The Scars on My Heart

I was on my knees next to my bed tonight, praying and reflecting – thinking over my day.  It was not a great one.  Certainly not what I would say was my best example of being a Christian but also, I realize that we all fall short at times.  As I thought about people I interacted with, conversations I engaged in, I realized that these are all not just who we are but reflections of our hearts.  No matter how much we may think we know someone, we don’t see their hearts.  And I began to think…I know my heart has scars but what about theirs?

As most know, I work with special needs children.  Every year in my classroom, I have a lesson on bullying.  In this lesson, I hand each child a red construction paper heart.  I tell them I am going to tell them a story, and each time they hear something that is hurtful to tear off a piece of the heart.  So I begin…and I tell my story.  It changes from year to year, as it is one I make up but always, I come to the end of it when their hearts look like little more than scraps of paper on their desk.  Then, I give them tape; a lot of it. And I tell them, I am going to retell the story.  Only this time, I ask them to tape a piece of the heart back together when they hear something kind.   I stop when their hearts are reasonably taped up; battered but in one piece.  I then pose a very pointed question to them…does the heart look the same as when we started?  The answer is always a resounding “no”.  I explain to them every time you say or do something unkind to another, it changes their heart in some way.  We can say we’re sorry but it is never quite the same again. 

So, tonight when I was praying I was thinking about my heart.  I was thinking about other hearts – and the scars that I can’t see.  I have what feels like a million scars on my heart.  I come from a highly dysfunctional home – you know, the kind that looks perfect on the outside.  I am also extremely good at hiding all that I have seen and been through.  I have suffered every kind of abuse at the hands of many.  I come from the home of divorced parents.   My parents fought incessantly.   My mother was an alcoholic who remarried twice after my father.  Although a lovely lady, she could not be alone.  Not her fault – just the way she is wired.  My father was the same way except he had a penchant for girls half his age.   He was a Holocaust survivor.  I believe that was a great part of his makeup from having been through so much in his life.  In retrospect, I believe my father suffered mental illness –probably as a result of his life-- and ultimately committed suicide, which serendipitously occurred on the date of my wedding anniversary.  And then, there’s my recent divorce after 31 years of marriage.   My children don’t like to hear this but I did have much emotional abuse in my marriage.  I didn’t feel worthy of having the kind of love I deserved.  Finally, I had the courage to move on.  I had to for survival. Painful but necessary.  Yes, my heart is no longer red but black and blue.  And it has been taped back together over and over again after being shattered into a million pieces. 

 Yet, to look at me, one would never know it.  I am a responsible adult with four beautiful adult children and four grandchildren.  I have a master’s degree and teach.  I have a passion for my work and the special needs children I work with; doesn’t matter if they’re younger or older, they all tear at my heartstrings.  I never really know once they leave my classroom how they do, but I always pray for them while they are with me and that I am doing the very best work that God has called me to do.    And I have a strong, unshakeable faith in God and His sovereignty.  A faith that is so constant and sure that I cannot even conceive or comprehend where it came from.  Yet, it’s there.  I have good days and bad days but mostly good.  On days when I’m sure my legs will not hold me upright, I can reach out to a fellow Christian and they will build me up.   They will pray for me, hold me and even wipe the tears from my eyes.   You see, that is the power of faith.  Knowing that God is there when you can’t see him.  Knowing that he will send another believer to you who will carry you in those times of despair or wrap their arms around you and tell you it’s going to be okay.

Many people might think, how does she do it?  How come she survived when so many others aren’t able to or are incapable of doing so.  Some days, I wonder.   But I will tell you;  I am convinced it is because of the love and grace of Jesus Christ.  I’ve told my story to people before in some detail and they are absolutely horrified.  Unfortunately,  their reaction provokes shame in me.  Shame for things that I had no control over.  It’s almost like being violated again.  You work incredibly hard to forgive and then by some thoughtless remark or callous reaction, it’s like I’m reliving my past.  Some people straight up can’t deal with hearing these things and I have lost friends over it.  I don’t’ share freely and this is the first time I’ve even shared so openly.  Only a handful of people know about my background.  It is definitely a taboo subject.  Yet tonight, God laid it on my heart to write about it.  So there it is.  No more secrets, though the fear of peoples’ reactions remain in my heart, that is so scarred and so incredibly scared.   Will I lose more friends?  Maybe.  But I also have faith that there is someone out there that needs to hear these words.  Perhaps someone else whose heart has been scarred to where it is no longer recognizable.

