It Can Be Done

 

 

So tonight, I did the unthinkable...I bought a car!  A year and a half ago, I had purchased a vehicle right after my divorce.  My 11 year old car bit the dust -- so much, that even my mechanic sanctioned the purchase!  I got the cheapest, nicest car I could possibly afford.  It was a good car -- a 2012 Hyundai with 28,000 miles.  I was happy with the purchase except for one thing; the interest rate.   I knew my credit was bad but I had no idea how bad!  Let's put it this way, I was offered a 21% rate of interest by the Toyota dealer.  I sardonically replied, "How about if I just put it on my credit card?"  He asked, "Do you have one?"  The truth was, I didn't -- my credit stunk!  And so, began an uphill battle of trying to survive and figure out how to get out of this financial quagmire.

 

I knew I had much to overcome.  I worked two jobs and a third one in summer.  I still work the two jobs and yes, God willing, will also do the third one again.  It has not been easy.  The nights I work my second job, I am too tired to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal.  Those are

12-13 hour days, and they are long!  I am exhausted during the week, and live for my week-ends, when I can just hang out and get some much needed rest.  I usually sleep in and then watch movies with the cat.  Sometimes I meet a friend for coffee or go for a walk.  It is quiet time and a time of "real" rest. 

 

When I first divorced and had the backlash of  my financial issues to face, many people advised me to declare bankruptcy.  "Your credit will be good in just a few years."  Although it was tempting, I preferred to work my way out of debt.  Save bankruptcy for if I ever had something serious such as giant, unpaid medical bills -- not old debt from my marriage.  Besides, it would never solve what was is at the root of my financial problems; student loans.  And so, I developed a plan of action; write a budget, increase my income and stick to my budget.  There was no room for any missteps.

 

I have done pretty well.  I have worked my ass off for the last year and a half.  I have paid my bills on time and even now have a credit card with a small limit that I use for emergencies.  I have no savings but I have to be ok with that for now.  I am able to pay my bills, keep a roof over my head and food on the table.

 

Today, after a year and a half, I have seen the results of my hard work.  My credit score is up by about 100 points.  I am now at a halfway decent score.  More importantly, I got an 8% interest rate on the car I purchased.  A year and a half ago, the best rate I got was 14%!  I remember thanking God at the time because not only could I purchase a car, but I did not need a co-signer.  I remember shaking when I bought that car because honestly, I wasn't sure I could afford the payment.  I just prayed to God that I was doing the right thing.  At the time, I only had one job.  However, I trusted God and shortly thereafter, I had my second and third jobs. 

 

I am writing this article because frankly, the temptation to declare bankruptcy was great, I actually saw a lawyer.  There were many nights I didn't sleep and yet, I made my budget and stuck to it.  I am doing slightly better now financially.  More importantly, I am seeing that my hard work is paying off.  Is it easy?  No, not by a longshot!  Just a couple of weeks ago, I was so tired, I felt like crying.  I confided to a friend that I just felt like giving up to which this person replied, "That's not an option."  This person was right.  Giving up never was an option.

 

Getting out of debt is not static.  It is an ongoing process.  I am working on ways to save money.  It doesn't seem like buying a car would be one way to do it but by restructuring the financing, I am able to save $70.00/month.  Maybe not a lot to most but it's a lot to me.  I will also be shopping my insurance again.  I'm told that my rate looks high -- this from the man who sold me my car!  Ah yes, another of God's angels.   And so, if I can save a few hundred a year on that, all the better.  I am trying to find a way to save several hundred dollars a month.  I would like to be able to quit job #2 by next year and just keep my summer job.  Is that a possibility?  I'm trying really hard to make it one!

 

For now, I know that while trying to make ends meet, a year and a half has felt long.  However, in the scheme of things, it really hasn't been that long.  A divorce can be devastating in many ways.  I don't expect my financials to be straightened out in a year or two or even three.  I do, however, hope that in the next ten years, things will start to look up.    Roughly half of my student loans will be forgiven in 10 years because I work as a public servant.  My car will be paid off.  I will not have any children at home and can move to a smaller, less expensive place.  All of this takes time; and God willing, I have it.  I hope to "semi" retire in the next 15 years.  Maybe substitute teach to supplement my income.  Life is looking up.

