Yesterday it hit me hard...my kids are grown. Moving back to my hometown will not change anything. The fact is, my children have their own lives. I have done a good job as a mom. They are independent. Yet, I am sad. I don't see them often enough. Even if I lived closer, I doubt I would see them more than once a month. And so, that is my reality.
I know in my heart of hearts, they are happy and healthy. I can't ask for more than that! However, it is hard. I miss them. I miss my grandchildren. I live too far to drive a couple of hours. I am a flight away and it requires "real" planning to get there...saving money for the flight and making sure our schedules are cohesive.
It is hard to realize that I need to move forward with my own life. This is my time to enjoy. No responsibilities, save my job. That's it. I am not in school, no second jobs, no babysitting duties....life is good. Yet, there is an emptiness inside of me.
And so, I am looking for ways to keep myself busy. I am hoping for more travel, possibly a hobby or just finding a way to hang out with other women my age. I may go back to school and get an administrator's degree. The world is my oyster.
And so, although I miss my children far more than they miss me, I also realize that my role as a mother has changed. It has gone from taking care and nurturing them to being supportive in their decisions and offer advice, IF they ask. I also get the pleasure of spoiling my grandkids when I visit them. Feeling those little arms around my neck fills me with love that I can't even describe.
I continue to work to find my place in this world. I hope that I can make it a better place. Perhaps my writings will one day give my grandkids a better insight as to who I am and my belief system. This is one of the greatest times in a parent's life. It is also one of the hardest. I know I need to learn how to savor it.
No comments:
Post a Comment