Tonight I'm laying in bed and as tired as I am, I can't sleep. I am mulling thoughts around in my head. It has been a terrible week topped off by my getting a bad reaction to a flu shot; something that had never happened before. I want to cry but I know the tears will not stop once they start. It's really not the culmination of the week but more like the past few years. I have done all the right things and yet, it seems as though it doesn't matter. That is a hard reality to face.
You see, I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am today. I have come from a bad marriage and made a new life for myself. Not one without its share of difficulties mind you. I have gone through doubt, pity, hurt, financial woes, family crises, depression and a host of other feelings. As long as I've fought it, it feels like the sting of life is finally catching up with me.
I have my dreams and I still chase them. This week-end, I was not going to write. I thought to myself, "You're burnt out. Take a vacation from writing this week-end." I was going to -- really, I was. And then, I heard a song. And the song made me sad. And so, I write this as tears slip down my face.
I had to make some very hard choices over the past week; choices that were positive for myself. It was me taking charge of my life and my health. I put myself first. So, why does it hurt so much? Because it involved my child. It involved my forcing him to grow up and face his life. It also made me face the choices I made in life because he is a product, to some degree, of his environment. And so, I will have to accept responsibility for that and live with the guilt.
I have been asked by many, why did I marry his father? Why didn't I leave his father? As my story comes out next fall, I hope that people will understand. It is so easy for others to pass judgment on something they haven't lived. I'm not even sure I understand it myself. I only know that when I met my ex-husband I was a very young and naïve 19-year-old. When I divorced him, I was 53 years old. I somehow found the strength and courage to do what I should have done 25 years earlier but couldn't. I can't change that, even though I wish that somehow I could.
Today, I am facing some hard facts. First, I am left with a broken child. I am left with broken finances. I am living in a place that never quite felt like my home and where it only holds some very bad memories. I am, in the midst of this crisis, talking with my ex-husband. It is a "must-do" and yet, after I speak with him, I find myself broken once again. I am tired of working the hours that I do because he chooses (and make no mistake, it is a choice on his part) not to do the right thing.
I could go on but more importantly, I need to look at myself and try to figure out how I can make this better? There are only so many ways I can cut my budget and trust me, it is down about as low as it can go. Yet, I keep reworking it. I will make it happen. And yes, I will rebuild the savings account that had to be spent to keep the world on its axis when my ex decided he was going to take control and "rework" his payments to me. "Smile. Life is good!" I am lying to myself and I know it, but I also know you need to "fake it 'til you make it!" I am in that mode. Pure survival.
Someone on Facebook sent me a post this week to list 3 things I was grateful for. I passed the challenge to my children. None of them responded. I don't know why they didn't respond -- I hope they are just too busy or think it's a stupid post. I, for one, took the challenge for 1 of the 7 days that was required. I listed I was grateful for God, family and friends and my job. If I really sat down and thought about it my list would be much more comprehensive but those are the basics. I want to take that time for that more comprehensive list. I want to do that for two reasons. One, because I feel terrible and I know that when I look at everything I am grateful for that I will feel much better. I will see all that God has blessed me with rather than what Satan has tried to steal, which is my joy. And two, I didn't really fulfill the challenge due to my circumstances during the week. And besides, I think it was kind of a wimpy, cop-out sort of answer. A little glib. Written one morning as I was trying to get out the door for work. And so, I am going to fulfill that promise to my friend who challenged me, and to myself. I need to think about what I really and truly am grateful for tonight. It will not just fulfill that Facebook challenge which really, doesn't amount to much but it will fulfill a much deeper need inside of me; that is, to make me realize that I really and truly am blessed. Despite my circumstances, I am thankful. As a sidebar, as I write this, I am reminded of a boy I once read about; he was grateful despite his circumstances. His story touched my heart. And so, in memory of a special boy who passed away far too early, here is my list.
I am grateful for (deep breath) God, my family, friends, job (s) (which keep a roof over my head, my bills paid, and food on the table), writing, my students, my colleagues, rainbows, fall colors on the trees, swimming pools, oceans, lakes, God's country, my St. Louis family, friends and connections, my Texas family and friends, my Kuwait family and friends, my experiences in life -- good, bad or otherwise-- my ability to type 60 wpm (otherwise, these blogs would take FOREVER to write!), my sense of humor, the people God has sent to me who offer me hope and share in my journey and vision for my future, my counselor, antidepressants (thank you, Lord for those!!), healing of a broken heart, strength, courage, peace, security, God's grace and mercy, Jesus dying on the cross, the Holy Spirit that lives in me and builds me up, my prayer warriors who do battle with me and for me each and every day, my faith, my "besties" in St. Louis, Oregon, Kuwait and Ohio, those who read and (lest we forget) share my blog, my Twitter-land friends, the sound of the gentle rain on a fall day or a thunderstorm in spring, the sound of cicadas calling to their mates and signaling the end of summer, fishing, camping trips, boating, anything lake-related, 5-star hotel rooms with room service, books (real ones, not e-books -- although, those are handy for trips), ice cream (a double-edged sword since I love how it tastes but I don't wear it particularly well on my hips), exercise (another double-edged sword since I love what it does but hate to do it), a sense of style, my curves (although I could use a few less) and my curly hair (sigh, it will never be straight so I have made peace with it), a field of sunflowers, movie popcorn and a tall diet Coke (Because really? What else can you have with a 1500 calorie tub of popcorn covered in grease?), coffee (any kind, anytime!), a great glass of wine, a cold beer (preferably Bud Light), saccharin (because I have grown to love its taste and never mind that it causes cancer -- so does everything else we eat!), non-stop sunshine (in Vegas of all places!), skies that look like they were painted by God himself, airplanes (ok, that's a love-hate relationship but they get me where I'm going), a cold shower after surviving 112 degree day in Vegas and deodorant for the very same reason, air conditioning, a reliable car that gets me to work and well, you get the idea. I truly could go on about everything I am grateful for.
Well, my tears have stopped. They stopped about a paragraph ago. You see, reminding ourselves of the bad things in our lives only feeds the negative. When we think about the positive things in our lives, we realize how incredibly blessed we are. Life isn't perfect. It hasn't been since Adam and Eve. So, why should I expect my life to be perfect? Why should you expect your life to be perfect? But we can be perfectly content even in the midst of chaos. All we have to do is look heavenward and say with our hearts, "Thank you, God! You have truly blessed me and for that, I am forever grateful!"
So take a few minutes when you are in the midst of sadness and pour out your heart to God. Write to Him your love letter and let Him know how you truly feel. Reach out to Him and you will feel His presence surround you. He will give you unimaginable treasures; you just have to recognize them.
"Beautiful" by Mercy Me
No comments:
Post a Comment