 

For those of you that are struggling -- keep your chin up.  Find that friend who will say to you, "You can cry but giving up is not an option!"  It would have been so easy to declare bankruptcy; yet, I chose the harder road.  I am glad I did, because the sense of accomplishment I have is one that will stay with me for an incredibly long time.  It has strengthened my resolve and my motivation. 

 

Oh, and there's an interesting twist to this story...just an aside, really... At the car dealership, I ran into a friend that I used to work with -- I saw her there a year and a half ago at the same time and place.  I remember telling her that I was buying my first car.  They too were purchasing a car.  Tonight, a little deja vu.  I'm pretty sure that was God saying, "It's going to be okay!"

 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
  in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) 

 

 

 

"More than You Think I Am" by Danny Gokey

 

 http://youtu.be/Su5DG8pQMB8

Love Eternal

 

What was God's message when He sent Jesus?  Most of it has to do with love.  Jesus  was asked,  "“Teacher, what is the most important commandment in the Law?”
³⁷ Jesus answered:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. ³⁸ This is the first and most important commandment. ³⁹ The second most important commandment is like this one. And it is, “Love others as much as you love yourself.” ⁴⁰ All the Law of Moses and the Books of the Prophets^[a] are based on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40 (CEV)

So, what is love?  There are thousands of internet sites touting that you can find love on them. But can  you really?  Was this the kind of love Jesus was referring to?

When we read the Bible, Jesus loved the unlovable.  He ministered to the lepers.  He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well.  He allowed Mary, a prostitute, to join Him and the apostles on His journey.  He ministered to the downtrodden.  And so, I want to ask you -- who are you loving today?  Is it your spouse?  Your significant other?  Your children?   Your grandchildren?  Maybe, your best friend.  Or are you loving those that are not quite so lovable.

You see, it's easy to give love to those we are close to; relatives and friends.  Yet, what about the student with the reputation for having an emotional or conduct disorder?  What about a child with Down's Syndrome?  Or a homeless teen?  Everyone wants to think, "well, but for the grace of God..."  Yes, you're right.  But-For-The-Grace-Of-God!  God has, I'm sure, blessed you in many ways.  But what if -- just what if that less than perfect child -- were one of God's blessings?  What if that less-than-perfect child, somehow taught US a lesson?

I have now given you a glimpse into the world of special education.  You see, as special educators, we work with children with all sorts of needs.  No one can really understand the calling of a special education teacher.  I'm not even sure I understand it.  When I entered the field, I did so with the express idea that I would use it as a stepping stone to the general education classroom.  Now, I wouldn't go into general education for anything!  Why the change of heart?

I personally believe God worked a small miracle on me.  He took someone who had no understanding or background of working with children with special needs and changed my heart.  I am not unique.  There are many teachers who would go to the mat for their students.  Special education is something that sort of gets under your skin.  Once you work with these children, you realize that it doesn't matter what they are capable of doing. Your job is to bring out the best in them and help them to be successful in the classroom and out in the 'real" world.  That's it; at least, in my humble opinion. 

You see, I don't listen to what teachers tell me or look at student files ad infinitum. Every person is different and everyone reacts to a situation and teacher differently.  Every teacher is not the same,   nor are students.  As such, we need to look at each child as individuals. How can I help this individual reach their full potential? How can unlock the knowledge they have?  Because, regardless of the disability, each child deserves a chance at a full life.  They also deserve to be loved.

And so, as you look at the mom with the child who is throwing a tantrum in the store, don't be hypercritical.  That child may have autism.  Don't feel sorry for the 60 year old woman with the 25 year old daughter with Down's Syndrome, because believe me, she loves that child more than life itself.  Don't tell me I'm going to heaven because I teach these children who have a multitude of disabilities.  It is not a burden to me; rather, it is a privilege to work with these incredible young men and women.  And so, as you think about your own life and what is love, think about Jesus.  What did He do to show love?  He served others.  He reached out to those that needed a hand up.  He blessed those that others looked down upon because they were less than perfect.  I dare say, each of us is less than perfect as well.  Your disability is just not as visible.

