"The devil made me do it." How many times have we explained away our behavior by using that age-old line? Or the image of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, whispering into our ears. The truth is, there is a spiritual world out there and we are constantly at war with it. My understanding is that a spiritual stronghold prevents you from having authentic encounters with God.
My personal stronghold? It's approval. I suppose many people enjoy hearing someone complement them. What's the difference between that and a stronghold? In my case, I take it to the -nth degree. It would explain why the dating websites are such an incredible draw to me. You see, years of emotional abuse have taken their toll. That's my "baggage" as they say in the dating world. My view of myself has always been skewed. It is not realistic. I am far more than who I have, in the past, believed that I was. I can rationally look at the fact that seeking approval is a stronghold in my life but will react on an emotional level. I will continue to seek out approval. Therein lies the problem.
Hearing a complement to me is more than a confidence booster. It is almost Pavlovian in nature. So, when I joined the world of online dating, quite innocently enough, I did not realize that it could take such a bizarre turn. That wanting to meet a man and enjoy something as innocent as a cup of coffee and conversation would suddenly became more than a distraction; the truth is, it became an obsession. But the obsessive quality of it is not, in and of itself, the only thing that makes it a stronghold. It is the fact is I was seeking approval from other than God. I've written about getting off of the websites, which I did. And I was sincere in my doing so. But also, within a day or two, I also would get back on them. I realized that this actually was becoming a real problem.
Many people have strongholds. It can be adultery, drinking, eating, pornography, making money -- almost anything can become a stronghold. It is something that is rooted in the mind that takes our focus off God. But who ultimately controls our thoughts? I often used to tell my kids when they had negative thoughts or looked at undesirable things on the Internet; garbage in, garbage out. However, there is good news. If you change your thoughts, you can get rid of the strongholds.
Last night was sort of the breaking point for me. I realized that 1) I am truly not cut out for the world of Internet dating and 2) this need for approval was getting the better of me. And so, despite what I paid to join these websites and still have several months on them, I closed all the accounts. I continued to get e-mails to say this person or that person had written to me but decided that it was really and truly time to cut those ties. I needed to face this demon; and it was in fact, spiritual in nature. Do you know how I knew? Because last night was the be-all, end-all of spiritual battles. I had the craziest of crazy men contacting me. I was propositioned within one minute of talking to one man, I was accused of having anger issues from another, I was told I was judgmental by another, I had one chase me down all day and then finally deem he wanted to ask me one question, which was whether or not I had children at home. I was completely overwhelmed by not just the individuals, but by the issues that were facing me. This was more than your ordinary drama. This truly was God saying, "Is this what you want? Are these the men you want in your life?"
The truth is, no. I know I am worth more than a one night stand. I do not have anger issues, nor do I judge people. I don't think mulling over whether I wish to talk with someone who is an admitted felon is something that could be perceived as judgmental. The fact that I was mulling it over in my mind, means that I am not judgmental. Most people would spin on their heels and run the other way without even a thought. Why is my having children at home even relevant to who a person is? I love my kids and they are welcome in my home anytime. I have, over the past few months, been told I'm an over-thinker, looked at like I have three heads when I did not meet the physical expectations of my suitor, and asked over and over to go to bed by men who professed to be Christians. At the time I signed on to Internet dating, I had been told by my Christian counselor that something like (don't quote me) 70% of people today meet their mates online. I'd like to see the statistics on divorce in about 20 years.
It has taken me more than a year and a half to realize my self-worth. It has taken me 7 months to realize that there really isn't a prince charming out there -- thanks, Mr. Disney for the fairy tales because, they too helped shape my perception of marriage! The truth is, divorce is painful. It is hard. And it is something that I don't wish to ever repeat. Next time I walk down the aisle will be with a man who recognizes my self-worth. Who loves me even more than I love myself; as Christ loves the church. A man who can live with all the peccadillos that I have. I know my worth -- and I'm worth a lot more than anything I could find on the Internet.
So, how do we break these crazy strongholds? Remember my "garbage in, garbage out" phrase I used to tell my kids? Well, it is true. Reading the Bible and Christian books, for me, is paramount to overcoming my issues. There are many great Christian movies out there, as well as songs. I am focusing on my ministry -- this blog, for one. I am also working on plans for my future; with God's help and discernment from the Holy Spirit. I also fellowship with my Christian friends and meet with an accountability group once a week to talk about times of closeness to God as well as areas we feel we need to improve on. I pray and have others praying for me and with me.
It was hard to write this blog because it is facing up to a hard truth about myself. Despite being strong in my faith and loving God with all my heart, I still have human frailties. As such, I have issues that I continually face; maybe none too different from your own. However, I write all my blogs with the hope that they will help someone else face their demons. Most importantly, that they will offer encouragement and hope. It is these two things that help us get through the day-to-day and bring us even closer to God. As for that Scripture passage at the top of the page? I love it! It is a reminder that everything we do impacts our relationship with our Creator. May the words of all our mouths and the meditations of all our hearts be pleasing to Him.
Link to "What Scars are For" by Mandisa
No comments:
Post a Comment