Dear God,For days I have been feeling a stirring in my heart. I realize I don't spend enough time with You. I have been busy and distracted. I have been trying to make a new life for myself but in the process of doing so, I have failed You in so many ways.
I'm beginning to wonder if it is possible to "have it all?" Don't get me wrong -- I love going out with friends and having fun. Yet, when I do, it seems I have to give up something. Lately, it's been You -- and that makes me feel incredibly sad.
I have a longing to be nearer to You...perhaps because I consider you to be my Father -- you are the One who loves me unconditionally; in ways the men in my life haven't. As I seek "true love", I realize I already have it with you. Yet, I am decidedly lonely. As real as you are, I don't see you. I don't feel your touch....your touch comes in the breeze that blows. Your arms are the arms of others who carry us when we are too weak to carry ourselves. Your Spirit is present in my life and yet, I feel a heaviness in my heart. Where is this heaviness from? You? Me?
What path would You have me follow? Where are You leading me? For I know Your plans are far greater than I could even imagine. I'm scared to think -- what is it You want from me? What is Your will? The questions haunt me and yet, they are necessary.
Today in church, I realized that I am seeking self-worth from places other than You or even, myself. A remnant of my past. It's difficult to admit but I do not feel worthy of being loved the way I deserve to be loved. Will I feel that ever? Will I ever be happy with myself? I ask You because only You know the answers.
A friend gave me a beautiful analogy today. He asked me, "What happens when you chase a butterfly and try to catch it?" My analogy would be closer to this; "Ever have a bird that keeps flying into a window?" Although they are basically the same, I prefer his to mine. It puts me in a quiet place -- a lovely place. Love seems so easy for others but not for those of us that have been scarred over the years. Today's buzzword? Baggage; It is a word I am beginning to loathe. It implies a huge burden; heavy and hard to carry. And yes, I have loads of it. But you gave it to me -- so what am I supposed to do with it? It's too big for me to carry. I'm trying to get rid of it but it almost seems impossible. I am in counseling, God. A place of safety and refuge. How I wish I didn't need it and yet, I know it is imperative to heal and become all that I know I can be -- to learn that I don't need the approval or love of others for me to be happy.
It is hard to write this letter today. It comes after much self-reflection. It is part of the journey You have placed me on. I am grateful for the self-realization, no matter how painful it is to face it. I am thankful to know that one day I will be whole. You are, after all, the Great Physician. Your healing is real and I believe in it with all my heart. I am blessed with the amazing people you've placed in my path. It is Your way of reaching out to me. Despite all my ups and downs, it is for that and so much more, that I am ever grateful.
Yours forever,
Lisa
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