Frequently, I’ve heard people say, why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?  Some say that God doesn’t allow it but rather, it’s from Satan.  To those people, I would say you are half right.  For if we look at the story of Job, God does allow bad things to happen to good people.  Because I believe the Bible is God’s Word, I think reading the book of Job gives us some answers to our questions.  For example, God did allow Satan to make Job’s life miserable.  So then, do we have a God who delights in our misery?  Why would he allow such terrible things to happen?  Let’s look at the story of Job.   

In Job 1:6-12 God and Satan have a conversation about Job. 

“One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. ⁷ The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”  If we stop there, you can see that Satan does indeed roam the earth.  He is a force to be reckoned with, which coincides with the thoughts of some that Satan is on the prowl. 

As we continue reading, ⁸ Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”  Okay, we know Job is a good guy – so much so that even God acknowledges it. 

Continuing, ⁹ “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. ¹⁰ “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.   At this point, God has put a hedge of protection around Job to protect him from Satan and He has blessed him richly. 

Reading on, ^11 "But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”  Hmmmm, I don’t know.  That Job’s a pretty righteous dude.  Curse God?  Satan seems to think so.  But let’s not forget, God already knows the outcome to this.  After all, He is omnipotent.  Here’s God’s response…

^“12 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.  Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.” (NIV)  So, we have a solid man, believer in God and Satan who wants to do evil to him.  And guess what…God ALLOWS it!  Yes, God does allow bad things to happen to good people.  But why?  I have my own theory but let’s delve back into Job.  Throughout Job’s hardships, and there were many, he maintained his faith in the Lord. 

Job himself says, “13To God belong wisdom and power;
    counsel and understanding are his.
¹⁴ What he tears down cannot be rebuilt;
    those he imprisons cannot be released.
¹⁵ If he holds back the waters, there is drought;
    if he lets them loose, they devastate the land.
¹⁶ To him belong strength and insight;
    both deceived and deceiver are his.
¹⁷ He leads rulers away stripped
    and makes fools of judges.
¹⁸ He takes off the shackles put on by kings
    and ties a loincloth^[b] around their waist.
¹⁹ He leads priests away stripped
    and overthrows officials long established.
²⁰ He silences the lips of trusted advisers
    and takes away the discernment of elders.
²¹ He pours contempt on nobles
    and disarms the mighty.
²² He reveals the deep things of darkness
    and brings utter darkness into the light.
²³ He makes nations great, and destroys them;
    he enlarges nations, and disperses them.
²⁴ He deprives the leaders of the earth of their reason;
    he makes them wander in a trackless waste.
²⁵ They grope in darkness with no light;
    he makes them stagger like drunkards.” Job 25: 13 – 24 (NIV)

Make no mistake – Job understands that God is in control.  Over and over again, he prays to God.  He remains true in his faith.  In fact, his friends try to put doubts in his mind about God’s faithfulness.  Yet, Job maintains his praises for God.  He may not understand why he is being put through such extreme hardships, yet he accepts it as God’s will for him.  Period.  End of story.  But, is it?  I want to go back to the story to Job and see how it ends.  In Job 42: 7-17, we have the epilogue.

 ^“7 After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. ⁸ So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” ⁹ So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them; and the Lord accepted Job’s prayer.

¹⁰ After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. ¹¹ All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the Lord had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver^[a] and a gold ring.

¹² The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. ¹³ And he also had seven sons and three daughters. ¹⁴ The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. ¹⁵ Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

¹⁶ After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. ¹⁷ And so Job died, an old man and full of years.”  God acknowledges that Job remained a faithful servant whereas, his friends did not.  God also not only restored Job’s wealth but he gave him even more than he had at the beginning of the story. 