Today, I would ask you to reach down inside yourselves and encourage someone who needs to be lifted up.  Someone who is down.   Why do you think Jesus came anyhow?  To love the unlovable -- yes, even you!

Think about your love for others and how you can be more like Christ as this song plays.  We are the unlovable.  Think about the sacrifices He made for us.  We are the thorns in His crown and the sweat on His brow.  We are the reason He came and died.  Consider that as you listen.

"You Loved Me Anyway" by the Sidewalk Prophets

http://youtu.be/T7vsTUbi5yI

Mary Jane

 

 

 

Mary Jane is a family friend.  She's been hanging around for years.  She has caused all sorts of dissension in our family; in fact, she is not someone I particularly like.  She is a downer.  She brings everyone around her down.  She hangs around with a young man in my family, causing him to do want to do little, other than just hang around with her.  Mary Jane is the drug marijuana.

 

You see, many folks have the wrong assumption that marijuana is harmless.  Perhaps to some, it is.  However, I believe that to people with addictive personalities, which is rampant in my family, it can indeed cause a physical and psychological dependence.  I think it can probably be likened to an alcoholic.  Some people can drink without any problem whatsoever; but in some, a switch is turned on that causes someone to go from ordinary drinking to not-able-to-function-in-life drinking.  So too, I believe, with marijuana.

 

I've watched as family ties were broken, things were stolen and sold off, cars were wrecked and personalities changed.  The person I'm speaking of was once a cheerful, happy person.  He is now morose, sullen, incredibly impatient, filled with grandiose ideas, suffers depression  and has little ambition in life. 

 

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, "A number of studies have linked chronic marijuana use and mental illness. High doses of marijuana can produce a temporary psychotic reaction (involving hallucinations and paranoia) in some users, and using marijuana can worsen the course of illness in patients with schizophrenia. A series of large studies following users across time also showed a link between marijuana use and later development of psychosis. This relationship was influenced by genetic variables as well as the amount of drug used, drug potency, and the age at which it was first taken—those who start young are at increased risk for later problems.   Associations have also been found between marijuana use and other mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts among adolescents, and personality disturbances, including a lack of motivation to engage in typically rewarding activities. More research is still needed to confirm and better understand these linkages" (2014). 

 

He is unable to get a job because he cannot pass a drug test.  He attends school until he decides he has enough.  He has bad credit at an incredibly young age. He is like a butterfly with a broken wing, unable to fly in a straight trajectory.

 

Now for some, there will be the argument, "It's only weed.  It doesn't hurt you like alcohol."  I would beg to differ.  I now am seeing posts on Facebook about how marijuana is actually good for the brain.  Here's what the National Institute on Drug Abuse reports. 

 

"THC acts on specific molecular targets on brain cells, called cannabinoid receptors. These receptors are ordinarily activated by chemicals similar to THC that naturally occur in the body (such as anandamide) and are part of a neural communication network called the endocannabinoid system. This system plays an important role in normal brain development and function.  The highest density of cannabinoid receptors is found in parts of the brain that influence pleasure, memory, thinking, concentration, sensory and time perception, and coordinated movement. Marijuana overactivates the endocannabinoid system, causing the “high” and other effects that users experience. These effects include altered perceptions and mood, impaired coordination, difficulty with thinking and problem solving, and disrupted learning and memory.   Marijuana also affects brain development, and when it is used heavily by young people, its effects on thinking and memory may last a long time or even be permanent. A recent study of marijuana users who began using in adolescence revealed substantially reduced connectivity among brain areas responsible for learning and memory. And a large long-term study in New Zealand showed that people who began smoking marijuana heavily in their teens lost an average of 8 points in IQ between age 13 and age 38. Importantly, the lost cognitive abilities were not fully restored in those who quit smoking marijuana as adults. Those who started smoking marijuana in adulthood did not show significant IQ declines" (2014).  

Think of it this way; our bodies are made up of approximately 60% water but drink too much and you die.  So, the argument we have this chemical in our brain and it really doesn't hurt is crazy.

