Suicide

The past few months, we have seen headlines about celebrities taking their own lives.  Yesterday, I was reminded of my own father's suicide.  I felt it when talking with a student.

I had a sense (call me an empath) that something was going on with this student.  Answers to my questions rang in my head to memories of my own dad's suicide.  Yesterday, she told me she was moving and going to a new school.  She handed me paperwork for her IEP which was signed.  I asked her, "What about your IEP?"  She told me, "They'll do it at the new school".   I gave her a hug and said I hoped she'd feel better (as I had heard rumors things were not good with her).   I took the paperwork she handed me.  The bell had rung and so, I had to get to my class.  

Her answers didn't sound right to me and bothered me during that class.  Why give me the paperwork?  About halfway through class, I checked them.  They were signed by the parents saying they would attend the mid-October meeting.  It didn't add up.  Much like my dad's words did the night he took his own life.

I wrote my supervisor who told me she was in attendance.  I paid a trip to the counselor.  I showed him the paperwork.  He said he would talk to her.  I watched attendance all day and she remained in school.  Monday she is supposed to be in my class.  I hope that she is.

You see, when you have lived through someone taking their own life, you become hyper-vigilant to those around you.  Myself, I had suicidal ideations after my divorce because of my debt.  I had an old prescription of Xanax with maybe 100+ pills in it.  Every night, I wrestled with myself. Yet,  I couldn't  bring myself to throw those pills away, nor could I tell anyone as I knew I would be hospitalized and I needed to work to keep a roof over my head and my boys' heads.

I know what darkness and despair feels like.  And yet, despite my sorrow and guilt I felt after my dad's suicide, it is probably what kept me alive.  After his death, there were a million unanswered questions.  I didn't want my own children to go through that.  Eventually, I threw the pills away but it was more than a year later.

And so, if you have any questions about why someone is saying something...talk with them.  You never know what they are thinking.  And if they have wrestled with suicide and are suddenly happy, don't think their depression is over.  It may just mean they have made the decision to do it.

I write this piece for all the teachers who say, "It's none of my business."  I write it for those who have contemplated it.  I write it for those who may contemplate it.  Most of all, I write it for those who have gone through it with a friend or relative.  It is probably one of the hardest things to heal from -- yet, our experiences can be used to help others find their way.  If you suspect someone may be having suicidal ideations, get them help.  You may be their only lifeline.