So, here we have a man that no matter what happened to him, he maintained his faith.  I am no Job, but despite my hardships in life, I too have maintained my faith.  I know that God is in the midst.  But I still haven’t answered the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  I personally think that God puts us through hardship for several reasons.  First of all, it does test our faith.  If we can get through a hardship and maintain or even increase our faith, then we need to praise God.  The Bible says “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances;  for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 (ESV)  We should be praising God in difficult times not only because this is God's will for us but also, because we are learning something and growing closer to God.  Our faith blossoms like a flower in spring.

I also believe that through hardship, God’s glory can indeed shine brightly.  It shines every time we praise him in times of trouble.   It shines when we reach out to our brothers and sisters in Christ and ask them to pray for us.  It shines in the reflection of our tears.  It shines when we are on our knees, so humbled and broken that we feel even the slightest trace of what our Lord, Jesus Christ must have felt when he was led to the Cross like a lamb to slaughter.   It shines when we use our hardships as a testimony to our faith and restoration through our Lord, Jesus Christ.

 Lastly, I believe that these hardships allow us to grow in our faith.  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”  Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

So, as you talk to a friend, a colleague or even a stranger, don’t be too hard on them.  You don’t know the scars on their heart.  You haven’t walked in their shoes.  You don’t know their vulnerabilities or how they’ve been hurt.  Scars on our hearts are tough to heal.   No one can see them or touch them except God Himself.   And it requires us to not only believe in forgiveness but to live it.  Yet, some things are just too inconceivable to forgive.  For those things, we can only turn them over to God.  “God ‘will repay each person according to what they have done’.”

Romans 2: 6 (NIV) 

Thankfully, we have a Savior.  Jesus is our Redeemer and Healer.  He gave us and modeled for us, the gift of forgiveness.  “We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19   (NIV)   It is through Him that we are able to move forward, leave our past where it belongs and bring healing to our hearts -- something we all need. 

 

 

A Devotional

¹³Some people brought children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples scolded the people. ¹⁴ When Jesus noticed this, he was angry and said to his disciples, “Let the children come to me, and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ I assure you that whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ Then he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on each of them, and blessed them.  Mark 10: 13-16

As a teacher to children with special needs, I am frequently told by my colleagues, “You have a crown of gold stars.” or “One day you’re going to be up there with the big JC!”  My response?  Not really…you see, teaching children with special needs does not make me special.  I am no different than any other teacher – my calling is just different.  When I first began studying special education, it was my goal to be a general education teacher.  I was told by my advisor, that if I took special education classes that 80% of the classes were general education classes.  I could easily pass the Praxis and become a general education teacher.  She was right.  I aced the Praxis in both general and special education.  However, what I didn’t know was that God had a plan and a purpose for me in the field of special education.

When moving to Las Vegas, I had difficulty getting a job – any job—in teaching.  One day, I found myself on my knees and asking God to help me find a job that would glorify Him.  Ten minutes later, the call came in – the one that would change my life forever. I would be working with elementary children who had autism.   My life would never be the same again.  My first two years were essentially a baptism by fire.  But as we know, God doesn’t call the equipped – he equips those He calls.  By my third year, not only was I loving my job but I was thriving in it; as were the children who were under my care.  I do not say that to boast but merely, to point out what a miracle I was – for I was the one who had grown throughout this experience.  You see, I was not the blessing to these children; rather, they were the blessing to me.

This year, I have moved on to a different assignment; high school students with severe learning disabilities, autism and emotional difficulties.   Each one special and unique, not because of their disabilities but because of their remarkable abilities.   I pray that through me, He is touching each and every one of them personally. 

Almighty Father, we ask that you bless all children in this world.  Lord, we know that we are all special to you for you knew the number of hairs on our head before we were even born.  We ask that you reach out to these special children; that you place a role model in their life that will serve to be an example of what it means to be a follower of Christ.  We pray that through these servants, they will see the face of Christ, your own Holy Son.  We ask that all gifts of teaching are used according to your plan and purpose and that each of these children live out their lives, using their unique gifts for Your glory.  We praise your Holy and Righteous Name.  We ask for all of this in the name of your precious Son, Jesus Christ, Who is our Teacher.  Amen. 

