Dreaming

Today, I am writing...something I haven't done in forever.  I suppose I'm inspired by my daughter writing on her own blog.  Yes, we all have that creativity that drives us to places beyond the ordinary.

You see, when trying to live out your life's dream, you strive for the extraordinary.  However, of late, I have not been able to determine what that is...Years ago, I had a vision of who I wanted to be.   I worked hard.  On my "free" time (which was not much), I wrote -- and wrote -- and wrote.  So much, that I had a book's worth.  But in this day and age of self-publishing, being broke doesn't get it done.  So, that dream sat on a much-frustrated, back burner.

Then one day, I met someone...my husband...and I found my happy place.  A place of contentment.  So much so, that people remark how happy I look.  Strange men remark how beautiful my smile is...people I know tell me how happy I look.  Just a few short years ago my co-workers were asking "What's wrong?"  on a daily basis.  There wasn't one thing wrong...I was just breathing...not living but trying to get through my day.

Happiness is not as elusive as we think it is.  For me, it was a "simple" divorce.  (to be read with sarcasm) -- no divorce is simple and I don't really want to make light of it.  I just knew the marriage was over.  I merely had the courage to hire a lawyer to draw up the paperwork, and put a period where it belonged.

The next several years were spent working my ass off.  Although not perfect, life was good.  I had a roof over my head and food on the table.  I was happy.  I had unfulfilled dreams and aspirations and spent every moment I had working toward them.

Then one day, everything came to a screeching halt.  I had met my husband.  He is a kind  and generous soul and one who makes me laugh -- a lot.  He has a caustic sense of humor, which I love.   He also channels my mother -- not occasionally, but all.the.time.  She was my best friend and one who, although different than myself, had an understanding of people and life.  It is uncanny how he will say things that she often would have said herself.  They are not of the same generation, nor was he raised in the Midwest, where many of these colloquealisms come from.  I find myself telling him (a lot), you're channelling Marlys (my mother's name).

Our relationship was not without its ups and downs.  I really was not looking for marriage...I wanted a partner to go see movies, hang out and have a coffee.  I got more than I bargained for in that department.  We see movies several times a month -- oh, and I have a ring on my finger.  On the downside, just before we were married, it was discovered that he had trauma to his frontal lobe, which handles emotions, reasoning and memory.  Many of our fights in the early years were probably driven by this.  I knew something was off but wasn't sure exactly what...I found out weeks before we were married.  We also usually argue after a day of travel.  Low blood sugar and being overly tired.  Now, when he has an outburst, I know that it is driven medically and not to be overthought on my part.  It is part of who he is...along with a seizure disorder and diabetes.  No, he is not a healthy man, which is why we spend each day living life to the fullest.  Somehow, watching your loved one in a hospital bed fighting for his life will remind you of that.

And so, although all of this may sound quite miserable, it isn't.  The happiness I feel shows on my face.  We have downsized significantly in order to pay off debt and enjoy life a little more together.  And if God forbid, anything happens to the other, no selling of a house and moving will be necessitated -- we have already taken care of that.  We enjoy our sacrosanct "date" night on Thursday evenings.  Dinner, drinks and conversation.  It is a "must-do" in our marriage.  Nothing comes between that...not even my children who know that is a priority with us.

I still feel a longing in my heart, and if I could determine what that emptiness is, I would chase it everyday of the week (except Thursdays and Sundays).  But, I tend to think that for now, those dreams are to be put on the back burner as I live out my wildest dream...a quiet life in a tiny apartment with the man I love.