Is it addictive? Indeed it is!   I have watched very real withdrawal.  I do not believe it is the drug we were led to believe it was in the 60's.  In fact, as I hear it, it is much more potent now.  What other drug would drive you to go buy incense to smoke because it is a 'legal' marijuana?  Here's what the facts are according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse:

"Contrary to common belief, marijuana is addictive. Estimates from research suggest that about 9 percent of users become addicted to marijuana; this number increases among those who start young (to about 17 percent, or 1 in 6) and among people who use marijuana daily (to 25-50 percent).  Long-term marijuana users trying to quit report withdrawal symptoms including irritability, sleeplessness, decreased appetite, anxiety, and drug craving, all of which can make it difficult to abstain" (2014).

 

You might ask, why am I writing an article on marijuana?  And why now?  Because, I am watching someone I love self-destruct and it is hard to watch.  I hope that he can get his life together before it is too late. I know because I have watched a slow decline of a beautiful mind and a happy-go-lucky person.  I hope that if you know someone who is smoking weed, you will show them this article.  I am also posting the link for the article where I did my research.  This is serious stuff.  It is not a rite of passage but rather a walk down a slippery slope.

 

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/marijuana

The Past

 

I've been asked by individuals the most ludicrous questions about my past; individuals who I barely know, let alone wish to account for my action or inaction to a situation.  I always try to be forthright with people, yet it seems to come with a price that I pay.  And so,   I want to talk about that subject today because frankly, these questions are never easy to answer.

Admittedly, I was not the best candidate for marriage nor was my spouse.   It was not a match made in heaven from the start.  However, I have been asked things such as, why did you have four kids with your husband if you had such a crappy marriage?  Um, because I wanted four kids?  Because I loved how our genes melded together to create such beautiful children?  Because I had a couple of good years in there and hoped things would turn out okay?  Because I gave up hope of getting out and just tried to survive -- and my children made me happy!

I went through a date rape in college. Question-- why didn't you file a police report?  Answer -- choose any or all -- Fear, intimidation -- I was at the man's apartment.  He had driven me there.  We were on a date and this was totally unexpected because I trusted him.   I could not get up and walk away when I was 10 miles from my apartment.  I was shaking and in shock.  The only phone was his.  This was pre-cell phone days.  And so, I sat there and did nothing.  It was the only thing I could do at the time.  Afterwards?  He convinced me it was not really a rape.  I wanted to believe that something so terrible could not happen to me and so I believed him.   I WANTED to believe him...that somehow I was mistaken.  And so, it went unreported.


People are amazed that I fail to realize how much sexuality plays into a man's existence.  It is what drove David -- who was incredibly close to God -- to not just have sex with another man's wife but be willing to kill to make it happen!  And yet, I never "got it".  And so I hear -- how can you not know this?  Let's see...I could make up a million answers but the truth is, I was incredibly naïve all my life.  Never dated until college.  Never understood men (and I'm not really sure I even do now).    I've been propositioned more in the last year than I was in the first 54 years of my life!  I am just now starting to understand.

Last question, how were you able to let a man take all of your money?  You're smart, you have a good career, a master's degree...!  That's an easy one...I trusted someone who was not trustworthy.  I falsely assumed that no one could put on a front for over 30 years to get what they wanted out of someone.   Women do it all the time to men (from what I hearing), so why not men? I was -- at the very least--incredibly gullible!

As I write this, I am shaking.  Why?  Because, I am answering questions I prefer not to answer.  Yet, I am asked them all the time by near-strangers.  In today's internet world, where saying and/or doing things are not off-limits, people want to know.  I suppose, by virtue of putting my blog "out there" and my personal life on display for all to see, I have invited this unwanted intrusion.  And so today, I am writing about it for all to see; in order to stop having to answer the questions that so many want to ask.  Instead of having to answer, I can now say "Go read my blog called The Past'."

I hope for those of you who asked or wondered,  your curiosity is now satiated.  My past is simply that -- my past.  I prefer to look toward the future and the hope that it brings.  I believe my future is bright.  I have God, my family and a career that brings much joy to my life.  I am thankful for everything I've been through because it has made me the person I am today.  I am strong, confident and a new person in Christ.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person.  The past is forgotten, and everything is new." (CEV)  I believe this.  It is God's reassurance that we are justified by faith.

