"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6
These past few months have been a roller coaster ride of misspent emotions. You see, a few months ago, I felt God was calling me to step up to the plate and get a 2nd Master's degree...this time in Leadership or School Administration, as it is referred to more frequently. I knew He was calling me because I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach...familiar when He calls me to something. Also, within one week of applying, all my school transcripts arrived and everything fell into place. I was accepted.
I had planned to start last January but took the online course required to start and felt completely overwhelmed. I am not a technology guru and got scared...I started to overthink things. For instance -- What if I'm in a group of overachievers and I'm just happy to get my B? I also heard what is required to actually get into the "pool" of qualified candidates for my district. Basically, you retake your Master's degree over a semester with our school district's own program to qualify you as an administrator and you have to stay up until 9 PM on some nights. Seriously? I'm asleep by 8:30 PM just to give you a bit of perspective into my life. Yes, I'm a real fireball during the school year. And so, the overthinking began. At the end of the day, I took a pass and a leave of absence from school. (Something you definitely have the option to do with God but it doesn't bode well for our faithfulness).
OK, so come summer, I got some rest and decided, I'm up for this. I registered for classes and was ready to roll. Then, the unexpected happened. No pay raises or column moves were forthcoming. That meant, if I take on this program (and the loans), I would merely set myself back another 16K in student loans for retirement and bank on actually being hired as an administrator. My friends who had gotten into the "pool" had not gotten jobs. They were a good 10-20 years younger than me, too. To add the icing to the cake, our district went to court one last time to try and not have to pay our raises or column moves, even though in arbitration, the teachers had won. I'm not going to lie...I dropped the classes again, scared by the thought of being further in debt with 11 years until retirement. The "what-if's" played again in my mind....
Yesterday, we got confirmation that the steps and columns on our salaries would be honored. The $68 million the district had been short for so many years was determined to be a problem because they never asked for money for the increase in teachers' salaries. I HATE when that happens. And so, once again, a win for the teachers. I immediately re-registered for classes.
What's my point? The point is, I should have never gone to THAT place last year. That place of overthinking. Questioning myself but more importantly, questioning God. I DO believe in God -- I believe He has our lives mapped out for us, so we can live our lives with greater purpose and to serve Him. So if I know all this, why do I question? Why do I allow my own self-doubts to creep in? Why do I allow what I see in the world to effect my decision-making? Lord knows, when I have been left to my own devices, I have failed miserably. The only thing I can say is that it comes down to one thing...faith!
If you don't believe me, re-read this blog. Up-down-up-down-up-down...decision making or lack thereof. At the end of the day, I am back to square one. I spent a lot of emotions making that final decision when the truth was, there was no need...the decision was made six months ago.
And so, once again, lesson learned. If you are struggling with making a hard decision, take my advice. Let go and give it to God. He will give you that nudge saying, "yes, do it" or "run for the hills!" At the end, once you are at peace, you know you have His seal of approval. Let this blog serve as a reminder to all...Trust God. He has your back.
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