Into the Light

I got the call January 10, 1989 -- my wedding anniversary.  It was my mom.  "He did it...the son-of-a-bitch did it!"  "Mom, what are you talking about?"  "Your father -- he killed himself!"  I stopped...I couldn't process the information I was hearing.  I remember the phone conversation he and I had the night before.  His words, "This time, your mom's not here."  I didn't understand the cryptic message at the time.  I did now.  He and my mom had divorced 16 years earlier.  Neither were happy and  my father had attempted suicide several times.  Guilt...raging guilt.  Why didn't I pick up on it?  Why didn't I call 9-1-1.  I lived with that guilt for years.  My husband and I were having financial problems at that time.  Those types of issues were taboo in my family, as my dad was a physician.  We didn't discuss them or even acknowledge them.  I had prayed my father wouldn't find out that we were having financial struggles and that somehow our money issues would be resolved.  Because he had died and I had inherited money, that prayer was answered.  More guilt.  It took me years to resolve these incredible feelings of guilt and sadness.

1990 rolled around.  The invasion of Kuwait.  I was married to a Kuwaiti who wanted to make the issue national. He went on news shows and the radio.  Relatives of his who got out came to stay with us.  I had a new baby and two small daughters.  I began to have anxiety attacks -- bad ones.  So much, that they were non-stop.  I contemplated suicide myself but did not want to do that to my children.   I sought some help and was prescribed Buspar.  A non-addictive medication but it made me so sleepy I couldn't care for my kids.  I stopped taking it.  My (now ex) husband, continued his bandwagon and eventually, we received threats.  I had demanded he stop, but  to no avail.  Eventually, I told him I would leave him.  He said he would take the children to Kuwait and I would never see them again.  I was stuck.  I put on a happy face and decided to move forward. 

2012, I filed for divorce.  The children were grown, he had left the family for 4 1/2 years to pursue whatever the hell he wanted.  First, working in Iraq as a contract translator -- a job that was supposed to last a year and he stayed three.  Then, he came home and stayed (only because our oldest begged him) and promptly moved to Las Vegas.  I joined him with our two youngest children in 2009.  Throughout the next three years, he lied about our finances.  In 2012, he let it slip that he made $260,000 and I made $40,000.  That was 300,000 and yet, I was given $50.00 per week for food and our home bills went unpaid.  Something was not right.  I could take no more.  The divorce was final in 2013.

Although my lawyer got a so-called good settlement, my ex did whatever the hell he wanted.  He defaulted on student loans in my name, destroying what little credit I had left.  He paid me here and there for the spousal support I was awarded.  I went to graduate school and used gold I had purchased overseas to make ends meet until my salary was higher.  I also had suicidal ideations.  Every.single.night.  I laid in bed, knowing I had 3 months worth of Xanax in my bathroom drawer.  I could have ended it whenever I felt like it.  If I did, all the loans would go to my ex.  No more financial worries.  No more working 3 jobs to make ends meet.  It would all be over.  But then, I would think of my kids.  I would pray to God to take away these thoughts.  I was in counseling but didn't tell anyone what I was feeling as I knew I would be locked in a mental ward.  I was on an anti-depressant, but somehow, that doesn't help when you are drowning in the darkness.  I would get on my knees crying and praying that God would help me sort things out.  I could not talk with anyone about it because...well, financial situations were taboo in our household.  Eventually, I began to talk about my life...through blogs, co-workers, etc.  Somehow, it turned the darkness into light.  I eventually realized that I had a temporary problem and suicide was a permanent solution.  I met a  man who was able to help me find my way through this financial quagmire.  To this day, he is a friend.

2016 -- bankruptcy. 

2017 -- still in debt -- student loans of around 180K.  Ex leaves the country for his home in Kuwait.  Well, that's one way to get out of paying your obligations.

