For instance...work is starting in two days. I am anxious about that. Should I go in and give the bulletin board a face-lift or wait until I go back to work? Will I have time at work? What all do I need to do to get ready for the school year?
School...I am going back for my Master's degree in Administration. Is that the right decision? Do I really want to go through two more years of grad school for a job I may or may not ever get? Will I get (at the very least) a raise for my efforts?
Retirement...a huge thing on my mind of late. I am 11 years from retirement, 150K in debt and looking to take on 16K more with the Master's degree and frrrrrrr-eaking out! It seems so enormous. I may have to work until I drop. Meanwhile, as I get older, my patience is waning. My students who can be incredibly disrespectful are depending on me for help. I have to swallow my pride at least ten times a day to ignore the disrespectful remarks, otherwise, my time in the classroom would be spent passing out referrals instead of doing what I am there for -- to help.
These are the thoughts I have been wrestling with for at least two weeks. Suffering from anxiety, it tends to flare up when I feel overwhelmed -- which I definitely am. Instead of enjoying myself, I am stewing in my own juices.
So, how do I overcome this anxiety? How do I move past it? I take the standard anti-depressant and have medication for full-blown anxiety attacks. But until I actually meet it when it comes up, my overthinking will continue. I exercise, eat healthy and do all the things that are good for it. But genetics trumps it all. It is something I will have to live with for the remainder of my days.
Truth is, there is nothing I can do except meet it head on. I have to see what it will actually looks like. This is a case of the glass half empty when I know I have a very full glass. I have so much that I have been blessed with and I don't want to minimize that in any way.
For instance, instead of worrying about going back to a job -- I HAVE a job to go back to...when so many don't.
I am seeking to improve myself with another degree -- even if I DON'T see a monetary reward, there is something to be said for my capacity and willingness to continue learning.
What about the blog? What about it? It has been successful. I don't have to change the name in order to get more readers. And what do I gain by getting more readers? I never expected to have more than a 100 or 150 readers at best. I have topped out at 72K+ readers from all over the world. That is no small feat.
Debt? Well, I am working to pay it down. I also have a husband who took on a full-time job, post-retirement, in order to help me. If that's not love, I'm not sure what is...
So today, I thank God for giving me all that He has. I look at how far I've come. In five short years, I have gone from working three jobs to one. I am no longer staring at my bottle of Xanax every night, debating whether or not to take them all. I have a stronger faith in God than I ever had. I know I am incredibly bright and capable. I would not have survived the hardest times of my life without my personal strength and God's grace. I have remarried to a man who is the kindest, most sincere person I have ever met. Is he perfect? No, but then again, neither am I. I have eight beautiful grandchildren, four children and although not a financially rich life, a very RICH life. There is a difference.
And so, as I write, my anxiety leaves me. I feel my body relaxing. I will get through this as I have the other storms of my life. Overthinking...the art of creating problems that weren't even there. (UrbanDictionary.com). It is exhausting and non-productive. It steals your joy. And nothing...not anything...is worth that!
Some Bible verses to remember when you start to overthink or feel negativity about your life:
Romans 5:3-5 ESV
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
Galatians 5:22 ESV
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
Psalm 51:10 ESV
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Romans 8:28 ESV
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
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