 

In Memory Of

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. – Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

Today is the anniversary of 9/11.  I hesitate to say anniversary as that has a connotation of happiness, which is the antithesis of what I am feeling today.  I dread 9/11, simply because the montage of images is forever etched in my mind.  People ask, “What possible good could God have had in mind to allow such things to happen?”  My answer is simply, I don’t know.  God does allow bad things to happen.  Perhaps God was showing us that yes, there is evil in the world; an unspeakable horror. After all, 9/11 allowed us to look directly into the face of evil.  It could be that He wanted us to know that without a moral code, people can do really horrible things to others.  Maybe He was showing us that free will abounds.  We can exercise it but human judgment is erred without divine guidance.   

I do know that all things, whether good or evil, are used for God’s glory.  So where’s the glory in over 3000 lives being lost in one day?  Well, there were rescuers and people on the streets, helping those that were wounded. They worked tirelessly to rescue those that were trapped. They reached out to their fellow man, without thinking of the potential consequences that lie ahead such as lung diseases that would develop years later.   Let’s think about the brave men and women on the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania.  Rather than allow more people to be killed, they chose to sacrifice their lives to save others.  As a nation, we rose up and took a stand against evil.  That’s powerful.

Looking at the images that day made many realize we are not guaranteed an hour.  We are not guaranteed a minute.  We are guaranteed a life worth living; and we should live it to the fullest!  And yes, we need to have faith; faith in a Father who loves us more than we can imagine.  Faith in a Son who sacrificed so much in order that all future generations could live a life filled with hope.  And a Holy Spirit that guides our moral code and decision making.

So on this day, let’s not just remember the tragedy that took place but the hope.  Hope that our fellow man is willing to help others by reaching out in times of distress.  Hope that our God is alive and well.  Hope that we have a future due to the sacrifice by the men and women who have served in the post 9/11 armed services.  Most of all, we have hope because of God.  He is there no matter what – He is in the midst of it all.  He is sovereign and offers us the greatest hope of all; eternal life.

So as we look to the heavens tonight and think about those who lost their lives so tragically twelve years ago, think about all He has done and all He is capable of doing.  He is there to comfort those who mourn.  Allow Him to do so, as we continue to grieve the loss of our fellow man.

Angels Among Us

The thought of angels among us is interesting.  I've always believed in angels, yet didn't encounter any until later in life.  In a 2011 poll done by CBS, 8 out of 10 people believe in angels – even among those who did not readily identify as being “religious.”  For most, 80 percent is a lot!  However, I know I have personally been impacted by several angel encounters; so to me, those numbers are not surprising.   

The first angel encounter was actually through my daughter.  She was around 18 months of age; barely talking.  When playing, I noticed she was talking to herself.  Not uncommon to have an imaginary friend.  But when I questioned her about it, she said she was talking to her “angels.”  Odd, since our children were not introduced to any sort of religion before their teen years and no talk of angels in our home.  I pressed her about her angels.  She told me she had 4 good angels and a bad angel.  I do remember one’s name was Rachel.  After talking with her, I had no doubt that child was seeing and interacting with angels.  Furthermore, the movie “Heart and Souls”, depicted what I imagined her angel encounters to have been like to her.

As for me, my own angel encounter happened after the Tsunami of 2004.  I was watching the images from it on the news, and it was just too horrific to even fathom.  My mind simply could not wrap around what I was seeing.  What could I do to help?  What could my church do to participate in helping people in that part of the world?  I did the only thing I could think to do, which was to attempt to do something normal.  I went to the local mall.  The entire time I was at the mall, my mind was completely preoccupied by those television images.  However, while going down the escalator, I spoke with a woman who had turned around to look back at me.  We talked about shopping and how we hide purchases from our husbands;  you know, “normal” stuff.  Just as she started to get off the escalator, she turned to me once again and said, “Pray for the world.”  Then she rounded the corner.  I had chills.  I had no doubt that was an angel in physical form.   No one knew what I was thinking; but, she certainly did.  We had made no mention of the tragedy that had unfolded and yet, she seemed to know how disturbing I found it.    