Most of all, I am not unlovable by virtue of my past.  Whereas most people try to hide their past, I prefer to own up to mine.  I know, that when the time comes, I will find someone who can look beyond it and move forward with me in this journey we call life.   In the meantime, I am taking those tentative first steps alone.  It is hard, takes courage but with God, it is completely possible.  "Jesus looked straight at them and said,  'There are some things that people cannot do, but God can do anything.'" (CEV)

In the end, our past does not define our future.  Rather, it is a starting point by which to measure our growth.  I have spent the last two years trying to find myself.   In doing so, I have I have gone from rock bottom to learning who I am and what I am capable of becoming.  I am learning new things daily.  My past cannot be changed, erased or edited.  It can only be accepted; by myself and those around me.

This song pretty much sums it up!

"This Year" by JJ Heller

http://youtu.be/OAsouPV8F-g

Brokenness

The other day, I received a comment on a blog I had written.  It was someone who was coping with a loss of a family member.  They asked me how to make sense of it.  It is hard.  How can I answer that?  I could distinctly "feel" from their words, that they were broken.

For me, going through a divorce was the source of my brokenness.  It was the culmination of a life that I thought was an "epic" fail.  It is hard to admit but I had suicidal ideations.  I had a bottle of prescription pills that I knew would easily put an end to this mess known as "my life".  It wasn't just the "shame" of being divorced but of being financially devastated.  That just didn't happen in my family.  Having no money was huge in my mind;  my background was upper middle class and I had now joined the ranks of the working poor.

 I thought about it frequently.  Everyday was a struggle.  Financially, I could barely make ends meet.  Getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work, putting on a happy "teacher" face...I felt like I was walking through neck-deep sludge.   And I did it day after day after day...for nearly a year and a half.  I did not feel normal.  I was happy to be out of my marriage but my life was broken.  My dreams were broken.  More importantly, I was broken.  I prayed.  I prayed for God to take away the pain I was feeling.  I had never gone through such a loss and it hurt badly.  Being with someone for 34 years and they were suddenly out of my life.  It was scary.  I knew the divorce was necessary for my survival and yet, I was terrified.   I wasn't sure I would survive.   I had to suddenly depend on me; and I had never, ever had to do that.  I didn't know if I could make it financially.  Could I live without a man in my life?  What if I never met someone again -- or ever had sex again?  Yes, these are all crazy (and probably, quite normal)  thoughts and yet, they were playing in my head.   I didn't know if I would ever feel normal again.  I was -- in every sense -- broken.   A shell of my former self; as little as I had left remaining.  Certainly, I had no idea of who I would become or how I would get there. 

So, what does one do when going through a period of immense loss?  For me, the one thing that kept me grounded was my family.  As a suicide survivor, I know the devastation of losing a family member to suicide.  I kept pulling that memory from the recesses of my mind.  Did I want my own children to go through survivor's guilt?  Leaving them wonder for years why I did it?  Did I want my grandchildren to grow up without Grandma Lisa?  They are so little, they wouldn't even remember me.  A somewhat selfish motive but at least it kept me alive.  More importantly, in my mind, suicide was a permanent solution to a very temporary problem.   I didn't have the answers for how to get back on my feet but I knew that there were some.   Despite my financial and emotional devastation, I used every resource I had to get through that period of loss.

I counseled with both my pastor and a professional counselor.  I saw my physician who prescribed an anti-depressant.   I reached out to friends who had been through divorce.  I attended DivorceCare.  I kept busy with work and volunteering.  Somehow, helping others seemed to take my mind off myself.  I was on the Stephen Ministry and prayer teams at my church.  Praying for others and seeing the immense problems that others faced, made me realize that a divorce is not the end of the world.  Being broke is not the end of the world.  What is the end of the world is when you are dead.  There is no turning back.  My mother used to say, "dead is dead."  She was right. 

There is no one-size-fits-all for grieving a loss.  There is no sure-fire way to get over being broken.  For myself, turning things over to God helped.  Prayer, attending church, listening to Christian music and going to Bible studies were the mainstay of my life.  Meeting up with Christian friends was my lifeline. 

