I've been asked by individuals the most ludicrous questions about my past; individuals who I barely know, let alone wish to account for my action or inaction to a situation. I always try to be forthright with people, yet it seems to come with a price that I pay. And so, I want to talk about that subject today because frankly, these questions are never easy to answer.
Admittedly, I was not the best candidate for marriage nor was my spouse. It was not a match made in heaven from the start. However, I have been asked things such as, why did you have four kids with your husband if you had such a crappy marriage? Um, because I wanted four kids? Because I loved how our genes melded together to create such beautiful children? Because I had a couple of good years in there and hoped things would turn out okay? Because I gave up hope of getting out and just tried to survive -- and my children made me happy!
I went through a date rape in college. Question-- why didn't you file a police report? Answer -- choose any or all -- Fear, intimidation -- I was at the man's apartment. He had driven me there. We were on a date and this was totally unexpected because I trusted him. I could not get up and walk away when I was 10 miles from my apartment. I was shaking and in shock. The only phone was his. This was pre-cell phone days. And so, I sat there and did nothing. It was the only thing I could do at the time. Afterwards? He convinced me it was not really a rape. I wanted to believe that something so terrible could not happen to me and so I believed him. I WANTED to believe him...that somehow I was mistaken. And so, it went unreported.
People are amazed that I fail to realize how much sexuality plays into a man's existence. It is what drove David -- who was incredibly close to God -- to not just have sex with another man's wife but be willing to kill to make it happen! And yet, I never "got it". And so I hear -- how can you not know this? Let's see...I could make up a million answers but the truth is, I was incredibly naïve all my life. Never dated until college. Never understood men (and I'm not really sure I even do now). I've been propositioned more in the last year than I was in the first 54 years of my life! I am just now starting to understand.
Last question, how were you able to let a man take all of your money? You're smart, you have a good career, a master's degree...! That's an easy one...I trusted someone who was not trustworthy. I falsely assumed that no one could put on a front for over 30 years to get what they wanted out of someone. Women do it all the time to men (from what I hearing), so why not men? I was -- at the very least--incredibly gullible!
As I write this, I am shaking. Why? Because, I am answering questions I prefer not to answer. Yet, I am asked them all the time by near-strangers. In today's internet world, where saying and/or doing things are not off-limits, people want to know. I suppose, by virtue of putting my blog "out there" and my personal life on display for all to see, I have invited this unwanted intrusion. And so today, I am writing about it for all to see; in order to stop having to answer the questions that so many want to ask. Instead of having to answer, I can now say "Go read my blog called The Past'."
I hope for those of you who asked or wondered, your curiosity is now satiated. My past is simply that -- my past. I prefer to look toward the future and the hope that it brings. I believe my future is bright. I have God, my family and a career that brings much joy to my life. I am thankful for everything I've been through because it has made me the person I am today. I am strong, confident and a new person in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new." (CEV) I believe this. It is God's reassurance that we are justified by faith.
Most of all, I am not unlovable by virtue of my past. Whereas most people try to hide their past, I prefer to own up to mine. I know, that when the time comes, I will find someone who can look beyond it and move forward with me in this journey we call life. In the meantime, I am taking those tentative first steps alone. It is hard, takes courage but with God, it is completely possible. "Jesus looked straight at them and said, 'There are some things that people cannot do, but God can do anything.'" (CEV)
In the end, our past does not define our future. Rather, it is a starting point by which to measure our growth. I have spent the last two years trying to find myself. In doing so, I have I have gone from rock bottom to learning who I am and what I am capable of becoming. I am learning new things daily. My past cannot be changed, erased or edited. It can only be accepted; by myself and those around me.
This song pretty much sums it up!
"This Year" by JJ Heller
http://youtu.be/OAsouPV8F-g
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