"I Do"

May 20, 2018.  A beautiful, sunny day.  We did it.  We had the wedding we planned for, but was cancelled.

After we eloped, we had decided to cancel the wedding.  Then, my husband gradually got better. Since we had already paid for the wedding, we called our venue to see if we could do a vow renewal.  They said, "Yes, of course."  And so the planning began in earnest.  Originally, a Gatsby-esque affair, it quickly just became a semi-formal affair.

The day finally came and as it turns out, all the things I worried about never came to fruition.  I fit into my dress.  My husband's suit fit.  The flowers arrived.  It was a clear, blue sky outside and not too hot...we could have pictures done in the garden area of the venue.  There was champagne in the dressing room.  I had on just enough makeup -- not too much, not too little.  We watched the Golden Knights win the game that took them to the Stanley Cup finalsfbefore the ceremony in the staff offices.  It was really laid-back.  While watching the game, the officiant heard our story of how we eloped due to my husband's illness.   He then asked if we would like a marriage ceremony instead of the vow renewal.  We both said "Yes!" simultaneously and without a hesitation.

In the preparation for the ceremony, I had spoken with the officiant a few days before.  I had wanted to play a song during the ceremony which was "When I Say I Do" by Matthew West.  Unfortunately, it is a four minute song and four minutes is an incredibly long time to stand in front of people, staring into your beloved's eyes.   Awkward!   And so, we nixed those plans.  Instead, we said we would play it for the first dance.  I really wanted the lyrics "out there" because it is so meaningful to me.

Then, Saturday afternoon, the day before the wedding, the DJ called -- what did we want for our first dance.  "The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra," came out of my husband's mouth.  Hmmmm, not exactly what I wanted or imagined but it is a great song and he does so love Frank Sinatra.  "Okay, let's do it.", I said to the DJ.  My husband had little to do with the plans of this party other than the first dance and having pigs in the blanket -- it is, after all, marriage #4 for him, and as he said, "I've been through this enough times...just do what you want."  Except that first dance.  Fair enough.

So, what's a woman to do, who wants the world to know how she feels about marriage and her life with this wonderful man?  She writes a blog...and add links.  So, here you go...enjoy.  Thank you, Matthew West for writing such beautiful lyrics.  They describe marriage perfectly.

https://genius.com/Matthew-west-when-i-say-i-do-lyrics

https://youtu.be/J87IEnoRByE

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.    Proverbs 3:5-6


And so, summer has begun.  It was a year, not unlike any other as far as school goes.  I spent much of my year wondering, is this where I need to be?  I am in a Title 1 school and a lot of our students come from impoverished families, single parent homes, homelessness -- you name it, we have it.  We are a very diverse school, which is one of the reasons I love it so much.  This whole idea of a "white bread" sort of society just is not something I embrace...instead of squelching diversity, let's celebrate it.  But there is one thing that has plagued me for 11 years now...11 long, whole years...and that is, that God told me (quite literally) that I would go into ministry.  And frankly, I am bothered by that...I mean, what if I am missing the plan God intended for me?  What if I'm supposed to be a vocational pastor, or a children's minister or some other type of minister...what we normally think of when we hear the word minister.  What if I am wrong?  What if teaching is not what He meant?

And so, another year, came and went with my overthinking everything.  In fact, while overthinking, I actually came up with a beautiful plan to change the system -- overhaul the educational flaws that I see.  So, I applied to and was accepted into grad school for educational leadership. And it fell into place beautifully.  Within days...much like my applying for college in teaching did.  And then, I got scared.  I looked over the books, became filled with self-doubt and wondered once again...is this where God wants me?  In short, I freaked out and took a pass for the spring semester.

I continued along throughout the school year and found that if I just quit overthinking God's plans for me,  things went much easier.  If I laughed more and worried less, life became better.  Yes, there are moments when I get completely devastated by the educational system we are in and when I see our students refuse to turn in work in a timely manner or skip class.  Yet, at the end of the day, an 80% + passing rate is not bad.  This includes over 200 students, a good third who have Individual Education Plans (special needs) and another roughly 5% ELL students who walk in the door speaking zero English.  It is those who refuse to come to class or turn in their work who actually fail.  And it saddens me that they have a free education and choose to do other things.  In ten years, Snapchat will be gone but where will they be?

And so, after taking some time, I have decided to move forward with the Master's degree in Educational Leadership.  I don't know whether or not I will actually have the opportunity to work as a dean, assistant principal or principal but I do know, that I am feeling that tug in my gut.  That perhaps this is the plan God has for my life.  Maybe I can be instrumental in changing the system.  Perhaps as I work through that school law class, I will have an epiphany as to what I can or cannot do to help the students who just don't recognize the value of education.  With Him, nothing is impossible.

Perhaps...again, I'm overthinking.  I dream.  I hope.  I pray.  I embrace God's plans for me.

Happy Mother's Day

2018.  How things have changed since I was a child.  Internet, cell phones, and living somewhere I couldn't even conceive of as a child.  But what's changed most of all, is Mother's Day.

Growing up, we made breakfast in bed for my mom.  I'm not sure whether or not it was particularly good, but she seemed to like it.  We brought home a flower from Temple  Israel- usually a single marigold in a plain pot.  And we gave her small presents that either we made or bought.  Some drugstore cologne -- Jean Nate and Emeraude were our favorites for gifting.

Fast forward to the days of our marriages.  We celebrated Mother's Day with my mom at her condominium.  We gave her more elaborate gifts and she was surrounded by her children and grandchildren.  It was a different time but definitely filled with lots of love.  We had dinner together and enjoyed time as a family.

In 2007, life changed forever.  My mom passed away.  Our matriarch was gone.  She was the glue that held everyone together.  When she passed away, things changed even more.  In 2009, our second daughter got married and stayed in Texas.  I moved to Las Vegas with our two youngest children to join my then-husband.  Mother's Days were never quite the same.

Eleven years later, I celebrated Mother's Day with my youngest daughter and husband.  We had a fabulous dinner out last night.  Although we live in Las Vegas, my forgetting that Mother's Day was on the 13th, prompted me to make reservations for the night before--places that took reservations were booked until 8:30 PM.  And no, I refused to wait in a line for brunch.  Apparently, I wasn't the only one who flaked...many mothers were at dinner last night with their kids.

  My daughter is coming over today and my husband and I are going swimming.  It is a far cry from the large family gatherings we once knew.  It is a different kind of Mother's Day.  Gentle and warm, yet missing the other members of the family -- my three other children and my sister and her family.  I feel an emptiness in my soul.

Although last night was a wonderful evening, I miss my children and grandchildren.  My mom used to frequently say, "I wish my kids were little again."  I totally "get it" now.  Although we all love each other deeply, the distance make my heart just a little heavier today. 

Yet, I know I am loved -- just as they know they are loved.  We are a family and would be at each other's side in a heartbeat, if the need ever arose.  For now, I sit on my patio, enjoying coffee with my husband.  It is a beautiful day and my heart is filled with gratitude.  Grateful for my children and grandchildren.  Grateful for my husband.  Grateful for a beautiful day.  But most of all, grateful to God for allowing me to see the blessings in my life.

Happy Mother's Day!