TRANSitional

trans·gen·der

transˈjendər,tranzˈjendər/

adjective

1. denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender.

My son is no longer mine.  She is an adult.  She is female.  She is transgender.

How do I write a thoughtful blog about this?   I asked her if it was okay and she said yes.  After all, she is posting publicly on Facebook.  Some days it is not easy.  I see posts that rattle me and I have to stay off for a few days.  Some days, I cry; not because I am not supportive but because I remember her as a little boy and I wonder how this happened?  What will happen?  Will she get the surgery she needs to make her feel whole? So many unanswered questions.

First things first...She says she knew she was transgender in middle school.  That would make sense.  Her grades dropped from A's and B's to D's and F's.  Highly unusual for such a bright child.  I couldn't understand it.  I was convinced it was a learning disability.  As it turns out, it was most likely confusion and depression.

In high school, she shared with me that she was gay.  That was hard, and I was not supportive.  At the time, I took a hard-lined Biblical approach.  Bad idea...want to turn your child off God forever?  Talk to them about how God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.  Yet, the lines of communication remained open.  When she was 17, she shared with me she was transgender.  That was nearly 10 years ago.

Now, first off, I want to say, transgender did not have the play that it does today.  There was very little known about it -- at least, that I could understand.  I took her to counseling -- a Christian counselor.  In retrospect, not a great idea.  I believe reparative therapy was probably looming on the horizon.  A few weeks in, she said she no longer wanted to go...my gut told me to let things lie.  I am glad I did not force the issue as I believe that it would have been damaging.

In college, she flunked out of school.  She did not work nor did she take classes.  She literally sat on our couch, watched TV and got high.  Self-medication.  Although she sported a heavy beard, I knew there was something going on...and I was right.  Depression.  Suicidal ideation.  She went out with "stoners".  There were several "bad" years.  I offered to pay for therapy but she refused.

Finally, last year, I told her it was time to move out.  She went back to school and got her own place.  It is then she began therapy.  I'm told she has some sort of gender dysphoria.  I'm not sure if that's the correct terminology but she is legitimately transgender.  She has lived as a female for a year.  She is now taking hormones to begin the transition to align the outer to match the inner.

So, why do I write about this?  I hear so many things on the Internet...specifically on Facebook.  Things, I would never EVER say to someone.  This child of mine is not just a child of mine but a child of God.  This is a person who is an amazing person.  Since her journey began, she has been taking classes and doing well in school as well as working and staying physically fit.  Gone are the days of a scruffy, unkempt look but rather, she is neatly groomed.  Truth be told, her body is more female than male and this was before hormones.  She is slight of stature and clothes from the junior department fit her just fine; great, in fact!  Most importantly, she is drug-free and happy!  Yes, I see her smile that beautiful, carefree smile of hers and it makes my heart soar.

As a mother, I go through days where I am in awe of this journey she is going through.  This is no small task.  I am thankful she knows who she is and knew before she did something like get married and have kids, as so many do.  There are also days that I am scared for her.  We do not live in a nice world.  People are cruel -- hateful -- and this is my child.   I always knew that she was special but just didn't understand.  As a baby, she was absolutely beautiful; and frankly, I found myself often pulling his hair up into a pony tail because he had a feminine look and reminded me so much of his older sisters.

So, for those who hate just because someone looks different -- remember.  They are someone's family.  They are loved by God.  God made them and truth be told, if everyone walked around without skin,  gender would be a non-issue.  My prayer for her is that she can truly find the peace she deserves.  That one day, she will be whole; that the person who she sees in the mirror will be a reflection of her inner self.  Something so very simple and yet, incredibly complicated.