Dear God,
Today in church, you came to me and the Holy Spirit convicted me to write about my contribution to the end of my marriage. For years, I never thought that I contributed anything. I did, in fact, contribute a lot.
When I look back, I see many things that led to the culmination of the end of my marriage. But the truth is, I should have never married this man. I was never vested in the relationship. I don't believe I knew it when we were dating, but I certainly knew it within the first year.
Someone has suggested that perhaps I was afraid of my husband. I believe that to be true. How else can one explain having over 30 years of anxiety attacks that disappear the day he leaves? I have to face and admit to myself that yes, I stayed because I was scared. I was scared to stay yet, I was scared to leave. Very early on in our relationship, he hurt me physically. And I believe that at 19 years of age, I was scared. I remember him telling me over and over throughout our marriage that his father was a diplomat and that he could never be arrested outside of Kuwait. Yes, he would not have gone to jail for his crime but rather, been deported. I was also scared because I was not just a victim. I had allowed things to escalate and therefore, in my mind, culpable for what happened. Guilt. As time went on, probably something similar to Stockholm Syndrome. Yes, hard to believe but that is the only way I can explain feeling let out of my "captivity" on the day I realized I did not have a covenant marriage.
The day I decided to leave, he told me that we had a superficial relationship. I remember feeling indignant. How could he say that? We had been married 31 years and had 4 children! But you know what? He was right. I had second thoughts leading up to the marriage but went through with it for fear of what my family and our friends would think or say. It's one thing to be a "pleaser" but quite another to be one to the detriment of your own self.
On our wedding night, he proved it was a terrible marriage. I was sad and disappointed. Within six months, things had changed dramatically. We were having sex once or twice a week; this in our 20's! I wanted to leave but didn't know how. I kept hoping that somehow I would be rescued. It didn't happen. I didn't realize I had to save myself!
I found happiness and joy in our children but that is so different than finding it with a mate. I had wanted our marriage to be forever but by our seventh year, I went to see my dad. I told him how unhappy I was and that I wanted to leave. He, in essence, told me to go back to my husband. He was a good man and that it would destroy the lives of our two very young children. I went home; disappointed he didn't understand and sad that I had no one in my corner. I had hoped he would be my advocate since he never liked him when we were dating. Instead, he shared with me the ills of divorce, and how he and my mother should never have gotten one. Ever the dutiful daughter and wife, I returned home.
After my father passed away, things came to a head. The Gulf War was about to break out and I had, what I believe, may have been post-partum depression. I was never diagnosed yet, I had near constant anxiety attacks. I was very much, at risk for suicide. I had contemplated it quite seriously as I knew I could not live the way I was living. However, sanity prevailed and I sought help from a therapeutic social worker, since I did not believe in taking anti-depressants at the time. I had lost a significant amount of weight and couldn't eat. I functioned for the sake of my children but there was no end in sight. I took my husband to the social worker for counseling. She diagnosed him as having a passive-aggressive personality disorder. In essence, it goes something like this:
" Honey, will you take the trash out? "
"Sure."
2 hours later
"Would you take the trash out?"
"Yeah, after this show."
2 days later
"Will you take the goddamn trash out?"
"I told you I would!"
Finally, I take the trash out.
I believe that comes from his culture. They use the expression, "Enshallah" a lot, which translates to, "If God wishes." So our conversation in his world would go like this.
" Honey, will you take the trash out? "
"Enshallah."
2 hours later
"Would you take the trash out?"
"Enshaaallah."
2 days later
"Will you take the goddamn trash out?"
"Enshaaaaallah!"
Finally, I take the trash out.
Bottom line, is I asked for a divorce at that crucial time, to which he told me he would take the kids and leave the country. Now I had a very real decision to make here. Divorce him, and I had a lot of money at that time and could have done so easily, and risk him taking our 6 year old, our 4 year old and 6 month old out of the country and never find them or stay. I decided to try and make the best of it and stay. We renewed our vows and even had pictures taken. We bought new rings (my idea) to symbolize a new beginning. It was at our 10 year anniversary that we did this. The thing is, you can take manure and throw rose petals on top and it will still smell like manure. And that, is how we lived.
Was I vested in the marriage? Absolutely not. I was apathetic, lived to get through the day, and functioned well enough to take care of our children. I was raised in an extremely negative household and was a negative person. I cursed like a truck driver. I never cheated but I was not really "in love" with this man. If someone had expressed half an interest in me, and this is a very hard thing to admit to...I would have left. I say that not because I am speculating but because I thought about that scenario many times.
As my book comes out with more details about my life, I pray that people will understand the choices I made. I have people who do know the exact circumstances I reference and still say, "Why did you marry him?" God, only you know the answer to that. Frankly I'm not really sure. I do know that I have four beautiful children. Yes, our genes melded perfectly!
It is hard to write this in a public forum because I am admitting my contribution to the demise of my marriage. It is not pretty. It is hard to face and yet, You are asking me to do this. And so I do -- out of complete obedience to you, Lord. I write it publicly in hopes that it will help others who want to leave and have no support -- or who are afraid to leave-- or who are marrying for the wrong reasons; such as saving face. Lord, let them know that they can come to you. For you have the answers, and you will guide them on the path in which You want them to go. How I wish I had opened my heart and my mind years earlier. It would have saved much pain in the long run!
God, I pray that they learn that when it comes to yourself, there is no saving face -- only saving grace. You are the only One we have to please. So Lord, I ask for your forgiveness for living a lie for so many years. I stayed married for the wrong reasons. I believed in covenant marriage and yet, in essence, this marriage was a sham; a complete farce. Lord God, forgive me for taking something so sacred and not living in a place of love and joy but rather guilt and sadness. For saying vows I really didn't mean. I ask that you move me beyond where I am today and help me to find complete healing. I cannot really love someone until I understand what love is...I know that you're love but I don't understand the love that men and women share in a marriage. I can only guess when I see the faces of people who are happily married.
I do know this; they put You first. You are the foundation in a marriage and Christ is the cornerstone. We are to love others as we love ourselves. And so Lord, I ask you to help me find the self-love that I need in order to love another. I ask that when the time comes, you put that perfect person in my life. I know I will make missteps but pray for Your guidance and wisdom. Help me to guard my heart and live as a Christian should. I believe then, and only then, can I love another in the way in which You intended.
Humbly,
Lisa
"When I Say I Do" by Matthew West
http://youtu.be/Ui_FcYlI_NU
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