Eventually, things slowly got better.  A year after the divorce, a friend of mine came for a visit.  We spent the week-end commiserating about both our divorces as well as laughing.  The truth is, for me, that was the turning point.  Having a good laugh with an incredibly close friend was what I needed to feel normal again.  The thoughts of suicide disappeared.  I walked into work that following Monday and I was walking normally -- no more sludge.  The darkness I was feeling had lifted.

I no longer have thoughts of suicide.  I have had short-lived romances.  The sadness I feel over getting to know someone and then having to move on is not nearly as devastating as the loss of my marriage.  Even at that, I spent a lifetime with someone and the sadness I felt eventually went away.  For some, the grief is short-lived.  For others, it takes time.  As for myself, I have never looked back since my divorce.  I knew it was the right thing then, and I still believe it now.  I did not expect the loss to be so immense.  Yet, it was survivable. 

Keep in mind, God uses our brokenness so that we may shine. 

Isaiah 48:10  See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. (NIV)

Daniel 12:10  Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand.

Zechariah 13:9  This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.

To those going through a loss -- whatever it is -- I can only say, be patient.  Time is the great healer.  I also suggest turning to our Great Healer.  He knows what we are going through.   Some great Bible verses that can offer assurance are:

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (ESV)

Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (ESV)

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (ESV)

Matthew 5:3-4  Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (ESV)

I hope this helps you understand that you are not alone in your brokenness.  That God is there.  That he will send others to join you in your journey and help you through your pain.  And that all things, I believe, bring glory to God.  Even the bad things.

In closing, this song got me through the tough times...may it bless you as well!

Stronger by Mandisa

http://youtu.be/emgv-VRtMEU

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post.  I promised I would keep you up-to-date with the latest on my weight loss journey and so, here it is; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today, I worked out with a trainer.  No, I mean REALLY worked out.   Yes, I am sore.  I am sitting on my couch writing and trying to work up the energy to not only clean my kitchen but also, go soak in a hot bath.  I did have enough strength to make a protein drink and that's as far as I've gotten in the past two hours; save a phone call or two.  Perhaps when I actually take a step off the couch I will somehow engage in a momentum that will propel me toward the kitchen and then, up the stairs.  Or, I may sleep on the couch!

As far as my eating -- meh!  Yeah, I have been using less than due diligence with my eating habits.  This was finals week.  I also had an IEP meeting, 2 IEP's to write, grades to input, write lesson plans, write justifications for my observation and need I say more?  Folks, teaching is no longer just chalk to the blackboard.  It is intense.  So much, that I had a few cocktails this week -- something I never do.  On Friday, I had stayed an extra hour after work when the gradebook crashed.  Although I attempted to resuscitate it twice,  it was dead.  It was at that point that I figured God wanted me to go home.  I gave in and mentally said, "That's it!  Enough!"  And so, I had some Oola Fun and went to a friend's house for happy hour.  I'm pretty sure I scored a point or two for actually upping myself in the categories of Fun and Friends.  Fitness?  Healthy eating?  Not-so-much.

Fitness definitely took a back seat to life this week.  Not only were my eating habits sub-par, so too was my exercising. That is, until yesterday.  Yesterday I ramped it up and decided, it was time to get back to the gym.  I hadn't been in a week.  And so, I had a great workout yesterday and today.

Some may ask, "Where's the commitment you talked about a couple of weeks ago?"  Here's the thing...I am committed to losing my weight and getting in shape.  The problem is, lack of time.  Yes, I know there are 24 hours in a day so certainly, I could find the time.  However, I am tired; two jobs definitely zaps my energy.   And so, I am working on lessening personal comfort in lieu of better habits.  This will be a hard one to break.  However, it is a "must do."  Commitment is just that; doing what is hard and necessary not whatever the hell you feel like.

And so, for the next two weeks, I will be working on just that.  Breaking out of my comfort zone; quit whining and just doing it.  I am not taking any bets but if you choose to wager among yourselves, feel free.  I personally think I will break free of the strongholds that bind me. 

