To My Ex

Dear Ex,

I am writing this as a means of learning who I am.  You were a very important person in my life.  I spent over half of it with you and so, I think you should know how I really feel about you.

We've been divorced for nearly a year and a half now.  Most women would be bitter.  I'm not.  I chose to forgive you for all that happened between us. 

I wish that you would have married me for the so-called "right" reasons.  I think you loved me as best you could, or at least, convinced yourself in some way that you loved me.  The truth is, I don't think you really loved me.  You loved yourself.  That is a hard truth to say and even harder to admit to myself.  You could not go beyond who you were or what your culture dictated in your head.  That's a dose of reality that has taken me a long time to understand.

We were young when we met.  Even in the beginning, we had a dysfunctional relationship.  How I did not see that, I don't know.  My best guess is that I strayed from God's will for my life.  I chose a man over God.  That is never a good thing.  He will always allow us free will and choice.  I made my choice and lived according to my will...a decision that would turn out very badly.   I will never do that again!

Not long into our marriage, I recognized it was not as it should be.  However, I did believe in marriage covenant, and hung in there.  Thirty one years is a long time, particularly when one realizes, there probably wasn't a covenant to begin with.  If nothing else, that taught me perseverance and tenacity.  Oh, and to study God's Word so you know exactly what something means, particularly when it has to do with Him.

You gave me some very valuable lessons.  First of all, never ever stray from God's perfect will for my life.  Pray for guidance.  Look to Him for all things including self-worth, love, peace and joy.  That is something you cannot get from another person.   Read the Bible for that is his handbook for this life.  Pray.  Forgive.  You weren't the only one to teach me about forgiveness but prayers for you were extremely difficult.  God taught me, through you, that I needed to pray anyhow -- whether I wanted to or not.  And if I really couldn't find the words, to ask others to pray for you.  For despite how our marriage ended, that was indeed God's will for my life in Christ Jesus.

I learned how to be more tolerant of others' beliefs.  You would probably say I was less tolerant but truly, quite the opposite.  I shared in your religion's holidays and wanted our children to learn as much about their father's heritage and beliefs as possible.   I also learned that it is not up to me to convert someone.  They have to come to Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit.   By the same token, I also learned that being married to a non-believer in the Christian tradition is extremely difficult.  I have found that the man has to be the spiritual leader of the household and that marriage is about giving to one another;  in the way Christ gave to the church. 

One of the more difficult things that has been hard to overcome is the years of emotional abuse and the scars of being with someone who does not tell the truth or chooses what they want above all things, including their family.  That has been my biggest challenge.  Some days, I want to understand how you could do the things you did but simply, cannot wrap my brain around it.  I can't say, "It's all good." because it's not.  I am still trying hard to not overthink things -- lack of trust will tend to make someone do that.  Sometimes, you just have to be.  Ps 46:10  Be still and know that I AM God.  Yes, one of my "go-to" verses.  Still relevant.

As the result of our marriage,  I find myself making lots of relationship mistakes and frankly, don't even know what a real relationship is.  I know that no man is perfect, that being a 50-something generally qualifies any of us to have a lot of baggage, and that no marriage is perfect, despite how it may look to others.  I know ours looked great to outsiders, as all of our friends and family were surprised at the divorce.  I do know our marriage has helped me determine what kind of man I would like in my life.  I am looking for someone who has a generous spirit and is a giver.  One who looks outside themselves and to God.  Now that is good stuff. 

I learned that being unhappy is not a perpetual state, as I believed it was; and in fact, God wants us to be happy.  After our divorce, I learned what freedom felt like for the first time in my life.  I was no longer in bondage.  It was as if the prison door had opened and I walked out into the sunshine for the first time in 31 years.  I'm sorry if that hurts.  However, think of it from my perspective;   I was never able to worship freely.  I could attend church but not take our children, even if they asked.  As time went on, I was castigated and made fun of -- God was made fun of -- your excuse?  You were joking.  I told you many times how blasphemous I felt you were.  Many would question the good in that, but that was probably practice toward my ability to speak up for my religious beliefs.  I found after the divorce that writing was a release and a gift from God.  That is something that has changed my life forever.

Lastly, I want to thank you for our four beautiful children.  Each one shares qualities from each of us.  Our marriage taught me to be grateful -- our four children have each been a joy and blessing; and now our grandchildren, as the family continues to grow beyond us.

Be well -- may you have the peace in your life that I have found.  Bless others as you have been blessed.  And always remember, God is good.


In Him,
Lisa