Another angel encounter happened when I was driving.  I was taking my youngest son to middle school and within approximately 20 feet, a school bus pulled directly in my path.  I had a split second to make a decision -- I turned the wheel as hard as it would go and slammed my brakes.  I don’t know why that bus driver chose to pull out directly in front of me but my actions caused my car to hit the bus with much less impact and fortunately, no children were injured.  My car was totaled but, neither my son nor I were injured.  I know there was the hand of an angel on us that day and on those children in that bus.  Furthermore, people actually stopped their cars to tell me they would serve as witnesses to the event.  No one could understand how the bus driver did not see us or why she chose to pull out at that time.

So, what is an angel?  The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language 4^th edition (2000) defines it as a “typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth…” In Christianity, “The last of the nine orders of angels in medieval angelology.  From the highest to the lowest in rank, the orders are: seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominations or dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels, and angels.  It is also defined as “a guardian spirit or guiding influence”. 

I was curious as to what the Bible had to say about angels,  so I did what everyone does -- a Google search.  I found an interesting article on the website www.About.com. In it, Mary Fairchild writes that angels are mentioned in the Bible 273 times.  Some angel facts according to the article are as follows:

Angels were created by God. 

Colossians 1:16 says “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible…all things were created by him and for him.

Angels live for eternity.  

In Luke 20:3 it says “…for they are equal to the angels and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection.”

Angels don’t get married. 

“At the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” Matthew 22:30

Angels are wise and intelligent.

2 Samuel 14:17 says, “now your servant says, ‘May the word of my lord the king secure my inheritance, for my lord the king is like an angel of God in discerning good and evil…”

Angels have knowledge of and are interested in the affairs of mankind.

 In Daniel 10:14, it says “Now I have come to explain in you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come.”

Angels are faster than man.

 “Then I saw another angel flying in midair, and he had the eternal gospel to proclaim to those who live on the earth—to every nation, tribe, language and people.” Revelation 14:6

Angels can be invisible.

 In Job 4:15 it says, “A spirit glided past my face, and the hair on my body stood on end.”

Angels are subject to Christ.

 1 Peter 3:22 says “...who has gone into heaven and is at God’s right hand—with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him.”

One question we probably all have wondered at one time or another is why were angels created? 

In Revelation 4:8, it describes how angels are made to worship and glorify God the Father and God the Son.  “Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying:

“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,’ who was, and is, and is to come.”

Angels are sent to help mankind.

  In Hebrews 1:14 it says, “Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?”

These are just a few of the references the Bible makes concerning angels.  I was curious as to what “regular” people thought about angels.  And so, I asked people on Facebook and Twitter to send me their stories.  These are some that I received.

Someone told me her mother-in-law visited her in her bedroom at the exact moment of her passing.  She shared the incident with her husband just before he received the call that she had passed.  This encounter  allowed her to witness God’s love and faithfulness with him.  Ultimately, his faith became stronger as a result.

Another said  while sightseeing, her shoe got caught and she nearly plunged 15 feet into water below, which would probably have resulted in a certain death.    She described that she felt a push, which prevented her from falling backwards into the water.  Her daughter, who saw the incident, said it appeared as if she was pushed forward by someone but no one was physically there. 

Someone else saw a small child in the road while driving to see her father, who lay deathly ill in the hospital.  She was on a dark, winding road and could barely see the road through her tears.  When she saw the child, she stopped.  Her stopping allowed her to clear her head and eyes so that she could get to the hospital safely.  She ultimately made it to the hospital in time to see her father.  He survived but passed away a few months later.

Lastly, someone described how on the day of her mother’s funeral she saw an angel as she was entering the funeral limousine.  Her mother had passed suddenly and in a tragic manner.  She said the angel looked like a woman she knew who had passed away previously.  She thought it was the family member of a friend of hers.  She said that seeing the angel left her with a feeling of peace.

Angels are God’s way of helping us through difficult times.  They are there by our sides, to lift us up when we are down or help us along the way.  Not everyone sees angels nor has to see angels to believe in God’s existence.  Like us, they were created to glorify and worship God.  They observe, help, minister and bring messages to us.  Though lowest on the holy hierarchy, they are still above us.  Like God, we can probably never truly understand them; but as we seek to know Him better, so we can embrace those heavenly beings He has sent to embrace us.