Although I joke, this is truly no laughing matter.  I pay $140 a month for medications which are for weight-related conditions; that is a significant amount of money!  Additionally, I am nearing the 55-year mark -- yes, sixty is within sight!  Panic is setting in...not because I am getting close to sixty but because I have seen two types of 60-year-olds; those who are active and young at heart, and those who look like they have one foot in the grave.  I personally prefer to be in the former category rather than the latter.  The gene pool in my family is not pretty.  We have longevity -- that's about it.  And so, I am determined to beat my genetics.  Not only live a long life but an active one; and look pretty darned smokin' in the process!

And so, tomorrow I will hit the gym.  Last year at this time, I was terrified to meet with a personal trainer.  Today, I just wanted to kick butt.  I did a 16, 18 and 20-second plank.  I am 1/3 of the way to my goal of a 1 minute plank.  A couple of months ago, I could only bench press 40 pounds with my legs.  Today, I was up to 70 pounds!  Baby steps. 

I expect in a couple of weeks to see progress.  Not necessarily in my size but definitely in my ability.  I am pushing past what is difficult and moving toward a happier and healthier life.  Is it hard?  Man, is it ever!  Now ask me -- Is it worth it? It better be!  I'm working my tail off to accomplish this!  I have $140 per month riding on it! 

I encourage all of you that are overweight to give up your inhibitions when you step into a gym.  Stop thinking, "I can't do this."  Instead, think about what you can do.  You can change your eating habits.  You can walk.  You can make a positive change and live a happier life.  It is the hardest thing you will ever do.  But no one ever said nothing worthwhile is easy. 

Set your goals and take small, positive steps toward them... C'mon and join me on this journey.  Write me at amazinggrace490@gmail.com and let me know how you're doing!   Let's go after our OolaLife together!  After all -- we deserve it!

My Oola Journey: From Fat to Fabulous

It's 2015 -- have you written out your resolutions yet?  Have you kept any of them?  Interesting, as I have moved through this journey of weight loss, I have discovered something that is key.  That is, it's not about New Year's resolutions or motivation; it's about commitment.

So what's the difference you ask?  Motivation is short-term.  It can increase or wane, depending on your mood.  Dictionary.com defines it as "the process that arouses, sustains and regulates human and animal behavior."  So, for instance -- when my daughter got married, I wanted to lose weight for the wedding.  Did I lose the weight?  I did!  However, I kept asking the counselor at the weight loss center, what happens after the wedding?  I knew I did not have any motivation to move beyond my weight loss or even sustain it.  The truth is, the counselor could never answer that question.  What she missed was that I was motivated, but not committed.

Commitment on the other hand is a long-term process.  You do not care what it takes or how long it takes, as long as the job is completed.  Nothing will stop you from meeting your goal.  Dictionary.com defines commit as "to pledge or engage oneself."  You see, I am no longer motivated at the idea of losing weight, but committed.  I am actively engaging myself in the process.  No longer does eating on vacation mean failure.  Rather, it means I am on vacation having a good time.  Period.  It no longer has to signal that I am less of a person. 

So, since my last blog and prior to vacation, I was down 9.5 lbs.  That is starting to become significant.  Unfortunately, due to vacation -- eating/drinking differently and zero gym time -- I was up 3 lbs.  I can live with that.  I ate and drank pretty much what I wanted.  I completely rested.  It is now time for me to return to the gym and get in my exercise.  It is time to eat like I was eating prior to my vacation.  Done.  Therein lies the commitment.  It is a commitment to myself -- not to an event -- but rather, to me.  It is a priority because I have made myself that.  I DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY!  For those of you struggling with that last statement, read it again -- out loud!  You deserve that, and so much more. 

And so, I do not have any New Year's resolutions because I don't need any.  My priorities have shifted.  I am my priority because if I don't take care of myself, who is going to do it?  So, if you are struggling with your weight and are on this journey with me, stop trying to motivate yourself.  Rather, be committed and stand strong in that commitment.  You are worth it!  You are not changing your eating and exercise habits for the next month or year but rather,  for the rest of your life. 

Join me as we make it a good one, a healthy one and a long one!

Here's to You!