2019 -- I get the call.  One of my children is suffering from depression -- so much that suicidal ideations have kicked in.  I want to go to my child but they ask that I not come.  I know it is bad.  I finally got the ok and am leaving in a week; I have to get through doctor's appointments for some very real health issues.  I am struggling with the pain.  I know where my child is...a place of darkness.  Slowly, the veil is lifting but it is a fight, and will continue to be a fight.  One of courage and bravery.  I want to move back "home" but know this is their fight -- their life.  I have remarried, have a job I love and frankly, had planned to retire where I am. 

I know the pain my child is in.  I want to scoop this "baby" in my arms and say it will be alright.  The truth is, from here on out, the battle begins.  It is a slow recovery and additional stress, adds to the pain.  One thing that helps is shedding light on this darkness.

Whatever you are going through, this too will pass.  It is true.  I'm still in debt but the reality is, I will probably be in debt until I die.  I can live with that.  I don't think of all the things my ex did to me because it is incredibly painful.  I have given up forgiving him because I have given enough of myself in the process of forgiveness.  I don't think God wants us to continue to go through pain.  I have nothing left for him.  He has taken all he will, and is now powerless in my mind.  My focus is my happiness and the happiness of my family.  They are my everything.

Life is good and it can be for you too.  If you are struggling, reach out to someone -- a friend, pastor or suicide prevention hotline.  Life does not have to be painful.  It can be beautiful.  Allow yourself to see the beauty.  There IS light after the darkness.

The Lotus

  

Sometimes you wonder, "What was I thinking?"  The problem is, you weren't.  Or maybe you were thinking with something other than your brain.  Hence, you are stuck.  Or so it seems.

I married badly the first time around.  I had an inkling beforehand that I should call off  the wedding.  I didn't.  I was aghast at how my wedding night played out.  I thought, I shouldn't have done this.  And then, I let myself forget.  Until 7 years.  10 years.  And it all came back to bite me in the ass.  I hung in there for 31 years.  The lowest point was when my now ex told me that we had a superficial relationship.  His words exactly.  Four children, 30 years, and that's how you describe our relationship?

Peace out, dude.  Life on my own can't be this bad.  I was right -- to some degree.  I worked three jobs.  He paid spousal support as he saw fit, not as court ordered.  He defaulted on two student loans in my name and decided he no longer needed to pay half on our joint consolidation loans.  He then sold the business I gave him 200k to start --from my inheritance--and kept the proceeds.  Then he said, peace out and left the country.

Last week, I received a summons on the defaulted student loans.  Some would say, "Well, it's your fault for not paying the creditors."  Well, let's see.  I'm a teacher who has not had a raise in 5 years.  I also cannot continue to work 3 jobs at the age of 59.  Emotionally, I am maxed out.  The reason I took so many loans for my degree is this clown kept saying, "Take the max, take the max."  He was not working for much of the time and we had four kids.  I worked during school but it was for $10/hour.  He worked at a hospital for a period for the same.  Truthfully, I was at a place in my life where I could mentally process little.  I woke up too late.

I should have used my inheritance to pay off the loans and our house.  Instead, he wheeled and dealed as he always did and convinced me that he could run a profitable business.  For us...for our retirement.   He knew what to say.  He had done it for nearly 30 years.

I have spent the week-end crying.  Crying because I am still cleaning up the mess of a marriage and financial shit he left me with for the last six years.  It's not enough I declared bankruptcy or have worked my ass off.  It's not enough I continue to work my ass off.  He is a U.S. citizen in another world (another perk of our marriage for him) without a care and I continue to work to stay afloat.  

I have since remarried a man who did not see me as a financial liability.  He looked beyond that.  A 50-something with around 200K in debt is not your typical "trophy" wife.  I was not looking for marriage, as I did not want him to get caught up in this financial quagmire.  But he knew what he wanted and pursued me.  Yesterday, as we celebrated Mother's Day and I had tears in my eyes, he said, "I love you.  We'll get through this."  

And so, divorce is not easy.  Life is not easy.  I am resolved to clean up this financial mess.  I have a book I have written.  I will polish it up this summer and get it ready for Christmas sales.  My goal is to get speaking gigs as well in addition to my "real" job.  I think I can help those that are hopeless.  I have been there.

From the mud, blooms the lotus.  So do I.