The Scars on My Heart

I was on my knees next to my bed tonight, praying and reflecting – thinking over my day.  It was not a great one.  Certainly not what I would say was my best example of being a Christian but also, I realize that we all fall short at times.  As I thought about people I interacted with, conversations I engaged in, I realized that these are all not just who we are but reflections of our hearts.  No matter how much we may think we know someone, we don’t see their hearts.  And I began to think…I know my heart has scars but what about theirs?

As most know, I work with special needs children.  Every year in my classroom, I have a lesson on bullying.  In this lesson, I hand each child a red construction paper heart.  I tell them I am going to tell them a story, and each time they hear something that is hurtful to tear off a piece of the heart.  So I begin…and I tell my story.  It changes from year to year, as it is one I make up but always, I come to the end of it when their hearts look like little more than scraps of paper on their desk.  Then, I give them tape; a lot of it. And I tell them, I am going to retell the story.  Only this time, I ask them to tape a piece of the heart back together when they hear something kind.   I stop when their hearts are reasonably taped up; battered but in one piece.  I then pose a very pointed question to them…does the heart look the same as when we started?  The answer is always a resounding “no”.  I explain to them every time you say or do something unkind to another, it changes their heart in some way.  We can say we’re sorry but it is never quite the same again. 

So, tonight when I was praying I was thinking about my heart.  I was thinking about other hearts – and the scars that I can’t see.  I have what feels like a million scars on my heart.  I come from a highly dysfunctional home – you know, the kind that looks perfect on the outside.  I am also extremely good at hiding all that I have seen and been through.  I have suffered every kind of abuse at the hands of many.  I come from the home of divorced parents.   My parents fought incessantly.   My mother was an alcoholic who remarried twice after my father.  Although a lovely lady, she could not be alone.  Not her fault – just the way she is wired.  My father was the same way except he had a penchant for girls half his age.   He was a Holocaust survivor.  I believe that was a great part of his makeup from having been through so much in his life.  In retrospect, I believe my father suffered mental illness –probably as a result of his life-- and ultimately committed suicide, which serendipitously occurred on the date of my wedding anniversary.  And then, there’s my recent divorce after 31 years of marriage.   My children don’t like to hear this but I did have much emotional abuse in my marriage.  I didn’t feel worthy of having the kind of love I deserved.  Finally, I had the courage to move on.  I had to for survival. Painful but necessary.  Yes, my heart is no longer red but black and blue.  And it has been taped back together over and over again after being shattered into a million pieces. 

 Yet, to look at me, one would never know it.  I am a responsible adult with four beautiful adult children and four grandchildren.  I have a master’s degree and teach.  I have a passion for my work and the special needs children I work with; doesn’t matter if they’re younger or older, they all tear at my heartstrings.  I never really know once they leave my classroom how they do, but I always pray for them while they are with me and that I am doing the very best work that God has called me to do.    And I have a strong, unshakeable faith in God and His sovereignty.  A faith that is so constant and sure that I cannot even conceive or comprehend where it came from.  Yet, it’s there.  I have good days and bad days but mostly good.  On days when I’m sure my legs will not hold me upright, I can reach out to a fellow Christian and they will build me up.   They will pray for me, hold me and even wipe the tears from my eyes.   You see, that is the power of faith.  Knowing that God is there when you can’t see him.  Knowing that he will send another believer to you who will carry you in those times of despair or wrap their arms around you and tell you it’s going to be okay.

Many people might think, how does she do it?  How come she survived when so many others aren’t able to or are incapable of doing so.  Some days, I wonder.   But I will tell you;  I am convinced it is because of the love and grace of Jesus Christ.  I’ve told my story to people before in some detail and they are absolutely horrified.  Unfortunately,  their reaction provokes shame in me.  Shame for things that I had no control over.  It’s almost like being violated again.  You work incredibly hard to forgive and then by some thoughtless remark or callous reaction, it’s like I’m reliving my past.  Some people straight up can’t deal with hearing these things and I have lost friends over it.  I don’t’ share freely and this is the first time I’ve even shared so openly.  Only a handful of people know about my background.  It is definitely a taboo subject.  Yet tonight, God laid it on my heart to write about it.  So there it is.  No more secrets, though the fear of peoples’ reactions remain in my heart, that is so scarred and so incredibly scared.   Will I lose more friends?  Maybe.  But I also have faith that there is someone out there that needs to hear these words.  Perhaps someone else whose heart has been scarred to where it is no longer recognizable.

Frequently, I’ve heard people say, why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?  Some say that God doesn’t allow it but rather, it’s from Satan.  To those people, I would say you are half right.  For if we look at the story of Job, God does allow bad things to happen to good people.  Because I believe the Bible is God’s Word, I think reading the book of Job gives us some answers to our questions.  For example, God did allow Satan to make Job’s life miserable.  So then, do we have a God who delights in our misery?  Why would he allow such terrible things to happen?  Let’s look at the story of Job.   

In Job 1:6-12 God and Satan have a conversation about Job. 