I usually spend the first part of the year reflecting on the previous year.  After all, how can I improve myself if I have no goals or direction?  I have to say, in terms of personal growth, this past year was crazy amazing!  There were, of course,  many ups and downs.

 Most of you know the "downs" which were the pitfalls of dating -- especially for one who hasn't dated since 1979.  Yes, it was a difficult transition to move into the 21st century -- especially with the advent of online dating.  But I managed to get over the humps; and frankly, although my ego took a bruising the first couple of months, managed not to take myself and others so seriously.  After all, I was not looking for that forever partner -- at least, not yet.  And he, by no stretch, appeared.   So, I would say, that chapter is closed for now.

The ups were the strides I have made personally.  I have spent the last year with a Christian counselor.  He has helped me work through some critical issues; self-worth being one of them.  I also met a gentleman through the online dating that was also instrumental in understanding myself.  One of the things we talked about was how we are to love one another from a Christian perspective.  He pointed out this Bible verse as an example. " The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Mark 12:31.  Jesus says this is one of the most important commandments. 

I never really understood this verse until this gentleman and I had a conversation about it.  He asked me, "How can you love others if you don't love yourself?"  Good question.  Could I?  Although I am a Christian, I never really thought much about this verse.  Love others as you love yourself; pretty simple and straight-forward.  But what if you don't love yourself?  Are you capable of loving others?  And therein began my journey toward more self-discovery. 

By the way, my answer to the question?  No.  In fact, it made me realize that I could never love anyone in a deep relationship until I was able to love myself.  AND that too, contributed to the downfall of my marriage.  The truth is, I was not marriage material at the time I got married.  I did not love my husband the way a wife is supposed to love her spouse.  There were other contributing factors but this was definitely a huge one.  And so, I take responsibility for that painful truth. 

I also learned that we cannot change the way others feel about a situation; nor should we try.  Everyone is allowed their own opinions and feelings.  I've always wanted to have others agree with me.  Why?  I have no idea.   The truth, as I now see it, we can co-exist with differing opinions.  Perhaps I just like to have that storybook ending where we are all on the same page and it says, "The End."  I'll have to take it up with my counselor (or Walt Disney).    Bottom line, we can agree to disagree -- the end. 

Another newsflash?  Not everyone has to like me!  Yes, the people pleaser in me is dissipating.   Early in the dating game, I struggled with others not liking how I looked or even my personality.  That was hard.  How can someone not like me?  I'm a decent person; even willing to go that extra mile.  Yet, there are folks that are looking for someone different...not me!  Guess what?  I am still an okay person in spite of it!  Yes, at the end of the day, if someone doesn't like me for how I look or act?  I'd rather know early on than try to fit a square peg into a round hole.  And it is not a reflection of who I am; rather, it is just a different preference. 

So, here I am -- nearly 2 years post-divorce -- and making really great strides.  It has taken time, effort and yes, some money invested in myself.  But I believe it has been well worth it.  For those of you that are struggling with self-worth issues and coming out of a relationship, take the time to understand yourself better.  Get to know God and who He is in your life. Is He in your life?  I encourage reaching out to the One who created you.  I also advise getting a good counselor.  It may not be the first counselor you meet with, either.  I have met with a couple of different ones.  The one I am seeing now has helped me understand myself better but more importantly, learn more about relationships and what a good one looks like-- after all, it is hard to be in one if you don't even know how to define it or what your role is within it.  And even if you are dating, whoever you meet was put in your life for a reason.  It may not be marriage but rather, just one more step in your journey to finding yourself.  I have met many men who have offered incredible advice and insight into who I am on my life journey.  They are here for a reason and a season.

I encourage each of you to take an inventory of your life.  Where are you?  Where do you want to be?  If those two things are not congruent, it is time to take action and move toward the person God created you to be.  Give yourself that opportunity to grow and become the best you can be.  Here's to 2015 -- may it be your best year yet!

Note:  So my granddaughter and every other girl of 2014, loved this song...I decided to really listen to it one day - and said, "Thank you , Disney for finally creating a world of princesses who didn't wait for their prince to complete them!"  For those who grew up in the 1960's and earlier -- you'll understand what I'm saying!

"Let it Go" by Idina Menzel
http://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU