Dear God

Dear God,

I've written many letters to you over the past few months, but this one is one of my more important ones.  I am sad today -- I am sad because I don't understand many things.  I am filled with confusion; granted not from you and yet, I know You have the answers I am seeking.

I have recently started to date.  No surprise to you.  God, I don't understand men -- I don't understand society -- I don't understand this great plan You have for us.  I meet wonderful men and then, at the end of the evening comes the question of sex.  No, they are not looking for now, but certainly before marriage.  I, on the other hand, choose to wait -- I choose to wait because I want to honor You.  You have brought me through so much that I feel I owe You that much.  I can't even say I owe "me" that much because I have been so beaten down over the years.  Yes, I want a pity party -- where's the hats and horn blowers?

It is not the time to date.  I am realizing that now -  as it is painful to explain myself over and over again over a casual dinner or coffee. It's as if I have to rationalize why I am making the choices that I am.   I guess I do -- to myself as well as to the men I'm seeing because frankly, I think sex is great -- probably the best part of creation itself.  And yet, you designed it under very specific circumstances; in order to prevent hurt. Yet, I'm feeling hurt and the sting of rejection.  Still, it is not the hurt I would feel if I were to give in and have 15 minutes of pleasure (and I'm being generous here!)

I guess I'm sad because I already feel hurt.  I feel rejection before I am even "out of the gate".   The men I see are nice, listening, caring people.  And yet, they are just that -- people.  They want more.  More than I am capable of giving.   More than I want to share.  Sharing the story of my life when they ask is pretty difficult but going beyond that and explaining why sex is off the map -- even more so.  They don't get it.  Or maybe they do, and that's why they back off -- because they know they are not wired in the way that I hope they would be.

 I know one day you will send someone to me.  Someone who will "get it".  The day when I am ready -- and when it comes, I will run into their arms and hold on tightly.  I know all things are according to Your plan and purpose  That you send all sorts of people into our lives and at different times in our lives.  I met an amazing man the other night and we shared an incredible chemistry.  And yet, the timing is all wrong.  I am sad that we have to say goodbye.  It is hard, no matter what the circumstance.  You made me this way; you made me in such a way that I overanalyze and want a reason for everything.  My mind needs this.  But You are who You are -- and you never promise we will ever understand; most likely, if we did, we would not be able to wrap our brains around it.  We simply do not think as you do.

So God, I thank you for this experience.  It has made me realize that I am not ready for a man in my life.  I am not ready to accept anymore pain at this time.  I've had enough.  I've lived through a lot and boy, another broken heart is more than I can withstand at this point in time.  Thank you for helping me understand why I cannot date at this time.  And thank you for sending wonderful men for me to meet.  I think we will remain friends but beyond that, well only You know what the future holds.
I praise Your holy name and ask you to hold all these gentlemen in the palm of Your hand, that one day they may understand where I am coming from - and even if they don't, that's okay as well.  Guide them in Your path.  You are the Alpha and Omega -- the Creator of all and I praise you now and forever,

Lisa