Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Many times in our life we face challenges. I was thinking about trust the other day, and how on so many levels that people can shatter our trust. With social media today, it is quite possible to have several personas out there. One minute you can be someone, working a day-to-day job with one group of friends, while on another page, you could be retired and living in some completely different place with a whole different group of friends. You can "follow" whoever you want and although it all seems innocent enough, you have to wonder -- is it?
I participate in several social media outlets -- Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn. I've also used online dating websites. It's really hard to trust individuals once your trust has been taken away. You have to give a person the benefit of the doubt. You have to rely that they are being truthful and frankly, in this day and age, I'm not sure there are many people left like that in the world. I apologize if I sound cynical, but I have been one of those people whose trust has been shattered and have been left to pick up the pieces.
A friend of mine told me today that anyone can say anything; true. People do say any- and everything. Yet, I still trust. I want to believe in people and hope they would be as truthful as I am. I don't know if that is fortunate or unfortunate. In my case, I would hope that is fortunate but I have to wonder; is it really? As I face the world of suitors and potential suitors, I find myself screening everything they say and do. That is, in my opinion, unfortunate. I find myself questioning everything they say. I think I hurt someone really badly the other day because I questioned a behavior I saw them display. And yet, it was for my protection. "Guard your heart..." Proverbs 4:23 The thing is, this was a very nice person, spiritually in a great place and yet, I can't trust...not yet. My friends tell me I'm still gullible and naïve. Are they right? Yes. I know they are. Currently, I stink at relationships and that's because I ask myself hard questions. I overthink what I see. I respond in a way that does not mirror my Christian values; I believe I overreact. I find myself questioning if I want to be that hard and that cynical of others. I'm definitely not perfect, but I try to live my life to the highest standards that I can and that means not lying or portraying myself as someone I'm not. I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. But the world does not operate that way. I know it, and it makes me sad that I have to go to such lengths -- be who I am not -- in order to protect myself.
I see a counselor. I wonder, can he change me? Is this something that can be fixed? Do I want to fix it? I suppose I need to and yet, it is hard. I don't want to be gullible and naïve but I don't want to question people I meet on every level. It is, hard to "be on your toes" all the time. It is emotionally draining. I look and listen as if there is a sieve in my brain that is sorting out the good from the perceived bad. Surely, there is a place in between. Perhaps it's just the fact that I have not dated much in my life or that I have not been divorced long enough. I'm not sure which but I'm sure, both play a factor in my trust issues.
As I continue to date, I find more and more, that perhaps I'm not ready to be with someone. I don't want to ask the hard questions. I don't want to make the observations. I don't really want to listen to my gut. I just want to "be". I want to be in the moment, be with the person and enjoy their company. I want to be able to just relax and forget about my past. It is a difficult task. I can do it but then it takes me right back to where I started; naïve and gullible.
So, for the time, I am being still and listening to God. I am waiting on Him to tell me who is the right man for me. I am trying to be patient but when you are alone it is, at times, painful to be in that place of quiet and solitude. Sometimes it is too quiet. Now, I guess the question becomes -- is that really so bad?
Today I was in church. I felt incredible peace. It was beyond amazing. My cares were gone. I felt healed and whole. For a few minutes, I felt like the person I want to be. So, what's the secret? Was it the sermon? Was it the music? Was it the scripture? A combination of all of it? I think, pure and simply, it was this; I felt God's presence. He was there with me. I felt Him throughout the sanctuary but more importantly, in my heart. As a friend prayed with me, I felt that peace that surpasses all understanding. I left, with a renewed spirit.
As for the trust issues? One day they will be gone. God may or may' not place a man in my life. It's not really for me to concern myself with right now. I do know that God needs to place someone very special in my life; one who understands that He is first in my life. That my writing is important and if it leads to other things, then I need to run with it. It may be something that pulls me physically away from my significant other. That will take someone very special and who likewise, puts God first. I need to focus, not just on me but on the world around me; those in need of prayer and encouragement. That is what I need for now. It is not about me; it is about Him. I need to trust but for now, I'm placing my trust in the Lord.
Link to Stephen Curtis Chapman singing "Be Still and Know" May it put you in a place of quiet and peace, forgiving all others including yourself.
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