“One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. ⁷ The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”  If we stop there, you can see that Satan does indeed roam the earth.  He is a force to be reckoned with, which coincides with the thoughts of some that Satan is on the prowl. 

As we continue reading, ⁸ Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”  Okay, we know Job is a good guy – so much so that even God acknowledges it. 

Continuing, ⁹ “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. ¹⁰ “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.   At this point, God has put a hedge of protection around Job to protect him from Satan and He has blessed him richly. 

Reading on, ^11 "But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”  Hmmmm, I don’t know.  That Job’s a pretty righteous dude.  Curse God?  Satan seems to think so.  But let’s not forget, God already knows the outcome to this.  After all, He is omnipotent.  Here’s God’s response…

^“12 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.  Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.” (NIV)  So, we have a solid man, believer in God and Satan who wants to do evil to him.  And guess what…God ALLOWS it!  Yes, God does allow bad things to happen to good people.  But why?  I have my own theory but let’s delve back into Job.  Throughout Job’s hardships, and there were many, he maintained his faith in the Lord. 

Job himself says, “13To God belong wisdom and power;
    counsel and understanding are his.
¹⁴ What he tears down cannot be rebuilt;
    those he imprisons cannot be released.
¹⁵ If he holds back the waters, there is drought;
    if he lets them loose, they devastate the land.
¹⁶ To him belong strength and insight;
    both deceived and deceiver are his.
¹⁷ He leads rulers away stripped
    and makes fools of judges.
¹⁸ He takes off the shackles put on by kings
    and ties a loincloth^[b] around their waist.
¹⁹ He leads priests away stripped
    and overthrows officials long established.
²⁰ He silences the lips of trusted advisers
    and takes away the discernment of elders.
²¹ He pours contempt on nobles
    and disarms the mighty.
²² He reveals the deep things of darkness
    and brings utter darkness into the light.
²³ He makes nations great, and destroys them;
    he enlarges nations, and disperses them.
²⁴ He deprives the leaders of the earth of their reason;
    he makes them wander in a trackless waste.
²⁵ They grope in darkness with no light;
    he makes them stagger like drunkards.” Job 25: 13 – 24 (NIV)

Make no mistake – Job understands that God is in control.  Over and over again, he prays to God.  He remains true in his faith.  In fact, his friends try to put doubts in his mind about God’s faithfulness.  Yet, Job maintains his praises for God.  He may not understand why he is being put through such extreme hardships, yet he accepts it as God’s will for him.  Period.  End of story.  But, is it?  I want to go back to the story to Job and see how it ends.  In Job 42: 7-17, we have the epilogue.

 ^“7 After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. ⁸ So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” ⁹ So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them; and the Lord accepted Job’s prayer.

¹⁰ After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. ¹¹ All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the Lord had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver^[a] and a gold ring.

¹² The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. ¹³ And he also had seven sons and three daughters. ¹⁴ The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. ¹⁵ Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

¹⁶ After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. ¹⁷ And so Job died, an old man and full of years.”  God acknowledges that Job remained a faithful servant whereas, his friends did not.  God also not only restored Job’s wealth but he gave him even more than he had at the beginning of the story. 

So, here we have a man that no matter what happened to him, he maintained his faith.  I am no Job, but despite my hardships in life, I too have maintained my faith.  I know that God is in the midst.  But I still haven’t answered the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  I personally think that God puts us through hardship for several reasons.  First of all, it does test our faith.  If we can get through a hardship and maintain or even increase our faith, then we need to praise God.  The Bible says “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances;  for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 (ESV)  We should be praising God in difficult times not only because this is God's will for us but also, because we are learning something and growing closer to God.  Our faith blossoms like a flower in spring.

I also believe that through hardship, God’s glory can indeed shine brightly.  It shines every time we praise him in times of trouble.   It shines when we reach out to our brothers and sisters in Christ and ask them to pray for us.  It shines in the reflection of our tears.  It shines when we are on our knees, so humbled and broken that we feel even the slightest trace of what our Lord, Jesus Christ must have felt when he was led to the Cross like a lamb to slaughter.   It shines when we use our hardships as a testimony to our faith and restoration through our Lord, Jesus Christ.

 Lastly, I believe that these hardships allow us to grow in our faith.  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”  Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

So, as you talk to a friend, a colleague or even a stranger, don’t be too hard on them.  You don’t know the scars on their heart.  You haven’t walked in their shoes.  You don’t know their vulnerabilities or how they’ve been hurt.  Scars on our hearts are tough to heal.   No one can see them or touch them except God Himself.   And it requires us to not only believe in forgiveness but to live it.  Yet, some things are just too inconceivable to forgive.  For those things, we can only turn them over to God.  “God ‘will repay each person according to what they have done’.”

Romans 2: 6 (NIV) 

Thankfully, we have a Savior.  Jesus is our Redeemer and Healer.  He gave us and modeled for us, the gift of forgiveness.  “We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19   (NIV)   It is through Him that we are able to move forward, leave our past where it belongs and bring healing to our hearts -- something we all need.