I must confess, this morning I was having some real trepidation about writing on this subject. I have been nothing but honest in my blogs and that includes today. I have had several false starts on this journey. Some would say setbacks. It's more than that -- it's deeply rooted in childhood and fiercely difficult to conquer.
I see a Christian counselor. He is, in my opinion, worth every penny I have spent so far. I am seeing him because of issues I struggle with regarding self-worth and self-esteem. Last week, he asked me to make a list of how I think God sees me. I took it one step further. I made a mental list of how I see myself. Strangely enough, the God list and my list were identical. So where, you might ask, do I struggle with these issues? It is my physical self.
You see, growing up, I was never quite pretty enough or thin enough in my father's eyes. He was a man that demanded perfection and had his own ideals of what made a woman beautiful. I did not meet that standard. Apparently, a father is crucial to building a daughter's self-esteem. My father, although well-intentioned I believe, belittled my weight and my looks; specifically, my hair. I certainly wasn't born with hair this curly, so why was I wearing it that way? If my weight was up a bit, he commented in biting ways; ways that when I repeat his words to my counselor, make me cringe. Sometimes, I cannot even look at him as I say them. I cannot imagine ever saying to my children the things he said to me. My father was not a harsh man, just opinionated and outspoken. And so, as a result, I do not like the exterior. My interior is, in my opinion, far more beautiful than the exterior. Therein lies my struggle.
My weight is not anywhere near where I want it. Yet, I confided to my therapist that even when I was at my thinnest and most physically fit, it wasn't enough. I asked him -- what is that magic number? At 105 pounds, I felt and saw myself as fat and unattractive. What, for me, is enough? This is the heart of my problem.
Also, I struggle with the side-effects that most abuse victims do -- they hide behind something. For me, it's my weight. When I lost weight after my divorce, men began to notice me in a huge way. Complements, propositions and sexual innuendo; things that I am not comfortable with. I believe this also had a lot to do with my returning to my old ways of eating. If you are not attractive, you blend in with the scenery -- don't draw attention to yourself. It also helps you avoid coming up with excuses as to why your faith takes precedence over your physical desires.
In the months leading up to my divorce and post-divorce, I wasn't eating -- on a good day, 700 calories. This is not sustainable. I knew that and yet, liked that feeling of being in such incredible control of myself. Was I setting myself up for failure -- most definitely.
However, being blessed with the brains God gave me, I know my weight and physical fitness levels are not healthy. I know that I should love myself enough to do this for me. The question is, do I?
My counselor asked me to come up with a plan this week for reaching my goals. I already have a plan. Yet, his is tweaking mine a bit. For fitness, he asked me to walk 10 min/day. I never saw that coming -- I've always started with 30-45 minutes. However, 10 minutes, I can manage. Despite my lack of time, 10 minutes is something I can do. He also asked me to purge my cabinets and fridge of all unhealthy stuff except a couple of low calorie treats -- done. Later today, I am purchasing some dishes that I can freeze and store food in for the week. I will also be grocery shopping and cooking for the week. My steel-cut oats are finished. Salads and fruits will be readily available and all pre-planned meals. I will also take a walk later and enjoy the beautiful weather!
My personal goals as far as weight loss are to lose 5 pounds a month. Very doable in my estimation. What is the magic number? I have no idea. I have lived my life in clothes that range from a size 5 up to a size 20, and everywhere in between. I do know that my past does not have to determine my future. I can be the person I want to become. Dream it, plan it, do it. Very Oola.
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