what being a mother to a transgender child is like.

What Day is It?

I woke up this morning...sluggish...slow.  I can barely get my mojo on.  It IS the first Saturday after going back to work.  Let me tell you about work so far -- we have spent the last three days in meetings and getting our classrooms ready to meet our students.  It is not difficult work, yet for someone who has not been working for several weeks, it is killer.  You see, we just get into the summer schedule of lounging poolside, having lunches out with our friends, late nights and even later breakfasts and BAM!  Time to return to work.  This sluggish feeling will be gone in say, three weeks?  In the meantime, sleeping 11 hours on the week-end and drinking a pot of coffee in the morning is not unheard of at this time of year.

Yes, going back to work is definitely difficult for a teacher.  Now, all you naysayers out there are complaining and saying, "You ONLY work 6 months out of the year!"  True.  But those are a tough 6 months.  Seriously.  In our line of work, our authority is constantly undermined and challenged.  We work countless hours planning and preparing lesson plans.  We are "on" 7 hours per day.  We cannot take a break for water, coffee or to even pee.  And it can be VERY intense, especially with class sizes of 36+, which is the majority of my classes this year.

As a special educator, our job is even more intense, as we need to make sure that schedules match student IEP's.  We need to check confidential folders.  We test students, write up IEP's (and from the looks of it, we will have a LOT this year -- I'm guessing 27 or more), schedule meetings, send out notices (sometimes in English and Spanish -- thank God for GoogleTranslate), coordinate who is coming to the meetings, make sure the school psychologist and school nurse are in the loop, hold the meetings, close the documents and write implementation documents after the meeting is held and mail everything to the parents.  Then, file and document everything.  Sound like a lot?  It most certainly is!

This year, we have learned that student achievement on the End of Course exams count for 20% of our evaluation.  Next year and forward, it is 40%.  So, for our ELL and special education teachers, it should be interesting.  I am curious as to what my evaluation will look like in two years.  I'm not sure student achievement on testing is the way to evaluate our performance.  Do we want to teach to the test or do we just want our kids to learn?  I am getting to the point where I am wondering if all this is worth it?

Right now, it is worth it.  Why?  Because I want these kids to understand that their self-worth is more than the size of their wallet.  I want them to understand that bad things do happen to good people and you can survive.  I want them to know that there are people who care about them - just because.  I want them to know that they can be more than they were taught to believe...they can overcome their circumstances.  It is not easy but it is doable.  I want them to know that "what the mind believes it can achieve."  Great people are not born -- they learn and grow from their mistakes.  They move past them.  They can do it.  Right now, I am their greatest cheerleader.  I will remain so until the end of my teaching career.  

I'm on my third cup of coffee and I can barely open my eyes.  Is it worth it? Hell yeah!  This year, I will be at the graduation of my students from last year.  It is an honor and I can't wait to see them with their diplomas.  On Monday, school is in session.  Bring it on...I.Am.Ready!