The other day, I received a comment on a blog I had written. It was someone who was coping with a loss of a family member. They asked me how to make sense of it. It is hard. How can I answer that? I could distinctly "feel" from their words, that they were broken.
For me, going through a divorce was the source of my brokenness. It was the culmination of a life that I thought was an "epic" fail. It is hard to admit but I had suicidal ideations. I had a bottle of prescription pills that I knew would easily put an end to this mess known as "my life". It wasn't just the "shame" of being divorced but of being financially devastated. That just didn't happen in my family. Having no money was huge in my mind; my background was upper middle class and I had now joined the ranks of the working poor.
I thought about it frequently. Everyday was a struggle. Financially, I could barely make ends meet. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work, putting on a happy "teacher" face...I felt like I was walking through neck-deep sludge. And I did it day after day after day...for nearly a year and a half. I did not feel normal. I was happy to be out of my marriage but my life was broken. My dreams were broken. More importantly, I was broken. I prayed. I prayed for God to take away the pain I was feeling. I had never gone through such a loss and it hurt badly. Being with someone for 34 years and they were suddenly out of my life. It was scary. I knew the divorce was necessary for my survival and yet, I was terrified. I wasn't sure I would survive. I had to suddenly depend on me; and I had never, ever had to do that. I didn't know if I could make it financially. Could I live without a man in my life? What if I never met someone again -- or ever had sex again? Yes, these are all crazy (and probably, quite normal) thoughts and yet, they were playing in my head. I didn't know if I would ever feel normal again. I was -- in every sense -- broken. A shell of my former self; as little as I had left remaining. Certainly, I had no idea of who I would become or how I would get there.
So, what does one do when going through a period of immense loss? For me, the one thing that kept me grounded was my family. As a suicide survivor, I know the devastation of losing a family member to suicide. I kept pulling that memory from the recesses of my mind. Did I want my own children to go through survivor's guilt? Leaving them wonder for years why I did it? Did I want my grandchildren to grow up without Grandma Lisa? They are so little, they wouldn't even remember me. A somewhat selfish motive but at least it kept me alive. More importantly, in my mind, suicide was a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. I didn't have the answers for how to get back on my feet but I knew that there were some. Despite my financial and emotional devastation, I used every resource I had to get through that period of loss.
I counseled with both my pastor and a professional counselor. I saw my physician who prescribed an anti-depressant. I reached out to friends who had been through divorce. I attended DivorceCare. I kept busy with work and volunteering. Somehow, helping others seemed to take my mind off myself. I was on the Stephen Ministry and prayer teams at my church. Praying for others and seeing the immense problems that others faced, made me realize that a divorce is not the end of the world. Being broke is not the end of the world. What is the end of the world is when you are dead. There is no turning back. My mother used to say, "dead is dead." She was right.
There is no one-size-fits-all for grieving a loss. There is no sure-fire way to get over being broken. For myself, turning things over to God helped. Prayer, attending church, listening to Christian music and going to Bible studies were the mainstay of my life. Meeting up with Christian friends was my lifeline.
Eventually, things slowly got better. A year after the divorce, a friend of mine came for a visit. We spent the week-end commiserating about both our divorces as well as laughing. The truth is, for me, that was the turning point. Having a good laugh with an incredibly close friend was what I needed to feel normal again. The thoughts of suicide disappeared. I walked into work that following Monday and I was walking normally -- no more sludge. The darkness I was feeling had lifted.
I no longer have thoughts of suicide. I have had short-lived romances. The sadness I feel over getting to know someone and then having to move on is not nearly as devastating as the loss of my marriage. Even at that, I spent a lifetime with someone and the sadness I felt eventually went away. For some, the grief is short-lived. For others, it takes time. As for myself, I have never looked back since my divorce. I knew it was the right thing then, and I still believe it now. I did not expect the loss to be so immense. Yet, it was survivable.
Keep in mind, God uses our brokenness so that we may shine.
Isaiah 48:10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. (NIV)
Daniel 12:10 Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand.
Zechariah 13:9 This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.
To those going through a loss -- whatever it is -- I can only say, be patient. Time is the great healer. I also suggest turning to our Great Healer. He knows what we are going through. Some great Bible verses that can offer assurance are:
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (ESV)
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (ESV)
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (ESV)
Matthew 5:3-4 Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (ESV)
I hope this helps you understand that you are not alone in your brokenness. That God is there. That he will send others to join you in your journey and help you through your pain. And that all things, I believe, bring glory to God. Even the bad things.
In closing, this song got me through the tough times...may it bless you as well!
Stronger by Mandisa
http://youtu.be/emgv-VRtMEU
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