Yesterday, a Twitter acquaintance reminded me of an experience I had many years ago. It is called "The Dark Night of the Soul". Sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo but really, it is a force to be reckoned with. I was living in Kuwait at the time and in a state of utter confusion about my faith. Living in an Islamic society will do that to a Christian. It is a constant spiritual battle.
So what precipitated this? I asked God a question. You know, never ask God something you don't want to know because He will answer you. And often times, not in a way you might expect. He is, after all, the Almighty; and His ways are not our ways.
The Dark Night of the Soul is defined as, "A term of Western mystical theology. According to the classical exposition of John of the Cross, the dark night is the stage in which the soul is purified in preparation for union with God." (Bowker, John) In theory, it sounds great. In reality, it is a very dark period and you feel a complete blackness in your soul. It is as if God has abandoned you.
At the time that I experienced it, I did not know what was happening. It was scary and lasted several years. Let me say that again...years! I am sure you are wondering, "What in the world was my question to send me into such a spiritual free fall?" I asked God for one simple thing; to show me the Truth.
I had gone to a Bible study that day, and it had taken an ugly turn. The facilitator was asking for people to confess their sins before others. To sit in the center of a circle and tell all. I personally, was not comfortable with that, and wanted to leave -- badly! So, I prayed a quick prayer asking God to get me out of there. As if on cue, my phone rang. My sister-in-law asked me to bring some bread to dinner. No problem! And, "Thank you, God!" I explained I had a "family emergency" and left.
When I got to my car, I was profoundly confused because I did not feel that what had occurred was of God. It felt very dark. I was also on the fence about Christianity versus Islam. What was the Truth? And so, I asked God to show me.
Oddly enough, He did -- at that very moment. I had a vision. All I remember is scenes from the Bible. As bizarre as it seems, I had sort of a split screen for my field of vision; the top part was the vision, while the bottom part was the world. I could drive and continue doing my day-to-day, which was difficult with this going on. I know it sounds bizarre -- even crazy. I went to Penney's in hopes of trying to feel normal. I didn't. I was scared; and yet, God was doing exactly what I prayed for -- "show me the Truth". The last thing I remember is the Last Supper. After that, there was nothing else. My question was never answered. Did Christ really die for us on the cross? At the end of this vision, I heard a voice telling me to return to the United States. Although I vacationed there that year, I was unable to stay due to my husband's insistence that I return. And so, I chose man over God; never good.
The vision was just the beginning. Once I returned to Kuwait, I felt a blackness in my soul. I knew I had disobeyed God. I experienced depression. My usual feeling of the Holy Spirit or a Light within me, was gone. Hell is often described as being cut off from God. I very much felt in a spiritual sense that I was; this was my own Hell.
Upon my actual return to the United States in 1997, I attended church regularly. I prayed constantly for God's presence to be felt. Nothing. I am here to tell you, that is the scariest and most empty feeling ever. I didn't know what I was experiencing but felt like God was mad at me or abandoning me. Had I overstepped my bounds? Was my question too much? In retrospect, I think it was the fact that I disobeyed God rather than asked God to show me the Truth. Maybe it was a combination of both. The truth is, it doesn't matter. What only matters is it happened, and I am here to testify that it does indeed exist.
I continued to seek God. The bottom line is my faith was eventually renewed. The Light within me returned -- but slowly. I know that what happened at that Bible study in Kuwait that day was not, in my opinion, a "normal" Christian experience. I also know the vision I had afterwards was God's way of saying, "You decide the Truth". Eventually, I did sort my way through it, but it was not easy and took a tremendous amount of patience. I read books on both the Christian and Islamic faith. It was a journey; one filled with obstacles and times of pure physical and mental endurance. I had to actively seek the answers. God was not going to hand it to me.
I have done some reading on the Dark Night of the Soul. It appears that it is a spiritual experience wherein one either comes out of it a stronger Christian or an atheist. Thankfully, I came out of it as a Christian. I don't know that every Christian has to go through this. I know I would never want to go through it again. There is nothing more lonely than not feeling the presence of God.
Yet, I believe God was there -- overseeing this experience from afar. He did not leave me alone other than to allow me to discover, whether or not Christ died for us on the cross. My answer? Yes, He did. And so today, I am a stronger Christian than ever before. It has taken me years to get here; it wasn't just that experience but a culmination of life experiences that have brought me here to a place of peace and joy. I feel the Holy Spirit working in me and Jesus is the cornerstone in the foundation of my life.
One of the most interesting things about this experience was that it happened in 1996. I did not know anything about the Dark Night of the Soul until I recounted this vision in 2011 to my son-in-law's father, who works in the church. As soon as he heard me describe it, he told me what I had gone through. It was reassuring to hear a rational person tell me this. I was not crazy or having a nervous breakdown or many other things that I heard told to me over the years when I recounted that day. No, I was in a spiritual battle.
I know many will read this and say, "Wow, that lady's crazy!" That's okay. I speak from the heart. I know I'm not alone and there are others who need to hear this story; Immanuel is indeed here. God is with us. And for those of you feeling cut off from God? My advice is this; surround yourself with other Christians, read the Bible and pray. This is a test of sorts; and just like all tests, you need to study for it. You will pass, but you need to take responsibility for knowing and understanding the material that is presented.
The good news is, You are clay in the Potter's hands right now. Let Him mold you -- refine you -- do what it takes to make you a better Christian. Most of all, have patience. You will get through this -- and when you do? Pay it forward by sharing your experience. God has a purpose for your life. Live it!
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